{"id":95215,"date":"2020-02-17T08:33:01","date_gmt":"2020-02-17T15:33:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=95215"},"modified":"2025-02-12T14:01:46","modified_gmt":"2025-02-12T19:01:46","slug":"how-do-i-help-a-friend-who-talks-about-suicide","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/faith\/essentials-faith\/reaching-out\/how-do-i-help-a-friend-who-talks-about-suicide\/","title":{"rendered":"How Do I Help a Friend Who Talks About Suicide?"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

Editor’s note:<\/strong> If you or a friend are contemplating suicide or self-harm, please seek help right away. You are not alone, and you are so worthy of love and support. Get help now by texting or calling the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 or visit www.iasp.info\/suicidalthoughts\/.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know if I\u2019m even going to get up tomorrow.\u201d Has a friend ever confided something similar? Or that they\u2019re struggling with suicidal thoughts? It\u2019s unnerving. How do I help a suicidal friend?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Questions flood your head: I wonder what\u2019s wrong? Would it feel meaningful if I said \u201cI care about you and I\u2019m sorry?” What do I do?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not knowing our place, we fear we\u2019ll make it worse and believe there must be someone more fitting to help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yet, here we are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To shed light on the \u201cdo\u2019s and don\u2019ts,\u201d I interviewed a friend who battled suicidal thoughts and Ron Deal<\/a>, a licensed marriage and family therapist, for their insights.<\/p>\n\n\n

Can I even help someone with suicidal thoughts?<\/h2>\n\n\n

While, we can’t take responsibility for another person’s life, there are a few ways we can help. People dealing with suicidal thoughts often don\u2019t know how to live and are desperately looking for a reason to keep going. That\u2019s something we can help with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s a pain in their life they can\u2019t see around. They don\u2019t know how to \u201cdo that pain\u201d anymore, Deal says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Knowing this, how can we respond and offer help to a suicidal friend?<\/p>\n\n\n

1. Show up<\/h3>\n\n\n

Not knowing what to do, we often do very little. But doing nothing isn\u2019t helpful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe power of presence is the right answer,\u201d Deals says. \u201cYou may not know yet what that means logistically, but finding a way to ‘show up’ is what\u2019s important.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For my friend who battled suicidal thoughts, her parents\u2019 presence made all the difference.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhen I was talking to my mom, I told her how I was feeling and how I didn\u2019t feel like I had a lot of hope,\u201d she says. \u201cShe sat with me and listened. She told me \u2019it was okay\u2019 and \u2018we\u2019re going to get through it together\u2019 and that she had struggled with those things before too. It made me think, \u2018OK, she knows there\u2019s a way out. I\u2019m not trapped by my emotions.\u2019 She was there for me. So was my dad. He gave me a big hug and it made me feel like I wasn\u2019t alone.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Presence is more than physical nearness. It\u2019s whatever communicates, I haven’t forgotten you. I care about you. <\/em>This can be done in small ways like sending a \u201ctext hug.\u201d When texting a friend who\u2019s hurting Deal often writes: Consider yourself hugged.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201c<\/em>That\u2019s presence,\u201d he says. \u201cIt tells them, \u2018You may be halfway around the world, but I\u2019m with you.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n

2. Don\u2019t judge<\/h3>\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m convinced the vast majority of people who get a divorce never wanted a divorce, and that includes people who filed the paperwork,\u201d Deal says. \u201cThey just don\u2019t know how to do life as is. It\u2019s their last resort. Suicide is similar.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The agony of pain blinds us. When we can’t see other options, it’s natural to seek escape through the only door we recognize. For some, they see the only escape as suicide. Because of this, judging someone\u2019s pain never helps<\/a>. Especially if you’re trying to help a suicidal friend.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cJust because you don\u2019t understand their pain doesn\u2019t make it stupid,\u201d he says. \u201cTelling someone, for example, they don\u2019t have enough faith is stupid. So set aside the judgement and go give them a verbal or physical hug.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI was scared people would think it was stupid I was having these problems,\u201d my friend shared. \u201cBut when I found out they weren\u2019t disappointed and it was a normal thing to feel, it helped me move forward.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n

3. Help carry their burden<\/h3>\n\n\n

If you\u2019re like me, you probably wish you had the superpower to remove pain. But seeing as we don\u2019t, showing up helps carry the burden for your suicidal friend.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But what does that mean? Christians often quote Galatians 6:2, 5, \u201cBear one another\u2019s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ … For each will have to bear his own load.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHold up!\u201d you say. \u201cYou\u2019re saying we\u2019re supposed to bear others\u2019 burdens, but let them shoulder their load? Isn\u2019t that contradictory?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No, because burdens and loads are separate things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLoads are like backpacks,\u201d Deal explains. \u201cWe all carry our own daily responsibilities, the stuff we can manage. Burdens are like a truck full of rocks. We can\u2019t carry it on our own. So when we hear of someone who\u2019s suicidal, assume there is a burden too big to carry, a truck of rocks, that we can help alleviate with our presence.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aside from her parents\u2019 constant listening, my friend says another practical way they lifted her burden was through setting her up with a counselor. Her parents\u2019 willingness to let someone else help blessed her greatly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even a simple word, a compliment, or a meal can help lighten the burden for a friend who talks about suicide. This must be an ongoing response.<\/p>\n\n\n

4. Respect their feelings<\/h3>\n\n\n

It\u2019s not easy, but we must resist the urge to fix their pain with clich\u00e9s. Rather, be willing to ask questions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Have enough respect for the size of their pain that you don\u2019t try to throw a platitude on it to fix it,\u201d Deals says. \u201cPeople are dying for someone to know their pain. Don\u2019t be afraid you will make them feel bad; they already feel bad. You are not going to make it worse.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You should also respect their preference about who to invite into the conversation. He suggests this rule of thumb when trying to help a friend with suicidal thoughts: If you wonder if you should include Pastor John, or Susie Sue, ask your friend. But be alert. If you sense they\u2019re not thinking logically, do what you think is best.<\/p>\n\n\n

5. Ask clarifying questions<\/h3>\n\n\n

If a statement makes you wonder whether or not your friend is really contemplating suicide, it\u2019s helpful to be prepared with these questions:<\/p>\n\n\n

    \n
  • Are you thinking of harming yourself?<\/em> \u2014 This won\u2019t plant suicidal thoughts in their head if they aren\u2019t already there. It will simply give you a sense of where their mind is going.<\/li>\n
  • How would you do it? \u2014 <\/em>This is standard suicide hotline protocol. If they describe a detailed plan, then you know they’re thinking more seriously about suicide. If they don’t seem to have a plan, they may not be actively suicidal.<\/li>\n
  • What would it take for you to put your plan into action? \u2014 <\/em>If they\u2019re on the cusp, don\u2019t leave their presence. Tell them, \u201cI care for you so much that I feel the need to get you to someone so you\u2019re safe.\u201d Now\u2019s the time to call 911 or (if possible) have another trusted person leave the room and make the call.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n

    These questions can also be useful in other situations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u201cThose are not bad questions for parents to know when they come across a child who\u2019s distressed and upset and you feel the need to ask,\u201d Deal says. \u201cIn the throes of teenage confusion and being hurt by friends \u2026 it\u2019s taken less than that for some people to do something really harmful to themselves.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    6.  Pray with a suicidal friend<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    Burdened by feelings of shame, some think, \u201cI can\u2019t talk to God about this, because He\u2019s going to be mad at me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    If someone struggling with suicidal thoughts conveys this sentiment, defy that lie by praying with them out loud about their struggle. Remind them God can handle it. Christ himself prayed in the garden before His death, because the anguish overwhelmed Him (Matthew 26:36-56).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Encourage them to keep the conversation with God going, and remind them of your continual prayers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    7. Take care of yourself, too<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    Your own emotions can run the gamut: anxiety, compassion fatigue, adopting the \u201cMessiah Complex\u201d\u2026 These emotions show you care, but they aren\u2019t healthy to sit in. In the midst of loving a suicidal friend, remember these truths to keep you balanced:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \n\n
    1. You are not their savior. Christ is.<\/li>\n\n\n
    2. The Body of Christ is meant to surround you when you need help. Reach out to them.<\/li>\n\n\n
    3. You don\u2019t have to do this alone. Get perspective from a pastor or licensed mental health professional.<\/li>\n\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

      Ultimately, as both my friend and Ron shared, your presence is what matters most. \u201cAt the end of the day, you, not something you do, are the strongest support you have to offer,\u201d Deal says. \u201cDo not underestimate the power of just showing up.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \n\n\n\n

      Copyright \u00a9 2020 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Lauren Miller serves on staff with FamilyLife as a writer in Little Rock, Arkansas, though she’ll always be a California girl. She graduated from Biola University and the Torrey Honors Institute where the Lord first planted in her a love for family and marriage ministry. As a single, she loves serving the youth at her church, watching British dramas, and reading a good book in her free time. <\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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