{"id":91467,"date":"2019-10-18T11:50:45","date_gmt":"2019-10-18T17:50:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=91467"},"modified":"2019-10-18T11:50:45","modified_gmt":"2019-10-18T17:50:45","slug":"casual-sex-whats-in-it-for-her","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/life-issues\/challenges\/cultural-issues\/casual-sex-whats-in-it-for-her\/","title":{"rendered":"Casual Sex: What&#8217;s in it for Her?"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"bsf_rt_marker\" fetchpriority=\"high\"><\/div>\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It was her first time. We were high school freshmen. And he\u2019d taken what he wanted from my friend in the backseat of a car. Probably not unlike the rest of the girls he&#8217;d had casual sex with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I don\u2019t remember how long it was before he broke up with her. But he took her heart with him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I remember feeling a little stricken there at 13. There\u2019s something in all of us that hurts for that girl who decides she\u2019s cool with her first time being in a Chevy with the school gigolo. Yet now, as the parent of a daughter one year away from that age, I wonder who was looking out for my friend.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Was there anyone to tell her she was worth more than the casual sex he took from her?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A friend recently told me she met a guy on Tinder. And I had questions all over again. What keeps the casual-sex culture from fizzling out? I\u2019ve been even more curious thanks to <a href=\"https:\/\/thefederalist.com\/2019\/05\/09\/ladies-stop-trying-to-have-sex-like-men\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Suzanne Venker\u2019s article from The Federalist (\u201cLadies, Stop Trying to Have Sex Like Men\u201d<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">What\u2019s in it for the girls, if 83% of females prefer a traditional relationship to a noncommittal, sexual one? How does it work to pursue extreme intimacy in one sense, and yet stay emotionally distant?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-an-engine-of-female-progress\">\u201cAn Engine of Female Progress\u201d<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So I\u2019ve dug in a bit to the \u201cwhys\u201d propelling the hookup culture. Were noncommittal guys somehow looping women into frequent casual sex?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Apparently not. Several authors indicate that <i>women<\/i> largely propagate the hookup culture. One article in The Atlantic insists the hookup culture, \u201can engine of female progress,\u201d is a byproduct of feminism:&nbsp;<i>The hookup culture is too bound up with everything that\u2019s fabulous about being a young woman \u2026 the freedom, the confidence, the knowledge that you can always depend on yourself.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In the article, women articulate the values of \u201csexual adventure\u201d and independence, as well as liberty from shame and the constraints of relationships and emotion, not to mention traditional virtues.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But ultimately, according to the author, a one-night stand doesn\u2019t impede a woman\u2019s future success.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-afraid-to-feel\">Afraid to Feel<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So it follows that the paradigm of casual sex would involve minimal emotional connection. In the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.seattletimes.com\/life\/lifestyle\/how-hookup-culture-makes-college-students-afraid-to-feel\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Seattle Times\u2019 article<\/a>, \u201cHow Hookup Culture Makes College Students Afraid to Feel<i>,<\/i>\u201d one professor\u2019s research reported the characteristics of a successful hookup:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">As much sexual attraction as possible \u2014 and very little eye contact. The participants should limit the casual sex to a few encounters.&nbsp; Stir up no romantic or emotional connection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And they should expect a vague and brief depression to follow their encounter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cTenderness is seen as weakness, and students don\u2019t want to be weak,\u201d the professor explains.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It\u2019s here a few pieces of the puzzle start to come together. The beauty of the hookup culture, for its participants, is that they don\u2019t depend on anyone else &#8230; because commitment and dependence has all the usual trappings: someone who might get in the way of your success, your dreams.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Someone who could hurt you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In that sense, participants (90% of whom report they would like to be married someday), find the hookup culture to be self-protective.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">They see attachment, too early in life, as something to fear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-when-women-want-casual-sex\">When Women Want Casual Sex<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There\u2019s a stranger in my bed\/ There\u2019s a pounding in my head\/ &#8230;Is this a hickey or a bruise?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u2014Katy Perry, \u201cLast Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There\u2019s a certain method to the madness as we consider the ways women have been emotionally wounded in the sexual revolution. During the tidal wave of #MeToo, women disclosed how the ways in which the revolution blurred boundaries and did away with traditional moral standards\u2014rather than delivering on the promise of freedom\u2014had actually victimized them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I\u2019ve heard heartbreaking stories about women approaching campus health centers for birth control only to return a few months later for antidepressants. I\u2019ve read girls\u2019 comments along the lines of \u201cI have sex to get him to like\/love\/commit to me\u201d (sex has become the introduction, rather than a consummation). I\u2019ve heard of their contests to see who could get laid the most, for prizes as exhilarating as a toaster. And I know of young women\u2019s betrayal like the high-school valedictorian Olivia (mentioned in the article from Suzanne Venker): \u201cWhy do they tell you how to protect your body from herpes and pregnancy, but they don\u2019t tell you what [sex] does to your heart?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-denying-the-heart\">Denying the heart<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Something here sinks in my gut like a stone. Have women traded the denial of their dreams for the denial of their hearts? Does casual sex still mean they truly \u201cwin\u201d? Or have we traded one pathology for another?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If,<a href=\"http:\/\/healthland.time.com\/2013\/11\/11\/no-satisfaction-woman-are-less-likely-to-orgasm-during-casual-sex\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"> according to Time magazine, women are less likely to climax in casual sex<\/a>\u2014what motivates women toward sex outside of the physical pleasure? Many women just long for an intimate exchange with someone. Even when something whispers, <i>You\u2019re being used.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So can two people make sex both detached, yet intimate?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A recent letter published in <a href=\"https:\/\/www.thecut.com\/2019\/05\/ask-polly-i-cant-do-casual.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">The Cut<\/a> echoed what many women are feeling<i>:&nbsp;<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If one more guy asks me for \u201csomething casual,\u201d I\u2019m going to throw something. It\u2019s gone beyond just being exhausting. I\u2019m angry.<br>&#8230;I was always so painfully aware of the fact that the only reason these guys were talking to me was because I was letting them sleep with me. It wasn\u2019t like we were friends. It wasn\u2019t like they liked me as a person, or thought I was interesting \u2026 I felt like a sex doll.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-one-dimensional-sex\">One-dimensional sex<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">We as Americans are all about listening to our hearts. But the hookup culture of casual sex ignores our hearts all together\u2014men <i>and <\/i> women. It denies us as holistic human beings. And it pretends our souls are not welded to our bodies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It\u2019s how casual sex cons anyone. Venker cites Jordan Peterson:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">People treat sex like it\u2019s casual. It\u2019s not. Sex is unbelievably complicated. It\u2019s dangerous. It involves emotions. It involves pregnancy. It involves illness. It involves betrayal. It reaches right down into the roots of someone. You don\u2019t play with something like that casually. Well, you can, but you\u2019ll pay for it.<\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"fl-article-cta\"><div class=\"fl-article-cta-wrapper\"><a class='fl-article-cta-button' style='margin-top: 15px; visibility: visible; background-color: #f3bd48 !important;' target='_blank' href='https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/prayers-for-parents\/' data-color-override='false' data-hover-color-override='false' data-hover-text-color-override='#fff'><span>Download a free 30-day guide to praying for your children.<i class='fa fas fa-arrow-circle-right'><\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-ancient-views-on-casual-sex\">Ancient views on casual sex<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">To ancient Christians in Corinth, many of whom were converts from the goddess Aphrodite, the apostle Paul puts it this way: <i>Do you not know that he who unites himself &#8230; is one with her in body? For it is said, \u201cThe two will become one flesh.\u201d&#8230; All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body<\/i>(1 Corinthians 6:16, 18 NIV). He goes on to elaborate that Christians\u2019 bodies are actually quite connected to the Spirit of God Himself. Because He dwells in them (6:19).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But to be fair, the sexual ethic Paul was indicating was that of lifetime monogamy: Where two people give and take not only their bodies, but their entire lives. It\u2019s a morality in which if one was going to take someone\u2019s body, they were claiming responsibility for that person\u2019s finances, emotional state, relationships with family\u2014the works. And as that love grows more whole, more perfect, it drives out fear (1 John 4:18): the dread that this person will only use or abuse me, or that this relationship will only function as long as I perform satisfactorily.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Lauren Winner, American historian and Duke professor, writes \u201cthe disordered, faux sex that goes on outside of marriage is not really sex at all\u201d\u2014not unlike how the \u201cwilderness\u201d theme park is a fake rendition of wilderness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sex was, and is, part of complete, whole-person nourishment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-committed-trapped\">Committed = Trapped?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Perhaps the stereotype of that lasting connection of monogamy is a trapped man or woman, the proverbial ball and chain. But I guess this is the part where I tell you I\u2019m #oneofthose: a lifetime, one-man woman. He\u2019s not just giving me his body. I get his life. He not only wants me, but wants my family and my career and my hang-ups and my bad days. He\u2019s the diametric opposite of a fair-weather, getting-what-I-want fling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In some ways, I did set aside dreams. Because love uncovers beauty in sacrifice. And in other ways? My dreams got a turbo-boost with a man who advocated for me. And helped me unearth aspects of myself I would have never known or appreciated. I get more than a lover. I\u2019m loved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">What if in <a href=\"\/podcast\/familylife-today\/how-to-destroy-your-marriage-before-it-begins\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">looking for sex <\/a>, we looked for &#8230; marriage?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-more-and-better-sex\">More and better sex<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Statistically, I\u2019m not alone. According to a study quoted by <a href=\"https:\/\/www.nationalreview.com\/2019\/05\/the-sexual-revolutionaries-got-sexual-satisfaction-all-wrong\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">the National Review,<\/a> married couples have more sex than single people. Additionally, the study found, \u201chighly religious couples \u2018enjoy higher-quality relationships and more sexual satisfaction compared\u2019 with mixed or entirely secular couples.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Could commitment and genuine, sacrificial love give us wings rather than chains? Could married sex and married commitment be better than what casual sex offers?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">When I think about speaking to my preteen daughter about casual sex, my mental conversation involves something like this: <i>You and your sexuality are worth more.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Surely she is more than her sexuality. Surely we can do more than take from one another. Someday soon I will look in her brown eyes. I will tell her, <i>Wait until someone can give you his life. Don\u2019t just steal parts of him for yourself and refuse to care for the rest.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><i>And don\u2019t let anyone rob you of yours, either.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><i>Copyright \u00a9 2019 Janel Breitenstein. All rights reserved.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Janel Breitenstein is an author, freelance writer, speaker and frequent contributor for FamilyLife, including Passport2Identity\u00ae, Art of Parenting\u00ae, and regular articles. After five and a half years in East Africa, her family of six has returned to Colorado, where they continue to work on behalf of the poor with Engineering Ministries International. Her book, on spiritual life skills for messy families (Zondervan), releases March 2021. You can find her\u2014\u201cThe Awkward Mom\u201d\u2014having uncomfortable, important conversations at JanelBreitenstein.com, and on Instagram @janelbreit.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Casual sex boasts the benefits of being a modern woman: freedom, confidence, independence. But how is hooking up good for girls if 83% prefer commitment?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14950,"featured_media":91674,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"none","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"Casual sex boasts the benefits of being a modern woman: freedom, confidence, independence. 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