{"id":8788,"date":"2013-12-13T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-12-13T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=8788"},"modified":"2013-12-13T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"2013-12-13T00:00:00","slug":"the-myth-of-successful-parenting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/parenting\/foundations\/character-development\/the-myth-of-successful-parenting\/","title":{"rendered":"The Myth of Successful Parenting"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

My husband, Duncan, and my son Noah were at the cannery store.\u00a0Duncan had to get groceries from the cannery, and Noah, seven, had to get a present for his sister, who was turning nine.\u00a0He had a little money in his pocket, money he\u2019d earned from working in the fishing boat with us.\u00a0Noah found something his sister would like\u2014a set of colored erasers\u2014and asked Duncan how much it was.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s three dollars,\u201d Duncan said after peering at the price tag.\u00a0\u201cDo you have three dollars?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNope.\u00a0I\u2019ve only got two.\u201d\u00a0Noah stood for a moment fingering his money.\u00a0Then suddenly he stuffed the money back into his pocket and began wiggling a loose tooth, his mouth cranked open, his eyes focused in concentration.\u00a0In less than a minute he held the tooth in hand, bloody at one end, and extended it without a word to Duncan.\u00a0An astonished Duncan (our family tooth fairy) took the tooth, fished out the last needed dollar from his own pocket, and the purchase was made.<\/p>\n

When Duncan returned from the store with Noah\u2019s tooth in his pocket and this story, I laughed.\u00a0Another example of Noah\u2019s determination and perseverance, traits we had worked hard to encourage.\u00a0See what we\u2019ve taught him?\u00a0We must be doing something right!\u00a0<\/em>But then I frowned.\u00a0Wait!\u00a0He\u2019s selling body parts, and his father\u2019s buying them.\u00a0Isn\u2019t that just a little too stoic and intense for a seven-year-old?\u00a0What have we done?\u00a0Maybe we\u2019re working him too hard.\u00a0\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

The inner courtroom<\/h2>\n

Even in the most innocuous of events with my children, I erect an internal courtroom almost instantly, complete with lawyers, a jury, and a judge.\u00a0I haven\u2019t yet reached a verdict in this instance, but I have on many other occasions.<\/p>\n

Why do so many of us do this?\u00a0Why are we poised over every event, ready to prophesy the future, ready to render judgment on our children\u2019s performance\u2014and on our own performance as a parent?\u00a0How do we know if we are doing a good job?<\/p>\n

God\u2019s spiritual heroes<\/h2>\n

We must turn to God\u2019s Word.\u00a0If we want to raise spiritual champions, we must ask ourselves what the Scriptures say about them.<\/p>\n

Hebrews 11, the great Hall of Faith chapter, provides just such a list, where the author identifies men and women who through extraordinary faith, \u201cconquered kingdoms, administered justice \u2026 shut the mouths of lions, quenched the fury of the flames \u2026 whose weakness was turned to strength. \u2026 Others were tortured and refused to be released. \u2026 They were stoned; they were sawed in two. \u2026 They went about \u2026 destitute, persecuted, and mistreated.\u201d\u00a0In short, \u201cThe world was not worthy of them\u201d (Hebrews 11:32-38).<\/p>\n

The immensity of their faith is so stunning: surely these individuals were raised by wise, God-fearing, faith-filled parents.\u00a0Surely they were the same kind of parent to their own children.\u00a0Yet as I consider the lives of these heroes, I am not sure I can reach that conclusion.<\/p>\n

    \n
  • Abraham was impatient for the son God promised.\u00a0Urged on by his wife, he sired a child by her maidservant, Hagar, and allowed this woman and his own son Ishmael to be banished to the desert.<\/li>\n
  • Isaac and Rebekah were the parents of Jacob and Esau.\u00a0Each openly favored one son over the other.\u00a0Rebekah, lacking faith in God\u2019s ability to overcome Isaac\u2019s favoritism, instructed Jacob to commit an unthinkable travesty: to lie to his father and steal the blessing from Esau, which he did.<\/li>\n
  • Jacob learned his lessons well from his mother and continued to deceive his way toward success\u2014lying to Esau, lying to Laban, and treating his wives and his ten sons with inequity.<\/li>\n
  • Moses was pulled from his basket on the Nile by the daughter of the pharaoh.\u00a0God chose for him to be raised by a woman who worshiped many gods and who taught Moses to do the same.<\/li>\n
  • Jephthah, a mighty warrior for God, was born to a prostitute.\u00a0As a father, he killed his only daughter as a sacrifice to God because of an impetuous vow.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    By our contemporary standards, most of these families were dismal failures.\u00a0They include polygamous family groupings rife with division and jealousy, prostitute mothers, heathen mothers, families with rampant favoritism and fratricide.\u00a0The only discernible patterns here seem to be those of human sin and error.\u00a0Yet God transformed their weaknesses into a faith that accomplished his eternal purposes.<\/p>\n

    Here is what I learn from this:\u00a0I am not sovereign over my children\u2014God is.\u00a0And God will use every aspect of my human parenting, even my sins and failures, to shape my children into who he desires them to be, for the sake of his kingdom.<\/p>\n

    Does God pass our parenting test?<\/h2>\n

    The Old Testament provides a long and deep look into the heart of the only perfect parent\u2014God himself.\u00a0In the Bible, God identifies himself over and over as a Father.\u00a0When we look at his children, however, the news is not good.\u00a0Beginning with Adam and Eve and moving through history, the story doesn\u2019t improve.\u00a0By the days of Noah, God\u2019s people had so polluted the world with their wickedness that God regretted having made them.\u00a0He ended the lives of every man, woman, and child who was not faithful to him.\u00a0God birthed another family later, the children of Israel, whom God called \u201cmy firstborn son\u201d (Exodus 4:22).\u00a0We know the tortuous record of that relationship, involving children who rebelled against their Father grievously.<\/p>\n

    Our own record as God\u2019s children is not much better.\u00a0What shall we say for ourselves?\u00a0Shall we point to our own pure hearts whose sole desire is to serve God with all of our being?\u00a0No.\u00a0If God\u2019s success as a parent is to be judged by us, his children, what can we conclude?\u00a0God himself does not pass our parenting test.<\/p>\n

    How can we know if we are parenting successfully?<\/h2>\n

    We know by now that we are asking the wrong questions.\u00a0We are so focused on ourselves\u2014our own need for success and the success of our children\u2014that we have come to view parenting as a performance or a test.\u00a0We cannot pass the test, I\u2019m afraid.\u00a0If we\u2019re graded on a curve, we will always find parents and children who are more obedient, more joyful, and more peaceful.\u00a0If we are graded on an absolute scale, then we all fail.<\/p>\n

    We must rethink our calling.\u00a0We are not capable of producing perfect followers of Christ, as if we were perfect ourselves.\u00a0Our work cannot purchase anyone else\u2019s salvation or sanctification.\u00a0Parents with unbelieving children, friends with children in jail, and the faith heroes in Hebrews 11 are all powerful reminders of this truth: Our children will make their choices, God will be sovereign, and God will advance his kingdom.<\/p>\n

    It is my earnest hope that these truths will move our parenting out of the courtroom that is always in session in our hearts.\u00a0I have wasted so much time and emotion quaking before that inner judge and jury!\u00a0Through God\u2019s Word, I am freed to return to my first calling: to live out and speak the truths of God\u2019s words wherever I am, especially before my children, regardless of their response.\u00a0Now I can focus more on my obedience than on my children\u2019s weaknesses.\u00a0I am not as likely to give up when a child persists in willfulness.\u00a0And I can continue trusting and relying upon God.<\/p>\n

    Who can I trust more than God?\u00a0Before him, I can release my powerless clutch on my children and myself and return what has belonged to him all along.\u00a0I can rest\u2014we can\u00a0all<\/em>\u00a0rest\u2014secure in his hands.\u00a0These are the hands of the One who has fearfully and wonderfully made every one of us.\u00a0The hands of a judge who is perfect in justice and mercy.\u00a0The hands of a Father who longs to lead his daughters and sons safely home to his side.<\/p>\n

    \n

    Excerpted from<\/em> Parenting Is Your Highest Calling by Leslie Leyland Fields. Copyright \u00a9 2008 by Leslie Leyland Fields. Excerpted by permission of WaterBrook Press, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    No matter how skillful you are, only God is sovereign over your children.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":51,"featured_media":15754,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"No matter how skillful you are, only God is sovereign over your 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