{"id":9038,"date":"2017-12-06T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2017-12-06T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=9038"},"modified":"2017-12-06T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"2017-12-06T00:00:00","slug":"can-a-mom-be-too-close-to-her-daughter","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/parenting\/essentials\/mothers\/can-a-mom-be-too-close-to-her-daughter\/","title":{"rendered":"Can a Mom Be Too Close to her Daughter?"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>\n

There are lots of positive things about being good friends with your daughter. I\u2019ve talked to moms who say their adult daughter is their very closest, best friend. They shop together and tell each other everything. We all want connection with our daughters. But when Mom sees her daughter as her main confidante or they become overly close, it can hinder a healthy transition to adulthood. That was the case for Julie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Julie and her mother had always been close. Yet from high school on, her biggest struggle was that her mom was so involved in her life it was suffocating. She appreciated and loved her mom, but during the college years she wanted a little distance to grow. But her mom kept needing to be needed. She was dependent on her daughter\u2019s dependency, which fostered insecurity in Julie. This sweet, caring mother had done everything<\/em> for her daughter when she lived at home and then kept doing everything<\/em> even through her daughter\u2019s twenties (her taxes, reconciling her checkbook, and doing her laundry, all of which Julie was capable of doing herself). \u201cYou\u2019re so busy; come home this weekend and I\u2019ll get it all done.\u201d  Her mom did all this with the best of intentions, and she expected a lot<\/em> from her daughter in return.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Julie\u2019s dad had been emotionally absent early on, so as a child Julie was expected to be her mom\u2019s listener. Hers was the shoulder her mother cried on when she was upset. Being mom\u2019s main emotional support felt spiritual and noble, especially when she had to sacrifice some of her own fun times with friends, but it was actually detrimental to the process of Julie\u2019s learning to grow up and live her own life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When she started pulling away in small steps during college, like spending the weekend on campus for an activity with friends, her mom asked guilt-producing questions like, \u201cWhy aren\u2019t you coming home more?\u201d or \u201cAre your friends more fun than I am?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Being a compliant people pleaser, Julie got sucked into an enmeshed relationship with her mother. She gave up a lot of her own perfectly normal desires and interests in order to go home when her mom needed companionship or to call her more often than she had time for.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Julie\u2019s mom didn\u2019t realize she was manipulating situations and thereby preventing her daughter from being a stable, healthy adult. Mom\u2019s hyper-involvement eventually not only hurt Julie\u2019s ability to feel good about herself and live her own life, it also hurt their relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Consequently, while her greatest wish was for her daughter to get married, Julie\u2019s mother didn\u2019t realize her overinvolvement was a big part of the reason her daughter wasn\u2019t developing a relationship with a guy. When Julie didn\u2019t marry through her twenties and early thirties, her mom asked from time to time, out of real concern, \u201cDon\u2019t you want to get married?\u201d This is never a good question for us to ask.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mom and daughter operated in this kind of dysfunctional connection for a decade before Julie realized the growing venom and resentment she felt toward her mom. She\u2019d started avoiding her, and when they were together, Julie was either curt or silent. Then Julie sought counseling to find a way to detach with love, forgive, and live her own life while still honoring her mother.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At first her mother resisted the change in their relationship. She cried, balked, and felt sorry for herself. But as Julie stood her ground and learned how to separate and draw some healthy boundaries, her mother finally got the message: She needed to have her own life, not try to live through her daughter. She got involved in a Bible study and community projects, participating in life on her own for a change. Through those groups she made some new friends.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As Julie and her mom created some space from each other, their mother-daughter relationship became more open, and what her mother had longed for happened: Julie drew close and began to enjoy her mom more than ever\u2014quite a contrast to spending time with her because she felt obligated to. That\u2019s what happens when we allow our daughters to grow into the adults they\u2019re supposed to be. Then they are free to return on their own timetable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Just as Julie and her mom experienced from establishing boundaries, our relationships with our own daughters will actually be much healthier and the time we do spend together more enjoyable if we do the same.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Breaking unhealthy ties<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

In her book The Emotionally Destructive Relationship<\/em>, Leslie Vernick points out the following signs of a too close, emotionally destructive relationship: one person is regularly overprotective, overbearing\u2014or both\u2014toward the other; one person is overdependent upon the other to affirm her personal value and worth and meet all her needs; one person exhibits chronic indifference, neglect, or both toward the thoughts, feelings, or well-being of the other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you sense your daughter and you have been a bit too close for comfort or you\u2019re dissatisfied with her distance, maybe it\u2019s time to reconnect with yourself. Take some time to get to know yourself better and identify your hopes and dreams, your \u201cbucket list\u201d of things you want to do while you\u2019re still on this side of the grass. Get comfortable with just being with yourself<\/em>, journaling your thoughts and feelings, and being fine with solitude.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And make time to cultivate your own friendships. That\u2019s one of the best things we moms can do for our daughters, especially during the college and twenty-something years when our daughter\u2019s developmental task is to separate from us. We can share thoughts and appropriate feelings, of course, but it\u2019s not a daughter\u2019s job to be the repository of intimate details of your life. It\u2019s vital to avoid confiding to her toxic feelings about her father (or another family member) that will negatively affect her relationship with that person. It\u2019s not her job to be your therapist. That\u2019s too heavy a burden to bear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you shape her into that role, it brings turmoil during a formative stage of her life and can mess up her own sense of identity and sexuality. She\u2019s still your daughter, and you are not <\/em>her little girl. If you don\u2019t switch the roles, the relationship will be healthier\u2014and isn\u2019t that what you want? Your daughter will be freer to live her life and develop her own identity, friendships, and interests. And as you are available without hovering and detached without cutting her off, she\u2019ll have the emotional energy she needs for learning and tackling the normal challenges of her adult years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The key is balance<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

As mothers, when we find our own best friends (in addition to close communication with our husbands, if they are in the picture), it doesn\u2019t diminish our relationship with our daughter. It enhances our bond with her. We need women we can confide in and trust because developing connections with other women is part of taking care of ourselves. In the process, we not only have an opportunity to be deeply honest with someone who is better equipped to support us, but we get to have fun too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It comes down to a balance\u2014not a disconnected, I\u2019m-too-busy-for-you stance or a too-close-for-comfort, enmeshed relationship with our daughter. Let her know you\u2019re there for her when she needs someone to talk to, and then listen well when she takes you up on the offer. Invite her to meet you at a coffee shop, and don\u2019t take it personally if she\u2019s not able to fit that into her schedule. Be her greatest encourager in all the steps along the way as she becomes a full-fledged adult. And while you\u2019re at it, enjoy the freedom to have a life of your own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Excerpted from<\/em> Mother-Daughter Duet by Cheri Fuller and Ali Plum. Copyright \u00a92010 by Cheri Fuller and Ali Plum. Excerpted by permission of Multnomah Books, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We all want connection with our daughters, but when we become overly close, it can hinder their transition to adulthood.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":51,"featured_media":161775,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"none","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[2838],"tags":[],"equip-category":[],"cwp_profile":[3208],"class_list":["post-9038","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-mothers","cwp_profile-cheri-fuller"],"acf":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2017\/12\/can-a-mom-be-too-close-to-her-daughter_1300x408.jpg","spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"_vc_post_settings":["a:1:{s:10:\"vc_grid_id\";a:0:{}}"],"_startdate":["field_598a655fc5a8d"],"startdate":[""],"_state":["field_598a6575c5a8e"],"state":[""],"_url":["field_598a6582c5a8f"],"url":[""],"_venuename":["field_598a6598c5a90"],"venuename":[""],"_hotel_reservationurl":["field_598a65b3c5a91"],"hotel_reservationurl":[""],"_reservationtelephone":["field_598a65c6c5a92"],"reservationtelephone":[""],"_imageurl":["field_598a65edc5a93"],"imageurl":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/07\/can-a-mom-be-too-close-to-her-daughter_1040x326.jpg"],"_postalcode":["field_598a654b146f3"],"postalcode":[""],"_longitude":["field_598a653e355f6"],"longitude":[""],"_latitude":["field_598a64f8ada01"],"latitude":[""],"_enddate":["field_598a64a5afb90"],"enddate":[""],"_countrycode":["field_598a648b86dcc"],"countrycode":[""],"_city":["field_598a647e29bf2"],"city":[""],"_availableseats":["field_598a646bbebc6"],"availableseats":[""],"_addressline1":["field_598a645214a6b"],"addressline1":[""],"_eventid":["field_598a6442626b9"],"eventid":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["161775"],"_alt_author":["field_5ac3df572642e"],"alt_author":["a:1:{i:0;s:5:\"14433\";}"],"_edit_last":["89"],"_cloudsearch_visibility":["0"],"content_type":[""],"_content_type":["field_63977c8a04ed8"],"disclaimer_banner":[""],"_disclaimer_banner":["field_63e398cbdd89f"],"downloadable_content":["0"],"_downloadable_content":["field_63977e5104edf"],"login_restricted":["0"],"_login_restricted":["field_6398ee3447896"],"override_header":["0"],"_override_header":["field_5d9f5b011a6e0"],"header_post_type":["elementor_library"],"_header_post_type":["field_5d9f5ba898919"],"enable_secondary_navigation":["0"],"_enable_secondary_navigation":["field_62f621cc706a6"],"secondary_navigation":["32"],"_secondary_navigation":["field_62f6302e2f621"],"make_background_white":["0"],"_make_background_white":["field_5db1f6f6896fd"],"disable_top_header":["0"],"_disable_top_header":["field_5db74a47df831"],"disable_footer_widget_area":["0"],"_disable_footer_widget_area":["field_64b65ff0b99e8"],"override_footer_widgets":["0"],"_override_footer_widgets":["field_5e134c9512191"],"footer_widgets_post_type":["elementor_library"],"_footer_widgets_post_type":["field_5e0ef0bb482f3"],"custom_footer_background_color":[""],"_custom_footer_background_color":["field_64b663b25c0cb"],"header_sticky_on_mobile":["0"],"_header_sticky_on_mobile":["field_5e18a11219bac"],"show_locations_button_in_header":["0"],"_show_locations_button_in_header":["field_5e1cb1cabaad1"],"hide_social_media_buttons":["0"],"_hide_social_media_buttons":["field_5e1e3036c5657"],"signup_redirect":[""],"_signup_redirect":["field_5e74d18689717"],"tracking_scripts":[""],"_tracking_scripts":["field_5db1a558c0a94"],"video_embed_code":[""],"_video_embed_code":["field_61a661f3ff0af"],"show_recent_3_posts":["1"],"_show_recent_3_posts":["field_5e5fe8fd0a35f"],"show_recent_3_podcasts":["1"],"_show_recent_3_podcasts":["field_5e5fe84cb04cb"],"_yoast_wpseo_primary_category":["108"],"_yoast_wpseo_primary_equip-category":[""],"_yoast_wpseo_primary_aem-tag":[""],"_yoast_wpseo_content_score":["30"],"_yoast_wpseo_focuskeywords":["[]"],"_yoast_wpseo_keywordsynonyms":["[\"\"]"],"_yoast_wpseo_estimated-reading-time-minutes":["6"],"_yoast_wpseo_wordproof_timestamp":[""],"_eael_post_view_count":["5998"],"_eb_reusable_block_ids":["a:0:{}"],"_seopress_analysis_target_kw":[""],"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":["none"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-9038.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-9038.js"]},"meta_box":{"_cloudsearch_visibility":"0","profile_obj_manual_select":false,"profile_obj":false,"separator":false,"enable_link":false,"login_restricted":"0","content_type":"","disclaimer_banner":"","currency":false,"pricing_subtext":false,"element_type":false,"date_field":false,"date_format":false,"theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":"","series":false,"ignore_sticky":false,"conditional_blocks_category":false,"cta_selection":false},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2017\/12\/can-a-mom-be-too-close-to-her-daughter_1300x408.jpg",1024,321,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"WordPress Admin","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/wordpress-admincru-org\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"We all want connection with our daughters, but when we become overly close, it can hinder their transition to adulthood.","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9038","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/51"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9038"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9038\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/161775"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9038"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9038"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9038"},{"taxonomy":"equip-category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/equip-category?post=9038"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=9038"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}