{"id":9298,"date":"2014-08-25T09:23:00","date_gmt":"2014-08-25T14:23:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=9298"},"modified":"2014-08-25T09:23:00","modified_gmt":"2014-08-25T14:23:00","slug":"the-lost-decade","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/real-stories\/marriage-real-stories\/resurrected-marriages\/the-lost-decade\/","title":{"rendered":"The Lost Decade"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

It had been 10 long, lonely years since Mike and Pam Calvert divorced.\u00a0 Mike lived by himself, and his children didn\u2019t want anything to do with him.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t seen his 22-year-old daughter, Mandy, in several years.<\/p>\n

When he looked into the mirror of his life, questions haunted him: Why had he overlooked the guilt he had felt, hoping that in time it would pass? What if he had listened to Pam\u2019s pleas \u2026 where would he be today?<\/p>\n

He was tired and yearned for a new start in life. That\u2019s why he was making plans to finally leave Indiana, where Pam and the kids lived, and relocate to Colorado. And that\u2019s when he received a phone call that changed his life and legacy.<\/p>\n

“Dad, this is Mandy.\u00a0 I need to talk to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

She was crying and Mike asked if she was OK. She was.<\/p>\n

His thoughts then went to his ex-wife and their now 15-year-old son.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs Mom OK?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMark?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. I just need to talk to you, Dad. Can I come talk to you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course you can,\u201d Mike said, and then hung up the receiver. The phone immediately rang again.<\/p>\n

\u201cDad, where do you live?\u201d Mandy had never been to her father\u2019s house.<\/p>\n

Mandy was married now and had two young daughters. Mike had missed so much over the past 10 years\u2014birthday parties, and holidays, and Mandy\u2019s high school graduation.\u00a0 He certainly wasn\u2019t invited to her wedding. And he had never even seen his own granddaughters.<\/p>\n

For years Mandy had been bothered by what had happened between her mom and dad. She often talked with her husband about it. His advice? \u201cTalk to your dad.\u201d<\/p>\n

And when Mandy arrived at her father\u2019s home and saw him face to face after so many years, she was overcome with emotion. She and Mike talked about a lot of things before she finally brought up the reason for her visit: \u201cDad, is there ever a chance that you could put our family back together?\u201d<\/p>\n

“Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise.” Ephesians 5:15<\/strong><\/h5>\n

Childhood sweethearts, both Mike and Pam describe the first 13 years of their marriage and family as a dream come true. \u00a0They lived with their children in a two-story farmhouse that had a red-shingled roof and a front porch full of baskets brimming with flowers. Their 10 acres were surrounded by woods, cornfields, and rolling pastures. There was a little pond at the back of the property, and the fence line was blanketed with sweet-smelling honeysuckle.<\/p>\n

After working all day in the construction industry, Mike cherished coming home to his retreat.\u00a0 \u201cI could come home and be there with my family \u2026 and just enjoy life as it should be.\u201d<\/p>\n

Pam, too, loved the farm. Nothing felt better than to dig her fingers into the moist soil, planting tomatoes, peppers, and corn. And when Mike got home from work, there was always a hot meal on the table. It was often meatloaf and mashed potatoes\u2014his favorite.<\/p>\n

At the end of a typical workday, Pam could hear the crunch of gravel under the tires of Mike\u2019s truck coming down their rural driveway. She\u2019d watch for him from their bay window and would meet him on the back porch, usually with a warm hug or kiss.<\/p>\n

Things began to change after Pam and Mike became friends with a couple from church who were having some problems in their marriage.\u00a0 The woman\u2019s husband seldom attended church or did things socially with his wife. \u201cShe was always pairing off with Mike and me to do things,\u201d Pam says.<\/p>\n

At first this was fine with Pam. She and the woman enjoyed shopping together and they were good friends. Mike and the woman\u2019s husband were also friends; they often went canoeing and fishing together.<\/p>\n

Sometimes the phone would ring late at night. \u201cI thought it was her husband,\u201d Pam says, \u201cbut later on realized it was her.\u201d And then Pam discovered that Mike and the woman had been out to a restaurant together\u2014just the two of them\u2014to talk about the woman\u2019s marriage problems.<\/p>\n

\u201cI tried to talk with Mike about it,\u201d Pam says. \u201cIt would always end up in an argument.\u201d She told him that his relationship with the woman wasn\u2019t right.\u00a0 \u201cI felt our closeness drifting apart and yet he was drawing closer to this friend.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mike\u2019s answer? \u201cYou are silly \u2026 jealous \u2026 You\u2019re the one I come home to, the one I bring my paycheck to. Everything is fine.\u201d<\/p>\n

After Pam confronted Mike he became cold and distant. He often sat in the swivel chair in the living room, facing the wall in silence. And then he began to be late for dinner, never explaining where he had been.<\/p>\n

Pam\u2019s heart was broken. She thought she was losing her husband to another woman. \u201cI couldn\u2019t seem to break through to him to let him know what he was doing to our family,\u201d Pam says. When she tried to address it, Mike claimed that it was Pam\u2019s problem, not his.<\/p>\n

In a few short months, Pam\u2019s once-loving husband transformed into an uncaring, insensitive, unaffectionate person. \u00a0And the woman Mike once called his sweet-tempered wife seemed to him to be judgmental, jealous, and possessive. \u00a0He always felt he was \u201cin the right\u201d because there was no sexual involvement.<\/p>\n

\u201cPrecious treasure and oil are in a wise man’s dwelling, but a foolish man devours it.\u201d Proverbs 21:20<\/strong><\/h5>\n

Mike kept brushing off Pam\u2019s accusations\u2014until the day he came home and all his possessions were sitting on the back porch. Pam had stacked his hunting equipment, fishing rods, boots, guitar, and banjo there along with black trash bags stuffed with his clothes. And when he went to unlock the back door, he discovered that the locks had been changed.<\/p>\n

Shocked and angry, Mike called out for his wife, but she refused to come to the door. She told him to leave.<\/p>\n

Pam hoped that Mike would wake up to what he was doing to their marriage.\u00a0 And Mike didn\u2019t want to lose his family.\u00a0 But he believed Pam wouldn\u2019t want him back in the house, so he left for good.\u00a0 Eventually he rented a trailer to live in.<\/p>\n

Hurt that Mike did not fight more for their marriage, Pam feared she had done the wrong thing.\u00a0 \u201cYet I knew I couldn’t go back because I couldn’t live the life that I had been living.\u201d<\/p>\n

From there Mike and Pam followed the typical path: legal separation, then divorce proceedings.\u00a0 After about a year, their marriage was legally dead.<\/p>\n

And the beloved farm? It was sold as part of the divorce decree.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou shall carry much seed into the field and shall gather in little, for the locust shall consume it.\u201d Deuteronomy 28:38<\/strong><\/h5>\n

A couple of months after the divorce, Mike finally realized the cost of his \u201cfriendship\u201d with the woman from church. I<\/em> have really messed up, <\/em>he thought, but I don\u2019t know how to fix this. <\/em>The reality of life without Pam and the kids had sunk in, though, so he swallowed his pride and made a decision to talk with Pam about reconciling their marriage. On his way to her house, he stopped by his office to do some paperwork.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was surprised to hear the news,\u201d the secretary told him when he arrived.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat news?\u201d Mike replied.<\/p>\n

\u201cPam is getting married this weekend.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mike was crushed. \u201cI realized that it was over,\u201d Mike says. \u201cThere was no sense in me going there [to Pam\u2019s house] if she had made that decision.\u201d<\/p>\n

Pam did remarry, then got a degree in business management, and eventually opened a bakery. Mike continued working at the construction company, but longer hours.\u00a0 He had new child-support payments to make in addition to paying rent on the trailer.<\/p>\n

Mandy and Mark blamed their father for the family\u2019s breakup. \u201cMost of the time when I would go to visit \u2026 the children would leave the living room, go to their bedroom and shut the door and I would sit in the living room for the half hour by myself.\u201d<\/p>\n

And his relationship with the woman at church never amounted to anything permanent. After she and her husband divorced, Mike saw her for several years but they eventually drifted apart.<\/p>\n

When Mike decided to leave Indiana and move to Colorado, he realized he wanted to see some of his old friends before he left. So he visited the little country church that he and Pam had attended when they were first married. \u201cI found myself at the altar praying and pouring my heart out to God,\u201d Mike says.\u00a0 \u201c… I wanted to feel that communication [with God], that closeness that I felt years and years ago back when Pam and I got married.\u201d<\/p>\n

After almost a decade, Mike finally confessed to God that his relationship with the woman at church had been wrong. He asked God for forgiveness. At last, he felt at peace.<\/p>\n

Then, two short weeks later, Mandy called.<\/p>\n

\u201cUnless the <\/strong>Lord<\/strong> builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Psalm 127:1<\/strong><\/h5>\n

Mike told his daughter that he wished he could put their family back together, but it was impossible\u2014Pam was remarried.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t have a clue what\u2019s going on, do you?\u201d asked Mandy. Pam was getting a divorce.<\/p>\n

A few months later, Pam\u2019s divorce was finalized and she and Mike got together. As he pulled into his ex-wife\u2019s driveway, Mike heard a radio announcement for FamilyLife\u2019s Weekend to Remember\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway<\/a>. It said that broken homes and broken marriages can be put back together again.<\/p>\n

As Mike and Pam talked that day, he asked if there was still hope for them.\u00a0 She answered, \u201cI don’t know if I want to put the marriage back together. And if I did, where would we start?\u201d<\/p>\n

With tears in his eyes, Mike told Pam that he was a different man. \u201cApologies were pouring out of me.\u201d Pam could tell that Mike had changed and that he was serious about pursuing her again. And he said he\u2019d heard about a conference that might help them.<\/p>\n

So instead of moving to Colorado, Mike went with Pam to a Weekend to Remember getaway. They attended as a divorced couple and drove back to their separate homes each evening.<\/p>\n

During the weekend Mike recognized his lack of communication skills. \u00a0\u201cI needed to talk more with Pam and tell her my frustrations and feelings.\u201d He realized that often Pam had simply not understood him because he had not shared his soul with her.<\/p>\n

Pam realized that Mike not only needed her to listen to him, but also to laugh at his jokes and to follow his leadership. \u201cA lot of times when he wanted to do things,\u201d she says, \u201cI’d say, \u2018That’s not my personality, I can’t do that.\u2019\u201d But at the Weekend to Remember she learned that she needed to support her husband.<\/p>\n

Pam and Mike courted for about four months after the Weekend to Remember. And then they reunited what never should have been broken apart: their marriage.<\/p>\n

\u201cI will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten.\u201d Joel 2:25<\/strong><\/h5>\n

Pam and Mike were married for 14 years before they lost a decade of life together. They just celebrated another 11 years of marriage.<\/p>\n

Mandy is grateful that God healed her parents\u2019 shattered relationship.\u00a0 She describes their marriage as \u201cdefinitely healthy\u201d today.\u00a0 Yet, despite her gratitude for all that God has done, there is still deep pain when she talks about the lost decade. \u201cI don’t want that [divorce] for my kids or for myself \u2026\u201d she says.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t wish that on anyone.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mike wishes he had come clean years ago and admitted that he was having an emotional affair with the woman at church.\u00a0 Perhaps he and Pam would have never divorced.<\/p>\n

And what would have happened if Pam had not rushed into a second marriage? She admits today that she was probably trying to show Mike that she could have a relationship, too. But instead of their days being filled with \u201cwhat ifs,\u201d Mike and Pam are now helping others learn from their mistakes.<\/p>\n

Today Mike and Pam encourage others not to give up on their marriages. They often share their testimony in churches and their message is always the same: hope. \u201cWe’ve had couples tell us, \u2018You don’t realize we’ve been separated for a year.\u201d Or, \u2018We’ve been divorced for two years \u2026 three years.\u00a0 There’s no hope for us.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

Mike always smiles and says, “Well, let me tell you about a couple I know \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

Copyright \u00a9 2012 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/i><\/p>\n

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