{"id":9438,"date":"2013-10-23T11:41:00","date_gmt":"2013-10-23T16:41:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=9438"},"modified":"2013-10-23T11:41:00","modified_gmt":"2013-10-23T16:41:00","slug":"12-things-your-mother-in-law-wants-to-tell-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/life-issues\/relationships\/inlaws-and-others\/12-things-your-mother-in-law-wants-to-tell-you\/","title":{"rendered":"12 Things Your Mother-in-Law Wants to Tell You"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

The second year of my son\u2019s marriage, he and his wife had Thanksgiving with us. My daughter-in-law made a delicious sweet potato casserole. My mother and I complemented her on it and asked for the recipe. \u201cIt\u2019s a family recipe,\u201d my daughter-in-law said. \u201cSo I don\u2019t give it out.\u201d   <\/em>\u2014Anonymous mother-in-law<\/p>\n

Whoa! I had thought that daughters-in-law were the ones with the in-law stories. Well, apparently mothers-in-law have their share of stories, too.<\/p>\n

Recently I asked some friends a few simple questions about in-laws. In my unofficial poll, I asked women of all ages several questions, including: \u201cWhat makes a good daughter-in-law?\u201d and \u201cWhat do you wish you could tell your daughter-in-law?\u201d<\/p>\n

One mother-in-law sent me an e-mail that brought back memories. \u201cThat little boy that brought me dandelions and messy hugs,\u201d she said, \u201cis now a grown man with a family of his own.  I need to fully release him so he is allowed to change and adapt to his wife and adult life.  I don\u2019t want to be a parent who says or does things that grate in the mind of my daughter-in-law. She is the one who knows my son best now.\u201d<\/p>\n

Yes, a mom relinquishes her title of \u201cfirst lady\u201d in her son\u2019s life on his wedding day. Perhaps that\u2019s why some have described the relationship between a mother- and daughter-in-law as fragile or tense. God certainly didn\u2019t intend it to be that way.<\/p>\n

Here are 12 themes that emerged from the responses I received:<\/p>\n

1.  Although my relationship with my son has changed, remember that I am still his mother.<\/h3>\n

\u201cEven though you are the woman in my son\u2019s life now, be considerate of the fact that I used to be the woman in his life.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe most important thing that you can do for me as your mother-in-law is to love my son unconditionally. \u2026 You\u2019ve now taken my spot as my son\u2019s biggest fan.\u201d<\/p>\n

2. Accept me for who I am.<\/h3>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t try to change me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAccept my eccentricities.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRealize that I may do things differently in my home. Try to understand my ways.\u201d<\/p>\n

3. Please respect my age and experience.<\/h3>\n

\u201cI would like to know how to share some of my experience with you without offending or intruding.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRespect my past experiences and realize that I understand the personalities in the family.\u201d<\/p>\n

4. Talk with me about hard things.<\/h3>\n

\u201cIf I have offended you, I may not know this. You have the freedom to say to me, nicely,  \u2018Remember when you said ______. Did you mean _____?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am not perfect. Let\u2019s both assume that the other is doing the best she can.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you are feeling hurt by something I did or said, find a way to gently bring it up. You may even want to ask me if you could have done something differently.\u201d<\/p>\n

5. Try to understand.<\/h3>\n

\u201cWhen there are problems in family relationships, each person needs to overlook with grace when possible, and when not, address the issues kindly.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReject bitterness.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t judge. There are two sides to any story.\u201d<\/p>\n

6. Remember, we are family.<\/h3>\n

\u201cI really appreciate it when you tell me about some of the family\u2019s funny stories.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s nice to be invited to events with your parents, brothers\/sisters, etc., … sharing as one big family.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease include me in some of the family activities and traditions.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI love it when you ask me to go shopping. I think my son likes the fact that we share this common bond together.\u201d<\/p>\n

7. Communicate with me.<\/h3>\n

\u201cI once felt totally distanced from you and did not know why.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI wish you would ask me for my opinion about some things.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d love to tell you more about my son\u2019s childhood\u2014please ask me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI wish you would pick up the phone and call me just to chat.\u201d<\/p>\n

8. Get to know me as a person.<\/h3>\n

\u201cI am a person with feelings, beliefs, and ideas, and they are not just an extension of the man you married.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFind things that we have in common, and let\u2019s enjoy them together.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease don\u2019t compare me to your parents and how they did things.\u201d<\/p>\n

9. Express expectations clearly.<\/h3>\n

\u201cI wish you would express some guidelines that you expect in your home.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSometimes you interpret my desire to be helpful as criticism of you. I certainly do not intend this. It would help if you would tell me the best ways that I could help you.\u201d<\/p>\n

10. Help me know my grandchildren.<\/h3>\n

\u201cYour children need their lives filled with Grandma and Grandpa.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy only grandchild lives hundreds of miles away. When you regularly share pictures of him with me, it means so much.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI have tried to communicate with you how much it means to me to keep me informed about my grandson. I hate to keep having to drop hints. You did it for awhile when I let you know that my son didn\u2019t tell me normal everyday activities and other things grammies want to know. You didn\u2019t realize this and kept me posted for a short time. But it\u2019s back to hearing nothing again.\u201d<\/p>\n

11. Take time to express gratitude.<\/h3>\n

\u201cWhen you and my son visit, it means a lot to me when you offer to help with the meals and with clean up.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt meant a lot to me when you posted on your Facebook page: \u2018I am thankful for my mother-in-law! I am so grateful for our great relationship. It is so important! And ever since I got married our relationship has become so natural and I love spending time with her!\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease take time to express your appreciation for a gift by writing a note or calling just to say, \u2018Thanks!\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

12. Thank you!<\/h3>\n

\u201cThank you for believing in my son and encouraging him to stay connected with us.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou truly are the wind beneath my son\u2019s sails and I really appreciate and love you. You understand my son far better than I do, and I thank God for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve got the best daughter-in-law God could give. I am so blessed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are perfect for my son. How much we enjoy you for who you are!\u201d<\/p>\n

Some mothers- and daughters-in-law form close friendships very quickly. For others, this may take years. But most mothers- and daughters-in-law do want to connect with each other. They want to find common ground. They want to know each other as individual women with feelings, beliefs, and ideas.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s been years since the feelings of that one mother-in-law were hurt on Thanksgiving Day over a sweet potato casserole recipe that her daughter-in-law didn\u2019t want to give her. Today they understand each other much better. They appreciate one another, enjoy being together, and truly love each other.<\/p>\n

That mother-in-law shared with me what I believe is the secret to any God-honoring relationship: We\u2019re still \u201cgrowing together \u2026 offering grace.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

Copyright \u00a9 2011 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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