{"id":89497,"date":"2019-08-12T10:38:34","date_gmt":"2019-08-12T15:38:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=89497"},"modified":"2019-08-12T10:38:34","modified_gmt":"2019-08-12T15:38:34","slug":"when-my-wife-wants-sex-but-im-not-feelin-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/staying-married\/romance-and-sex\/when-my-wife-wants-sex-but-im-not-feelin-it\/","title":{"rendered":"When My Wife Wants Sex \u2026 But I’m Not Feelin’ It"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

It happened again. That moment of realization. Ohhh, I know what she\u2019s doing. She\u2019s initiating. She desires me. My wife wants sex. But, uh\u2014I\u2019m not feelin\u2019 it right now. So, no thanks?<\/em><\/p>\n

You ever been there? Turning down the lady\u2019s advances?<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll never forget the visceral disagreement I had in college. On the eve of my wedding, my mentor told me, \u201cJustin, one day soon<\/em> there will be a day when your wife wants sex, but you\u2019ll be too tired. You\u2019ll decline.\u201d I\u2019m thankful I don\u2019t remember the specifics of my response. But it went something like, \u201cYou\u2019re flat out wrong, you lesser man, you!\u201d<\/p>\n

Needless to say, on the fourth night of the honeymoon<\/em>, I said, \u201cBabe, I\u2019m spent. Can we just, like, cuddle?\u201d<\/p>\n

Men, we\u2019ve been told a narrative our entire lives that we are the lions. That our sex drive should<\/em> be higher than our wives’. That we must initiate intimacy every time<\/em>. That this is what it means to be a man.<\/p>\n

Anything less? Anything else besides this? Well, are you even a man?<\/em> These lies are loud in our heads.<\/p>\n

Is declining her advances okay?<\/h2>\n

Now, let\u2019s get something straight: to decline is just fine. Every once in a while, that is.<\/p>\n

Marital sex is a language. It\u2019s a conversation. It\u2019s worship. Therefore, it must be regular. But nowhere in the Bible are we prescribed a number of times per week. The Bible doesn’t command us to say yes<\/em> every time. There are days, even seasons, where sex just ain\u2019t gonna happen. (Several weeks post-pregnancy, for example. And also as Paul teaches in 1 Corinthians, the mutual agreement to temporarily<\/em> pause intercourse to pray, only to resume once done.)<\/p>\n

But a pattern<\/em> of saying no when your wife wants sex? Well, that becomes a problem<\/em>. Here\u2019s why. Think about it from her perspective.<\/p>\n

Turning her down when your wife wants sex can cause\u2026<\/h2>\n

1. Insecurity<\/h3>\n

My man keeps saying no. Does he even want me? Am I still attractive to him? Does he care? <\/em><\/p>\n

It’s easy to see the natural progression into fear.<\/p>\n

2. Fear<\/h3>\n

What\u2019s wrong with me? Am I not beautiful to him? Does my body not stimulate him anymore? Is he receiving stimulation from somewhere else? Is he watching porn?<\/a> What if there is \u2026 someone else?<\/em><\/p>\n

Then, it tilts towards anger.<\/p>\n

3. Anger<\/h3>\n

Okay, so he has the energy to golf with friends this afternoon but not take care of me? Forget it. Not trying anymore. I\u2019ve been with the kids all day, and I just want to feel like an adult! I love my kids. But I long to be touched in a non-annoying way. Did I marry a man or a boy?<\/em><\/p>\n

Okay, so flash back to that moment of realization. She\u2019s initiating and you’re not feelin\u2019 it. Consider the situation from her perspective<\/a>. Reread the last few paragraphs for help in this. Then, here are some ideas to think about.<\/p>\n

Admit you might not be feelin\u2019<\/em> it \u2026 but you\u2019re still needin\u2019<\/em> it<\/h2>\n

As mentioned, sex is integral to the health of the marriage.  The pleasure, the love, the closeness, the chemicals released in the brain, the spontaneous conversations during, the anticipation, the little winks in public afterwards. Our bodies were quite literally made<\/em> for it.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s almost like \u2026 God created it for our joy. (Which, of course, he did!) Whoa.<\/p>\n

Constant refusal of this is therefore unhealthy. Husband, you might not feel like<\/em> you\u2019re in the mood. Fair enough. Still, you need it. So does your wife.<\/p>\n

Go ahead. Partake. Whew, the sacrifice.<\/p>\n

Can sex in Christian marriage be spectacular? See our online course!<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n

Understand that your body is under her authority<\/h2>\n

Paul teaches in 1 Corinthians, \u201cFor the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another\u2026\u201d (7:4-5).<\/p>\n

It\u2019s mutual, yes. Praise God for that.<\/a> But, husbands, our<\/em> focus is that she, in a sense, owns our body. We shouldn\u2019t deprive her of it. My decision to have sex or not is filtered through if my wife wants sex <\/i>as much as if I want sex<\/i>.<\/p>\n

Delight often follows duty<\/h2>\n

It\u2019s a principle we all must learn. It applies to studying the Bible, rolling out of bed for church, and even sex with our wife. While in a perfect world we\u2019d be delighted<\/em> to make love every single time, it sometimes doesn\u2019t work that way.<\/p>\n

So, it often comes down to duty. It\u2019s our duty<\/em> to care for her in this way. What\u2019s cool is that delight follows\u2014or flows out of\u2014<\/em>duty.<\/p>\n

Practically, you begin a half-hearted kiss with a semi-grumpy attitude. But a few this<\/em> and thats<\/em> later … there\u2019s no place you\u2019d rather be!<\/p>\n

You are her storyteller<\/h2>\n

Whether you mean it or not, you\u2019re weaving a story. You\u2019re crafting her story, one in which she\u2019s the main character. It’s likely the story of who she is that she tells herself inside her own head. But it’s this story that gets to the core of her heart.<\/p>\n

Every time you refuse her sexual advances you\u2019re (likely unintentionally) communicating some pretty awful things to her. Especially if it\u2019s a pattern. Things that can spiral into insecurity, fear, and anger.<\/p>\n

(Let me add that if you’re a man facing medical challenges in this area that is different than simply only wanting sex on your own schedule. But still you should openly talk with your wife about it and also to your doctor.)<\/p>\n

Conversely, saying yes when your wife wants sex\u2014even when you\u2019d rather sleep, work out, finish a work project, scroll Instagram or whatever\u2014communicates your high value of her. Your yes tells her she is<\/em> worthy, beautiful, and yours. All of her.<\/p>\n

Husband, it\u2019s not a perfect world. It\u2019s not a perfect marriage. We aren\u2019t perfect lovers.  And we often don\u2019t handle things in a Christ-like way.<\/p>\n

But with a little perspective shift, a slight adjustment of belief, and a minor increase in action, our wives, in God\u2019s grace, will flourish emotionally, spiritually, and physically. It might not be easy. But nothing glorious ever is.<\/p>\n

\n

Copyright \u00a9 2019 Justin Talbert. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n

Justin Talbert serves as the Student Pastor at Christ Community Church in Little Rock, Arkansas. He received his MDiv from Covenant Theological Seminary. Justin and his wife May, have three Vikings-in-training: Soren, Aksel, and Isen. You can find him on Instagram: @justinltalbert<\/a>. And he regularly blogs at getgroundedministries.com<\/a>.<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

On the fourth night of the honeymoon, I was like, \u201cBabe, I\u2019m spent. Can we just cuddle?\u201d You ever been there? Turning down the lady\u2019s advances? <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14950,"featured_media":89545,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"none","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"On the fourth night of the honeymoon, I said, \u201cBabe, I\u2019m spent. Can we just cuddle?\u201d You ever been there? Turning down the lady\u2019s advances?","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[2088],"tags":[],"equip-category":[],"cwp_profile":[3561],"class_list":["post-89497","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-romance-and-sex","cwp_profile-justin-talbert"],"acf":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2019\/08\/When-my-wife-wants-sex_1040x326.jpg","uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2019\/08\/When-my-wife-wants-sex_1040x326.jpg",1024,321,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"tlane@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/tlanefamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"On the fourth night of the honeymoon, I was like, \u201cBabe, I\u2019m spent. Can we just cuddle?\u201d You ever been there? Turning down the lady\u2019s advances?","meta_box":{"_cloudsearch_visibility":"","profile_obj_manual_select":false,"profile_obj":false,"separator":false,"enable_link":false,"login_restricted":"","content_type":"","disclaimer_banner":"","currency":false,"pricing_subtext":false,"element_type":false,"date_field":false,"date_format":false,"theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":"","series":false,"ignore_sticky":false,"conditional_blocks_category":false,"cta_selection":false},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/89497","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/14950"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=89497"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/89497\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/89545"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=89497"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=89497"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=89497"},{"taxonomy":"equip-category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/equip-category?post=89497"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=89497"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}