{"id":98605,"date":"2020-05-11T16:00:01","date_gmt":"2020-05-11T22:00:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=98605"},"modified":"2020-05-11T16:00:01","modified_gmt":"2020-05-11T22:00:01","slug":"stressed-kids-4-questions-to-ask","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/parenting\/parenting-challenges\/frazzled-family\/stressed-kids-4-questions-to-ask\/","title":{"rendered":"Stressed Kids: 4 Questions to Ask Them"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

My 7-year-old\u2019s energy level appropriately reflects his favorite superhero\u2014the Flash. At lightning pace, Max runs circles around our yard, our living room, and me. His emotional range tends to flow at the same speed\u2014negative emotions can\u2019t keep up and rarely linger. So when a friend shared about her stressed kids a couple of weeks ago, I didn\u2019t think much about my son\u2019s anxiety level.<\/p>\n

At least until bedtime that night.<\/p>\n

\u201cI miss my friends,\u201d my youngest confessed with a sniffle.<\/p>\n

\u201cMe, too, Honey,\u201d I told him. \u201cIs there a way I can help? Maybe we can make cards to send them in the mail? Or FaceTime them?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d he sighed. \u201cThere\u2019s nothing we can do. I want to go back to school. I hate the coronavirus.\u201d<\/p>\n

Stressed kids need calm adults<\/h2>\n

School closings, changes to home and learning routines, and anxious parents. Even the most resilient kids are likely to experience the negative effects of such a dramatic shift.<\/a><\/p>\n

My oldest is 13. Although she can talk and text with her friends, she misses sleepovers and hanging out with her youth group in person. She\u2019s always been open when it comes to sharing her feelings with me, but I\u2019ve noticed even she\u2019s shut down at times to process everything going on around her.<\/p>\n

I ache for my kids and what they\u2019ve lost this year: middle-school endings, award assemblies, field trips, friends\u2019 birthday celebrations, an entire baseball season. And yes, all these things are minor compared to other, more permanent losses.<\/p>\n

But to our kids? These losses are tangible and often overwhelming.<\/p>\n

Stressed kids need calm adults they can lean on right now. My kids need me to listen and help them sort out stress, even when there\u2019s little I can do to fix it. \u00a0But I can\u2019t do that if I don\u2019t know what they\u2019re feeling.<\/p>\n

And I\u2019ll admit, with my own stress swirling around me, I often forget to ask.<\/p>\n

So I\u2019m making a note of four questions to ask my kids to gauge what\u2019s going on in their hearts and minds.<\/p>\n

1. How are you feeling today<\/em>?<\/h2>\n

Stressed kids might not feel the same way from day to day. When my son missed his friends, he felt sad. When he wasn\u2019t happy school was scheduled for the kitchen table instead of his first-grade classroom, it was expressed in frustration (and a little bit of anger toward the new, less-fun teacher\u2014Mom).<\/p>\n

Knowing what\u2019s behind his emotions, helps me be more patient and offer solutions to ease his stress. Like moving \u201cclass\u201d outside for the afternoon. Or even skipping math for the day and catching up tomorrow (OK, that one was for me).<\/p>\n

Tip: Kids (let\u2019s face it, sometimes adults, too) need help labeling their feelings. For example, fear can mask itself with anger. You may need to ask a few more questions to dig a little deeper.<\/p>\n

How are you feeling about not getting to the park with Grandma for now? <\/em>[After child answers,] Can we talk about why that makes you mad?<\/em> In a situation like this, it could be fear over a grandparent getting sick.<\/p>\n

2. What\u2019s one good thing?<\/h2>\n

Every kid I know loves to share with adults about their day\u2014from the breakfast they ate to the heart-shaped rock they found in the backyard. Big or small, they love to share.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t have to ask this question, because my son yells \u201cOne good thing!\u201d every time we sit down to dinner. His enthusiasm hasn\u2019t waned since being stuck at home (neither has my body\u2019s response to his sudden outburst beside me\u2014ugh).<\/p>\n

But this question offers more than just recalling of the day\u2019s events. It gives me a peek inside the day-to-day things I miss. Especially with my teen\u2014funny convos with her friends, a new book she\u2019s reading in school, even fun moments with her little brother (not gonna lie, that one isn\u2019t shared often).<\/p>\n

And it also gives us all (especially the grownups) a moment to realize, no matter the amount of stress and anxiety, our days weren\u2019t all bad.<\/p>\n

Tip: Consider writing these \u201cgood things\u201d on bits of colored paper and placing in a jar. Weekly or monthly, pull them out to review and hold onto when it\u2019s hard to remember the good: \u201cI will remember the deeds of the Lord\u201d (Psalm 77:11).<\/p>\n

Receive more encouraging content like this delivered to your inbox!<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n

3. What\u2019s one struggle?<\/h2>\n

After we share our good things, we each get to share one thing that bothered us that day (my friend calls this game \u201chigh and low\u201d). It can be minor\u2014Math was hard today<\/em> (again, me). Or big\u2014a fight with a friend or low grade on that paper they just knew they aced.<\/p>\n

If the person is OK with discussion, the rest of the family can weigh in. But they can also choose to stop it there and move on.<\/p>\n

Tip: At the end of the day, take time to check back in with those struggles. I know you didn\u2019t want to talk about that fight with your friend earlier, want to talk now? <\/em>There might be something underneath that argument\u2014like genuine stress from missing out on face-to-face friendship, canceled life events, and more.<\/p>\n

4. How can I pray for you?<\/h2>\n

One night a couple weeks ago, prayer time with Max consisted mainly of praying for a small, blue-tailed skink he caught in our garage. \u201cSkinky\u201d was deeply loved for the entire 24 hours he (I guess it was a he) belonged to my son. But like the frogs, salamanders, and caterpillars that came for him, we convinced Max to let him go so he could live a long life.<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t need to feel the same way about that lizard (trust me, I didn\u2019t) to know it was important to my son. We prayed for other things and people too, but when he asked to pray for that lizard I did.<\/p>\n

Because in that moment, that was his hard thing. His heart was broken over a reptile. And he asked his mama to reach out in prayer for him to find comfort, strength, and help in the One bigger than our earthly struggles. And I hope he knows I always will.<\/p>\n

Sometimes I know how to pray for my kids. But I admit I also struggle to know exactly how to approach God on their behalf. Especially as they grow older. Our daughter has dealt with a series of health issues over the past year. My prayers for her healing felt so routine that I confessed, \u201cGod, I don\u2019t know how to pray for our girl right now.\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been holding on to Romans 8:26 a lot lately\u2014”Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.\u201d<\/p>\n

Tip: Don\u2019t let prayer become a stress point. Allow God\u2019s Spirit to step in on your behalf with God, even as you keep praying. And pray with your kids. Teach them to take their concerns, worries, frustrations, and fears to God. Remind them the God who created them cares about the big and<\/em> little things in their lives.<\/p>\n

\u201cCast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you\u201d (1 Peter 5:7).<\/p>\n

More than anything, your stressed kids need you<\/h2>\n

I\u2019m a task-oriented person. I thrive on the feeling and organization of crossing things off my to-do list. When life is stressful, I cling to that even more. And while this can be a good thing, especially to keep productive while working full time at home with kids, it can also decrease my flexibility.<\/p>\n

And that\u2019s something I\u2019m still learning amid all these life changes: It\u2019s OK if there are less lines on that list. Especially if my \u201cproductivity\u201d for the day is noticing a rambunctious little boy carrying a larger load than his little shoulders can bear.<\/p>\n

Because more than anything, my stressed kids need me (outside of God, of course). They need me to shut the laptop a little more, play a little more, talk a little more. Or sometimes talk a little less.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m thankful kids are mostly resilient. I don\u2019t know what they\u2019ll remember about this year in the future, what they\u2019ll tell their own children. But I do know that I hope they can share a lot of good things about this extra time at home with mom and dad.<\/p>\n

And the struggles? They\u2019ll be faded memories.<\/p>\n

\n

Copyright \u00a9 2020 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n

Lisa Lakey is a writer and editor for FamilyLife. Before joining the ministry in 2017, she was a freelance writer covering parenting and Southern culture. She and her husband, Josh, have been married since 2004. Lisa and Josh live in Benton, Arkansas, with their two children, Ella and Max.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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