{"id":9302,"date":"2014-09-26T10:24:00","date_gmt":"2014-09-26T15:24:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=9302"},"modified":"2014-09-26T10:24:00","modified_gmt":"2014-09-26T15:24:00","slug":"they-were-living-in-survival-mode","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/real-stories\/marriage-real-stories\/resurrected-marriages\/they-were-living-in-survival-mode\/","title":{"rendered":"They Were Living in Survival Mode"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

For Dusk and Amy Bennett, the early years of marriage started like they do for most couples: They learned to adjust to each other\u2019s habits and preferences. They shared their dreams for the future. Amy learned to cook. They discussed their plans to start a family in their Los Angeles home.<\/p>\n

But they soon learned life doesn\u2019t always go as planned. After several miscarriages, Amy gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Sierra, in 2007.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe had our daughter, who was wonderful, and life was great,\u201d Dusk recalls. \u201cNothing could be wrong.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd then, of course, everything kind of fell apart.\u201d<\/p>\n

Challenges during pregnancy<\/strong><\/h5>\n

\"\"After Sierra\u2019s second birthday, they decided to expand their small family. Amy quickly became pregnant again, but at just 10 weeks the doctors saw something abnormal. Further testing showed their baby had Down syndrome. Given the option to terminate the pregnancy, they quickly declined.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe had always said we were pro-life,\u201d Amy says. \u201cBut you never really know how your spouse is going to react until you\u2019re presented with the situation. We both felt very strongly that it was God\u2019s provision to give and take away life.\u201d<\/p>\n

Shortly after, their baby passed away at 15 weeks.<\/p>\n

Another miscarriage followed, but it wasn\u2019t long before Amy was pregnant again. She passed the first trimester, and nothing abnormal showed up in early testing. But at 17 weeks, Amy and Dusk received the news no parent is prepared for: Their baby had Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. Plainly speaking, the left side of the heart had not formed. Their growing baby only had half of a heart.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey strongly encouraged us to terminate,\u201d Amy says. \u201cWe just had this conversation 10 months ago that we weren\u2019t going to terminate for Down syndrome. What makes you think we\u2019re going to terminate for something you can surgically repair?<\/em>\u201d Amy recalls thinking at the time. \u201cIt was a very trying time for us. It was super scary.\u201d<\/p>\n

In February 2010, Bodie was born, and the Bennetts\u2019 world turned upside down. Amy says he had a much rougher course than anyone had envisioned.<\/p>\n

A surreal experience<\/strong><\/h5>\n

During Bodie\u2019s first year, they came close to losing their son a number of times. He had three open-heart surgeries during his first year of life\u2014at 5 days old, and again at 2 months and 7 months.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe were pretty much living in survival mode,\u201d Amy says. \u201cAnd anybody can do [survival mode] for a little while, but after a little while it becomes very, very hard.\u201d<\/p>\n

While Bodie remained in critical condition at the hospital, Amy lived there too. On the nights she could, she made the 45-minute drive from the hospital back to their home to have dinner with Dusk and Sierra before helping get her daughter to bed. Afterward, she drove back to hospital to sleep. Dusk continued his full-time job while taking care of his daughter with his wife away. He says it was a very difficult time for their family and their marriage.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was numb,\u201d Dusk says. \u201cThe whole experience is just so surreal you just can\u2019t feel anything. And certainly that doesn\u2019t help a relationship with your spouse when she\u2019s literally there doing everything and then I\u2019m removed from the situation, completely numb to everything \u2026 You just kind of check out. And for the longest time that\u2019s kind of what I did.\u201d<\/p>\n

Amy says, \u201cI would not say my husband and I did a particularly good job of processing. I would love to say we leaned into each other and it made our marriage stronger, but it didn\u2019t. It was one of the hardest periods of our marriage.\u201d<\/p>\n

Stuck in a hurricane<\/strong><\/h5>\n

They managed to make it through the next couple of years, as Amy puts it, limping along. But life continued to storm around the Bennett family. With their son now home and the couple learning to live a new normal, they came home one day to discover someone had broken into their house. The trauma of the burglary just added to the stress Amy and Dusk were already under.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy husband and I looked at each other and were like, \u2018We\u2019re not going to make it. We can\u2019t do this if we don\u2019t get things figured out,\u2019\u201d Amy says. At this point, they knew they needed help.<\/p>\n

A pastor friend stepped in to offer marital counseling and helped the couple refocus from how long their journey ahead was, to how far they had come as a family. Dusk and Amy planned to re-center their lives on each other, and took a weekend trip for their anniversary. Yes, they had a long road ahead with their son, but they were determined to make it through together.<\/p>\n

And then Dusk was diagnosed with Meniere\u2019s disease, an inner-ear imbalance. After just a week on a steroid, he developed avascular hip necrosis. The necrosis caused enough damage that at age 39, Dusk learned that he would ultimately need to have both of his hips replaced. The following year, he suffered two heart attacks.<\/p>\n

\u201cAs a young to middle-aged male, so much of how we view ourselves is tied to our physical identity,\u201d Dusk says. \u201cFrom a psychological side, it\u2019s had a huge impact on our marriage because it\u2019s lit a fire inside that\u2019s not a good one \u2026 Lit the dormant anxiety I didn\u2019t realize was sitting there, and it\u2019s made me much more prone to anxiety and panic attacks.\u201d<\/p>\n

As the young couple were just beginning to realize the long road ahead with Dusk\u2019s health, they got more heartbreaking news about their son. Just after Bodie turned 3 (after Dusk\u2019s first hip replacement), they learned their son would need yet another surgery.<\/p>\n

Bodie\u2019s surgery did not go as planned. The doctors had to go back in for a second operation three days later, and then their son had to endure a complicated nine-month recovery that included a life-threatening infection. Following this, Bodie seemed to be doing better.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen you\u2019re going through that much, it\u2019s sort of like being stuck in the middle of a hurricane,\u201d Dusk says. \u201cIf you\u2019re realizing you\u2019re under attack and you have nowhere to go, you hunker down. And you\u2019d rather be hunkering down with somebody than with nobody. So you grab onto the first thing you have. In that case, it was my wife.\u201d<\/p>\n

Despite everything happening around them, they chose to safeguard their marriage further. They signed up to attend a Weekend to Remember\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Then the storm hit home in a different way. Their house caught fire. \u201cIt was by the grace of God we were home and managed to get out and none of us injured,\u201d Amy says. \u201cBut we stood on the street and watched our house burn, which is something you can\u2019t even put into words.\u201d<\/p>\n

The fire was ultimately contained in the attic, but the smoke and water damage was devastating. With their home being taken down to the studs, and their family living in a hotel room, no one would have expected Dusk and Amy to follow through with their plans to attend the marriage getaway.<\/p>\n

Rebuilding their home and marriage<\/strong><\/h5>\n

Two weeks after the fire, on the day they picked up the keys to a rental home, Dusk and Amy left the kids with her parents and drove to Ventura to attend their second Weekend to Remember\u00ae marriage getaway. (They had originally attended when they were engaged.)<\/p>\n

\u201cOne of my big takeaways was I had totally missed the boat,\u201d Amy says. \u201cIt wasn\u2019t about putting up with how your spouse is different, but it\u2019s actually recognizing what their unique talents and gifts are that God gave them. I need to look at what he brings to the table that\u2019s better than what I bring and really learn from our differences and seek out the positive.\u201d<\/p>\n

After the conference, Dusk and Amy visited what was left of their home. Dusk remembers seeing the shell of the home they shared. From the front door, he could see into their backyard, where their children had played just two weeks before. While they were rebuilding their home, their marriage was going through a rebuilding of its own.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is the beginning of our grief,\u201d Dusk says, remembering those moments standing next to his wife. \u201cAnd we\u2019re going to have to focus on our relationship with each other if we\u2019re going to make it through this alive.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe came home with so much hope,\u201d Amy says. \u201cYou just feel like, we can do this. Whatever’s going to get thrown at us, we can do this. We have some great tools now, we’re communicating better than we had in years. I think whatever you’re going home to, if you let the conference really sink in and resonate, there’s so much that can be brought home with you.\u201d<\/p>\n

When the rebuilding of their house was complete, and the Bennett family was once again home, life continued as usual. But in 2016, Bodie had another surgery that threw him into heart failure. Amy says right now is a period of unknowns for their family\u2014the only thing they do know is that at some point he will need a transplant\u2014but they are making the most of it.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re trying to learn to appreciate each moment of life where we\u2019re at,\u201d she says. \u201cI feel like it\u2019s hard, in any marriage, not just one that\u2019s dealt with the trauma we have. It\u2019s easy to get lost in the minutia of the day-to-day life.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dusk, who also teaches recording students at Loyola Marymount University, is often asked about how to make it in the music industry. His marriage advice to young couples is the same he offers to students.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou need to be prepared to do a lot of things you don\u2019t want to do,\u201d he says. \u201cYou need to be prepared for really unfortunate and really nasty things to happen. And you\u2019re going to have to stand up against it and deal with it. Because if you\u2019re not prepared to stand up to that, your marriage will get eaten up in a heartbeat.<\/p>\n

\u201cI understand why God said, \u2018It\u2019s not good for man to be alone.\u2019 Certainly if we lived in paradise, we wouldn\u2019t have to worry about single-chamber hearts and houses burning down, but the reality is we were meant to be together with somebody else. He never promised it was going to be easy \u2026 Be prepared for the hard stuff. If you can manage it, you\u2019ll be fine.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

Copyright \u00a9 2018 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n

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