{"id":9648,"date":"2013-10-23T15:06:00","date_gmt":"2013-10-23T20:06:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=9648"},"modified":"2025-02-12T15:03:10","modified_gmt":"2025-02-12T20:03:10","slug":"common-questions-about-a-husbands-sexual-addiction","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/life-issues\/challenges\/addiction\/common-questions-about-a-husbands-sexual-addiction\/","title":{"rendered":"Common Questions About a Husband’s Sexual Addiction"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Editor\u2019s note: Several years ago, author Meg Wilson had it all. She was a suburban wife with two daughters, two cars, two pets, and \u201ca firm grasp on the American dream.\u201d Central to everything in her life was a loving and successful husband who loved the Lord.<\/em><\/p>\n

But her picture-perfect life came crashing down around her when her husband confessed to a decades-long struggle with sexual addiction\u2014a secret life that included infidelity and an obsession with pornography.<\/em><\/p>\n

As part of her journey through forgiveness and healing, Meg started a support group for women whose husbands struggle with sexual addiction. Her interactions with the women in those groups as well as her own healing led her to write of her experience<\/em>. Eventually Meg\u2019s husband, Dave, began to visit the support group for their first meetings to answer questions from members of the group. <\/em><\/p>\n

The following are some of the questions that wives ask the most about sexual addiction, along with Dave\u2019s answers, adapted from Meg\u2019s book, <\/em>Hope After Betrayal. You can also hear an interview with Meg on <\/em>FamilyLife Today<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Can you pinpoint when it all began?<\/h2>\n

Every man I\u2019ve talked with knows when his sexual addiction started. For most it began when they were around ten years of age, and they found their father\u2019s stash of pornography. For some the beginning was after one or both parents abused them sexually, physically, or mentally. The fastest growing trend has young men telling me that their problem started after viewing porn on the computer.<\/p>\n

When I was about ten, I found a stash of pornography. I can still remember the rush of adrenaline and other chemicals surging through my brain and body.<\/p>\n

A common thinking error that men fall prey to is, Someone else is at fault.<\/em> Blaming my dad for years was easy. He wasn\u2019t there. The truth is, if it hadn\u2019t started then, it would have started later. Only recently have I discovered how my choices caused or worsened life\u2019s difficulties. I picked the escape route. Many of my friends while growing up turned to alcohol or drugs. Every step of the way I made choices to continue with my addiction and knew these choices were wrong. The guilt kept me in hiding and going back.<\/p>\n

Why didn\u2019t my husband tell me about his problem before?<\/h2>\n

Most likely he believed that you\u2019d walk out on him. I remember being nudged by the Holy Spirit to tell Meg about my addiction before it had progressed, early on in our marriage. I truly believed she\u2019d run out of the room screaming, and our marriage would end.<\/p>\n

One of the differences between sexual addiction and other forms of addiction is the shame and guilt that are associated with it. Today, when people admit to being an alcoholic or a drug addict, they\u2019re celebrated for their courage in admitting their struggles. That\u2019s just not the case for men struggling with sexual addiction. Not only do men have a sense of guilt and shame about their addiction, society denies it\u2019s even an addiction. People either laugh or make jokes or automatically assume all men with sexual addiction are child molesters or predators.<\/p>\n

Do I need to know everything?<\/h2>\n

The answer is yes and no. Your husband does need to tell you everything, especially if he\u2019s had physical contact with another person. As hard as it will be to hear, it\u2019s important for two reasons. One, it\u2019s for your safety so you\u2019ll know what you have been exposed to. And two, it\u2019s the only way your husband will be able to start the recovery process.<\/p>\n

When God finally broke through to me, two things entered my mind. Meg\u2019s health was potentially at risk, and God was still in control. He assured me the right thing to do was to tell Meg everything\u2014even though there was a chance that being totally honest could mean the end of our marriage. I then had an overwhelming sense of peace. Regardless of whether or not Meg and I would remain husband and wife, I knew in my heart and soul we\u2019d be okay. For the first time in my life, I knew I could tell someone my complete story.<\/p>\n

While you want your husband to be totally honest with you and not to hold anything back, you don\u2019t need to know all of the details<\/em>. One of the things that Meg regrets is asking about some of the particulars. The problem was, by telling her some of the minutiae, it created an image in Meg\u2019s mind that she then had to deal with.<\/p>\n

What was going through your mind as you continued in your addiction?<\/h2>\n

The most prevalent feeling is the shame and guilt. Another lie that sexual addicts believe is, \u201cIf anyone really knew me, they wouldn\u2019t like me or want to be around me.\u201d Believing this lie is the foundation for the shame every sexual addict carries. Knowing that I truly wanted to stop doing what I was doing, and asking God countless times to help me stop, yet continuing to \u201cact out,\u201d was extremely frustrating and depressing. But the feelings were unbearable, knowing that what I was doing was wrong yet fearful for saying anything because I was sure people would be repulsed. Who would understand? I truly believed that if I told anyone, I\u2019d be ostracized. The more alone and isolated I felt, the more I acted out.<\/p>\n

What was the turning point for you to come clean?<\/h2>\n

For me, the turning point came when God allowed me to reach a point where I knew if I didn\u2019t choose to seek help, I\u2019d die. Not just emotional and spiritual death. I was on a path that would eventually lead to physical death. At the same time, God showed me that He would be there every step of the way. By that time, by God\u2019s grace, I was already part of a \u201cFor Men Only\u201d small group. The hard part was confessing my entire sexual addiction to my accountability group and to Meg.<\/p>\n

The turning point for most men is when they get caught either by their wives, their bosses, or by the police. You\u2019d think this would be the moment when the truth would come out and the healing process would start. Unfortunately, this is not the case most of the time. Some men get defensive and are in complete denial. They try to shift the blame and are unwilling to admit the fact that they have a problem. Most try to minimize it by saying it\u2019s no big deal, and their behavior isn\u2019t hurting anyone. Others come clean\u2014but only partially.<\/p>\n

Regardless of how a guy gets to his turning point, the critical step to his healing is his being 100 percent truthful with his wife. Omitting anything at this point is like leaving a crowbar for Satan; he\u2019ll use it as leverage, and the shame and guilt cycle will continue. There are many good resources on the subject of sexual addiction for both the husband and wife to read. There are also Christian counselors available, which is a wise choice for the husband and\/or wife, either as a couple or individually. Being part of a group like \u201cFor Men Only\u201d can be a tremendous help. The churches in your area may not offer this type of group. There are resources on the Internet and there are support groups.<\/p>\n

What could I have done to prevent all this?<\/h2>\n

Nothing. Your husband was already heading down this path long before you met him. Every guy that I\u2019ve spoken with can identify a time around eight or ten years of age when his sexual addiction began.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t stress this enough: your husband\u2019s addiction does not have anything to do with you. It has nothing to do with how you look, how available you are to him sexually, your personality, your weight, height, or the color of your hair. One lie perpetuated even by some counselors and pastors is if you\u2019d be more available sexually, your husband won\u2019t have to go elsewhere. Let me say again, this is categorically a lie based on total ignorance of the pathophysiology of sexual addiction. Meg and I had, what I thought, was a good sex life all while I was \u201cknee-deep\u201d in my sexual addiction.<\/p>\n

What can I do to support my husband\u2019s healing?<\/h2>\n

You can\u2019t make the choice for him to get better. Regardless of whether he\u2019s made that choice, your main job is to get healthy yourself and pray for your husband. Learning the truth will enable you to set boundaries to protect yourself.<\/p>\n

Right now praying for your husband may be the farthest thing from your mind. Divorce or causing him bodily harm may be the thoughts that are in the forefront of your mind. I can understand that. I knew that there was a good chance my marriage was going to end based on the choices I made. If I ever choose to go back to my sexual addiction, my marriage will most likely end. The bottom line is, your pain is real. I know that it isn\u2019t easy for you to pray for your husband, because it\u2019s hard to pray for the people who hurt us. I can say, though, because of Meg\u2019s determination to pray for my healing and for me, I was able to continue on the path of recovery. There were times when she\u2019d pray for me before we went to bed. There were many more times when I felt her prayers as I went through my day.<\/p>\n

The power of a praying wife should not be underestimated. Your prayers are important. They will lift up your husband as he pushes through the lies of the enemy, and they will give him strength to work on his recovery. Your prayers will also be a powerful tool to help your husband if he\u2019s in denial or unwilling to start the process of recovery.<\/p>\n

Please believe me that God will bring your husband to a point of decision. Your husband will decide either to continue on his path of self-destruction or he\u2019ll decide to get healthy. You can\u2019t make that decision for him. But you can pray that he\u2019ll be receptive to what God is trying to do in his life. Your prayers and the prayers of others will play an incredibly important role in God\u2019s getting your partner\u2019s attention.<\/p>\n

How will I know if my husband is getting healthy?<\/h2>\n

The first marker of healthiness is honesty. For years, your husband has been living a lie. He’s used lying as a way to keep you and others from knowing who he really is. One of the lies he probably believes is that if anyone truly knew him, no one would want to be around him. So his lying is a defense mechanism, and he\u2019s perfected it over many years. As he moves along on the journey to healing, he\u2019ll learn that honesty is essential to his recovery.<\/p>\n

Secondly, is he growing closer to God? You see, divine power is the key to your husband\u2019s recovery. Sure, there have been guys who have mastered their sexual addiction on their own. They\u2019ve hung on for dear life, trying to manage their addiction. Changing behavior, however, is only part of the healing process. If the guy hasn\u2019t started to deal with his heart issues, then it\u2019s only a matter of time before a relapse occurs. Only God can show a person what is in his\u2014or her\u2014heart, and only God can give a person the strength and wisdom to deal with these heart issues.<\/p>\n

Lastly, are you seeing real change? Is he more attentive to your needs? Is he trying to really see you? Is he trying to connect emotionally, spiritually, and not just physically? Is he becoming the spiritual leader that God has called him to be?<\/p>\n

All of this takes time. Don\u2019t expect your husband to be miraculously healed. He\u2019s going to stumble and fail. The important thing is that he\u2019s serious about continuing on the road to recovery, and he\u2019s sharing with you what\u2019s going on during his journey.<\/p>\n

Leave your husband\u2019s addiction and his recovery in the hands of God. And you should not expect to find your<\/em> hope in your husband\u2019s recovery. The most important thing for you is to take care of yourself. Let God heal the hurt you\u2019re experiencing. Seek Him and let Him restore your heart and reveal His amazing love for you. This is where hope comes from after betrayal.<\/p>\n

\n

Adapted from <\/i>Hope After Betrayal. \u00a9Copyright 2007 by Meg Wilson. Published by Kregel Publications, Grand Rapids, Michigan. Used by permission of the publisher. All rights reserved.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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