{"id":8719,"date":"2012-08-21T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2012-08-21T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=8719"},"modified":"2012-08-21T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"2012-08-21T00:00:00","slug":"reader-responses-what-i-wish-id-known-before-i-was-married","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/archived-content\/reader-comments\/reader-responses-what-i-wish-id-known-before-i-was-married\/","title":{"rendered":"Reader Responses What I Wish Id Known Before I Was Married"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Always put your relationship with the Lord first and foremost!<\/p>\n

You can\u2019t change your spouse, only God can.<\/p>\n

Sometimes you will have a tough time with in-laws and understanding them but forgiveness and understanding is key.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Because it\u2019s not always so obvious, it might bear mentioning: even in the most loving marriage\u2014and obviously in trying marriages\u2014marriage is hard<\/em>. It takes work. It takes effort on the part of each individual involved. Especially when kids and life come along and get in the way\u2014it\u2019s very easy to slip into \u201cpartners\u00a0in the business of life\u201d mode; but similar to \u201cnever stop enjoying each other\u201d is the equally critical, \u201cnever stop improving your commitment to your spouse and your marriage.\u201d<\/p>\n

We struggle each year to find time to go over our life goals, reviewing how far we have (or in some cases, haven\u2019t) come, but it is worth the effort<\/em>. Just like spending quiet time with God on a daily basis, if you push it to the back burner the relationship will suffer and blessings will be missed.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

I have found that most of our heartache and tears are self imposed.\u00a0 Many because of bad expectations created by our culture and expectations of our own pride.\u00a0 I believe that if a true biblical understanding of marriage is presented to young people before they are married then there is less heartache and tears, everyone still has to deal with their own pride.<\/p>\n

Second:\u00a0\u00a0Marriage does not mean you get to have sex any time you want it.\u00a0 This is a major misconception generated by our culture, it is quite false and creates a lot of heartache and tears.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

I understand that every marriage is different, and not every piece of advice is appropriate for every couple across the board.\u00a0 So here are my thoughts, simply based on my own personal\u00a0journey. And I\u2019m not unpacking\u00a0all of\u00a0my thoughts and personal experiences in this email or it would be too long of an email.\u00a0 So here I go.\u00a0 I WISH PEOPLE KNEW…<\/p>\n

Healing takes time.<\/em>\u00a0 My husband and I have a marital\u00a0journey that maybe someday we will\u00a0tell\u00a0others.\u00a0 We\u2019ve had tons\u00a0of hurt, including a separation which lasted a little more than\u00a02 years\u2014and both of us were homeless at different points (in our individual journeys with God)\u00a0during that\u00a0separation.\u00a0 It\u2019s a miracle that after 2 years of separation God brought us back together and continues to magnificently redeem and bless our marriage!\u00a0 I found it interesting that after we got back together, people\u00a0asked\u00a0me how we are doing and seemed surprised when I did not respond with an answer of \u201cFantastic!\u201d\u00a0 My friends were surprised when I told them that the healing takes time.\u00a0 So sad that my generation believes that\u00a0they must pursue personal happiness at all costs, with instant gratification.<\/p>\n

Your\u00a0spouse has\u00a0secrets that you don\u2019t know about.<\/em>\u00a0 During\u00a0courtship and dating,\u00a0I believed I was\u00a0getting to know Chris.\u00a0\u00a0My hard reality was that I didn\u2019t get to start knowing my husband until after we were married.\u00a0 I definitely had my times of thinking, \u201cWow, I didn\u2019t say, \u2018I do\u2019 to dealing with this, did I?\u201d\u00a0 Many of my\u00a0I do\u2019s quickly became\u00a0I don\u2019ts.\u00a0 The problems and imperfections that my spouse had in life were becoming mine to deal with (and vice versa).<\/p>\n

Parenting is important, and full-time moms rock!<\/em>\u00a0 I used to be\u00a0the vice principal of a private\u00a0school.\u00a0 I decided to go back to being a full-time mom while I have the chance.\u00a0 I\u00a0feel the world\u2019s pressure\u00a0trying\u00a0to convince me that my personal value and worth is LOW\u00a0because I\u2019m just a full-time mom.\u00a0 During\u00a0graduate school, nobody told me that many, many girls grow up to be stay-at-home mommies (and praise God for the\u00a0husbands who work so hard to support it!).\u00a0 It\u00a0is a wonderful job.\u00a0\u00a0I wish that people would let go of the pressure that\u00a0women have to be fast-paced career-focused.\u00a0 Little kids need their mommies.<\/p>\n

Marriage is more about our one-on-one relationship with Christ than our one-on-one relationship with our spouse.<\/em>\u00a0 For me it was a hard reality to learn, because\u00a0for so long I was equating the quality of my marital relationship to\u00a0the quality and depth of God\u2019s love and care for me.\u00a0 Now I see that the\u00a0truth is that God does\u00a0His work in my individual life…through marriage (and parenting).<\/p>\n

Becoming one does not mean it\u2019s good to be completely transparent with each other at all times.\u00a0 <\/em>I used to think that marriage should mean complete transparency at all times.\u00a0 I\u00a0have learned it is actually not the case.\u00a0\u00a0Setting good marital and good personal boundaries has brought a breath of fresh air into our marriage.<\/p>\n

So that\u2019s that.\u00a0 Due to our separation, and getting back together, and moving, and job change, and etc., it\u2019s been a lot of transition, moving,\u00a0personal expense, financial expense, you name it.\u00a0 But it was necessary for the growth.\u00a0 Amen!<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Here are my 5 pieces of advice for newly engaged couples from a marriage of 13-plus years:<\/p>\n

1. Marriage is not about being \u201cin love.\u201d It is about working together with a partner for the rest of your lives, in good times and in bad, regardless of how you \u201cfeel.\u201d<\/p>\n

2. Your marriage is not a one and one commitment, it is a one and one and One covenant between you, your spouse and God. Remember to keep Him first and foremost and He will help you weather the storms of life.<\/p>\n

3. You will have bad times as well as good. It is in those bad times that you can turn to God to help you stand as a couple and bend in the winds of trial.<\/p>\n

4. Always remember that your spouse is human, too, and prone to the same faults and failures you are. We all make mistakes and we can all learn to forgive.<\/p>\n

5. Bless each other daily. It may be as simple as pouring a cup of coffee for him\/her, making a breakfast when they don\u2019t have time, or giving him\/her a big hug\/kiss when they come home from a hard day, but bless each other in both big and small ways every day.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

I have been a widow for several years, but have some thoughts to share with young people who are planning on marrying.<\/p>\n

First and foremost, marriage is a full time job … it must be always tended like a fire in the fireplace so that it will keep burning well.\u00a0 Each person should do their best always\u2014I believe believe relationships are 100\/100, not 50\/50.\u00a0 I must give my all to make it the best that I can.\u00a0 There are times when one or the other will not feel well or is having some job stress or some other problem, that is when the spouse will step forward to give more so that all will go well.<\/p>\n

Second, foreplay does not begin at the bedroom door.\u00a0 If you wait until then, it is already too late.\u00a0 Foreplay involves all the special touches, edifying words, smiles, special glances across a room, holding hands, sharing tasks in the kitchen, secret pats … for all the time you are together during the day or evening.\u00a0 That makes the time in the bedroom\u2014or wherever you choose to enjoy each other\u2014so much better.\u00a0\u00a0 One cannot expect someone to \u201cturn on\u201d just because you turn the light out…it\u2019s a continual giving and sharing that makes it all wonderful.<\/p>\n

I must admit that I miss the tenderness and closeness.\u00a0 Perhaps God, in His wisdom, will provide that for me again.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Hosea 6:6 says, \u201cFor I desire mercy and not sacrifice \u2026
\nMicah 6:8 says, \u201cHe has shown you what is good; And what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?\u201d
\nMatthew 9:13: says, \u201cBut go and learn what this means; \u2018I desire mercy and not sacrifice\u2019\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

Just as God wants us to LOVE <\/em>being loyal to Him; therefore we have to start any relationship with this in mind:<\/p>\n

I have to LOVE <\/em>being loyal to my spouse,
\nI have to LOVE<\/em> being loving to my spouse,
\nI have to LOVE<\/em> being respectful to my spouse,
\nI have to LOVE<\/em> being faithful to my spouse,
\nI have to LOVE<\/em> being obedient to my spouse,
\nI have to LOVE<\/em> being considerate to my spouse,
\nI have to LOVE<\/em> being married to my spouse,
\nI have to LOVE<\/em> being \u00a0\u2026 you get the picture.<\/p>\n

Not out of obligation only, but out of LOVE for my spouse.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

I wish I had known:<\/p>\n