{"id":96436,"date":"2020-03-09T11:40:54","date_gmt":"2020-03-09T17:40:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=96436"},"modified":"2025-02-27T10:31:39","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T15:31:39","slug":"when-your-spouse-suffers-with-chronic-pain","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/marriage-challenges\/hardship-and-suffering\/when-your-spouse-suffers-with-chronic-pain\/","title":{"rendered":"When Your Spouse Suffers with Chronic Pain"},"content":{"rendered":"
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She\u2019d been perfectly healthy. But quick as a gunshot, my bride began experiencing an incessant, peculiar, non-relievable pain. Now my spouse suffers with chronic pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Shin shocks, nerve flares, agonizing flurries in her spine, spinning in her head, aching in her stomach. All the time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Naturally, she started pursuing doctors, sifted through online forums, and pressed into our church family. As the weeks piled up, so did this strange other world of people enduring similar forms of suffering. Most with rare relief.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It had a name: chronic pain. They had a similar story: a spouse suffers with chronic pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We heard stories, medical trials, read articles, listened to testimonies (some hopeful, most not), clinical studies. We acquired contradictory opinions, substantial skepticism, minor mockery, and loads of fear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her constant refrain: \u201cThis is so overwhelming.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Only a year in, the pain has been unrelenting. A dozen doctors (at least), a hundred types of supplements (at least), a thousand tears (at least), a million questions, doubts, and false hopes of sure-fire remedies (at least).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A long road awaits. And yes, I keep saying “we.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marriage is a sack race. As one flesh, we\u2019re in this together even though it’s my spouse who physically suffers with chronic pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019ve got more to learn. But here\u2019s what we\u2019ve gathered so far.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To a spouse who suffers with chronic pain<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

As I asked my wife to reflect on her new normal, here\u2019s the steel God has formed in her soul through pain<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Remember your task.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

However confusing, agonizing, and potentially depressing the day is, ask Jesus to reveal the task He has for you today. You matter to Him, to us, and to this Kingdom. He is a very present<\/em> help in trouble (Psalm 46:1).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For my wife, it\u2019s often keeping a raw and honest journal (like Heman!). It\u2019s also family. With Herculean effort, she mothers three boys under five years old.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Adjust expectations.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

In the darker seasons, you simply can\u2019t accomplish what you used to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If unprepared, it will lead to guilt. So respond to yourself better than you deserve (what we Christians call grace<\/em>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Be OK with a smaller to-do list. For my wife, sometimes this means smaller goals. Laundry?<\/em> Nope. Kids happy in bed?<\/em> Yup. Okay, good day<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Advocate for yourself.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Well-intended people can do the most harm. Their ignorance-fueled \u201cadvice\u201d resembles the friends of Job: \u201cOh, it\u2019s just stress.\u201d \u201cPsh, it\u2019s all in your head.\u201d \u201cHere\u2019s two Advil, take \u2018em regularly.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Whether it\u2019s a close friend or an MD, advocate for yourself as a valued image-bearer of God. You\u2019re not<\/em> crazy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. Take care of yourself.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Hey, it\u2019s not<\/em> un-Christian to tend to yourself. Re-read that sentence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I love to see my wife make healthy food choices, exercise regularly, take nightly detox baths, snag her favorite tea from Starbucks, and have me do the dishes so she can memorize another verse of Isaiah 43 (her current project).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am delighted she surrounds herself with people gutsily committed to her. She\u2019s learned to ask for help when she needs it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You, too, have people desiring to tangibly help you. So ask for it! Don\u2019t let pride or fear of burdening isolate you from the body of Christ doing its job. That\u2019s spiritual dysfunction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Additionally, the minds of people with chronic pain often morph into battlefields of chronic fear and stress. Carve out time to memorize Scripture. It\u2019ll anchor you to what\u2019s true when gales of fear sweep in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To those caring for a spouse with chronic pain<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

A few things I’m practicing lately …<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Give your spouse safety to be sick.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Your spouse did not choose to be sick. It\u2019s easy for them to feel like a burden, which brings downward-spiraling guilt aimed toward the pit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You must fight on their behalf. Give them safety to be sick. Believe their pain. Affirm their sanity. Financially, prioritize treatment options.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Offer next-level service.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

When their to-do list decreases, yet life\u2019s demands stay consistent, our to-do list increases<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Chores, errands, phone calls: We must step up our game. Personally, I rarely feel closer to Jesus than when I\u2019m serving my wife in the ordinary, overlooked tasks of the day (Matthew 20:28). I aim to serve strategically, in the tasks that trigger her anxiety or sense of worthlessness, without her even asking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Communicate wisely.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Clothe yourself in wisdom as you communicate. Whether you\u2019re listening, offering counsel, simply crying with them, tactfully changing the subject, or \u201ctalking them down\u201d because they\u2019re all up in their head, pray for wisdom. Your presence is a Godsend.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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