{"id":88672,"date":"2019-08-01T15:21:09","date_gmt":"2019-08-01T20:21:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=88672"},"modified":"2024-10-30T14:32:27","modified_gmt":"2024-10-30T18:32:27","slug":"mom-why-isnt-dad-coming-to-church","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/faith\/mom-why-isnt-dad-coming-to-church\/","title":{"rendered":"‘Mom, Why Isn’t Dad Coming to Church?’"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

It’s funny how a child\u2019s question can send a gal into a tailspin. \u201cMom, why isn\u2019t Dad coming to church?\u201d<\/p>\n

Immediately, you\u2019re caught.<\/p>\n

I need to communicate that what he’s doing isn’t fine … Should I be shielding him? Should I fake it, and pretend he\u2019s just tired? … GAH. I feel like I’m on damage control for his decision.<\/i><\/p>\n

The tentacles reach beyond church-going, right? There\u2019s the devotional book you bought gathering dust on the nightstand. The prayers you wish he was initiating. The language he\u2019s lobbing when angry.<\/p>\n

How should you respond when your spouse is the spiritual un-hero?<\/p>\n

Take inventory.<\/h2>\n

A pastor friend of mine\u2014whose three brothers are also in ministry\u2014confessed, \u201cI encourage my congregation to do devotions as a family. But my dad didn\u2019t do devotions with us.\u201d<\/p>\n

Discipleship was more of a lifestyle, he explained.<\/p>\n

Before wringing your hands about how your spouse is failing the current status quo, prayerfully ask questions of yourself.<\/p>\n

1. What\u2019s my spouse doing right?\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Have I expressed my gratitude? (Hint: None of us is the sum of our weaknesses.)<\/p>\n

2. What does Scripture actually say about discipleship?\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Family devotions, family worship, community group, nighttime prayers…are not actually in the Bible<\/i>. Gathering together regularly is in the Bible. Being an active part of the body of Christ is in the Bible. Discipling our kids is in the Bible. But some of these are man-made creations toward those ends. They\u2019re not the end itself.<\/p>\n

3. When I\u2019m honest, how much of this is my own image-management?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Can you identify with any of these thoughts?\u00a0I feel so awkward when people ask me where he is.\u00a0 Everyone else talks about all these things their husbands are doing spiritually, while my husband would sooner plunge a toilet.\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n

His failure feels like it\u2019s welded on to me.<\/i><\/p>\n

Understand his whys.<\/h2>\n

What do you understand about your husband\u2019s reasoning? Is there alienation or anger when it comes to spiritual issues? Does he associate rejection or shame with church?\u00a0When it comes to spiritually leading your family, could he be hauling a sense of failure or inadequacy?<\/p>\n

Until you understand the underlying \u201cdisease,\u201d so to speak, you could actually compound your spouse\u2019s hurt or anger by addressing symptoms only.<\/p>\n

\u201cI really wanted to change spiritually, because she never let up on the nagging. Totally worked!\u201d … Said no guy ever.<\/p>\n

Creating a safe place for your spouse to get honest<\/a> and heal\u2014to be emotionally naked and unashamed\u2014is critical.<\/p>\n

Trust me: You want him to associate you with the solution for his pain. Not the problem.\u00a0He will sense any underlying disrespect, manipulative agenda (\u201cShe\u2019s really only doing this so she can get what she wants\u201d), or reactionary impulses to what he\u2019s not doing.<\/p>\n

And he will shut down.<\/p>\n

Transformation begins with listening to understand<\/i>. (As in, not instructing<\/i>.) It\u2019s usually not overnight. (\u201cOh! You answered my questions about why God allowed my friend\u2019s profound suffering. That was easy! Let\u2019s get to church before worship starts!\u201d)<\/p>\n

Tip: Your husband will be 100% more likely to take ownership of \u201cthe solution\u201d if he comes to the conclusion on his own. Walking with a spouse through deep questions can rattle our world. But this is what marriage, and courage, look like. \u201cIn sickness and in health\u201d can mean a sickness of the soul, too.<\/p>\n

Place your trust where trust belongs.<\/h2>\n

Often, our husbands\u2019 behavior throws us for a loop because we\u2019re afraid.<\/p>\n

We fear what happens if he doesn\u2019t step up. We fear for his own soul or spiritual maturity. We\u2019re often a little embarrassed for him (and ourselves) because of the associated social failures.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re usually grieving loss, too: Of the hopes we had for our homes or marriages or kids. Of having an ally in the foxhole, a teammate in what matters.<\/p>\n

Those are legitimate losses.<\/i> And in that, we can cry out to God like so many women before us. We can take refuge: \u201cYou have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy\u201d (Psalm 63:7).<\/p>\n

Ultimately, our trust can\u2019t be in our spouses or even in ourselves <\/i> and our discipleship. Paul writes, \u201cI planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth\u201d (1 Corinthians 3:6-7).<\/p>\n

Our husbands are God\u2019s. He is their Ultimate Discipler. He is not wringing his hands over your husband\u2019s failure to step up.<\/p>\n

Or our own.<\/p>\n

Receive more encouraging content like this delivered to your inbox!<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n

Help kids (and inquisitive friends) toward compassion.<\/h2>\n

It can be oh-so-easy to throw your spouse under the bus so your kids will get the message, I should go to church!<\/i><\/p>\n

We might say something like, \u201cWell, that\u2019s Daddy\u2019s decision. I don\u2019t agree with it, but we can do the right thing anyway, right?\u201d Or to a friend: \u201cHe makes his own decisions. He knows what he should do.\u201d<\/p>\n

But consider the alternative. \u201cYou know, Dad\u2019s in a tough place right now. I think his heart might be hurting. I want him to come to church with us because I love having him there. Even more though, I want him to love God. And you don\u2019t have to go to church to love God. You can love Him from anywhere! So let\u2019s pray for Dad on the way to church, that he\u2019ll know how much God loves him.\u201d<\/p>\n

It might just help them\u2014and your friends\u2014experience God\u2019s compassion toward their own failures someday. Or their own lack of keeping up appearances. It could help them love the Church, rather than resent it.<\/p>\n

It paints a robust image of a welcoming God, rather than as an angry parent, hands balled on hips.<\/p>\n

Show him Jesus.<\/h2>\n

You may be your husband\u2019s closest representation of God in his life. Is God bitter and disappointed, waiting for your husband to get his act together?<\/p>\n

Or is He patient and at peace, arms wide open?<\/p>\n

The first step to your husband witnessing Jesus starts right here, in how you meet him in his weakness. Remember, it\u2019s God\u2019s kindness that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4).<\/p>\n

The lack of a spiritual hero can feel powerless at times. But do you sense the power a woman has to communicate the power of the Gospel toward her children when people are hurting, and may not \u201cmeasure up\u201d?<\/p>\n

When others don\u2019t perform\u2014even those we yearn for\u2014we can speak truth over our husbands, our kids. We don\u2019t obey so we can be accepted by God.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re accepted 100% because of Jesus\u2019 work. And that\u2019s why we do these things: to seek Him.<\/p>\n

\n

Copyright \u00a9 2019 Janel Breitenstein. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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