{"id":9254,"date":"2012-03-26T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2012-03-26T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=9254"},"modified":"2012-03-26T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"2012-03-26T00:00:00","slug":"becoming-small","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/parenting\/ages-and-stages\/adult-children\/becoming-small\/","title":{"rendered":"Becoming Small"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

My good friend, Jane Ann Smith, who also has six children and is about 10 years ahead of me in life\u2019s journey, has given me lots of good advice over the years. Now in our empty nest years, I continue to learn from her.<\/p>\n

When Susan Yates and I were writing our empty nest book<\/a>, I e-mailed Jane for her thoughts on what she was learning in the empty nest. Her response was well thought out and, as always, very wise.<\/p>\n

She wrote:<\/p>\n

I had just survived a big conflict with one of my children and a friend told me that I needed to learn to become smaller in my family. I had become big in my family because my doctor husband had been gone a lot and my six children needed me. I had become a controller without even knowing when it happened. <\/em><\/p>\n

Almost 45 years later, with all the children grown, I was still way too big in their lives. They still expected me to treat the wounds and fix broken things, and when I couldn\u2019t, some of them resented it and me. And I couldn\u2019t imagine not being a part of their lives.<\/em><\/p>\n

As I prayed about how to do this “becoming smaller,” God showed me that I didn\u2019t need to talk so much. This may sound simple, but it wasn\u2019t for me. I had always thought it was my duty to express my ideas on whatever subject was on the table and have the last word. Wasn\u2019t I always the one who was older and had superior knowledge and experience?<\/em><\/p>\n

As I\u2019ve been practicing this I\u2019ve learned that I can walk away from a complicated conversation and hardly be missed. Because I wasn\u2019t a \u201cbig player,\u201d I wasn\u2019t crucial to the game and this felt good. I was establishing healthy emotional boundaries for myself rather than allowing myself to be drawn into the fray. Another thing I\u2019m learning is that as I become smaller, my husband is becoming bigger, as he should. For all the years I was in control, he had often given up trying and just let me be the most important person in the children\u2019s lives.<\/em><\/p>\n

I realized that I had desperately wanted my children to see all that I had done and was doing for them. I wanted them to somehow affirm that I had done a good job and how could they if I stopped? I have much left to learn but I believe I am setting a better example now to my children of how to bow out gracefully as one day they will have to allow their children to emerge when they become adults.<\/em><\/p>\n

These words from my friend were so good for me to hear when she sent them and they still are today. I so understand her desire for her kids to need her and to affirm her good work in their lives, and yet that is not something we can earn anymore.<\/p>\n

As Dennis and I watch our children struggle with sibling relationships as adults, have surprisingly different opinions on how they should raise their children, and try to manage their own families and extended families, we too are learning we must become small. We cannot fix their relational issues. We can give advice when asked, but not unless we are asked. They are adults and have to figure this out. It\u2019s hard to step back, but Jane Ann is right\u2014it\u2019s much healthier and, in the long run, much easier when we let go.<\/p>\n

\n

Copyright \u00a9 2011 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved. <\/em><\/p>\n

You\u2019ll have a relationship with your children throughout their lives, but the rules will change as they reach adulthood. Dennis and Barbara Rainey talk about<\/a> relating to your children once they leave the nest on <\/em>FamilyLife Today\u00ae.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There is beauty in learning to let go of your adult children.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":43,"featured_media":9255,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"none","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"There is beauty in learning to let go of your adult children.","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[2856],"tags":[],"equip-category":[],"cwp_profile":[3052],"class_list":["post-9254","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adult-children","cwp_profile-barbara-rainey"],"acf":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2018\/04\/becoming-small-1040x326-1.jpg","uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2018\/04\/becoming-small-1040x326-1.jpg",1024,321,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Dave Meritt","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/dave-merittcru-org\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"There is beauty in learning to let go of your adult children.","meta_box":{"_cloudsearch_visibility":"","profile_obj_manual_select":false,"profile_obj":false,"separator":false,"enable_link":false,"login_restricted":"","content_type":"","disclaimer_banner":"","currency":false,"pricing_subtext":false,"element_type":false,"date_field":false,"date_format":false,"theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":"","series":false,"ignore_sticky":false,"conditional_blocks_category":false,"cta_selection":false},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9254","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/43"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9254"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9254\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/9255"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9254"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9254"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9254"},{"taxonomy":"equip-category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/equip-category?post=9254"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=9254"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}