{"id":92418,"date":"2019-11-08T09:57:22","date_gmt":"2019-11-08T16:57:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=92418"},"modified":"2019-11-08T09:57:22","modified_gmt":"2019-11-08T16:57:22","slug":"a-letter-to-my-daughter-be-this-kind-of-strong-woman","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/parenting\/essentials\/raising-girls\/a-letter-to-my-daughter-be-this-kind-of-strong-woman\/","title":{"rendered":"A Letter to my Daughter: Be This Kind of Strong Woman"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

My dear daughter.<\/p>\n

I remember where I was standing when I thought it and the life circumstances that precipitated it.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d invested years I\u2019ll never regret into you and your brothers. But I realized because of that choice, the ability to maximize another dream had passed. I was belabored, discouraged.<\/p>\n

You were probably 10 at the time. You were beginning to spitball about future careers. As you\u2019ve grown in that beautiful mind and tough little heart, I\u2019ve tried not to appear overly awestruck.<\/p>\n

But that day, some wounded part of me wanted to limp in front of you, arms waving. Don\u2019t do it! Dream reasonably. And maybe even … dream smaller.<\/i><\/p>\n

I should tell you this was more about the death of my dream than it was about you. I get excited by your dreams\u2014even the weirdish or far-fetched (like the time you and your brother dreamed about starting a restaurant in Indonesia that also provided clean water).<\/p>\n

I\u2019d experienced the pain of reality rubbing up against our American ideals. No one tells you all your dreams can\u2019t fit into one life. Like an Olympic runner, you can\u2019t live the dream of bagging both the gold medal and <\/i>a bag of golden potato chips. Our desires conflict, no matter our gender.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re all choosing the best noes to get to the best yeses.<\/h2>\n

But dreams for a strong woman can involve an elaborate dance of work and home. These weren\u2019t always separate and opposing for women\u2014just like home and discipleship of kids wasn\u2019t always just a feminine thing<\/a> (that happened around the Industrial Revolution).<\/p>\n

Someday you may find yourself wrestling with whether it\u2019s really \u201cstrength\u201d to wipe everything<\/i> (from noses to kitchen counters) all day long (and through the night), or if a pair of power high heels are stronger. You may wonder if a strong woman follows or leads. You may wonder what to do with that dream to be a movie director or graphic designer\u2014and what God thinks about it. Or you might wonder if you\u2019d have to make the same decisions if you were a boy.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s where strength for us as women gets tricky. And it\u2019s different than we\u2019re told. In The Right Kind of Strong, <\/em>Mary Kassian writes,<\/p>\n

I was strong in all the ways the world admired.<\/em><\/p>\n

But … I began to suspect I wasn\u2019t nearly as strong as I made myself out to be. The more I read the Bible, the more it challenged my idea about what it meant to be truly strong \u2026 I was strong enough to demand my rights, yet not strong enough to relinquish them. I reluctantly concluded that what I extolled as strength was often little more than stubbornness, insolence, self-sufficiency, and prideful self-promotion.<\/em><\/p>\n

She talks about the \u201cbrash, sassy, self-serving, demanding kind of strong\u201d–and reminds us instead of the \u201chidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious\u201d (1 Peter 3:4).<\/p>\n

Christian standards for women have sometimes felt like they needed more teeth<\/a>, more sturdiness to compete with not only women\u2019s desires, but the biblical picture of womanhood\u2014women like Jael, Deborah, Esther, and the brave women at Jesus\u2019 tomb.<\/p>\n

Looking at you now, daughter, while looking back on all the choices I’ve made, here’s what I want you to know. From one strong woman to another.<\/p>\n

1. Don\u2019t let society fool you into thinking your ambitions are more important than your relationships.<\/h3>\n

I will tell this to your squirrely brothers, too, if they plan on careers that peel layers from the quality of their life\u2019s fabric. Because as 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 reminds all of us, no matter what we do or have, if we have not love, we are nothing. Or as Galatians 5:6 puts it, the only thing that counts is \u201cfaith working through love.\u201d<\/p>\n

And though love through work<\/i> is imperative, several scriptures exhort us to \u201cshepherd the flock of God that is among you\u201d (1 Peter 5:2; see also 1 Timothy 5:8, Isaiah 58:7). There may be many people who can do our jobs. But only one person can be your husband\u2019s wife (or your wife\u2019s husband), the parent of your children. The woman (or man) stellar at work but lousy as a friend won\u2019t just be dealing with others\u2019 dissatisfaction. She\u2019ll be encountering her own.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t let your life be shiny, yet hollow.<\/p>\n

2. And yet, your identity is higher than \u201cwife\u201d or \u201cmom.\u201d<\/h3>\n

During that time when my dreams and my love for you guys were in a tug of war, someone pointed out Luke 11:27-28: “As [Jesus] said these things, a woman in the crowd raised her voice and said to him, ‘Blessed is the womb that bore you, and the breasts at which you nursed!’ But he said, ‘Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and keep it!'”<\/p>\n

This was clearly a culture where women derived their value from the men and kids in their lives whom they nurtured. But note Jesus\u2019 response: More valuable than being the mother of Jesus\u2014than whoever you raise\u2013is to hear God and obey Him. <\/i><\/p>\n

I still concur with the words of Andy Stanley: \u201cYour greatest contribution to the kingdom of God may not be something you do but someone you raise.\u201d<\/p>\n

But someday you may not get married or be able to have kids. Neither will mean you can\u2019t fulfill God\u2019s highest calling for a strong woman. Because it\u2019s not wife <\/i>or mom<\/i>, but follower of Jesus.<\/i> That calling might take either of us through the laundry room or the school room or the board room (or like me, all three).<\/p>\n

To paraphrase John Piper<\/a>\u2014love your family more by loving them less (than God).<\/p>\n

Receive more encouraging content like this delivered to your inbox!<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n

3. Position \u2260 strength.<\/h3>\n

Jesus was the most powerful man on the planet. But isn\u2019t it interesting that He didn\u2019t live like it?<\/p>\n

He was essentially homeless. He didn\u2019t pander to the favor of the religious gatekeepers even though He wanted to influence the religious. Jesus could have kept Himself from capital punishment, yet didn\u2019t. He didn\u2019t cower in the face of abuse or injustice, yet didn\u2019t sling insults in the face of it.<\/p>\n

He reminds me there is true might that lies in poverty of spirit, submission, meekness, purity (rather than the crassness from a \u201cstrong woman\u201d in a Twitter feed). In serving to the point of death.<\/p>\n

He described Himself as a person under authority; \u201cthe Son can do nothing of his own accord, but only what he sees the Father doing\u201d (John 5:19). Contrary to American thought, you don\u2019t have to be the top dog or the leader to be doing exactly what you were made to do.<\/p>\n

The word God uses to describe Eve\u2014that suspicious \u201chelper\u201d word (ezer<\/i>)\u2014everywhere else in the Old Testament describes a military ally or God Himself.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not a small, diminutive word. It\u2019s a foxhole word\u2014a word of shielding and protecting, not Instapots and spray mops.<\/p>\n

But remember: Jesus washed feet. Having a mean Instapot game is nothing to be ashamed of.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s not be \u201cabove\u201d anything, because He wasn\u2019t. Being pro-women doesn\u2019t mean you have to be anti-man, anti-baby, anti-homemaking, etc.<\/p>\n

In all honesty, I don\u2019t believe God gave half of the population desires just so they could have the chutzpah to not do them. <\/i>Or that it\u2019s men\u2019s desires that really matter, and it\u2019s the job of a strong woman of character to set hers aside to help him pursue his. God says the greatest among us is the servant (Matthew 23:11).<\/p>\n

If, as men or women, we don\u2019t see ourselves as people under authority, we\u2019re choosing weakness, stubbornness that doesn\u2019t admit our need for others or their guidance\u2014even when that leadership is flawed (check out 1 Peter 2:18-23). Strength for both genders looks like service and following Jesus. <\/i><\/p>\n

4. Be a little uglier.<\/h3>\n

So one more thought, between us girls. Reading a women\u2019s magazine recently, I discovered I need not only a beautiful face and a neck that does not resemble a wattle; I also need beautiful hands.<\/p>\n

I need to apply special anti-wrinkle and anti-spot treatments to my hands, I am told. Because my hands should agelessly resist the natural effects of the sun and gravity and life. They should not look my age.<\/p>\n

So here\u2019s the thing: You and me\u2014let\u2019s be okay with ugly hands.<\/p>\n

Not just because you said no to a bunch of not-so-essential beauty products (and maybe rolled your eyes. Atta girl). I want you to have hands that serve people all your life.<\/p>\n

Have the kind of hands that need to be sanitized because changing diapers isn\u2019t beyond you. Let them need a little lotion because you\u2019ve washed dishes in a place where you can\u2019t easily get a dishwasher, or because you made a meal for someone who could use a pick-me-up.<\/p>\n

Sure, have fun painting those nails. But every once in awhile, let the cuticles get a little rough because you took the time to listen to a friend instead, or read a kid a book, or pushed him on a swing even if you forgot sunscreen. Or you planted something and felt the dirt. Maybe chlorine dried them out because you got in the pool with a child, caring more about shaping memories than the lines of your bathing suit.<\/p>\n

Grow a callus from writing notes to encourage or thank someone. Let those fingers clench every once in awhile because someone else without a voice isn\u2019t getting justice.<\/p>\n

And you know what? Use those hands to wave over a few friends. Explore what breathtaking, powerful women\u2014intent upon a higher calling than self\u2014really look like. Because together, God made us girls on purpose.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s be this kind of beautiful. This kind of strong.<\/p>\n

\n

Copyright \u00a9 2019 Janel Breitenstein. All rights reserved.<\/i><\/p>\n

Janel Breitenstein is an author, freelance writer, speaker and frequent contributor for FamilyLife, including Passport2Identity\u00ae, Art of Parenting\u00ae, and regular articles. After five and a half years in East Africa, her family of six has returned to Colorado, where they continue to work on behalf of the poor with Engineering Ministries International. Her book, on spiritual life skills for messy families (Zondervan), releases March 2021. You can find her\u2014\u201cThe Awkward Mom\u201d\u2014having uncomfortable, important conversations at JanelBreitenstein.com<\/a>, and on Instagram @janelbreit.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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