{"id":9542,"date":"2012-04-30T17:04:00","date_gmt":"2012-04-30T22:04:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=9542"},"modified":"2012-04-30T17:04:00","modified_gmt":"2012-04-30T22:04:00","slug":"rape-recovery","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/life-issues\/challenges\/mental-and-emotional-issues\/rape-recovery\/","title":{"rendered":"Rape Recovery"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"bsf_rt_marker\" fetchpriority=\"high\"><\/div><h3 style=\"text-align: center\">What You Need to Know<\/h3>\n<p>Rape is an invasive event of traumatic evil. You were victimized, and now you are suffering.<\/p>\n<p>Before we talk about anything else, you need to know that God is extremely tender to victims.\u00a0Many Psalms are the heart cries of those who have suffered at the hands of others. They pour forth words describing the experiences of the afflicted, the poor, the needy, the broken, the innocent, and the helpless. This is your experience. You are afflicted.\u00a0And the God and Father of Jesus Christ cares.<\/p>\n<p>He cares about your experience of grave stress and evil. His own Son, although He didn\u2019t experience violence in a sexual form, was a victim of violent assault. No matter how awful your attack, no matter how long and slow your recovery, God is your Redeemer.\u00a0He is able to redeem terrible wrongs and make them right. Psalm 147:3 tells us, \u201cHe heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.\u201d\u00a0He is able to make broken things whole. He is able to redeem you.<\/p>\n<h2>What is rape?<\/h2>\n<p>Rape is a crime of power, domination, and control that uses sex.\u00a0If you haven\u2019t already reported your assault to the police and sought medical help, please do so immediately. This article is written to help you after you have received the legal and medical help you need. Rape is not only a crime in the legal sense, but an evil before the face of God.\u00a0It is an act of extreme violence and aggression in which the strong overpower the weak.<\/p>\n<p>Rape is a life-changing event.\u00a0A violent assault awakens some of the most painful, horrifying emotions that humans are capable of.\u00a0Terror, shock, unbearable pain, overwhelming helplessness, and vulnerability are just some of the feelings you may experience. These are powerful feelings that don\u2019t just go away.\u00a0Instead they affect every area of your life.\u00a0Here are some ways that rape victims typically suffer and struggle:<\/p>\n<p>Fear: Most likely you are filled with all kinds of fears\u2014of your memories, of people, of being alone, of dating, of intimacy.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Worry: You might have some concrete worries\u2014sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy are two obvious ones.<\/li>\n<li>Anger: This is an entirely appropriate response to the great evil you suffered. But bitterness and hatred can become all-consuming and destructive.<\/li>\n<li>Relationships: Your relationships are probably affected.\u00a0It\u2019s possible you are having a hard time trusting anyone.<\/li>\n<li>Shame: Even though you were the one who was victimized, it\u2019s common to feel a deep sense of shame and uncleanliness.<\/li>\n<li>Regret and self blame: You might be thinking, \u201cIf only,\u201d (If only I hadn\u2019t done this\u2026If only I hadn\u2019t been in that place) and \u201cWhy did I?\u201d (Why did I do that? &#8230;Why didn\u2019t I do this?)<\/li>\n<li>Nightmares and flashbacks: Specific places and events might trigger a flashback to the rape and\/or you might dream about what happened.<\/li>\n<li>Depression: You might experience sadness that just doesn\u2019t go away.\u00a0Life can seem meaningless after you have suffered terribly.<\/li>\n<li>Escapism: You might try to forget what happened to you by using different forms of escapism\u2014drugs, alcohol, food, TV.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>The scope of the problem<\/h2>\n<p>Rape has always been a grievous part of human history.\u00a0The Bible records a number of rapes, both heterosexual and homosexual (Genesis 19, Genesis 34, Judges 19, 2 Samuel 13).\u00a0Under Old Testament law, the penalty for rape was death (Deuteronomy 22:25).<\/p>\n<p>Rape statistics vary from country to country.\u00a0In America,<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>80-90 percent of rape victims are female.<\/li>\n<li>90-95 percent of the perpetrators are male.<\/li>\n<li>75 percent of victims know their attackers.<\/li>\n<li>The incidence of rape is highest for women under 30.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>You may not fit into these statistics. Rape can happen to men, to women of all ages, and to children.\u00a0In any case, you are facing the aftermath of a grave evil. How does God meet you in the middle of this horrific experience?\u00a0How do you recover?<\/p>\n<h2>Finding God in your struggle<\/h2>\n<p>First, <strong>face what happened.<\/strong> This awful attack is now part of your life. You will be tempted to run from it, to deny it, to bury it, to keep yourself busy, to escape it, or to numb yourself.\u00a0But it is crucial that you face what happened to you\u2014your recovery depends on it. It\u2019s a part of your history and your life.\u00a0Your life is an unfolding story, and God doesn\u2019t erase or delete chapters.\u00a0His redemption will be evident in this painful chapter also.<\/p>\n<p>Redemption begins with acknowledging what happened to you. Psalm 46:1 declares, \u201cGod is a very present help in trouble.\u201d\u00a0Tell God all about this trouble. Say to Him: \u201cThis is trouble, help!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Next, <strong>face your reactions to what happened.<\/strong> You must be willing to enter your into your reactions\u2014to feel what you feel. Something that is hurtful hurts. A violation makes you feel violated. When something overpowers you, you feel weak and overwhelmed.\u00a0You need to be able to enter into your grief, hurt, confusion, fear, and anger.\u00a0Tell God all about your anguish as the Psalmist does:\u00a0\u201cMy heart is in anguish within me\u201d (Psalm 55:4).<\/p>\n<p>Finally, <strong>face Jesus.<\/strong> Don\u2019t try to face what happened and your reactions to it by yourself.\u00a0Invite Jesus into your struggle. Take hold of His promise of good: \u201cWhen you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you\u201d (Isaiah 43:2).<\/p>\n<p>You are walking in deep waters.\u00a0God will walk with you. You are walking through fire.\u00a0God will not let the flames consume you. Turn to him every day. Take God\u2019s promises to heart many times each day. Every time you remember, every time you struggle, every time you feel that your heart is breaking under the weight of what happened to you, ask Him to help you.<\/p>\n<p>Say His promises out loud. Speak them back to the One who is your hope. Having faith in Jesus is not something you do just once. He\u2019s the person toward whom you reach, toward whom you cry, toward whom you bring your pain, confusion, anger, and fear.\u00a0He is the direction in which you face. He\u2019s the direction in which you live. He can bear the weight of your trouble and heartache. He also suffered at the hands of evil people.\u00a0He knows what a broken heart feels like.<\/p>\n<p>Pour out your heart to Him.\u00a0Say to Him, \u201cHelp Lord.\u00a0Have mercy.\u00a0I am in such need.\u00a0You promise good to me.\u00a0I feel such a weight of evil.\u00a0Don\u2019t let me fear any evil.\u00a0Make me know You are with me.\u201d<\/p>\n<h2>Find your identity in Jesus<\/h2>\n<p>It is common for those who have been raped to feel a sense of shame.\u00a0They feel unclean\u2014as if they are now damaged goods. It\u2019s easy to let the ugly violation of your attack define you.\u00a0Contrast that with what God has done for you.\u00a0Because of Jesus you are cleansed and whole.\u00a0Nothing that has happened or will happen can change that reality.\u00a0This is how Isaiah expressed the joy of knowing his God-given identity:<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center\"><em>I will rejoice greatly in the LORD; my soul will exult in my God,<br \/>\nfor he has clothed me with garments of salvation;<br \/>\nhe has covered me with the robe of righteousness,<br \/>\nas a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress,<br \/>\nand as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.<\/em> (Isaiah 61:10, ESV)<\/p>\n<p>Take hold of how this picture contrasts with how you are feeling. You are not dirty and shamed. You are clothed with garments of salvation.\u00a0You are wrapped in a robe of righteousness. You have been made beautiful with pure white clothes, flowers, and jewels.<\/p>\n<p>Jesus made that picture a reality by giving Himself for you on the cross. When you put your trust in Jesus, you are clothed with him\u2014with his mercy, kindness, and goodness.<\/p>\n<h2>Be more than a survivor\u2014become a servant<\/h2>\n<p>You might have heard that your identity should be that of a survivor instead of a victim.\u00a0But \u201csurvivor\u201d only means you\u2019ve outlived something.\u00a0If your ship goes down and you are rescued, then you survived the shipwreck.\u00a0When your identity is that of survivor, you are still defined by what happened to you. What happened to you\u2014the hateful thing that took place\u2014still dominates your identity.<\/p>\n<p>God\u2019s goal for you is far bigger than mere survival. His goal for you is to become His servant. When you are God\u2019s servant, you are defined by His love for you, and that identity is profoundly liberating.<\/p>\n<p>Your identity is not simply that you survived a dirty evil.\u00a0You find yourself when you serve the beautiful One and are clothed with his beauty and goodness.\u00a0Paul says that when you trust in God you are \u201cclothed with Christ\u201d (Romans 13:14; Galatians 3:27).\u00a0You are defined by His love for you, not by the evil that someone else did to you.<\/p>\n<h3 style=\"text-align: center\">What You Need to Do<\/h3>\n<h2>Saying God&#8217;s truths aloud<\/h2>\n<p>Sometimes in the midst of extreme suffering, Jesus doesn\u2019t seem like a \u201cpresent help.\u201d Instead He seems distant and far away. If this is true for you, turn in His direction by listening to and singing music that will remind you how God is with you. Saying and singing God\u2019s truths out loud is one way for you to fill your mind and heart with comfort and hope.<\/p>\n<p>Take the hymn \u201cJesus, What a Friend for Sinners\u201d:<\/p>\n<blockquote style=\"margin-right: 0px;margin-left: 25px\"><p><em>Jesus! what a Friend for sinners!<br \/>\nJesus! Lover of my soul;<br \/>\nFriends may fail me, foes assail me,<br \/>\nHe, my Savior, makes me whole.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Refrain<\/em>:<br \/>\n<em>Hallelujah! what a Savior!<br \/>\nHallelujah! what a Friend!<br \/>\nSaving, helping, keeping, loving,<br \/>\nHe is with me to the end.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Jesus! what a Strength in weakness!<br \/>\nLet me hide myself in Him.<br \/>\nTempted, tried, and sometimes failing,<br \/>\nHe, my Strength, my victory wins.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Refrain<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Jesus! what a Help in sorrow!<br \/>\nWhile the billows over me roll,<br \/>\nEven when my heart is breaking,<br \/>\nHe, my Comfort, helps my soul.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Refrain<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Jesus! what a Guide and Keeper!<br \/>\nWhile the tempest still is high,<br \/>\nStorms about me, night overtakes me,<br \/>\nHe, my Pilot, hears my cry.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Refrain<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Jesus! I do now receive You,<br \/>\n<\/em><em>more than all in You I find.<br \/>\nYou hath granted me forgiveness,<br \/>\n<\/em><em>I am Yours, and You are mine.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Refrain<\/em>:<br \/>\n<em>Hallelujah! what a Savior!<br \/>\nHallelujah! what a Friend!<br \/>\nSaving, helping, keeping, loving,<br \/>\nYou are with me to the end.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>Use these words to express to Jesus what happened to you, how you felt, and who he is.\u00a0This hymn expressed the experience of an intense, overwhelming attack: \u201cfoes assail me\u201d.\u00a0It expresses feeling crushed and helpless: \u201cwhile the billows over me roll\u2026\u201d It expresses heartbreak: \u201ceven when my heart is breaking\u2026\u201d\u00a0It describes a pain that is too big to bear alone. Is this how you feel?<\/p>\n<h2>Your strength in weakness<\/h2>\n<p>Jesus meets you right in the middle of this awful experience. You are \u201ctempted, tried, and sometimes failing.\u201d But Jesus is your strength in weakness.\u00a0He makes you whole. He helps you. He hears your cry. He is yours, and you are His. Your assault has created great weakness in your life.\u00a0But as you turn to Jesus, you will find that He comes to you and strengthens you.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s okay to struggle. It\u2019s okay to be weak. Just make sure you are turning in Jesus\u2019 direction.<\/p>\n<p>What will you find as you turn to Jesus? You will find that He is your friend, the lover of your soul, your guide, your keeper. And what does He do? He saves, helps, keeps, and loves.\u00a0He is with you to the end. He is yours and you are His. These are the truths about Jesus that invite a victim\u2014that invite you\u2014to come in His direction. When you feel crushed by your suffering, fill your mind and heart with this hymn. It is a hymn full of Jesus.<\/p>\n<h2>Healing your real memories with real truth<\/h2>\n<p>Most likely you are struggling with vivid memories of the attack.\u00a0Many people experience flashbacks of the attack.\u00a0What happened to you was so compelling, so traumatic, and so hurtful that it made a deep impression on your mind.\u00a0Ugly memories keep replaying over and over\u2014like a video on an endless loop. How can your memories be transformed?\u00a0The only one way to deal with the video of your rape is to replace it with another video.<\/p>\n<p>You might have been told to use mental relaxation techniques perhaps imagining that you\u2019re on a sunny beach with gentle waves and safe people around you.\u00a0But it is an uphill battle to fight a terrible reality with a fantasy. Instead, God gives you a true video filled with His hope.\u00a0He tells you of the invasion of earth by the Redeemer of the world.\u00a0He will reckon justly with evil.\u00a0He shows you how Jesus comes to you as a friend in the midst of your suffering.<\/p>\n<p>Think of \u201cJesus, What a Friend for Sinners\u201d as an alternative video.\u00a0It\u2019s something you can think about, say out loud, and sing.\u00a0When the video of foes assailing you starts playing, replace that with \u201cJesus, lover of my soul.\u00a0Friends may fail me, foes assail me.\u00a0He, my Savior, makes me whole.\u00a0Hallelujah.\u00a0What a Savior.\u00a0Saving, helping, keeping, loving.\u00a0He is with me to the end.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>This isn\u2019t a gimmick.\u00a0There\u2019s no guarantee that you can easily erase the old tape of your attack and replace it with \u201cJesus, What a Friend for Sinners.\u201d\u00a0But you can learn to eject the traumatic video of your attack and insert the truth of God\u2019s goodness and grace to you. As you do this, your memories of the very terrible thing that happened to you will actually lead you to take hold of how Jesus has met you.\u00a0He will befriend you in one of the worst moments of your life.<\/p>\n<h2>Replace bitterness with forgiveness<\/h2>\n<p>Another crucial step in your healing is forgiveness.\u00a0Going in Jesus\u2019 direction means taking seriously His call to offer forgiveness to your attacker and taking steps, whether large or small, in that direction (Matthew 6:12; Mark 11:25).\u00a0It\u2019s likely that the attacker will never ask you for forgiveness.\u00a0So you will not likely express forgiveness in person. But how can you be delivered from the poisons of bitterness, hatred, and fear?<\/p>\n<p>Jesus says you should forgive \u201cwhen you stand praying\u201d (Mark 11:25). You are forgiving in God\u2019s presence, not face-to-face with the person who betrayed you. Your goal is to have an attitude of forgiveness in your heart before God toward the attacker.<\/p>\n<p>What happened to you was a great evil, so forgiveness won\u2019t come easily or in a moment.\u00a0It will be a journey of many small steps.\u00a0The alternative to forgiveness is living in fear, escapism, bitterness, and\/or depression. When you live like this, evil still controls you. Forgiveness frees you to live a life of love towards God and others.\u00a0Forgiveness frees you to be a servant.<\/p>\n<p>Often those who have suffered a great evil think that forgiveness means excusing the evil.\u00a0So before we talk about forgiving your attacker, let\u2019s talk about what forgiveness does <em>not<\/em> mean:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Forgiveness does <em>not<\/em> mean what happened to you was \u201cokay\u201d or can be excused.<\/li>\n<li>Forgiveness does <em>not<\/em> mean that what happened to you was a small, unimportant thing.<\/li>\n<li>Forgiveness does <em>not<\/em> mean you will forget what happened to you.<\/li>\n<li>Forgiveness does <em>not<\/em> mean you shouldn\u2019t seek to have the rapist punished by the law.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>What forgiveness does mean<\/h2>\n<p>Forgiveness says to your attacker that what happened was wrong, destructive, cruel, and inexcusable, but you are choosing to not take personal vengeance.\u00a0Why?\u00a0Because God says, \u201cBeloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, \u2018Vengeance is mine, I will repay,\u2019 says the Lord\u201d (Romans 12:19). And God has shown mercy to you (Romans 12:1).<\/p>\n<p>What happened to you was worthy of hate.\u00a0Yet if you are consumed with hate and murderous fantasies, then you are acting in your heart like a killer. When you repay evil for evil, you are stealing God\u2019s role in the universe and becoming a vengeance-taker.\u00a0Forgiveness leaves your attacker in God\u2019s hands. It trusts Him to make every wrong right.<\/p>\n<h2>Remember God&#8217;s mercy to you<\/h2>\n<p>Perhaps you know you should forgive, but you are stuck in bitterness and rage. What can you do?\u00a0Start by remembering God\u2019s mercy to you.\u00a0Remember that Jesus died on the cross for your sins.\u00a0Part of being liberated from the devastating effects of rape is seeing your own need for mercy. Your healing and restoration depend on knowing deep in your soul that God\u2019s love and forgiveness for you, in Christ, is deeper, bigger, and longer lasting than what you have suffered.<\/p>\n<p>True forgiveness for a true evil is only possible because of God\u2019s forgiveness of you. Paul explains it like this, \u201cBe kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God, in Christ, has forgiven you\u201d (Ephesians 4:32).<\/p>\n<p>Here are some truths that will help you remember God\u2019s mercies to you:<\/p>\n<p><strong>1.\u00a0Think vertically, not horizontally.<\/strong> Don\u2019t try to line up your sins against how you were sinned against and see if they are equal.\u00a0That\u2019s not the scale God uses.<\/p>\n<p>In Jesus\u2019 parable of the unforgiving servant (Matthew 18:21-35), a servant is forgiven a huge debt by his master.\u00a0The same servant was owed a much smaller sum by a fellow servant, but he was not willing to extend the same forgiveness he himself had received. In this story Jesus is not saying that the first servant should forgive the second servant because what they owed each other was equal.\u00a0Instead he is saying that the first servant should forgive because he had been forgiven so much by his master. Forgiveness for your attacker will not come from meditating on what was done to you.\u00a0It will come as you remember how much God has forgiven you.<\/p>\n<p><strong>2. Identify the destructive ways you are responding to the attack.<\/strong> Are you responding with escapist behavior (using alcohol, drugs, food, sleep, shopping, etc)? With denial? With bitterness? Your reactions come from inside of you, and they reveal what\u2019s inside of you.\u00a0What are your reactions revealing about you? Are you being ruled by fear? Hatred?\u00a0Bitterness?\u00a0Unbelief?<\/p>\n<p>These reactions to what you have suffered are understandable, but they should not rule your life. You are living in God\u2019s world, and He is meant to be the ruler of your heart.\u00a0So when you notice that you are being ruled by your reactions to your attack, it\u2019s your opportunity to remember how much you need mercy and ask God for forgiveness.<\/p>\n<p><strong>3. Identify false guilt.<\/strong> Your mind is probably filled with an avalanche of thoughts like \u201cif only,\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s all my fault,\u201d and, \u201cWhy did I do this?\u201d\u00a0Probably 95 percent of these thoughts will be false or distorted. You do not need forgiveness for these things.\u00a0Your attacker is at fault, not you.<\/p>\n<p>Bring all of your confusion and hurt to God and cast it all on him.\u00a0\u201cCast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you\u201d (1 Peter 5:7, NIV).\u00a0Often it\u2019s helpful to talk with someone who will reassure you that guilty feelings are not always true.<\/p>\n<p><strong>4. Ask God to forgive you for any wrong choices.<\/strong>\u00a0If you made bad choices leading up to your assault, it is very freeing to ask God for forgiveness.\u00a0Please hear me very clearly on this point.\u00a0What happened to you was criminal; if you are feeling guilty about something, please remember that no matter what you did, you are not responsible for someone else\u2019s sin against you.\u00a0God makes it very clear in the Bible that each person is responsible for their own actions (James 1:14, 15).\u00a0But if there are things troubling your conscience, bring these to God. Perhaps a previous relationship with your attacker crossed lines. Perhaps you placed yourself in a compromising position. God promises forgiveness to everyone who asks (1 John 1:7-9).\u00a0If you are having trouble sorting out true guilt from false, ask a wise friend or pastor for help.<\/p>\n<h2>Talk with people you trust<\/h2>\n<p>God does not intend for you to face your heartbreak alone. One of the ways He helps you is through other people. You cannot solve this deep problem privately and alone. Find someone (or a group of people) you trust, and talk and pray with them.<\/p>\n<p>This might not be easy. Some of your friends won\u2019t know how to handle the aftermath of your attack. They might avoid you.\u00a0Or, even worse, they might say things that make you feel even worse.\u00a0Ask God to help you forgive your friends if they say foolish things or act in ways that are uncaring or hurtful.\u00a0Offer them the same forgiveness and mercy you have received from God.<\/p>\n<p>But wise friends will love you well, hang in there with you, point you to Jesus, and talk to you candidly and caringly. If you don\u2019t have friends like this, ask God to provide them for you. And then look for a church community where you can get connected.<\/p>\n<h2>Give yourself time to experience renewal<\/h2>\n<p>Sometimes people talk about \u201crecovery\u201d from a terrible experience.\u00a0But \u201crecovery\u201d means getting back to what was.\u00a0It\u2019s better to think about the process you are in as \u201crenewal.\u201d\u00a0Having faced terrible evil, you grow through it into a person with deeper, wiser faith.\u00a0You grow through it into a person with a deeper love and a greater ability to enter into the hurts that others have experienced.<\/p>\n<p>This terrible, traumatic evil happened in a moment, but dealing with the consequences and finding the ways that God will meet you and grow you will take time.\u00a0And there are tears that will not be wiped away until the last day (Revelation 21:1-5).\u00a0Some aspects of your pain may not be fully healed until Jesus comes again and heals all things. But there is a genuine healing process, a genuine growing process, a genuine transforming process in which something that is a terrible evil can be changed into something which brings about good in your life and in the life of other people. \u00a0And that process takes time.<\/p>\n<h2>Be a servant to others<\/h2>\n<p>When your identity is that of a servant, you are able to move towards others with love, even in the midst of your suffering.\u00a0As you live out your identity of God\u2019s servant, you will find that there are others who need your help.\u00a0This is one of the ways in which God works good out of what was intended for evil (Genesis 50:20). There are other men, women, and children who have gone through similar experiences or other sorts of painful trouble.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s no accident that people who come to terms with an evil like this often become useful in the lives of others.\u00a0You are able to combine compassion for the terrible trouble they\u2019re going through with a clear-mindedness about the way forward. Just living your life will bring hope to others who are suffering that there\u2019s a way forward.\u00a0You can share that this process can come out good, even though it\u2019s dark and overwhelming right now.<\/p>\n<p>When you do this, you are passing on the comfort you received from God to others.\u00a0As Paul puts it, \u201cBlessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God\u201d (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).<\/p>\n<p>I have counseled many people who have suffered through extreme hardship.\u00a0After going through the process of facing their hardship and facing Jesus, they invariably say something like this, \u201cI would never want to go through that again\u2014it was evil and dark. But I would never trade what I\u2019ve learned about the love of Jesus and about His grace in the midst of my suffering.\u201d\u00a0As you walk through this hard time\u2014struggling in Jesus\u2019 direction\u2014God will give you that same perspective.<\/p>\n<h3 style=\"text-align: center\">Frequently-Asked Questions<\/h3>\n<h2 style=\"padding-bottom: 5px\"><strong>My wife was raped, and I just don&#8217;t know how to cope.\u00a0 How can I help her and deal with my own reaction?<\/strong><\/h2>\n<p>Sin is like a big boulder in a mud puddle.\u00a0It splashes lots of people.\u00a0The spouse, the parents, and\/or the children of someone who was raped are also victims. In your case, the horrifying memory, the feeling of being overwhelmed, the broken heart is not the memory of what happened to you; it\u2019s the memory of what happened to somebody you love and wish you could have protected.<\/p>\n<p>A husband whose wife has been raped often has some reactions to it that are very embarrassing.\u00a0You might feel that your wife is unclean. You know she was a victim, so you feel terribly guilty about your reaction.\u00a0Or you might feel guilty that you weren\u2019t there to protect her.\u00a0Some of your reactions you can\u2019t share with your wife. So you need help.\u00a0You need a wise brother to talk and pray with about what happened and your reaction to it.<\/p>\n<p>Just like your wife, you also need to define your identity in terms of who loves you and who you love.\u00a0You are not primarily a man who was victimized by the rape of this wife.\u00a0You are loved by God, and He will help you love others.\u00a0Pray through Ephesians 3:14-21, and ask God to fill you with the knowledge of His love for you.<\/p>\n<p>Right now, more than ever, your wife needs your love.\u00a0If she\u2019s frightened, if she\u2019s stiff, if she\u2019s cold to you, if she pushes you away, if she has reactions to you that create a flashback, you need to be prepared so that you don\u2019t react with anger, or take it personally.\u00a0Love is patient, and that means sexual love is patient within marriage.<\/p>\n<p>Her attack may reveal to you that your sex drive can be pretty juvenile.\u00a0Once you get going, you just want to go, but your wife may not be ready.\u00a0You will need to talk with her and say, \u201cHoney, I still love you and tomorrow will be another day.\u00a0And would you like me to simply hold your hand?\u201d\u00a0Holding hands is not sexual intercourse, but it says to her that you are a trustworthy, patient lover.\u00a0It says to your wife that you aren\u2019t someone who forces yourself on her.\u00a0\u00a0 Your goal is that sexual love within marriage will be a mutually-willing, self-giving, shared experience, and it\u2019s important for you to grow in this area and for you to be patient as you wait for your wife to grow.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><em>\u00a9 Copyright 2010 by the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation. 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