{"id":9197,"date":"2017-12-06T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2017-12-06T06:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=9197"},"modified":"2025-02-12T14:18:33","modified_gmt":"2025-02-12T19:18:33","slug":"11-best-practices-for-dating-as-a-single-parent","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/parenting\/parenting-challenges\/single-parenting\/11-best-practices-for-dating-as-a-single-parent\/","title":{"rendered":"11 Best Practices for Dating as a Single Parent"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Sometimes kids say it best. When asked what she wishes her mom would do differently while dating, Rachel, a smart young graduate student, replied, \u201cI wish she would recognize her own impulsivity and emotional rollercoaster. She does and says things without recognizing that to some extent our whole family is dating this guy. This year I came home four times from college and he was in town every single time. After I went back to campus each time Mom said, \u2018I never get to see you!\u2019 Yes, well, that\u2019s because you were with your boy.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dating for two is difficult; dating in a crowd is downright complicated. The kids are engaged, at least on some level, even when you don\u2019t think they are. And everyone has strong emotions and opinions about who is involved and what the outcome might be. In other words, the whole family is dating. Table for 20!<\/em><\/p>\n

Here are a number of dating \u201cbest practices\u201d for single parents:<\/p>\n

1. Realize that you\u2019re not just forming a relationship; you\u2019re creating a family. <\/strong>When kids predate dating, the couple\u2019s relationship inherently creates competing attachments. The choice to be with the dating partner or children generally means the other is left waiting \u2026 and wondering how their relationship with you is being influenced by your relationship with the other.<\/p>\n

In addition, children commonly feel some insecurity by mom or dad\u2019s relationship with another person. Wise singles recognize this important dynamic and don\u2019t assume that becoming a couple necessarily means that they can become a family. They attend to both and take time assessing how the potential stepfamily relationships are developing.<\/p>\n

2. Avoid a quick turn-around. <\/strong>Parents who begin dating quickly after the end of a relationship (whether by death or divorce) or who reach a quick decision to marry after a brief dating period often find their children more resistant to the marriage. This sabotages the ability of a stepparent and stepchild to get off on the right foot with one another and puts the family at risk.<\/p>\n

3. Healthy dating begins with self-examination. <\/strong>Smart singles take a good long look in the mirror before dating. They examine their motivations for dating, fears (e.g., their children not having a father), loneliness, and unresolved hurt (e.g., after divorce). How do you know when you\u2019re ready to date? When you don\u2019t need to.<\/p>\n

4. Engage in \u201cWhat if?\u201d conversations. <\/strong>Even before dating, single parents begin a series of conversations with their children that ask, \u201cWhat if I began dating? How would you feel?\u201d Periodically, they engage the conversation again and again: \u201cWhat if Sara and I began dating regularly?\u201d \u201cWhat if John\u2019s kids came over every Friday through the summer?\u201d \u201cWhat if she and I were to get engaged?\u201d<\/p>\n

Each dialogue is both assessment (How are my kids feeling about these possibilities and realities?) and intervention as it prepares them for what might happen. Smart single parents don\u2019t let their children\u2019s emotions dictate their dating progress, but they do listen and give serious consideration to how the children are feeling (becoming a couple is up to you; whether you become a family is up to them). Engage in these conversations throughout your dating experience, especially in anticipation of each stage of a developing relationship.<\/p>\n

5. Offer soft invitations to older children.  <\/strong>Teens and adult children need to move toward your dating partner at their own pace. If you make it your agenda to get them to accept your partner and relationship, you may be shooting yourself in the foot.<\/p>\n

Instead, make opportunities for them to get to know each other, but don\u2019t force it. Soft invitations such as, \u201cRoger will be having dinner with me on Saturday. You are welcome to join us if you\u2019d like.\u201d Show respect and allow relationships to develop at their own pace.<\/p>\n

6. Acknowledge and label child fears. <\/strong>Children of all ages, young to old, benefit when a parent says, \u201cI can see that the idea of my dating scares you. You are missing Mom\/our family\/etc. and probably don\u2019t want any more changes to our family. I get it. I appreciate your being honest with me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Use phrases like \u201cthis scares you,\u201d \u201cyou\u2019re afraid that our family won\u2019t be the same,\u201d or \u201cyou don\u2019t want to have to change schools or leave your friends.\u201d This type of response validates the child\u2019s fears. It also shows them their feelings are important to you, keeps the communication door open, and helps children put labels on their own emotions (which is very important for young children especially).<\/p>\n

7. Pace and balance your dating. <\/strong>If you fall in love don\u2019t abandon your kids by spending all of your free time with your newfound love. It\u2019s tempting, but doing so taps your child\u2019s fears that they are losing you and gives the false impression to your dating partner that you are totally available to them. You\u2019re not. Don\u2019t lose your balance.<\/p>\n

8. Arrange the \u201cmeeting the kids\u201d time with care.  <\/strong>Early on your kids may meet your date, but the first few dates should primarily be about the two of you. At first reference your date as \u201ca friend\u201d or if your kids are prepared, call them your \u201cdate.\u201d Casual introductions are fine when you start dating someone, but don\u2019t proactively put your kids and the person together until you are pretty sure there are real possibilities for the relationship. This is especially true for children under the age of five, who can bond to someone you are dating more quickly than you can.<\/p>\n

As your interest in the person grows, gradually become more intentional about finding time for your significant other and your kids to get together. Tread lightly at first and continue to monitor and process everyone\u2019s fears or concerns. If the other person has children as well, it might be wise to orchestrate early get-togethers with just one set of children.<\/p>\n

You might, for example, engage in an activity with your friend and their children one weekend and then have your friend join you and your kids the next. Navigating multiple new relationships can be overwhelming. Breaking the two families into parts can be helpful initially. Eventually, though, assuming your dating relationship continues to deepen, you\u2019ll want to get everyone together for a shared activity.<\/p>\n

9. Expect hot\/cold reactions. <\/strong>Liking a parent\u2019s dating partner sometimes creates a loyalty problem for kids: They don\u2019t know how to embrace everyone and not hurt feelings (especially the other biological parent). Because they are caught in a loyalty conflict, children sometimes warm up nicely to the person you are dating and then turn cold. Sometimes they vacillate back and forth. Don\u2019t panic or judge the children too harshly. Confusion comes with the territory. Relax and work with what they give you.<\/p>\n

10. Articulate your silhouette. <\/strong>Since you can\u2019t judge lasting love by physical accoutrements or initial biochemical attractions, you need an objective measure of the qualities, attributes, and character of the person you are looking for. But you also need\u2014and here\u2019s where single parents fall short\u2014a silhouette of the type of family you are hoping to create. If the person you are dating isn\u2019t good parent material (with your kids or theirs), for example, you ought to move on. Yes, not liking the fit between the person you are dating and your kids is a deal breaker, even if you love him or her as a partner.<\/p>\n

11. Learn all you can about stepfamily living. <\/strong>Nearly 20 years of counseling, coaching, and training blended families has revealed to me this secret of successful blended family couples: They work harder at getting smarter about stepfamily living.<\/p>\n

Getting smarter means learning all you can about how stepfamilies function, operate best, and why they have the unique complexities that they do. You may know how to drive a car, but driving in snow and icy conditions requires a different knowledge and skill set. Nearly all blended families have inclement weather to manage as they drive (especially in the first few years), so adopt the attitude of a learner.<\/p>\n

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Copyright \u00a9 2017 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n.dear-reader {display:none;}
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Dating for two is difficult; dating in a crowd is downright complicated.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":43,"featured_media":151176,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"none","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"Dating for two is difficult; dating in a crowd is downright complicated. Here are some tips for dating as a single parent.","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[2880],"tags":[],"equip-category":[2741,2739,2744,2752],"cwp_profile":[3300],"class_list":["post-9197","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-single-parenting","equip-category-blended-care","equip-category-care-well","equip-category-marriage-premarried","equip-category-singleness","cwp_profile-ron-deal"],"acf":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2017\/12\/11-best-practices-for-dating-as-a-single-parent_1040x326.jpg","uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2017\/12\/11-best-practices-for-dating-as-a-single-parent_1040x326.jpg",1024,321,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Dave Meritt","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/dave-merittcru-org\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Dating for two is difficult; dating in a crowd is downright complicated.","meta_box":{"_cloudsearch_visibility":"0","profile_obj_manual_select":false,"profile_obj":false,"separator":false,"enable_link":false,"login_restricted":"0","content_type":"blog-post","disclaimer_banner":"unset","currency":false,"pricing_subtext":false,"element_type":false,"date_field":false,"date_format":false,"theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0","series":false,"ignore_sticky":false,"conditional_blocks_category":false,"cta_selection":false},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9197","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/43"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9197"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9197\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":312514,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9197\/revisions\/312514"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/151176"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9197"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9197"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9197"},{"taxonomy":"equip-category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/equip-category?post=9197"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=9197"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}