{"id":9263,"date":"2015-07-01T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2015-07-01T06:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=9263"},"modified":"2015-07-01T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"2015-07-01T06:00:00","slug":"second-half-stepfamilies","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/blended-family\/stepparents\/developing-a-relationship-with-stepchildren\/second-half-stepfamilies\/","title":{"rendered":"Second-Half Stepfamilies"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

Most people are very surprised to learn that adult stepfamilies (those that are formed in the second-half of life and include adult stepchildren) have just as many transitions as stepfamilies with younger children.  Some of the transitional issues are different, but many are the same.<\/p>\n

Lorain wrote asking how she might strengthen her relationship with her 19, 24, and 26 year-old stepchildren.  \u201cI was 49 when I married for the first time; my husband was 55.  His first wife died a couple years before we met.  My husband kept his children up to date about our relationship and things were pretty civil until we married.  His oldest daughter cried loudly through the entire wedding ceremony.  A few months later one of the children asked how my husband\u2019s will was structured, implying that I shouldn\u2019t get anything.  From there things have continued to go downhill at a rapid pace.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lorain\u2019s experience is not uncommon, nor is her idealistic assumption that the adult children in adult stepfamilies will not be impacted by the dynamics of loss and loyalty.  Thankfully, adult children and stepparents do not have the same power battles that younger stepfamilies experience. That\u2019s because the stepparent is not trying to get the children to pick up their socks or choose better friends.<\/p>\n

But adult stepchildren and older stepparents still have many emotional issues to work through. They often feel threatened by each other and struggle with how the new marriage will impact familiar family relationships.  Finding peace takes effort on both sides.<\/p>\n

The new couple<\/h2>\n

When Daniel\u2019s 35-year-old son told him that he \u201cjust wanted him to be happy\u201d the widower assumed his son was giving him permission to remarry.  He wasn\u2019t.  What the son meant was, \u201cI would hope that mom\u2019s memory will keep you happy enough.\u201d  Daniel assumed he had his son\u2019s blessing and got married.  His son\u2019s withdrawal from contact alerted him to the problem at hand.
\n

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>
\nAs an older parent and stepparent, you must realize that adult stepchildren\u2014despite their age\u2014frequently feel:<\/p>\n
    \n
  • Fearful of being abandoned or isolated from their only remaining parent. Unfortunately, they have already tasted grief in a very real way; your marriage may renew or intensify this sadness.<\/li>\n
  • Loyal to their original family.  Maintaining a strong family identity is important for adult children. Accepting a stepparent means the established family ties and special family holidays and celebrations must stretch to make room for newcomers. This isn’t easy and frankly it hurts. Please don’t take this personally\u2014it\u2019s not really about you. It’s about home no longer feeling like home.<\/li>\n
  • Disloyal toward the divorced or deceased parent and guilty about letting the stepparent in.<\/li>\n
  • Jealous and replaced by their parent\u2019s new partner.  They may have been the “apple of their parent’s eye” but now the stepparent holds the key to the parent\u2019s heart (and time and energy).<\/li>\n
  • Concerned about the family finances. Money issues are common and must be addressed. Adult stepchildren have a right to know how their family inheritance is going to be managed (this is not \u201cgreed\u201d) and you should be proactive in addressing these matters with the children so their fears can be put to rest.<\/li>\n
  • Resentful that their children (the grandchildren) may not receive as much time and energy from their parent as anticipated. If one parent of an adult child has died, it\u2019s common for the adult child to invest heavily in wanting their children to spend time with the remaining grandparent. Your marriage threatens this and creates another loss for everyone.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    As a new couple you must apply patience and understanding to these strong emotions. Do not be offended by them. When confronted with difficult responses from adult children, assume a humble position and listen to their fears and concerns. Accept them where they are and try to be responsive to their needs for information (especially about financial matters), emotional contact, and time as they adjust to yet another family transition they didn\u2019t seek out.<\/p>\n

    Adult stepchildren<\/h2>\n

    It is important to begin by acknowledging your own strong emotions about your parent\u2019s remarriage. The feelings mentioned above are very common; if you don\u2019t take ownership and responsibility of them, they may lead you into withdrawal, criticism, or hurtful behavior.<\/p>\n

    Without question, a parent\u2019s remarriage ripples through the generations of your family. It may take a great deal of time for you to open your heart to a stepparent and their extended family. Don\u2019t feel compelled to feel love for them, but strive to act in loving ways. Resist the urge to withdraw in anger or judgment.<\/p>\n

    Finally, be sure to acknowledge that your parent has legitimate needs and desires that include pursuing a dating or marriage partner. Doing so does not diminish the importance of your other parent, your family history, or their relationship with you.  <\/strong><\/p>\n

    I strongly encourage both adult stepchildren and the new couple to educate themselves about stepfamily living. There is a labyrinth of emotional and practical transitions to work through and it takes understanding and effort by both generations. But it can be done. That\u2019s the beautiful thing about love\u2014there\u2019s always room for one more!<\/p>\n

    \n

    Copyright \u00a9 2009 by Ron Deal.  All rights reserved. Used by permission.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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