{"id":94309,"date":"2020-01-28T11:12:53","date_gmt":"2020-01-28T18:12:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=94309"},"modified":"2020-01-28T11:12:53","modified_gmt":"2020-01-28T18:12:53","slug":"i-was-terrified-to-be-a-mom","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/parenting\/essentials\/mothers\/i-was-terrified-to-be-a-mom\/","title":{"rendered":"I Was Terrified to Be a Mom"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

When you\u2019re dating, people want to know when you\u2019re getting engaged. When you\u2019re engaged, people want to know when you\u2019re getting married. And as soon as you\u2019re married, people want to know when you\u2019ll start having children.<\/p>\n

Since my husband and I were in our thirties when we got married, our friends and family were practically lobbing questions at us about when we would start our family along with the rice they threw at us as we left our reception.<\/p>\n

I was terrified to be a mom<\/h2>\n

Intellectually, I believed children were a blessing (Psalm 127:3). Spiritually, I knew that God instructed husbands and wives to be fruitful and to bear children (Genesis 1:28). But emotionally, I didn\u2019t feel ready. I was terrified to be a mom.<\/p>\n

I was overwhelmed by my fear that I\u2019d be like the mom I\u2019d had. In fact, even the name \u201cMom\u201d scared me. I was overidentifying with a wound from my past and it was paralyzing.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, we don\u2019t get a free pass to ignore Bible verses we\u2019re uncomfortable with. It was time to stop identifying as Esther Fleece, the girl from a broken family with a broken past. It was time to create a new family cycle and a legacy for generations to come.<\/p>\n

A few months into our marriage, I heard my husband praying for me while he drank his morning coffee in the front room. He was talking to God about his desire to have children, asking Him to bless our family by increasing us in number and for my body to be able to bear children. It\u2019s hard to be unmoved when you hear somebody praying for you\u2014even more so when it\u2019s the person you love more than anyone in the world.<\/p>\n

Remember how I mentioned I was terrified to be a mom? I was tempted to be annoyed with him for praying for something I didn\u2019t feel ready for. Instead, my spirit was awakened to the reality that I was the one who could help him see his prayers answered. I was the woman who could fulfill his desire to have children.<\/p>\n

I wanted to see my husband\u2019s prayers answered, and I wanted to bless him with children, even if I was terrified to be a mom.<\/p>\n

Pushing through fear<\/h2>\n

Even the name \u201cMom\u201d gave me anxiety. But I began asking God if He wanted motherhood to be a part of my identity.<\/p>\n

I knew there was no guarantee I\u2019d be a good mom, and I wasn\u2019t even sure I\u2019d be able to have biological children. But I started praying, God, is one of my names \u201cMom\u201d? Is this a role You have for me?<\/em><\/p>\n

I was scared to pray these prayers. I was scared of what answer I might receive. I was scared that I wouldn\u2019t be able to live up to expectations. And I was scared to take on the new name of \u201cMom\u201d when that name had previously brought me so much pain.<\/p>\n

But stepping into a new season requires us to leave behind the labels that limit us. When we stay in our old names, identifying with our old stories, we make our life focus about ourselves. God wants to reveal His<\/em> name to the world through our stories and the people we are becoming<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Scripture reminds us that God is doing a new thing (Isaiah 43:19). Are we preparing our hearts for God to do something new, or have old labels and seasons paralyzed us?<\/p>\n

Grow closer to God with our free devotional download.<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n

Choosing blessing<\/h2>\n

Shortly after I heard my husband praying, we found out I was pregnant. We couldn\u2019t believe it!<\/p>\n

I\u2019d had prayers go unanswered for years\u2014even decades\u2014and I was anticipating this prayer might take years and tears and heartaches too. But sometimes it\u2019s part of God\u2019s process to answer our prayers quickly to build our faith back up again.<\/p>\n

Nine months of preparing for our baby gave me adequate time to begin to accept this new part of my identity. I went from doubting I could become a good mom to believing God would give me everything I needed to be the best mother for my son.<\/p>\n

I chose to throw off the old lie that I wasn\u2019t good enough, smart enough, or equipped enough and trust that God would be present with me in my parenting. I watched fears like \u201chaving a child could hold me back in my career\u201d give way to praising and thanking God every day that this son could be the focus of my affection.<\/p>\n

Experiencing a different kind of birth<\/h2>\n

Pregnancy was a great example to me that we need time to marinate in our new God-given roles. Yes, God can change us in a millisecond\u2014I went from being terrified to be a mom to being excited to meet my son. But it still took some time for me to learn how to live in it.<\/p>\n

Childbirth was good for my faith. I saw that pain, however long, does eventually come to an end. I saw that suffering produces good fruit\u2014physically, emotionally, and spiritually. That I needed help in my pain\u2014and I had my strong husband, a doula, nurses, and a doctor there to help me. That I was expected to call out for help in my pain instead of trying to prove that I was strong.<\/p>\n

I saw that when God births a new story for you and a new role in that story, it will be a beautiful process.<\/p>\n

It may take time. It may not look like you thought it would. There may be pain along the way. You will need helpers and encouragers. But this process is intensely beautiful, and it\u2019s meant for every single one of us. God is always birthing something new within us.<\/p>\n

What new name might God have for you? Maybe your old identity was \u201cunwanted\u201d and \u201cabandoned.\u201d Will you trust God to lead you into your new identity as \u201cchosen\u201d and \u201ccared for\u201d? Maybe in your old story you felt like a misfit. Will you trust God to lead you into a new story of belonging?<\/p>\n

Your new identity is meant to tell of what God has done inside of you, not to draw attention to your past. God has new names and new seasons in store for you. Ask Him to birth something new.<\/p>\n

\n

Copyright \u00a9 2020 by Esther Fleece Allen. Used with permission.<\/em><\/p>\n

CNN has called Esther Fleece Allen one of \u201cFive Women to Watch in Religion,\u201d <\/em>USA Today has named her one of the \u201cNew Faces of Evangelicalism\u201d and <\/em>Christianity Today has called her \u201cone of the 50 women shaping the church and culture.\u201d Esther is a graduate of the Oxford Center of Christian Apologetics and is currently in seminary. Her favorite new names are \u201cwife\u201d and \u201cmama.\u201d For more information visit\u00a0www.\u200bEstherFleeceAllen.\u200bcom<\/a><\/em>.<\/p>\n

Follow her on \u00a0Instagram<\/a>, Twitter<\/a>, and Facebook<\/a>. And check out her book <\/em>Your New Name<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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