{"id":90588,"date":"2019-09-16T16:58:32","date_gmt":"2019-09-16T22:58:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=90588"},"modified":"2019-09-16T16:58:32","modified_gmt":"2019-09-16T22:58:32","slug":"guidelines-for-discussing-finances-with-an-ex-spouse","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/blended-family\/stepparents\/multiple-home-realities\/guidelines-for-discussing-finances-with-an-ex-spouse\/","title":{"rendered":"Guidelines for Discussing Finances With an Ex-spouse"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Like it or not, co-parenting with an ex-spouse involves your marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kami and Jerome understood how difficult it is to include financial support of children in the other home. They argued over the fair use of Jerome\u2019s income. He had two children in his first marriage, and the couple had one son together. Kami struggled with how much of Jerome\u2019s income went to child support for his kids, leaving what felt like not enough for their child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not fair,\u201d she would say. \u201cI want all of his kids to be provided for. Why should my son get the short end of the stick? Jerome needs to go back to court and get the amount reduced, but he refuses. It\u2019s just not right.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kami is a mother looking out for her son. Whether Jerome\u2019s child support amount is fair is for the court to decide, and they might need an attorney who can help them determine if a reduction is in order.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What\u2019s important for the marriage, though, is to guard against us-versus-them language about the children. This dynamic polarizes Kami and Jerome as a couple; she aligns with her son, and he aligns with his other two children, leaving the couple pitted against each other. The outcome is a divided household.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In some cases, a stepparent may have to accept their spouse\u2019s financial obligations and live with the ramifications. In other cases, a biological parent may need to go through the hassle of renegotiating alimony and\/or child support. However, the ultimate cost to avoid is a divided marriage and stepfamily. That cost is far too high.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should your current spouse get into the negotiation mix?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

This is a common question for blended families who experience mid- to high-conflict co-parenting situations. (Low-conflict co-parents are generally able to talk through parenting and money issues.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ideally, the biological parents work together for their children. But we understand that negotiating is difficult, if not downright challenging, when the former partners have so much negative history. You may be unable to separate what is \u201cpersonal\u201d from the parental responsibilities at hand, and so the question arises whether a stepparent should step in and negotiate on behalf of their household.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Every situation is different, and that\u2019s why we don\u2019t think there\u2019s a right answer to this question. Some couples intuitively know involving the stepparent will make things worse. However, if the stepparent is willing to be involved and they have the temperament of a mediator or peacemaker, give it a try. For example, if a stepdad and biological dad can have a productive discussion about between-home parenting and money matters, then the biological mom doesn\u2019t have to take part in the conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some stepfamilies find that this is a temporary arrangement that helps everyone through a challenging season, and others find it is a good long-term solution. In any case, it is important for the stepparent couple to talk a great deal in advance of the negotiation so the stepparent can represent their household well when talking with the other home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Once the conversation with the other home begins, the stepparent should not make any commitments before talking again with their spouse in private unless they are completely confident they know the biological parent will be okay with the decision.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Communication strategies that help<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes the outcome of a money or boundary conversation depends largely on how you start it. Having a business mentality in your parental exchanges can be helpful. Good principles for having effective co-parent meetings include the following:<\/p>\n\n\n\n