{"id":89801,"date":"2019-08-26T12:38:34","date_gmt":"2019-08-26T17:38:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=89801"},"modified":"2019-08-26T12:38:34","modified_gmt":"2019-08-26T17:38:34","slug":"think-your-marriage-is-dying-7-signs-to-consider","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/troubled-marriage\/saving-a-marriage\/think-your-marriage-is-dying-7-signs-to-consider\/","title":{"rendered":"Think Your Marriage is Dying? 7 Signs to Consider"},"content":{"rendered":"
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It\u2019s your billionth fight about the same thing. And you\u2019ve noticed your go-to script involves throwing out the d-word like a threat.<\/p>\n

Back when the temperature in your marriage was pretty hot, you could have never imagined things could get so cool.<\/p>\n

Even cold.<\/p>\n

But how do you know things have gone from bad to worse? What should you do if you think your marriage is dying?<\/p>\n

Here are seven signs your marriage is in trouble and suggested steps toward bringing it back to life.<\/p>\n

SOS #1: You don\u2019t mutually respect each other.<\/h2>\n

Ask yourself: Do I still respect who my spouse is?<\/p>\n

Sometimes, the size of a person\u2019s weakness and failure swell beyond our ability to see what\u2019s valuable about them. Or simply see their humanity.<\/p>\n

Steps toward a solution:\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0Forgiveness, as impossible as it may seem, begins to expel the poison of disdain, which kills from the inside.<\/p>\n

Even without the other party\u2019s apology, we carry the power to choose not to dwell on weakness. It\u2019s often a choice we must make over and over again: To forgive, foregoing gossip, choosing to move toward this person, despite their flaws, and choose to do good to them which they don\u2019t deserve.<\/p>\n

But your neural pathways of frustration, and even disdain, with your spouse are likely well-traveled. It takes time to reroute your brain, reminding yourself your spouse is more than the sum of their weaknesses.<\/p>\n

When you\u2019re tempted to marinate in your spouse\u2019s prolific shortcomings, think of three ways you\u2019re thankful for them.<\/p>\n

It may sound trite, especially if you feel like your marriage is dying. But if you could shift your focus away from anger and hurt, and toward hope. Could it be worth it?<\/p>\n

SOS #2: You don\u2019t respond to each other.<\/h2>\n

You may not be listening well. You may not feel received when you\u2019re divulging a part of yourself.<\/p>\n

Even in the small things, you may be tempted to respond with a mental Whatever.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

There\u2019s an often self-protective, spreading callous we feel when protecting ourselves even in the small interactions, ceasing to let ourselves be moved, pulled, pushed, or affected by one another.<\/p>\n

Steps toward a solution: <\/strong>Evaluate why you\u2019re self-protectively (or otherwise) unyielding. What are you trying to preserve or communicate?<\/p>\n

Is it your independence or sense of self? Your revenge to your spouse for feeling like your marriage is dying? Your sense of safety or superiority?<\/p>\n

(If you sense this protectiveness in your spouse, what can you do to understand what lies beneath? Where did they initially feel loss, hurt, or betrayal in an intimate relationship\u2014even if it wasn\u2019t yours?)<\/p>\n

That preservation doesn\u2019t have to be at the expense of responsiveness. How could you set healthy boundaries while still remaining soft and moveable?<\/p>\n

Determine if you need counseling<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n

SOS #3: Another relationship consistently takes priority.<\/h2>\n

It could be the kids. Your mom. A friend. Or you\u2019ve found yourself confiding in someone of the opposite sex; it feels so good to have someone ask what you feel or think.<\/p>\n

Steps toward a solution:<\/strong> When your marriage isn\u2019t priority, everything else topples amidst the imbalance.<\/p>\n

Maybe it\u2019s your kids. Of course you love them, and of course parenthood\u2019s demanding. Yet kids weren\u2019t made to run the show. (Neither were mothers-in-law. Or your boss, no matter how many figures in your paycheck.)<\/p>\n

What relationships do you need to establish boundaries around so your marriage stays primary?<\/p>\n

SOS #4: You frequently indulge certain types of negativity.<\/h2>\n

Marriage researcher John Gottman, in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work<\/em>, partly predicts divorce by the successive appearance of what he calls \u201cThe Four Horsemen\u201d. They\u2019re<\/p>\n