174: More Than Just A Stepparent: Helping a Grieving Child Heal

Episode Transcript

FamilyLife Blended®

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Season 7, Episode 174: More Than Just A Stepparent: Helping a Grieving Child Heal

Guest:Diane Fromme

Air Date: October 6, 2025

Diane (00:02):

I always like to use just a funny analogy of if you had a portal in your roof and a helicopter flew over and looked into your family through the portal, would they be seeing total chaos or overall, would they be seeing a family who is trying to honor each other and respect each other and make things better?

Ron (00:31):

Welcome to the FamilyLife Blended podcast. I’m Ron Deal. We help blended families, and those who love them, pursue the relationships that matter most. We recently heard from Jana who watches on YouTube. She was watching episode number 135. That included my conversation with worship leader Kim Walker-Smith. Jana says, “This absolutely was an incredible testimony. I have always loved her”—speaking of Kim— “and now I love her even more after this.” That’s kind of the way I felt, Jana. Thank you very much for that.

By the way, if you missed episode 135 or any of our previous episodes—there’s like over 150—just scroll through the list and look for something that speaks to you. We love getting your feedback, by the way, from listeners and viewers and your ratings help other people find us. Thank you for that.

Our next Summit on Stepfamily Ministry is just a couple of weeks away.

(01:31):

This is the premier equipping conference for leaders. We’re going to be gathering in Nashville October 23 and 24. This is 2025 and we want you to be there. It’s not too late. Come join Gayla Grace and I and leaders from around the country. We’re going to be sharing ideas, talking about trends, helping you take the next step in either starting or growing your ministry. Take a look at the show notes. There’s a link. We’ll get you connected.

Speaking of ministry, if you’re looking for an educational group or you have one that you want to post so other people can find you, we’ve got a link in the show notes to our searchable map where you can find small groups, my speaking schedule, and you can get tied into all of FamilyLife’s marriage and parenting groups as well. I got to tell you folks, I think this is one of the most underutilized features that we have at FamilyLife.

(02:26):

It’s online and it’s free to post your church event for blended families. You can let other people know about it, and it’s also free to browse, so check it out, you’ve got nothing to lose.

Okay, we’ve got Diane Fromme back. She’s on the podcast with me to talk about her excellent book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child. Not all stepparenting situations are the same, which is why I gladly endorsed Diane’s book when it came out a few years ago. She has been a stepmom for more than 30 years with two children who lost their mom early in life, and she’s also a biological mom to an ours child. Diane, welcome back. Thanks for joining me.

Diane (03:11):

Thank you so much, Ron. It’s great to see you again.

Ron (03:13):

It is good to see you as well. Okay, all children in blended families are grieving something. We know that. Today, I just want our listener and our viewers to know we’re going to be talking specifically about when a parent’s death preceded the blended family. But I also want everyone to keep listening even if that’s not your situation, because you’re going to learn something about children and grief that will apply to your family situation. I’m quite certain of that, and it might just help you help another family or a friend. So stay tuning in. Diane, why is learning about grief so important when it comes to stepfamily living?

Diane (03:53):

There are so many types of losses that are running through the blended family and when a parent has died, you can just be blindsided as someone coming into the family if you haven’t experienced a deep loss yourself; and so you don’t intuitively know what that grief feels like, to become educated about just even a couple basic points like, grief doesn’t end. You change with it, but it doesn’t end. It’s not going to go away. The kids are not going to get over losing a parent. Just some fundamentals I think help bring the entire family closer to empathy.

Ron (04:42):

And if you haven’t lived it, it’s not intuitive.

Diane (04:45):

No.

Ron (04:46):

You’re not kind of keeping an eye on yourself as you walk through time noticing how grief pops up over and over and over and over again, and so it might just be a little harder for you to realize how that’s working on them.

Diane (04:59):

Yeah. I think another important point about grief is I don’t know if you’ve ever seen that diagram where grief starts as a straight line, but then it ends up in this cattywampus tangle that looks like a ball of yarn that went wrong, and then it ends up coming out the other end as a straight line. I mean, it really truly is like that, right. It’s not an up and to the right progression.

Ron (05:27):

As I was thinking about having this conversation with you, I was thinking about one of our taglines at FamilyLife. It’s “pursue the relationships that matter most,” and here’s what I know about that word pursue for people who are grieving. When you’re sad, you don’t want to pursue anything. You don’t have the energy or the drive to go after anything, especially something that you didn’t necessarily choose, which is the situation for children, right? So imagine you’re a grieving child and here comes this stepparent who is pursuing you, but you don’t want to pursue anything. It’s not them. It’s just you’re not happy about anything. You just don’t have the drive. The oxygen’s been sucked out of your lungs. Sadness kind of flattens you to the floor, and what you want is something you can’t have. You want your parent back, and now the people in your world are saying, “No, you should want this person, this stepparent, this step sibling, this relationship, this new family.” When you put it like that, it shows just how difficult it can be. So what’s a stepparent to do?

Diane (06:39):

As you were talking, I was just thinking about watching the body language of your kids, stepkids, especially when they’re out of routine. I think there’s a big distinction here. What I saw is that, for example, when the school week was going, and it doesn’t matter whether you homeschool or you send your child to any school, but there’s a routine there. But then the weekend comes and there is not a prescribed set of steps to your day, and you could just see, I could just see the body language, and it was expressed differently in the different personalities either activating up, throwing or banging or activating down, which is what you described, which is just laying over the arm of the couch. So I think a stepparent can be a great observer and reporter to the natural parent. I think that’s really a role we can play that is not threatening and is not putting upon a role for the stepkids, and we can start that way and we can grow our relationship over time.

Ron (07:58):

That’s good insight. Tell us a little bit about your family. Give us the story.

Diane (08:02):

Sure, sure. So let’s see. I joined a family with a boy and a girl who had both lost their mom, and I had met my husband, Brian, and actually at work we joke that it was kind of the least romantic place on earth to meet your new spouse. And at first, we were dating, but Brian actually drew a boundary and said, “One year, I need one year before we pursue this relationship to anything along the lines of marriage.”

(08:35):

And so he went through that year, and we visited, we dated, but we didn’t do a lot of family activities. And I did get to know the kids, and they seemed to like me. And this is so interesting, you’ve heard this story before, but on the actual wedding day, once that happened, there were definite behaviors that happened with the kids where it was very clear that the ceremony made the reality of, “Wait a minute, maybe my mom’s not coming back,” a very real thing. So now, let’s see. So that’s been 33 years. Yeah, so it’s been quite a bit of time, and the kids are grown.

Ron (09:29):

And you and Brian then went on and had a child of your own.

Diane (09:31):

Yes. So about five years after we got married, we had a bio child.

Ron (09:37):

Yeah. So take me into that moment where during the wedding there’s something that shifts in the kids, and that’s Brittany and Ian, right? Do I have their names correct? And there’s something that shifts there. Did you notice it at the wedding, after the wedding, when?

Diane (09:52):

I was protected from it at the wedding, but my longtime friend of 30 years was my maid of honor, and she is the one who told me later, much later, little Ian had taken his corsage off and was kind of stabbing it with the pin. And Brittany was sweet, Brittany, she was awesome, but we had a power struggle over her hairstyle. We had come back from a beach vacation, which was our honeymoon with them that we took before we actually got married, and she wanted to keep her hair in braids, and I said no. So just right from the start, there was a little power struggle there.

Ron (10:37):

Yeah. Wow. Okay. So you began to notice that, and your friend tells you about it, and by the way, better the corsage getting stabbed than you, but count your blessings.

Diane (10:47):

Totally, yes. Yes. And I never knew about it for years. She protected me from that for years.

Ron (10:53):

Wow. Wow, wow. Okay, so power struggle, adjustments when life begins for the family. I’m sure there were lots of those for you and for them. How did you not let that feel like rejection? Or did you sort of feel like rejection?

Diane (11:08):

Yeah, so I would say keep in mind that when we got married, I had not done my due diligence. I had not educated myself, not about grief, not about stepfamilies. Honestly, I thought “I’m a good person. I’ve been a camp counselor. I love kids. This is going to work.”

Ron (11:28):

I’m holding up your book, Diane, and I’m just thinking you had not written this book. Of course, life hadn’t taught you yet and you hadn’t figured out that you needed to learn some. Okay, good. Keep going with the story. It makes a lot of sense.

Diane (11:41):

So at first, yes, I did take a lot of things personally and I didn’t know where they were coming from. Little things like—remember these were little kids. I mean, when we got married, the kids were six and almost eight. So Ian would come down the hall in his toy armor and a sword, and he would brandish the sword and say, “You will not stay here tonight.” And it was like, “Oh, okay.” So it took a lot of talking with Brian and boy, this is where the natural parent really comes in strong. They have a lot of weight on their shoulders to carry because they really have to be in a support role for all of us in the family.

(12:33):

But I would just talk it out with Brian. But then things kept happening and eventually, Ron, you’re holding up that book. I began looking for that book. I was like, where is that book? And I went to this great bookstore, which unfortunately is closed now in Denver, Colorado called The Tattered Cover. And I just pulled out all these books off the shelf, and guess what the first one was? The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal.

Ron:

Wow.

Diane:

And I was flipping through all of them, and I finally found a chapter in your book about what happens when a parent passes. And I think that was the beginning of my journey to say, “Could this be more than a chapter?” And I think—

Ron (13:15):

And you were right.

Diane (13:17):

Right.

Ron (13:17):

It’s definitely more than a chapter.

Diane (13:18):

Right, we’ve got a couple chapters here, but it was at that point where the light went on. It was at least five years into the relationship.

Ron (13:40):

In your book, you point out four ways stepparenting bereaved children is different than children of divorce. And I’m going to read these little four, and you don’t have to comment on all of them, but just I’m wondering whatever sparks in your mind, comment on that. Number one, you said in the same way that kids of divorce need to be with both parents, a grieving child needs contact with their deceased parent. They need to feel that emotional connection. The second one you talk about is when a parent dies, children tend to idolize that deceased parent with an intense loyalty. Number three, bereaved children can have difficulty trusting others, especially the permanency of relationship, trusting that people will actually stay around. And then number four, it’s easy for the stepparent to want to step into whatever gender gap was created by the loss of the mom or the dad. Which of those jumps out at you today? With 33 years of life behind you, which one jumps out as it was super relevant for your story? And just comment on what you think. What do you hear the most from the people that you talk and consult with?

Diane (14:48):

One and four jump out at me together, and I almost would put them together now. And the reason is educating myself about stepfamilies and about grief, I realized that—I’m going to throw out a phrase that I use; that stepparents need to be the “and” in the metaphor as opposed to the “instead.” So that’s where number four comes in. Yes, you are fulfilling the gendered role in the family because you’re the only one who is alive to do so. However, if you are acting as an instead and not honoring the memories of the deceased parent—or at least allowing your stepkids to do that in a way that feels comfortable to them—then It affects everything else in the relationship, including the trust value.

So I’ll just tell one quick story because again, I feel like I was a little bit of, not a slow learner, but it took me a while to come along and really recognize that the kids needed to see that I also valued that they had a relationship with a mom prior to me. And for a long time we were like “Put as many pictures up of your family before me, before us, in your room as you want,” but there was nothing in the common areas. This is a huge one that comes up, for example, in the Stepparenting the Grieving Child Facebook group, because a stepparent and natural parent, they get married, they move in together, and the stepparent wants to make the home their own.

It just dawned on me what is the harm of having a mix of pictures in our entry hallway, some with our current family configuration and some showing the history of the family before my time. And it was very much noticed when I put those pictures up. I definitely heard Brittany get on the phone with a friend, and she was just all excited, and she’s like, “You’re not going to believe this.” So it just reinforces that there’s a fine balance to be had between what we want in our own home environment, which is the maybe leaning towards the instead, but coming alongside of the prior relationship is the better thing to do, and it softens us if we can view the family in that light.

Ron (17:40):

I don’t want our listeners or viewers to miss what you just said. You said something different than—which we say a lot of on this program—step into the kid’s grief as much as they’ll let you, be aware of special days, holidays, birthdays, things that they’re going to miss mom more than usual and try to comment on that and enjoy the fact that they have an ongoing relationship with their mother that still lives on, even though she’s deceased.

But you said something a little different. You said you value that relationship, her presence, you cast some value in that direction for your own heart, and the kids will notice that, and it will go a long way towards them softening their heart toward you. That is huge. Now, okay, so you said, “Well, what’s the big deal about putting some pictures up?” Did it feel more complicated than that? Was there something it required of you for you to put those pictures up?

Diane (18:40):

I think it was just an organic evolution of the stepfamily growth. I think before this point, maybe I was waiting for some magic time where we would all feel more bonded, but then I realized through all the processes that I worked in that I put into the book, how important it is to open the door for all of those feelings to be present in the same room, even if it’s going to be messy. So I think once I got to that point, then it became easier, but I had to evolve to that point. There was no success marker.

Ron (19:25):

Alright, I can hear somebody pushing back, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is my house. These are my kids. This is my rules. I don’t want that woman or that man, the deceased parent. I don’t want them having a picture in the entryway to our home.” What would you say?

Diane (19:43):

Oh, do you really want to know?

Ron:

Yes, I do. I do.

Diane:

I do. Well, what I would say is it will benefit you and the family in the long run more to be on the team that recognizes that there was a set of relationships prior to you arriving; that this is your home, your home is yours, but you can still have it be yours and still have the presence of the person that the kids need to connect with in your home.

Ron (20:21):

And it’s so good to look down the road and go, this is going to be helpful for us, but I really want to talk to somebody who’s wrestling, who’s saying, “No, no, this pushes me out.”

(20:33):

And I always want to say, yeah, let’s chase that pain a little bit. You feel like your identity is tied to your role and your uniqueness and your specialness, and so you keep trying to elevate that within the hearts and minds of the children, but probably to your own demise unfortunately. It is only when they feel like what they value—it’s almost like these are pictures of grandparents and aunts and uncles and generations gone by. They’re a part of our family story. And yes, that deceased parent is a part of your family story. And to honor that is to say, we honor those connections and relationships and what they handed to at least some of the people in the household. And we’re not competing. That’s the big thing. We’re not competing against those people or the fact that they existed or are important to you, maybe more so than they’re important to me.

Diane (21:27):

Could I throw something else in because as you’re talking, I’m thinking someone who is really this, as I was before I had this transition, someone who is really dead set on drawing a line about pictures of not only the former mom or dad, but also the ex. This is, I think maybe, could be at the base of our fears. If I put this picture up, what does my spouse think? What does my beloved think? Are they going to focus more on those memories than on our current relationship? Do I bring that to the forefront again by visualizing it through a picture.

Ron (22:17):

And I’m chasing the pain and what I see is somebody who’s wrestling with their significance, they’re wrestling with insecurity in their marriage perhaps, or there’s something about that that feels threatening to them,

(22:29):

And so they’re wanting to control the climate and control how other people are thinking and feeling and that where their affections go and you’re wanting to pull that your direction and maybe try to keep it from going somewhere else. All of which I would say is a losing game for you. As I say this out loud, who thinks they can actually control the affections of a child? Good luck with all that. I don’t know any biological parent who can do that. It’s sort of that don’t fight it. The irony is as soon as you embrace their connection that there are people that are important to them, as soon as you embrace that and honor it—I’m not saying you have to love it, but at least honor it—then I think it makes you more respectable and safer and somebody that—your stepdaughter’s call to her friend and just her joy. Wow, that’s a joy that’s connected to you, stepmom, because you put the pictures up. That’s the thing I want people to recognize it. At the end of the day, this is a facilitating deeper connection for you rather than inadvertently doing away with it.

Diane (23:42):

Yeah, so well phrased. That’s really true.

Ron (23:45):

Is there anything, we haven’t talking about pictures, but I guess this would apply to anything, what kind of foods they eat or just memories or stories or videos or anything that sort of draws people’s heart and affections back to that deceased parent?

Diane (23:59):

Yes, yes. Recipes. That was a big thing in our family because we had recipes that were in the handwriting of the kids’ mom, Brian’s former wife. And for a long time, again, they just sat around, nobody ever pulled them out. And then finally we’re like, “Hey, let’s make taquitos. Look at this recipe.” And then we would make it from time to time and acknowledge that this was something that Kathy brought to the family and it was an important dish that everybody enjoyed. Yeah, that’s another great example. There’s so many.

Ron (24:40):

I’m sure there are. And again, it’s the heart posture that counts. Whatever the circumstances might be, it’s that openness and welcoming of their connection to this other person and what that person means to them, not meant to them. Speaking as a grieving dad who lost a son, I can tell you I don’t think of my son in terms of back then. I think of him as now. It is an ongoing relationship. I just don’t get to see him. And so I think if we settle that, that speaks to your first point in our conversation is that grief doesn’t end. It’s because the persons and the relationship you have with them does not end. They’re alive, if you will—

Diane (25:26):

Always.

Ron (25:26):

—in our hearts and minds.

Diane (25:27):

Always.

Ron (25:28):

Always, always. Even after 33 years, do you see that happening in your stepchildren now? Their ongoing relationship with her mother?

Diane (25:38):

Oh, definitely. Yeah. I know Ian will verbalize now on the anniversaries that those are hard days for him, and I think that’s huge. We’ve come a long way where we can actually, he can actually say that not just to his dad, but to me too, and to have us say, “Hey, we’re thinking of you and we’re thinking of her and do what you need to do to take care of yourself on this day.” Brittany had two kids, and so we have grandchildren now, which is awesome. And one of them has the middle name of Brittany’s mom, and that’s a beautiful thing as well. I know those conversations are coming. I just volunteered in my granddaughter Ava’s classroom, and they were making things for Mother’s Day, and I happened to ask the group I was working with, I was like, “Hey, does anybody have a stepmom?” And they knew that Grace who wasn’t at my table has two moms. And in the same way I know those conversations are coming that Ava and Austin have two grandmas. So I think, again, this is something that is lifelong and will keep coming up but cast in new ways because we keep developing as humans over the years.

Ron (26:58):

Yes, absolutely.

You mentioned your husband a second ago. What role does a biological parent have in general in helping a stepparent find their place after the biological parent has died?

Diane (27:22):

Yeah. Well, no pressure, but it’s huge. So y’all out there who are the natural parents—

Ron (27:28):

—step up.

Diane (27:30):

Right, be there. I have to credit my brother. He called my dad the Mighty Oak, and that is an analogy that sticks with me. I really feel like the natural parents in our blended families, of all kinds, but really need to be this mighty oak, very solid, supportive of all points of view, unshaking—of course, that person’s going to need support too, but overall unshakable, knowing that no matter how hard the wind blows or what the storm brings that they need to be there and provide solace and protection for everyone.

Ron (28:14):

It’s that important because you’re the consistent presence in the lives of the children.

Diane (28:19):

Yes, yes. You have the history, you have the stories, you know the memories as well. And I think that’s an important role to play that you can bring forward as well. And that can be tricky too. When do you choose to as a natural parent, when do you choose to tell those stories? Is that going to bring up those pain points again for the stepparent? So I think another huge role of the natural parent is the partnership role, the spousal role, where there’s a lot of one-on-one communication that has to happen—of course, in any relationship but I feel even more so in a stepfamily. There could be family meetings for communication, and then there should be follow-up meetings with the couple. The couple is where some of those agreements will be made about what feels okay in the stepfamily to communicate, not communicate, how to celebrate anniversaries, things like that.

Ron (29:21):

Right, right. And that is an evolving process. One of the things we know from our work with blended families is that is where the rubber meets the road is the couple coming together trying to make decisions, and frequently the biological parent feels stuck in a middle between their kids and the past and the history and the rituals that they have with their children and what the children are feeling. And the stepparent kind of feels like the outsider who’s trying to figure out their way in, but they’ve got a different point of view, and they want different recipes, whatever that little simple thing is. But all of a sudden it feels like, “Well, who are you choosing more? them or me? Is it the past or is it the present? And that’s when those insecurities really bubble up for people.

Diane (30:08):

Yes. I’m really glad you keep using that word, Ron. I mean, insecurity is, you can be a really confident person and feel really insecure in this situation, and we just have to call that to the mat and say, that is a 100% true fact of stepfamily life. And I think that’s where building your own support network as a stepparent. Not only have other stepparents, but I would recommend also your friends who are only biological parents because sometimes the things that we’re feeling are just parent-child things.

Ron (30:50):

Right, not everything is about being a step.

Diane (30:52):

No, no, not at all. Not at all.

Ron (30:55):

But even still, those insecurities rise up. And in particular, if the stepparent had a previous relationship that ended by death, by divorce,

(31:05):

And they too have some sadness that they’re carrying, some hurt, some wounds, those really get triggered quickly when the insecurity of the present capitalizes on that wound and all of a sudden you feel like, oh no, here we go again. And those are really difficult times. And I’ll mention the book The Mindful Marriage that we came out with earlier this year. It is a deep, deep dive into, what do you do with that insecurity? You may be—you are always the only person who can really manage it for yourself. We often try to get other people to do or to be or to think or to feel in such a way that all of a sudden, my insecurity will go away. That’s a nice Hollywood movie. It just doesn’t actually happen that way. And this brings me to a holiday question, Mother’s Day. What kind of thoughts do you share with stepparents when it comes to Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, the deceased parent’s birthday, where it’s obvious everybody, the children, there is a mindfulness about that parent who’s missing. What should the stepparent do?

Diane (32:13):

I think number one, be prepared. Recognize that these are complicated situations and it’s very easy to push these dates to the back of our minds and then we stumble upon them on the day or the day before. So as much as possible, I would say just recognize that if we as stepparents are feeling that it’s complicated by transfer, it is also going to be very complicated for our spouses and for the children. Just kind of to know that and recognize it even at an intellectual level. So that would be the first thing.

I always recommend, kind of plan your own fun on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. Because I feel like expectations can lead us down a really slippery slope. So you can even have the smallest of expectations and say, “Well, this time I’m pretty sure they’ll get me a card.” This is for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, of course. And then nobody remembered to get a card. And so even that small thing can tank your day.

(33:29):

But how many days of the year are there? 365, right? This is one day, and do you really want to put all your emotional eggs in that one basket. I just got to the point where I would plan a few things for myself, and usually it involved gardening and getting flowers to plant pots, and sometimes it would work out where the kids and Brian would join me in doing that, or sometimes they wanted to do something different that they had agreed upon, but inevitably there was something that we had planned together for the day as well. Not everybody was always like the most willing participant. I’m trying to think what you said also—the birthdays of the deceased or the death date of the deceased and those anniversaries I feel it’s really best if the natural parent and the kids, kind of map out what feels good in way of celebration. I came up with what I thought was a fabulous idea one year, which was a balloon release, which I know a lot of families have done, and it wasn’t their idea. So guess who released balloons by herself? I was like, “Well, I have these balloons and I’m going to release them.” I did, and it felt really great because I really felt connected to her. But I would say on the anniversary dates, let the kids and the natural parent drive the ideas and then decide, do I participate? Do I not participate? And have good communication about why, why not.

Ron (35:11):

About why, why not? Because if it’s a why not, that could be perceived as you’re protesting or something.

Diane (35:19):

Sure, absolutely.

Ron (35:20):

No, that’s good. So as you were just talking right there, a question came to my mind. It sort of sounds like you’re saying a good posture for a stepparent, generally speaking, when those special days come up, is that I am second. I am not going to try to be primary on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. I’m not trying to be primary in terms of, I don’t know, setting a tone for what we’re going to do on the death date or that I need to take a step back in terms of my hopes or expectations about how I will be considered, and I should assume that they’re going to be giving their primary consideration to the person that they are missing. Is that a fair way to put it?

Diane (36:09):

I’d like to flip that just a little bit.

Ron (36:11):

Okay.

Diane (36:12):

I would say that is true for the anniversary dates, the birthdays, the death date. On Mother’s and Father’s Day I would flip that to say, “I am going to celebrate myself. I’m going to celebrate in a way that feels good to me. I know the value that I bring to this family, and regardless of whether they are going to come along or not, I am going to make sure that I’m doing something that feels good to me on this day.” And then if you will, everything else that happens might be gravy. So it’s not putting myself second on those days. I’m actually putting myself first because I’m doing something I really want to do on that day.

Ron (37:01):

And you’re doing the self-care and you’re not necessarily requiring other people to join you in it. You’re just taking care of you for that particular time and seeing what happens.

Diane (37:09):

Right.

Ron (37:19):

I know in the book you spent some time talking about expectations for bonding in stepfamilies, and we know there’s some good research out there about how long it takes, and it always takes longer than everybody thinks that it’s going to take. But what are some of the advantages and disadvantages of trying to measure stepfamily growth from your point of view?

Diane (37:39):

Honestly, I don’t think there are any advantages now that I’m thinking about it. Usually I can—

Ron:

Disadvantages.

Diane:

Yes, usually I can come up with something pro and con. I do think that if you’re starting a business or if you are setting a goal, like, I want to read X number of books in one year, setting success markers makes total sense. But I feel like with the humanness in families and stepfamilies, it is much better to let the relationships evolve organically. Now, let’s talk about the research though. I’m going to ask you, in all of your research that you’ve done, what do you feel is the average bonding time for a blended family?

Ron (38:31):

Well, the word bonding throws me just a little bit. I think Patricia Papernow would say five to seven years is sort of the average integration time and that—what does that mean? That just means that the family kind of finds their fit, finds their sense of self, their identity, their new family identity. Doesn’t mean everybody loves everyone exactly the same or everybody feels just as important as the step people, as much as the biological people. So that’s a qualified answer, but I think it’s important to say that there’s generally some harmony that begins to take place, and you really feel the difference somewhere in that five to seven range for most families.

Diane (39:12):

And I think knowing that intellectually, knowing it’s out there might be helpful.

Ron (39:20):

Maybe.

Diane (39:21):

I actually have even read up to 12 years, but at the end of the day, does it really matter? What really matters here? Can you look back a couple years, and can you say, “Things are a little bit better than they were,” or “These improvements have happened.” Someone, me, my child, someone is feeling more grounded in this relationship than they were before. I always like to use just a funny analogy of if you had a portal in your roof and a helicopter flew over and looked into your family through the portal, would they be seeing total chaos or overall would they be seeing a family who is trying to honor each other and respect each other and make things better? That is a much more valuable—like, how are things going overall if you really could step back and see that from an objective point of view. I think that’s much more useful than the number of years.

Ron (40:33):

I do think you’re right. If you get too wrapped up in measuring yourself by years, then you’re constantly comparing yourself to other people. And what you’re saying is no, compare yourself to yourself as a family unit. Are we making progress? Are we moving forward?

Diane (40:50):

Yes, exactly. There’s a phrase that I love, and I use it for a lot of different reasons, but comparison is the thief of joy. And I just love that. It is 100% true no matter how you apply it. So yeah, focus on the, even if it’s little joys, focus on the little joys and those are successes, and that is “improvement,” if you will.

Ron (41:18):

Yeah, that’s good. We’re thinking about how the family grows and changes and progresses with time. Let’s loop back around and talk about grief and how it changes and ebbs and flows over time. You told a story in your book about how Ian, your youngest stepchild called you “Mom” for eight years and then decided at age 16 that he wasn’t going to call you “Mom” anymore. Is that got a grief tail wrapped around it?

Diane (41:45):

Yes, I think so. So if you’re looking—I mean, we’re all developing every year, but kids’ development rates are just screaming. We have to keep that in perspective when we’re raising our stepkids. So a year in your stepchild’s life could be like, I don’t know how many years in an adult development life. So as a teenager, 100% a child is going to process that loss of their parent differently than they did as an elementary school student. I think what had happened for Ian was he had gotten into some pretty deep conversations with his mom’s family, trying to get to know them a little bit more. They were kind of telling him what was important, and I think he was trying to sort that all out in his head, plus put that—okay, now take away the stepfamily, right? Any teenager is trying to individuate. So he was just putting that stake in the ground and he just chose that as the manifestation of all the things coming together in his heart and his brain at that age.

Ron (42:58):

Did it hurt you? Did you have that perspective, what you just said right there? Did you have that to comfort you when that change took place?

Diane (43:06):

I did somewhat, yes. I sort of feel like I have that before the education and after the education perspective.

Ron (43:13):

Yeah, it makes a difference.

Diane (43:14):

It makes a huge difference. So my self-talk about that, yes, of course I was hurt. I mean eight years, it’s a long time. But my self-talk after becoming educated about grief and loss and stepfamily development was “This is probably just a phase, and even if it’s not what matters most? Does it matter that he cares about me, or does it matter what he calls me? It took a lot of self-talk, honestly, to get to a good place with that, and that was a long phase as well. But in the end, now I can report we have a wonderful relationship.

Ron (43:58):

I’m curious about that. Say a little more. So he stopped calling you “Mom.” Did your relationship change substantially or was it basically just a label shift?

Diane (44:12):

It changed a little bit for me because in the hurt space, I had to practice something I also mentioned in the book. I call it compassionate detachment, and I think this was originally labeled by Sue Thoele, just to give her credit where credit is due. This is a place of stepping away without running away. So I had to step back to protect my own emotions, but not in a way where I physically left the family. If Ian had needed me for something important, I would have been there for him. It’s not like I would be like, “Oh, well, you won’t call me Mom anymore.” It was not at that level at all. But compassionate detachment allows you to feel okay to feel more secure about yourself during one of these zigzags or phases that happen with stepfamily development.

Ron (45:21):

Sounds like a calculated step back that just gives you a little self-protection but is not moving you to a place where you’re disengaging, you’re withdrawing, you’re causing some harm to the relationship.

Diane (45:35):

Yes. I would say that that’s accurate.

Ron (45:38):

Okay. And so you did a little zigzag compassionate disconnect there, and did that help you and him sort of ride through that season of life?

Diane (45:50):

Yes, it did. I mean, it really helped me kind of coexist in the same home during this period of time. I think Ian had more journeying to do, and I can’t honestly say how that helped him. I think he had to take another step or set of steps toward his independence at that time. We’re talking now ages 15, 16, 17.

Ron (46:23):

Yeah. Those are some tough years just for anybody, as you said earlier.

Diane (46:28):

Yeah. So I think he had to take this a little bit further to figure out how we would both land out of this.

Ron (46:35):

Well, I love the compassionate arms around that detachment because you don’t want to just detach. I think that’s where you lose your influence. But a connected detachment, if there’s a way to say that, is a way of preserving the relationship at whatever level it can be during tough, that difficult season. It seems to me—I don’t know if it was this way for Ian, but for most kids—I would think that that posture from their stepparent, it may not have made things better for them, but it certainly didn’t make things worse for them. If you’d pressed in, if you’d been demanding, if you’d been, “Now wait a minute, wait a minute, you’re still going to call me Mommy,” if you’d really pushed hard on that, it probably would’ve made things worse.

Diane (47:16):

100%. Yes, that’s very astute. It did not make things worse by any means, and it definitely made things better for me.

Ron (47:24):

I like the way you described it. It sounded like, yeah, that was a grieving moment for you. Something changed and you weren’t necessarily—you didn’t want that. You also talk about and suggest to parents that they need to do some reflection on how grief impacts them, because sometimes that gives them some insight into what the grieving that their stepchildren are going through.

Diane (47:46):

Yeah. I know that that has helped me immensely in a number of situations, and everybody’s different. I know for me, there’s a point where I have a difficulty feeling empathy unless I bring it into my own example.

(48:05):

And just that act usually helps me then turn it back outward in an empathetic expression. So although my example with grief doesn’t a hundred percent help, because I’m a huge pre griever. I don’t know if anybody out there is like this, but I mean, if I know something’s coming—which we often don’t, right, it’s usually a surprise—but if I do know something’s coming, I will grieve it ahead of time and it helps me ease into the situation. But when something happens, by the way of a short timeframe, surprise, then for me, I know of the artifacts and photographs and just different kinds of memories that we have these boxes.

Both my parents are deceased, and we have these boxes of things that I will not let my husband pull to the trash yet because I haven’t been through them all, and I have to be able to hold on to some of those things. So it is my turn to go through those boxes. But anyway, that type of exercise, what I just described, figuring out what is important to me to settle my grief when I’m feeling it more intensely, that definitely helps me honor and empathize with what my step kids and my spouse might be going through, especially on anniversary dates, for example,

Ron (49:38):

And empathy in the form of care for feeling a little of what they feel. That’s the point.

Diane (49:45):

Yes.

Ron (49:47):

That does move you closer to somebody and it changes how you respond to them in their sadness, for example. Maybe a little more tolerant of some of their irritability, and it doesn’t mean you have to be walked on, but just a little more understanding about when those moments come and also help you anticipate what they might mean for the child and step into those spaces with them. Again, all of which makes you respectable and somebody likable.

Diane (50:18):

Yes, and trustworthy.

Ron (50:20):

And trustworthy. That’s it.

Diane (50:23):

I do think this can be a wall for people. It was before I feel like I had my growth points because one might say, “Well, who’s showing me empathy?” And there’s that whole loop, and that’s why we just come back to as stepparents, we need this type of discussion and support.

Ron (50:51):

Yep. Well, last question. Are there any big mistakes that stepparents of grieving children make that we haven’t talked about that you just got to get this out there? Is there anything we’ve missed that you just through the years have seen and you go, “Don’t do this”?

Diane (51:09):

Yes, there’s something that I feel like that Brian and I weren’t particularly good at, that I would—so I’m flipping your question a little bit, but I would recommend “to do” as opposed to “not to do.”

Ron:

Not to do, yeah.

Diane:

Okay. And that is don’t be afraid to lay some cards on the table when it’s appropriate. Lay some emotional cards on the table. And what I mean by that is being able to come and say something difficult, not as a “you” message, not as an accusatory, but as how you have experienced a certain something that you’ve heard or something that you’ve seen.

So for example, maybe one of my stepkids didn’t give me a card for Mother’s Day. We never discussed that, ever. Right? We never brought that hard stuff to the table as often as I think it would benefit a stepfamily. So I mean, I definitely could have said to my kids, “Hey, Mother’s Day has passed, but I just noticed that you didn’t bring anything home from school,” or “We didn’t really talk about it in terms of me and you, and I am feeling a little confused by that, and I was just wondering if we could chat about that.”

(52:32):

So it’s not like you didn’t do this and I am hurt. Right. It’s the way it’s brought across. That is really, I feel very strongly about that. I wish we had done a lot more of that kind of conversing. I think we would’ve gotten even closer.

Ron (52:49):

Yeah, I think that’s a good suggestion. Don’t live in so much fear that it keeps you from connecting around things that are important to you.

Diane (52:58):

Yeah.

Ron (52:59):

Diane, it’s so good to see you again. Thank you for joining me today on the podcast. We appreciate you being here.

Diane (53:04):

Thanks so much, Ron. Great to see you.

Ron (53:07):

Well, to our listeners and viewers, please remember our Summit on Stepfamily Ministry is just a couple weeks away. You can still join us in Nashville, October 23, 24. Go to SummitonStepfamilies.com to register.

And be sure to tell a friend about this podcast. The holidays, by the way, are just around the corner, so next time we’re going to be talking about the stress and the joy of blended family holidays. That’s next time on FamilyLife Blended.

I’m Ron Deal. Thanks for listening or watching. And thank you to our production team and donors who make this podcast possible.

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