{"id":9831,"date":"2012-03-26T13:00:00","date_gmt":"2012-03-26T19:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=9831"},"modified":"2012-03-26T13:00:00","modified_gmt":"2012-03-26T19:00:00","slug":"11-ways-for-a-stepdad-to-engage-with-his-family","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/blended-family\/stepparents\/stepparenting-skills\/11-ways-for-a-stepdad-to-engage-with-his-family\/","title":{"rendered":"11 Ways for a Stepdad to Engage With His Family"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

\u201cHow tall is it?\u201d I ignorantly asked a Kenyan missionary.<\/p>\n

\u201cMount Kilimanjaro is over 19,000 feet tall,\u201d he smiled. \u201cIt\u2019s big!\u201d<\/p>\n

No kidding<\/em>, I thought. I could see the outline of the tallest mountain in Africa from my third-floor Nairobi apartment 130 miles away. \u201cIt might take a while to climb, huh?\u201d<\/p>\n

On average it takes an expedition four to seven days to climb to the summit of Kilimanjaro. And why do people climb it? Because it\u2019s there, right?<\/p>\n

Just conquering the challenge is one reason people take on this massive testimony to God\u2019s creativity. And then there\u2019s the view from the top. On a clear day you can see for hundreds of miles in a 360-degree panoramic view.<\/p>\n

Oh, yes, there\u2019s plenty of reward for those who conquer the mountain. But it often doesn\u2019t feel worth it until you reach the top.<\/p>\n

When reflecting on his role as a stepfather, David said, \u201cI simply didn\u2019t have any idea how hard blending a family would be. I lacked any knowledge of how to deal with my stepkids.\u201d Conquering Stepdad Mountain might not be as rugged as climbing one of the world\u2019s tallest peaks, but it will probably take longer than you expect.<\/p>\n

And you\u2019re not just climbing because it\u2019s there. You\u2019re climbing because it matters. Yes, there is reward for you at the top, but there\u2019s also reward for your family and stepchildren. How you live, love, and lead your stepchildren (and biological children) will create a legacy and heritage that long outlive you. It\u2019s important that you climb well.<\/p>\n

So how do you climb? Here are some best practices of smart stepdads, young and old, new and veteran. Consider how you might implement them into your climb.<\/p>\n

1. Trust God to lead.<\/strong><\/em> Probably the one universal negative experience of stepdads is the feeling of uncertainty. If you find yourself wondering what to do and how to go about it, you\u2019re in good company. From a spiritual standpoint, uncertainty is an invitation to faith. God always uses our \u201cI don\u2019t know what to do\u2019s\u201d to invite us to trust Him more\u2014and we should.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t anguish because you don\u2019t know what to do. Ask God to show you. Don\u2019t panic in your uncertainty and give up on your family. Seek a word from the Spirit. Don\u2019t assume you are alone. Find comfort and direction in His Word. Then you can climb Stepdad Mountain one step at a time.<\/p>\n

2. Know your place.<\/strong><\/em> A smart stepdad understands that there is an inherent dilemma to his task: How can you be Dad when you\u2019re not Dad? Obviously, you can\u2019t. Even if the biological dad is deceased, you will never replace him, so don\u2019t try. Playing \u201cwho\u2019s your daddy\u201d only causes stress in your home. And stress in a stepfamily thickens blood, pitting you against your stepchildren and often your wife.<\/p>\n

3. Understand the limits of your role.<\/strong><\/em> It\u2019s not your responsibility to undo the past. The negative consequences of divorce, or the pain children experience when a father dies is not yours to resolve. Come alongside children in these situations and try to offer a positive influence over time, but don\u2019t try to be the white knight in shining armor. Just love them.<\/p>\n

4. Move in with tact.<\/strong><\/em> Don\u2019t be a bull in a china shop. Respect children\u2019s loyalties.<\/p>\n

\u201cI became a stepfather when my stepdaughter was 8,\u201d said Anthony. \u201cHer father was very involved in her life and a good dad. There just wasn\u2019t room for me in her heart; therefore, we had a very strained relationship. We were never able to build anything. Now that she is a grown woman, I sense she is becoming a little less competitive \u2026 but I think the best way to describe our relationship even now is \u2018uneasy toleration.\u2019\u201d Anthony\u2019s climb was and is steep. Thank goodness he respected this reality or things might have become worse.<\/p>\n

5. Partner with your wife.<\/strong><\/em> The needs to believe that you are committed to and care about her, her children, and their past experiences before you will receive her trust. Therefore, do a lot of listening before injecting your opinion; demonstrate an authentic appreciation for all she has done to provide for her children before trying to make suggestions.<\/p>\n

When you do make suggestions, especially early in your climb, be sure to reveal your heart\u2019s intentions first. Consider the contrast between harshly saying, \u201cYour son is a lazy boy. When are you going to make him get up in the morning and get to school on time?\u201d and saying, \u201cI have come to really care about David. I\u2019m hoping to offer some guidance to him and better prepare him for life. I\u2019ve noticed he\u2019s struggling to manage his time and responsibilities with school. Can we talk about how we might encourage more responsibility in him?\u201d
\n

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div><\/p>\n

6. Until you have earned their respect, let your wife handle punishment with her children.<\/strong><\/em> Leadership that shapes character is a function of emotional attachment with a child. Ruling with an iron hand without a foundational relationship sabotages your level of respect and subverts what you are trying to teach.<\/p>\n

Many stepdads mistakenly assume that not taking the lead is a sign of weakness. Actually, it is an indication of strategic wisdom and strength. So while taking the time to build a solid relationship and gradually moving into discipline, trust your wife to continue being the primary parent to her kids.<\/p>\n

7. Be patient with your wife, especially when her past creates emotional baggage that you can\u2019t change.<\/strong><\/em> Danny shared that his wife\u2019s first marriage left a lot of emotional scars that he thought he could change. \u201cI didn\u2019t have a clue how hard it would be for her to overcome them,\u201d he said. \u201cWe have been together for nine years and I\u2019m still dealing with her insecurities. It\u2019s part of who she is, so I just deal with it and go on.\u201d<\/p>\n

At first, Danny thought he could \u201clove it out of her,\u201d but in time he came to see that ultimately this was her mountain to climb. He could choose to love her as best he could, but in the end, she would have to deal with the emotional residue from her first marriage.<\/p>\n

8. Be equitable in parenting.<\/strong><\/em> Wayde observed, \u201cI\u2019ve always felt that my wife has supported my authority with her kids as long as it was fair and equal to what I\u2019d use to punish my kids.\u201d If you ever want to turn your wife into an angry mama bear protecting her cubs, just show favoritism to your kids and treat hers unfairly. Believe me, you\u2019ll awaken the bear.<\/p>\n

9. Unless proven otherwise, assume your stepchildren would pick their dad over you.<\/strong><\/em> Recognize that a huge step toward gaining your stepchildren\u2019s respect comes from respecting their relationship with their father (even if he\u2019s deceased) and not positioning yourself in competition with him. Doing so just pushes them further away from you and closer to their dad.<\/p>\n

Tim, a dad of two and stepdad to two, understands this well. \u201cI have always tried to keep in mind what I want my child to hear from my ex or her new husband about me. I then apply the Golden Rule to my stepkids\u2019 dad. If, on the other hand, I put the kids in the position of having to choose between me and their dad, I always assume they would choose him. (This is especially difficult at times when I want to selfishly \u2018one up\u2019 him to make myself look better.) This also means that when my wife and stepkids are badmouthing him, I have to keep from being drawn into the discussion. They will turn on me in a heartbeat.\u201d<\/p>\n

10. Remain engaged.<\/strong><\/em> Through the years I\u2019ve worked with many disengaged stepdads and their families. The reasons for their drift varied: one man had a \u201cthese aren\u2019t my kids\u201d attitude; another had an extremely introverted personality and he simply didn\u2019t know how to engage people in general, let alone his stepchildren. Still others found themselves paralyzed by the guilt of not being around their biological children.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow can I really enjoy my stepkids when I feel like I\u2019m shorting my kids of my time?\u201d one man said. \u201cIn some bizarre way I think I\u2019m making it up to my kids when I deny myself time with my stepchildren.\u201d Still other stepdads find that once they\u2019ve disengaged, which may have initially been part of surviving the confusion of their role, they can\u2019t find their way back.<\/p>\n

If you have been disengaged, you can\u2019t stay that way; you hold an important role in your stepkids\u2019 lives. When you married their mother, God positioned you as a role model, friend, teacher, and mentor.<\/p>\n

The specifics of how intimate your role will become cannot be predicted, but you have a responsibility to make the most of the opportunities you are given. You can be a blessing to your stepchildren, but not if you don\u2019t engage. To the best of your ability, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). And remember, if you want to have influence with someone, you must be moving toward them emotionally and them toward you. If one of those isn\u2019t happening, forget about having influence or authority.<\/p>\n

11. Don\u2019t go it alone.<\/strong><\/em> A smart stepdad will also surround himself with a band of brothers. Joe, a stepfather of two, encourages young stepdads to be involved in a fellowship with other men where you are open and honest about your life. \u201cYou cannot do this alone,\u201d he says. \u201cYou desperately need other men to walk with you on this journey. Without my band of brothers I never would have come this far. If there are men in your life that have \u2018meddling\u2019 rights, then you can stay on the right path with the right attitude.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ron Deal, director of FamilyLife Blended\u00ae<\/sup>, talks to men about the realities of being a stepdad and answers some of your most perplexing questions about being a stepfather on FamilyLife Today\u00ae<\/sup><\/a>. Ron Deal provides essential guidelines to help stepfathers not only survive but succeed as both dads and husbands in his book, The Smart Stepdad<\/a>.<\/div>\n
\n

Adapted excerpt from <\/em>The Smart Stepdad \u00a9 2011 by Ron L. Deal. Published by Bethany House Publishers, a division of Baker Publishing Group. Used by Permission. All rights to this material are reserved. Material is not to be reproduced, scanned, copied, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without written permission from Baker Publishing Group.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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