{"id":9837,"date":"2017-12-14T12:02:00","date_gmt":"2017-12-14T18:02:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=9837"},"modified":"2017-12-14T12:02:00","modified_gmt":"2017-12-14T18:02:00","slug":"stepparenting-teenagers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/blended-family\/stepparents\/stepparenting-skills\/stepparenting-teenagers\/","title":{"rendered":"Stepparenting Teenagers"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

One of my favorite parent educators, Roger Allen, once said, \u201cI have good news and bad news about the terrible 2s. The good news is that they only last around 18 months beginning at around age 18 months to 3 years old. The bad news: Kids are subject to relapse at any given point in time\u2014usually around age 15.\u201d<\/p>\n

That perspective about teenagers is something that all parents eventually experience first-hand. Perfectly good, compliant, respectful children hit age 15 or 16 and completely lose their minds. At least, that\u2019s the way it feels to us parents.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened to my baby?\u201d Susan asked me. \u201cJosh used to worship the ground I walked on and then one day, he changed into this sarcastic, prickly kid I didn\u2019t like.\u201d That\u2019s when her husband, Josh\u2019s stepfather, chimed in. \u201cI\u2019ve always had a struggle with Josh, but now things are even worse. What do we do?\u201d<\/p>\n

Partly because teenagers are again wrestling with establishing an emotional identity separate from their parents, I guess you could call this period a \u201csecond terrible 2s.\u201d This happens with most teens, in most families. Stepfamilies are not, of course, immune to this process. But the ambivalent stepfamily identity can make matters even more confusing. Here are four common traps that complicate the process.<\/p>\n

1. Teen depression, sadness, and\/or anger. <\/strong>The initial loss that ended a child\u2019s family (out-of-wedlock birth, death of a parent, or parental divorce) and the ensuing losses that resulted (change of residence, schools, loss of contact with parent and extended family, etc.) repeatedly bring emotional costs to adolescents.
\nRyan was mad at the world. \u201cMy mom and dad still fight all the time and my stepmom treats me like I\u2019m second class compared to her kids. I just keep to myself and keep my head down.\u201d The ongoing parental and family conflicts surrounding Ryan brought about a depression that sometimes expressed itself in withdrawn behavior and sometimes irritability.<\/p>\n

Needless to say, Ryan was difficult to get along with. What he needs from his parent and stepparent is an extra measure of patience, without tolerating disrespectful behavior, and someone to help him cope with what can\u2019t be changed (a counselor). Hopefully at least one home can be emotionally safe for him.<\/p>\n

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>
\n2. Taking it personally. <\/strong>Given the ambiguous nature of the stepparent role, it is easy for stepparents to take personally the uncooperative attitude and grumpy\u2014but normal\u2014behavior of adolescents. \u201cI just wish my husband wouldn\u2019t take Josh\u2019s petulance so personally,\u201d Susan shared. \u201cJosh is just as much a pain to me as he is to Jeff.\u201d<\/p>\n

While it\u2019s true that some teens can target negativity toward the stepparent, more often than not, Susan\u2019s perspective is right. It\u2019s not personal, just a necessary evil of adolescent development. Jeff would do well to not take things so personally so he doesn\u2019t overreact and take Josh\u2019s behavior as a rejection of him as stepfather.<\/p>\n

3. The struggle to let go.<\/strong> I often remind parents that we are working ourselves out of a job. If we do our parenting job well, our children will likely launch out of our home in independence. The irony of this for stepparents is that when it comes time to push the bird out of the nest, it can feel like defeat. \u201cI\u2019ve worked so hard to bond with this kid,\u201d a stepmom shared, \u201cit feels weird to let her go.\u201d Yes, it can. But let her go, you must.<\/p>\n

4. Striving for \u201cmom\/dad\u201d status.<\/strong> Insightfully, new stepparents don\u2019t expect stepchildren to immediately call them mom or dad. But often stepparents secretly long for the day when the child begins to regularly refer to them with that term of endearment. If that doesn\u2019t happen after a number of years\u2014sometimes coinciding with adolescence\u2014some stepparents emotionally withdraw with hurt feelings. This can be experienced as rejection by the stepchild who doesn\u2019t understand why the withdrawal is taking place.<\/p>\n

What stepparents need to understand is that only a third of stepchildren ever grow into using the mom or dad label for their stepparent, and that many years together doesn\u2019t increase the percentage. The mom\/dad label is generally reserved by children for their biological parents. Stepparents need to do themselves and teens a favor and let go of this expectation so it doesn\u2019t lead to unnecessary hurt feelings.<\/p>\n

Adolescence is a natural time of family transition and turmoil. It\u2019s hard enough as it is; an understanding of the above dynamics will help you not to inadvertently make it worse.<\/p>\n

TAKING ACTION<\/h3>\n

Couples:<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Biological parents and stepparents should talk frequently during their child\u2019s adolescence. Bounce your perspective about the child\u2019s behavior off the other to see if there might be another side to consider.<\/li>\n
  2. Teens need a safe place to process their emotional sadness. Bring up losses or extended family struggles that have resulted from death or divorce, and give permission to grieve together. This provides a child perspective and support.<\/li>\n
  3. Stepparents may need to grieve what will never be. A child moving out of the home before you\u2019ve had sufficient time to bond or not ever hearing \u201cmom\/dad\u201d are just two examples. Biological parents should not be defensive about their child; rather, listen and grieve with your spouse.<\/li>\n
  4. Have a family meeting to discuss the changes taking place with your adolescent. Be flexible with boundaries when appropriate to show respect for their increasing independence while also maintaining the expectation that the child show respect to both parent and stepparent.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Ministry:<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

    Student ministers, leaders, and volunteers should:<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. Read a book or attend a stepfamily conference to more fully understand stepfamily dynamics. Then they\u2019ll be able to help stepparents discern a \u201cstepfamily issue\u201d from an \u201cadolescent issue.\u201d This perspective helps to de-escalate unnecessary family tension.<\/li>\n
    2. Encourage stepparents to attend student retreats, camps, and ski trips. By doing this, stepparents will take advantage of fun, bonding experiences with stepchildren.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
      \n

      Copyright \u00a9 2011 by Ron L. Deal. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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