{"id":9539,"date":"2012-04-30T16:44:00","date_gmt":"2012-04-30T21:44:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=9539"},"modified":"2012-04-30T16:44:00","modified_gmt":"2012-04-30T21:44:00","slug":"living-with-an-angry-abusive-or-violent-spouse","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/life-issues\/challenges\/mental-and-emotional-issues\/living-with-an-angry-abusive-or-violent-spouse\/","title":{"rendered":"Living With an Angry, Abusive, or Violent Spouse"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"bsf_rt_marker\" fetchpriority=\"high\"><\/div><h3 style=\"text-align: center;padding-top: 30px\">What You Need to Know<\/h3>\n<p>It shouldn\u2019t happen.<\/p>\n<p>You married someone you trusted, and you gave yourself to that person.\u00a0How could it be that the person you once trusted with your life now acts like the person who could <em>take<\/em> your life?\u00a0Whether you are facing unpredictable anger or outright physical abuse, this is betrayal at its worst.<\/p>\n<p>It just shouldn\u2019t happen.<\/p>\n<p>A quick scan of the Internet reveals that you are certainly not alone.\u00a0Twenty-five percent of adult women say they have experienced violence at the hands of their spouse or partner in a dating relationship.\u00a0Men, too, can be victims of spousal violence.\u00a0Eight percent report at least one such incident.\u00a0But since men are more often violent against women, and since women are typically weaker than angry or violent men, this article is written especially for women.<\/p>\n<p>If you have experienced violence, and you are living scared, statistics are little comfort.\u00a0Women who live in identical conditions don\u2019t protect you or give you hope for peace and reconciliation.\u00a0But the numbers do remind you that others know the pain of such a living situation, and that resources are available to help you.<\/p>\n<h2>You are not alone: There are people who want to help<\/h2>\n<p>Where can you turn for help?\u00a0\u00a0Where can you find a wise friend to guide you?<\/p>\n<p>If you attend a church, talk to your pastor.\u00a0If you don\u2019t attend a church, find one in your area.\u00a0Look for a church that is centered on Jesus Christ and believes what the Bible says about Him\u2014that He is the Son of God who came to earth, died for our sins, rose from the dead, and is the living and powerful head of His church today.\u00a0Find a community of people who worship this Jesus and who express their worship in love for one another.\u00a0There you will find hope and direction.<\/p>\n<h2>You are <em>really<\/em> not alone: Listen to the God who hears<\/h2>\n<p>Your long-term goal should be to know the personal God.\u00a0This won\u2019t magically change your situation, but you will find that knowing God does change everything.\u00a0Think about it for a moment.\u00a0What would it be like to know you are not alone, you are heard, and the One who hears is acting on your behalf?\u00a0It would make a difference.\u00a0It would especially make a difference if you knew that this person was the holy King of the universe.<\/p>\n<p>The challenge, of course, is that, at this time in history, you cannot see God with your eyes.\u00a0When you want real hands and feet to help you, the knowledge of God\u2019s presence might seem to provide very little consolation, but don\u2019t let your senses mislead you.\u00a0God\u2019s presence is a <em>real<\/em> spiritual presence.\u00a0The Spirit will confirm this, and \u201cBlessed are those who have not yet seen and yet have believed\u201d (John 20:29, ESV).<\/p>\n<p>How do you know that the invisible God of the universe is with you?\u00a0Look at the evidence from the past.\u00a0The Bible is full of stories about God hearing the cries of His people and coming to their rescue.<\/p>\n<p>In Genesis, the first book in the Bible, a woman named Hagar and her young son, were unfairly sent from their home and left in the wilderness to die. She turned her back on her son so she wouldn\u2019t have to watch him die, and they both wept.\u00a0They thought they were utterly alone, but \u201cGod heard the voice of the boy, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, \u2018What troubles you, Hagar? Fear not, for God has heard the voice of the boy where he is. Up! Lift up the boy, and hold him fast with your hand, for I will make him into a great nation\u2019\u201d (Genesis 21:17, 18).<\/p>\n<h2>God hears the cries of the oppressed<\/h2>\n<p>This is a pattern.\u00a0God\u2019s ears are finely tuned to tears.\u00a0Like a mother who wakes at the sound of her child, God hears the cries of the oppressed.<\/p>\n<p>We see this again when God\u2019s people, the Israelites, cried out because of their slavery in Egypt (Exodus 2:23, 24).\u00a0Like Hagar, the people were not even crying out to God; they were simply crying, and God heard. While some people can hear and do nothing, when the God of heaven and earth hears, He acts.\u00a0He gave Hagar and her son water and made her son the father of a great nation.\u00a0He responded to the cries of the Israelites by delivering them from their slavery in Egypt.<\/p>\n<p>So don\u2019t think that God merely listens.\u00a0His listening always includes action.\u00a0We may not see all of what He is doing, but, make no mistake, He is acting.<\/p>\n<h2>The God who hears wants to listen to you<\/h2>\n<p>God wants you to direct your cries and fears to Him. Does that seem impossible?\u00a0If so, He will help you to find the words.\u00a0Psalm 55 can get you started.<\/p>\n<blockquote style=\"margin-left: 1.5em;margin-right: 4em\"><p>\u201cMy heart is in anguish within me;\u00a0the terrors of death have fallen upon me.<br \/>\nFear and trembling come upon me, and horror overwhelms me. And I say, &#8220;Oh, that I had wings like a dove!\u00a0I would fly away and be at rest; yes, I would wander far away;\u00a0I would lodge in the wilderness; I would hurry to find a shelter\u00a0from the raging wind and tempest\u2026For it is not an enemy who taunts me\u2014then I could bear it; it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me\u2014then I could hide from him. But it is you, a man, my equal,\u00a0my companion, my familiar friend.<br \/>\nWe used to take sweet counsel together;\u00a0within God&#8217;s house we walked in the throng.\u201d (Psalm 55:4-8; 12-14)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>Psalm 55 has given a voice to human betrayal for centuries.\u00a0If the words fit your experience, then you are now part of a much larger body of people who have sung this psalm and made it their own. One person in particular leads the singing.\u00a0Yes, King David wrote this psalm, but he wrote it on behalf of the perfect King who was to come after him.\u00a0It is Jesus\u2019 psalm, and you are sharing in His Words (read Mark 14).\u00a0He was <em>the <\/em>innocent victim of evil people.\u00a0He was tortured and suffered a terrible death at their hands.\u00a0To be part of His chorus, all you have to do is follow Him.<\/p>\n<p>Indeed, you are not alone.<\/p>\n<h2>The God who hears is against injustice<\/h2>\n<p>The God who came to this world as Jesus and experienced oppression and injustice also stands against it.\u00a0When people are oppressed by those who have authority or physical power, God pronounces grief and judgment on the oppressors.<\/p>\n<blockquote style=\"margin-left: 1.5em;margin-right: 4em\"><p>&#8220;Woe to the shepherds who destroy and scatter the sheep of my pasture!&#8221; declares the LORD. Therefore thus says the LORD, the God of Israel, concerning the shepherds who care for my people: &#8220;You have scattered my flock and have driven them away, and you have not attended to them. Behold, I will attend to you for your evil deeds, declares the LORD. Then I will gather the remnant of my flock out of all the countries where I have driven them, and I will bring them back to their fold, and they shall be fruitful and multiply.\u201d \u00a0(Jeremiah 23:1-3)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>This doesn\u2019t mean you should silently gloat, \u201cYeah, go ahead.\u00a0You\u2019ll get yours some day.\u201d\u00a0As you probably know, women who are victimized usually don\u2019t think like that.\u00a0It\u2019s more likely that you feel guilty, as if somehow you are the cause of judgment on your spouse.\u00a0But neither response is what God intends.\u00a0He wants you to respond by depending on Him to be your defender.\u00a0He wants you to trust that He is hearing your cries and is going to act on your behalf.<\/p>\n<h3 style=\"text-align: center\">What You Need to Do<\/h3>\n<h2>1. Force yourself to take a first step.<\/h2>\n<p>Most likely, you are numb, scared, confused, and paralyzed.\u00a0If this describes you, then you might know some action steps, but taking one will seem impossible.\u00a0There is no trick to taking a first step; you just have to do it.<\/p>\n<p>Start by making a phone call to your pastor or a friend.\u00a0You need help, and God\u2019s hands and feet often are the friends He raises up to help you.\u00a0Look for God\u2019s help to arrive from God\u2019s people.<\/p>\n<p>You have many reasons why you don\u2019t ask for help.\u00a0One is that you don\u2019t know exactly what kind of help you need.\u00a0For example, you aren\u2019t eager for someone to confront your husband because you are afraid he will get even angrier at you.\u00a0You don\u2019t want to leave.\u00a0So what\u2019s left to do?\u00a0Your path isn\u2019t clearly marked, and you\u2019re not sure what to do next.\u00a0That makes it even more important for you to ask for help from someone else.<\/p>\n<h2><strong>2. Don&#8217;t let your sense of guilt of shame paralyze you.<\/strong><\/h2>\n<p>Another reason you might not ask for help is because you are experiencing something shameful. The truth is that you are not to blame for the cruel anger of another person. Even if you incite anger (and that is rarely the case), there is <em>never<\/em> any excuse for cruelty.<\/p>\n<p>Put it this way: You cannot make someone else sin.\u00a0Sin comes from our own selfish hearts.\u00a0Your spouse, when he is sinfully angry, is caring only about himself and his own desires (James 1:13-15). He will try to make it sound like it\u2019s your fault\u2014there isn\u2019t a victimized woman in the world who doesn\u2019t feel like she is somehow at fault\u2014but his sin is his alone.<\/p>\n<h2><strong>3. Find refuge if necessary.<\/strong><\/h2>\n<p>If you\u2019ve been physically hurt by your spouse, and he continues to threaten you, then you should get protection.\u00a0If children are threatened, this is essential.\u00a0Every county in the United States has domestic abuse hotlines that will provide you with resources.\u00a0Protection from abuse orders are available though your local courthouse.\u00a0Friends may have an extra room or two.\u00a0As you think about how to keep youself and your children safe, please find someone to discuss this with you and guide you.\u00a0God\u2019s wisdom says that the more important the decision, the more critical it is to receive counsel from wise people.<\/p>\n<p>The reality is that most women who are suffering like you don\u2019t take these steps.\u00a0Some who<em> do<\/em> quickly renege on them and go back to the abusive situation. Why?\u00a0Fear of retaliation, fear of aloneness, love for the perpetrator, hope that things at home will change, and the lingering guilt that says, \u201cIt\u2019s your fault.\u201d\u00a0These are powerful tugs that make decisive action very difficult.<\/p>\n<p>With this in mind, you can see how important it is to listen for the consensus among the wise people around you.\u00a0If you have fears and doubts about their counsel, voice them.<\/p>\n<h2><strong>4. Distinguish between loving your spouse and wanting to be loved by your spouse.<\/strong><\/h2>\n<p>Here\u2019s a hard distinction, but it can go a long way toward bringing you sanity.\u00a0Have you noticed that in all relationships we balance our <em>commitment to love<\/em> with our <em>desire to be loved<\/em>?\u00a0Usually the scales are tipped in favor of wanting to be loved.\u00a0Your goal is to tip the scales towards a <em>commitment to love<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>This is the way to avoid the twin contaminants of most relationships\u2014anger and fear.\u00a0When you <em>need<\/em> someone more than you love that person, you will be prone to anger, because you don\u2019t get the love that feels so critical to you.\u00a0You will also be prone to fear, because the other person has the power to give or withhold what you think you need.<\/p>\n<p>When you set your sights on your commitment to love, the possibilities are limitless.\u00a0Love gives you the clarity to make difficult decisions on the fly.\u00a0Should you speak out or be quiet? \u00a0\u00a0Love can guide you more than you realize. Even going to someone else and asking for advice and help with your difficult relationship can be an expression of love.\u00a0You need help because you care about your spouse.\u00a0His foolish, selfish lifestyle is not only hurting you, but it\u2019s also hurting him because it\u2019s spiritually self-destructive. Love wants to warn the fool.\u00a0It wants to rescue, if possible, the self-destructive person from the wrath of God.<\/p>\n<p>Love can be patient and kind (1 Corinthians 13).\u00a0It can rebuke (Leviticus 19:17).\u00a0It can stand against injustice and confront another person in their sin (Matthew 18:15-17).\u00a0The challenge is to keep the scales tipped in love\u2019s favor.<\/p>\n<p>You can only do this when you remember that God always tips the scales in love\u2019s favor in His relationship with you.\u00a0No matter how moral you have been, you have not been perfectly faithful to the one who created you.\u00a0But instead of withdrawing in anger, God pursues you even when you don\u2019t want to be pursued.<\/p>\n<p>Find the book of Hosea in your Bible (it\u2019s in the Old Testament), and read the first three chapters.\u00a0You will get a picture of God as the relentless lover of His people.\u00a0Although His people repeatedly reject Him, He will not give them up or let them go.<\/p>\n<p>As you know and experience God\u2019s pursuing love, your love for others will become stronger than your desire to be loved.\u00a0Trusting in God\u2019s love will free you to love others the way you have been loved.\u00a0After all, when we were God\u2019s enemies, He extended His call of love to us (Romans 5:10).\u00a0Since God loved us like this, we should expect that we will have the opportunity to love others in the same way.\u00a0The Bible calls this overcoming evil with good (Romans 12:20).<\/p>\n<h2><strong>5. Learn to disarm an angry person.<\/strong><\/h2>\n<p>Outfitted with love, you have more power than you think.\u00a0Love comes from the Spirit of the living God, the same Spirit who raised Jesus from the dead.\u00a0Whenever you encounter the Spirit in the Bible, you encounter power.\u00a0The power, of course, is the power of wisdom and love, and there are times when it can disarm an angry man.<\/p>\n<p>Because of the limitless possibilities of love, let wise friends brainstorm and pray with you.\u00a0Here are some things that the Spirit of power can help you do when you are faced with an angry spouse:<\/p>\n<ul style=\"padding: 0px 50px 20px 50px\">\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\">Ask him why he thinks you are the enemy.<\/li>\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\">Leave the house when he is sinfully angry.<\/li>\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\">Go and get help instead of being silenced by your shame and his threats.<\/li>\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\">Accept responsibility for your own sinful responses, and not accept responsibility for his.<\/li>\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\">Tell him what it is like to be the recipient of his anger and hatred.\u00a0Angry people are blind to how they hurt others.<\/li>\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\">Ask him if he thinks that he has a problem.<\/li>\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\">Speak with a humility that\u2019s more powerful than anger.\u00a0When in doubt, you could ask what he thinks you did that was wrong.\u00a0You don\u2019t have to defend your reputation before him.<\/li>\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\">If he claims to want to change, ask him what steps he is taking to change.<\/li>\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\">Keep James 4:1-2 in mind.\u00a0You are witnessing his selfish desires running amok.\u00a0Be careful that you don\u2019t become an imitator of such behavior.<\/li>\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\">Don\u2019t minimize his destructive behavior.\u00a0Sinful anger is called hatred and murder (Matthew 5:21, 22).<\/li>\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\">Read through the book of Proverbs underlining all the sayings about anger.\u00a0Proverbs like \u201creckless words pierce like a sword\u201d will validate your experiences (Proverbs 12:18).<\/li>\n<li>Remember, it is possible to overcome evil with good.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>This is only a sketchy list.\u00a0The details will have to be worked out within your community of counselors.\u00a0What guarantees do you have?\u00a0God doesn\u2019t guarantee the momentary peace and quiet you might be longing for; instead He promises you something much more lasting.\u00a0He promises that as you turn and trust Jesus Christ you will become more like Him; that His Spirit will help you love more than you need to be loved; that God will be with you, He will hear and act on your behalf; and that although the Spirit of God is the one who changes hearts, you have more power than you know\u2014the power to both know and promote peace.<\/p>\n<h3 style=\"text-align: center\">Frequently-asked Questions<\/h3>\n<h2 style=\"padding-bottom: 5px\">Is it wrong to leave, even if my husband is violent? Isn&#8217;t marriage a permanent commitment?<\/h2>\n<p>The Bible does emphasize that marriage is a covenant that should not be broken unless we have God\u2019s permission (Matthew 19:6).\u00a0Do you have permission when there is domestic violence?\u00a0Know this for certain: God opposes such evil and intends care for the oppressed (Jeremiah 23:1-3).\u00a0Such care can sometimes be found in finding a place for refuge and protection.\u00a0If you need to leave and seek safety, that is not necessarily a first step toward divorce.\u00a0It is better understood as a statement of hope and a desire to see change in the marriage relationship.<\/p>\n<p>You are right that these decisions are difficult.\u00a0Therefore, ask for help.\u00a0Ask your pastor to guide you in the knowledge of what God says.<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"padding-bottom: 5px\">Can angry men change?<\/h2>\n<p>This question can be heard two ways.\u00a0First, \u201cI want a relationship.\u00a0Can my spouse change?\u201d\u00a0The answer is yes, absolutely! God changes all kinds of people.\u00a0If He can change us, when we see that our hearts are prone to selfishness and quickly stray from trusting Him, then He can certainly change people who are like us.<\/p>\n<p>You probably already believe that God has the power to change anyone.\u00a0Your biggest struggle will be to put your hope in God more than you put your hope in your husband changing.\u00a0When you put your hope in God, you live on a rock.\u00a0When you put your hope in a person, you will feel like a life raft let loose on the open sea.<\/p>\n<p>Second, this question might be about the process of change.\u00a0You might be really saying something like this, \u201cMy husband has promised to change so many times, but we end up at the same place.\u00a0Can he change, or is there a deeper problem?\u201d\u00a0Sin is hard to leave, in part, because we like it.\u00a0In the case of abusive anger, the angry person might like the sense of power and control.\u00a0If your husband says he wants to change, then he should have a plan.\u00a0This plan should include at least the following things:<\/p>\n<ul style=\"padding: 0px 50px 20px 50px\">\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\"><em>Accountability:<\/em> He must be willing and able to speak openly about his sinful behavior to others who can help<\/li>\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\"><em>Confession:<\/em>\u00a0He must be able to understand and confess that his anger has been destructive, recognize that his behavior is ultimately against God, and learn to hate his sin.<\/li>\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\"><em>Growth in the knowledge of the true God:<\/em>\u00a0All the best intentions are not enough to bring about deep change.\u00a0The real problem with angry men is their arrogance and \u201chatred toward God\u201d (read James 4:1-10), in which case they must both confess their sin against God and set out on a course of knowing and fearing Him.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<hr \/>\n<p><em>\u00a9 Copyright 2010 by the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation. All rights reserved. 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