{"id":9868,"date":"2014-04-21T16:41:00","date_gmt":"2014-04-21T22:41:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=9868"},"modified":"2014-04-21T16:41:00","modified_gmt":"2014-04-21T22:41:00","slug":"stepmom-to-stepmom","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/blended-family\/stepparents\/multiple-home-realities\/stepmom-to-stepmom\/","title":{"rendered":"Stepmom to Stepmom"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

Ask a stepmom if she enjoys Mother\u2019s Day and you\u2019ll get a wide variety of responses. Many feel honored and respected while others feel isolated and defeated. Still others journey from dread in the early days of their family to celebration after a few rough years have passed.<\/p>\n

Why such different responses? Because both positive stepfamily bonding and negative stepfamily stress often rotate around the stepparent. If the stepparent is appreciated and accepted, Mother\u2019s Day is a pretty good day; if, however, she is not, then it\u2019s a tough weekend.<\/p>\n

Not too long ago I invited Facebook stepmoms to share their experiences of Mother\u2019s Day\u2014the good, the bad, and the ugly. Did I get a variety of responses? Yes. But more than that, I discovered helpful perspectives, a sense of hope in the journey, and a big dose of inspiration.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re a stepmom, consider this \u201cstepmom to stepmom\u201d advice. If you\u2019re not, share this with someone who is.<\/p>\n

The reward at the end of the journey<\/h2>\n

Shanna B. shared greetings with her children\u2019s stepmom in Arkansas while her stepchildren\u2019s mother sent Shanna warm regards as well. She said, \u201cWe\u2019re 10 years into this blended family and have chosen to create peace among us. Our children win when there is peace.\u201d Obviously she and the other homes have worked hard to find a workable co-parenting relationship which pays off in each of the homes on special days like Mother\u2019s Day. Keeping this end goal in mind is useful for enduring challenging times.<\/p>\n

Amy R. had a great Mother\u2019s Day. \u201cWith words and actions my husband recognized me as mothering the girls for the first time since we got married. I was showered with homemade cards, pictures from school, flowers, and even some \u2018mom\u2019 references (as opposed to my first name). This was a significant moment for me.\u201d Want to make the stepmom in your life feel special? I think this father and these daughters got it right.<\/p>\n

Julie L. shared her rewards and a new feeling. \u201cMy 10-year-old stepson called from his mom’s to wish me Happy Mother’s Day. Very sweet and unexpected. I also got cards from him, my son, and my stepdaughter. This is the first year that Mother’s Day felt ‘normal’ and not full of angst.\u201d The old saying touts, \u201cNo pain, no gain.\u201d Sometimes stepmoms have to endure pain (angst) to achieve gain (unexpected reward). Julie\u2019s comments remind stepmoms to keep the long-term view and press through.<\/p>\n

Mixed bag<\/h2>\n

Stepmothers often report a mix of emotions because of family dynamics. Clearly, for them Mother\u2019s Day is not just good or bad, it\u2019s both. Hope W., for example, shared how hard it is to have the children spend Mother\u2019s Day with their biological mother every year. \u201cIt is as it should be,\u201d she pointed out, but still she misses them. A hard reality for many stepmoms with wonderful relationships with their stepchildren is that they usually get the short end of the time stick when it comes to holidays and special days. Hope keeps a healthy attitude about it: \u201cIt was still a great day and I got \u2018I love you\u2019s\u2019 from them\u2014that\u2019s what matters most of all.\u201d<\/p>\n

The situation for Amber O. is similar, but different. Her mixed bag includes feeling badly for her stepson. \u201cOur son has to spend every Mother’s Day with his biological mother,\u201d she wrote. \u201cThis year he really wanted to stay with me, but of course wasn’t able to. He got home at 6 p.m. and was very upset because bio. mother took the card he had made for me. So, I just asked him to tell me what it said and thanked him for it anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n

Kids are often caught in the middle of the jealousies between homes. In addition to missing time with him on a special day, Amber regrets that her stepson isn\u2019t allowed to recognize her the way he wanted. Still, she found a way to make him feel better and consider his feelings first.<\/p>\n

And finally, Laura S. discovered that not all stressors come from stepchildren. \u201cMy stepson (age 9) has actually been more loving today than my daughter (age 12). LOL.\u201d That, too, is good perspective. Even biological children can be the source of struggle!
\n

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div><\/p>\n

Heartache<\/h2>\n

My guess is that \u201cReward\u201d stepmoms journeyed through dry desserts of heartache before reaching \u201cthe Promised Land.\u201d Some of our readers are still there \u2026 and looking for ways to survive. Sally D. and Tia L. both shared that they did not hear from their stepchildren on Mother\u2019s Day, but then, they didn\u2019t expect to either. Still, even if you don\u2019t expect to hear a word of thanks, \u201chope deferred makes the heart sick\u201d (see Proverbs 13:12). Janice A. didn\u2019t hear anything from her stepkids either, but then, \u201cIt\u2019s okay; their mother would make them feel bad for calling or texting.\u201d That hurts on more than one level.<\/p>\n

Sometimes stepparents get mistreated not because of who they are, but because of who the mom is. Emily T. wrote, \u201cMy stepkids\u2019 mom moved out of the county and chooses to stay there. She visits her kids a couple of times a year, but never on Mother’s Day. So I suffer the backlash of their grief at not having their mom around. It’s very hard.\u201d<\/p>\n

Situations like this are unfair to say the least, and yet, common. Unfortunately, Emily doesn\u2019t have the power to change how the children feel about their mother. All she can do is love them with a steadfast, unconditional love that in time will overwhelm their confusion and soften their hearts. (Just like God does for us.)<\/p>\n

To all the stepmoms out there, whether you are experiencing rewards, a mixed-bag of emotions, or heartache, I thank God for you. May His courage, mercy, strength, and magnificent love be yours today.<\/p>\n

\n

\u00a9 2013 by Ron L. Deal. All rights reserved. Used with permission.<\/i> <\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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