{"id":8714,"date":"2012-08-31T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2012-08-31T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=8714"},"modified":"2012-08-31T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"2012-08-31T00:00:00","slug":"reader-responses-is-marriage-a-dying-institution","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/archived-content\/reader-comments\/reader-responses-is-marriage-a-dying-institution\/","title":{"rendered":"Reader Responses Is Marriage a Dying Institution"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Editor’s Note:\u00a0 On <\/em>May 16, 2011, Dave Boehi wrote an article called\u00a0“Is \u00a0Marriage a ‘Dying Institution’?”<\/a>\u00a0<\/strong> Readers were invited to respond, and here are 100 of their comments.\u00a0 Click here<\/a> for additional responses.
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1.<\/strong>\u00a0Diaz stated that we should move away from old traditions that don’t suit our world today. I think this statement is a measuring stick for how high the waters are rising in this culture that is pulling away from God’s standards and institutions. It’s a measuring stick as to where the majority of people may be headed as the trends suggest.<\/p>\n

Diaz, along with Ablow, suggests that we find a cultural alternative to replace this institution that God created. If these alternatives are anything like the ones we have to replace every other God created institution, then I would anticipate destruction and further decline into a culture that no longer wants to hear God.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, as well, I’m not surprised by this at all. Our culture has been on the decline since the fall of Adam and Eve. It’s not just marriage, but it’s all the values, in every area of our life that are being threatened by this cultural current. With a media saturated culture, even Christians have forgot how to be “in” the world but not of it. The lines are getting blurry.<\/p>\n

In my opinion, the answer to this is to get back to the basics. We need to learn how to be in this world (clinging to God’s blueprints), and not of it (opting for this world blueprint). Now I’m not suggesting detachment from our culture, otherwise we cannot be a shining light to this culture if we hide in caves or protective bubbles. By “the basics” I mean we need to hold fast to the traditional beliefs, but redeem the innovations in our culture.<\/p>\n

Short story. I recently had been struggling over the issue of technology and how it fits into God’s plan. With all the new innovations, like the ipad, iphone, etc. I found it hard pressed to buy an ipad as an ebook reader and forsake my beloved printed materials (which is a cultural advancement in and of itself, i.e. the printing press). After long deliberation, and discussions with my pastor about my belief system, I became convinced the method of delivery doesn’t matter as long as the message stays the same. I even have my Bible on my ipad which was a hard decision for me, but I stay grounded in my belief no matter what innovation I’m using.<\/p>\n

That said, I think the answer to what to do about this cultural idea of outdating marriage is we, as Christians, the shining light we are called to be, one family at time need to stand firm in our beliefs in the midst of an evolving culture. We can help redeem this culture by living out our marriages and lives as God has shown us “in” the midst “of” a changing world. The shining difference will expose fallacy of this world’s logic on marriage.<\/p>\n

Don’t know if that made any sense, but while I agree with others’ comments that we need more ministries to teach us, we need to get out of the classroom at some point and get into this culture and shine some light of positive change. In other words, we need to apply what God has commanded us instead of conforming to the cultural current. Stay traditional in belief, but innovative in our methods. Things change and will continue to change. Unless we get in the current, as Moses did, keep the standards held high (even if it takes holding each others’ arms up) we will get lost in the crashing waves of this culture and become just a statistic.<\/p>\n

Marriage is the first institution God created, and a reflection of His own image. It’s time reflect this image outside the walls of our steeples.<\/p>\n

2.<\/strong> “Marriage” will NEVER die, because it is God’s idea, not ours. Its acceptance or rejection by our culture has more to do with how engaged God’s people are in the battle. Are we planted as bolders redirecting the stream of culture around us, or are we sand and pebbles flowing wherever the stream wishes to take us? Do we model strong marriage? Do we teach our children? Do we write, call, and vote? Do we mentor?<\/p>\n

3.<\/strong> I would like to comment on the article about the dying marriage. I come from a family of 6 kids. All 6 are married happily. The youngest of the 6 has been married for 27 years, and the oldest of my siblings is approaching 40 years of marriage. My parents were married for 43 years when my dad died of a massive heart attack. In the families of both of my parents, all of their siblings have had lifelong marriages with their spouses. That is, both on the mother’s side and father’s side.<\/p>\n

8 years ago, I lost my first wife of 26 years to cancer. I have again happily remarried, and we have enjoyed 7 years together, have adopted 2 foster children, and hope to retire soon and do mission work with the foster system.<\/p>\n

I believe with all my heart that underneath all the difficulties with marriage in today’s society, marriage is still alive and well.<\/p>\n

4.<\/strong> Marriage is under attack to be sure. The main reason it won’t die is that God instituted it and He knows that it is best for the people He created. Only He knows all of the reasons, but I can see some.<\/p>\n

The first is companionship. He knew that we needed someone who we have a deep friendship with, someone who is on our side and who we can communicate with. He said it wasn’t good for man to be alone and that he needed a HELP-MEET.\u00a0 We need someone who is on our team.<\/p>\n

Next He knew we needed stability. We need the security that a stable marriage offers. He said that a man should leave and CLEAVE that means to hold on to very tightly. When we know that this person is committed to us and we have committed to them we can relax and enjoy our lives together. We need to know that even when we are older and less attractive and even a bit grouchy this person will stay and accept us and love us because they have committed to do it and the Lord gives them that love.<\/p>\n

Of course, one of the main reasons is for the children. They need a mother and father who love them and each other and who can show them how to get along with another person even though that isn’t always fun or easy. Divorce is catastrophic for children, period. And that goes for children whose parents don’t marry (legally) and separate as well.<\/p>\n

Ok, the last one I will mention is that we need the commitment of marriage because it is in this relationship that iron sharpens iron and we learn to give and take and grow and love and to become the people that God is molding us to be. It is a crucible, as they say, where we learn to die to self and where we begin to be prepared for the life to come. Earth is the birthing place where souls begin their journey. Our life in Heaven is related to our life on earth and marriage is one major arena in which we are tested and purified and grow.<\/p>\n

So, it seems obvious now why the world outside of Christianity thinks that marriage is dying. The Lord made us to thrive in a world with marriage. But a large group of people don’t live their lives on God’s principles. They don’t see any value in growing or committing. They see only this life and what pleasure it has to offer them. Life just isn’t perfect or easy for even the richest and most beautiful people. But they are searching for that perfection. Eventually life will be emptiness for them because that is just the way it is, without the Lord. They will see their children self-destructing but then it will be too late.<\/p>\n

But I don’t believe that it will be this way for everyone. I know that the Lord is calling and working in people’s lives all the time. He is drawing them and we are a huge part of that plan. We need to let the Lord work in our marriages. We must keep our eyes on Him and submit to what He is doing and die to our own selfish will. The world will see Him shining through us, no matter what they say. We need to love all of those that the Lord has placed into our lives and be ready to give an answer when they ask us. We need to pray for the lost and confused and misguided with compassion and faith that the Lord has a plan. He will bring it to pass as we are yielded to Him and humble and trust Him.<\/p>\n

5.<\/strong> I think that marriage is a lot of hard work and most of us want to take the easy road. It is easy to not get married and to live however we want to. We don’t want to get married because we want to be in control of ourselves and our lives and not have someone else making any decisions for us. And if we feel that someone is trying to control us then we can just say bye-bye to them and hello to someone else who won’t give their opinion. It really is keeping people at arm’s length and not really letting them get any closer. We don’t want anyone to tell us any of their real opinions if it is negative towards us at all because we all want to live happy, easy lives. And we don’t want rules. We have grown up in a world that allows us to break rules if we want to, because the penalty is usually not great. We can be anything we want. We can be as successful as we want. We can live however we want. And no one wants to take responsibility for their actions any more. It is always someone else’s fault as to why we aren’t happy or why things didn’t work out the way we wanted them to. So, if I don’t get married and only keep people as long as I want them, then I won’t have to hear or see anything bad and I can live in my perfectly happy world and never face pain.<\/p>\n

This easy-street world is just not realistic. It is living in a fantasy world of total bliss. And though people will try this, I think they will end up alone because they didn’t invest in someone for their whole lives. I want to spend my life with 1 person who completes me. I want to be at the end of my life one day and know that my best friend is right beside me. My husband and I have been married for 7 years now and there have been several times where I wanted to throw in the towel. And honestly, it was my sisters who listened to me and then helped me realize the benefits of sticking with it. They showed me how God designed it. And it was them not just sitting there agreeing with me but standing up to me and saying what I didn’t want to hear at the time. But I am grateful for that. I have a great life with my husband and I want him to be there with me to the end. I want to stick it out, even though most people say, “Give up. You deserve better than this.”\u00a0 Honestly, I don’t deserve anything. But God has blessed me with a good man and I have to work hard at keeping the relationship good. I have to take responsibility for the success of it and not just point the finger at him. If we all give 100% then all of our marriages would work because we wouldn’t be relying on someone else to make it work.<\/p>\n

It really saddens me that our world thinks so negatively of marriage. Many men now get nervous about having children with women because they feel that women just want to have babies and then will leave them and collect child support. Our government does not support marriage, even if they have laws saying that marriage is only between a man and a woman. They make so many more benefits for single parents with children. You should get more benefits for sticking with someone and showing your children a good loving home, and showing them how to stay married for life through the good times and bad, than for giving up. We give benefits to those who have made a mess of their lives and penalize the ones that do the right thing. We need a Godly marriage revolution!<\/p>\n

6.<\/strong> I don’t think marriage is a dying institution. I think that it can appear that way because you mostly hear about the bad things. The news reports (and neighbors) gossip about divorces and the drama in relationships, not the great, successful, happy marriages that are out there. So do we hear about all the horrible things that can happen in relationships, absolutely. But do great marriages, HAPPY marriages exist? ABSOLUTELY!<\/p>\n

And as for the doctor, he should get out of his office more often. Of course he’s going to see unhappy people in his office, isn’t that why they’re there?!<\/p>\n

It is sad the number of marriages that end in divorce. I think most people lack a good example and the right tools to understand what marriage truly is (not the fairytale ending, we all see as kids) and how to make it work.<\/p>\n

Personally, my husband is AMAZING! And while neither of us is without fault, we both know that we are loved by the other no matter what. That kind of love and security is something that I would never want to live without.<\/p>\n

Marriage gets a bad rep these days, but I think it can be a wonderful way to share your life. It’s sad that so many will miss what marriage is, and in turn, miss out on the beauty of sharing your love and life with another, for as long as you both shall live.<\/p>\n

7.<\/strong> I think marriage is becoming a dying institution and it is quite sad. My father left my mother when I was 4 years old and I have not seen him since (I am now 38). I never knew what it was like to have a father, let alone see two people stick it out together for better or for worse. My mother decided not to remarry until my sister and I were out of the house. I have had many failed relationships because I had no idea what to do or what to expect. After reading tons of self-help books and praying I decided to get married in my mid-30’s. My husband and I are still married, and yes, we have had some really rough times but we are still together. He had a son out of wedlock when he was about 20 and the mother was 18 and they too knew little about relationships let alone how to raise a child. This child has grown up not knowing what it is like to have both parents present 24\/7. My husband left the mother when his child was very young. And, our marriage has taken a toll because I was the first one to get involved with the son and no one seemed to like that. Everyone was so used to just the “family” being involved in his life that they pretty much shunned me. This is regardless of the fact that the mother is now on her third child with her third man. Blended families know that is another can of worms resulting from lack of commitment and immediate gratification.<\/p>\n

I fear that the experiences during my childhood and that of my step-son are paving the way for a newly accepted set of guidelines for couples. My husband and I moved to the Mid-West from CA because of his work and I am grateful every day. The values out here are much different. People are more family oriented and seem more invested in their relationships and the impact that has on their children.<\/p>\n

I think that we can believe anything we want to believe. So, if we want to believe that it is easier not to get married then I am sure someone can convince themselves of that. It seems to me that everything is disposable these days and based off of instant gratification. People switch jobs repeatedly, have sex at a very early age, have children out of wedlock, divorce at the drop of the hat, and rack up thousands and thousands of dollars in debt just to keep up with the Joneses. What happened to taking the time to make sure you are with the right person, the right job, making sure your situation is the best for your child before YOU decide to bring them into the world, and what about saving money before you make that impulse purchase? Where does this sense of entitlement come from?<\/p>\n

Most of my life I have wondered what it would be like today if more people were happily married and children had more of a support system (less depression, less anxiety, etc.). It is sad that most children these days come from a dysfunctional childhood and it seems like the odds are against them because of it. Despite my upbringing I want to have a family (a husband and children) and I will teach my children that it isn’t as bad as some make it out to be. I don’t think we are evolving. I think we are becoming more barbaric. Two cliches I would like to reference: “No one\u00a0said life was easy,” and “The best things in life are worth working for.”<\/p>\n

8.<\/strong> I believe that marriage is facing some challenges; however I see it as the backbone of a vibrant and successful culture. When I look at the trend away from faithful, committed and lasting marriage I see it as a negative trend. Are those who say otherwise watching the classrooms of children crying out for a stable home? Do any of these five year on, five year off people see the number of daughters doing things in the dark because of the love they are missing at home.<\/p>\n

I had the horror of reading a fifth grader’s pain and anguish as he wrote about his parents’ divorce. There was nothing positive in his pain, nothing exciting or refreshing in wanting his parents, but having one parent this week and another one on the weekend, but not both together.<\/p>\n

Are we really serious that it is better to be in a non-committed relationship, where no rules exist, no commitment is made? Really! I think we need to focus more on marriage.\u00a0 We need to encourage people to stick it out, recognize how selfish we are and how much joy there is in the moments when a husband and wife come together.<\/p>\n

In my opinion there is nothing more exciting and joyful than knowing my dreams, emotions, fears, passion, love and intimacy are shared with one woman and hers with me.\u00a0 There is no other place as safe as our marriage and home.\u00a0 And though it is a journey and has its challenges, the rewards outweigh it all.<\/p>\n

9.<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Do you think marriage is a dying institution? <\/em>No<\/p>\n

Do you believe the weakening of marriage is a positive or negative trend, and why?<\/em> Definitely Negative.\u00a0It’s blessed of God; children need to see parents working through the differences they face not running away from them.\u00a0 Our culture lives in the NOW.\u00a0 Not happy in a marriage?\u00a0Can\u00a0get a divorce. Can’t\u00a0afford somethin? Charge it\u00a0on a credit card. Get pregnant? Can have an abortion. No\u00a0accountability for any of these things.<\/p>\n

What do you think should be done?<\/em> We need marriage. We need churches that believe in marriage and provide support to marriages. I think people need examples set before them of what marriage is and be honest about it.\u00a0 Before someone gets married (especially Christians) they need to have a counseling time with a pastor (who believes in the covenant of marriage), to spend time discussing what will take place and educating the couple of the trials they will face and giving them the tools how to handle the trials.\u00a0 Also, commitment needs to be in both husband and wife.\u00a0 Knowing my husband is committed to me as much as I’m committed to him, makes all the difference.\u00a0 We’ve been married for 18 years \u00a8We have had some serious struggles, but my husband and I pray together and ask God to be in our marriage and to help us.\u00a0 I love that man more than the day we wed, that is only God.<\/p>\n

10.<\/strong> July 2, 2011, we will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. By all accounts, our marriage should have ended years ago. I was just 17 and he was 21. He was a workaholic and alcoholic. He had low self-esteem and outrageous behaviors to hide it. He was a P.K. (pastor’s kid) and knew better but it was easier for him to have success at being ‘bad’ than to ever measure up to being ‘good.’ Getting back into church was good but there were ‘relapses.’ When he hit 40, his actions almost ended our marriage. Emptiness was my companion. An invitation for “Marriage Encounter ”\u00a0came in the mail and I threw it away thinking it was far too late. For some unknown reason, he picked it out of the trash and said we should go.<\/p>\n

I had a dream. I was in the bottom of a cold, damp, high stone tower. There were the remains of a fire on the dirt floor. I looked and there was a tiny spark left. I could hear my husband on the outside of the stone tower wanting to come in. I decided to blow on the spark ever so slowly to see if I could get the fire going again. I somehow understood that I would have to take the stone wall down from inside. If it were taken down from the outside it would crush me.<\/p>\n

My husband and I are both avid do-it-yourselfers and between us we can fix anything and\/or make anything. I realized one day that if I can take scraps and make a quilt, dirt and make a garden, wood and build a house….why can’t I take a very bad situation….scraps of a marriage and repair it? It took many months, even years for the pain to wear off. Then one day, I realized that we were a success story. My former pastor (he moved) said he has often (without our names) told the story of our marriage: the pain, the shame, the recovery.<\/p>\n

It was most definitely the Lord that got us through that terrible time. I questioned His ways concerning our marriage because everything had seemed so perfect. I was reminded of Job. I was angry at the Lord but very thankful for His mercy and patience with me. It was only when I acknowledged that His Plans for my life are the best plans that I sought and began to understand everything. There is no justification for sin; nevertheless, there is also no justification for retaliation. I tried to drink away the pain of the situation long after my husband apologized. One day I attempted suicide, but the gun locked and I heard His voice say “I didn’t bring you this far for you to end it.” Another day, with anger and tears I cried to the Lord and He placed a ‘whiteboard’ in front of my mind’s eye. Every word I thought went up on the whiteboard. I said \u00a1\u00b0I am acting this way because …. and I said my husband’s name and his sin but it wouldn’t write. Instead, oil came over the area that should have listed his name and his sin and the Lord said….’that’s been forgiven.” so I was left to stare at the words “I am acting like this because.” I knew I would have to stand for my actions alone…there was no excusing them by saying they were the result of someone else’s actions. It’s an awesome thing to stand before the Almighty Lord.<\/p>\n

The final outcome has been a closer walk with the Lord for both of us. Does it still pain me, yes, but more like the pain of losing my Dad in 2001. Dad and I had a special relationship. My mother was an abuser. But when I got saved, Dad wouldn’t listen to the fact that only Jesus provides the way of salvation. Finally he got saved, 30 years after I did. He lived four more years. Every time I think of him, I feel the loss but by the grace of God, I also know where he is and that overwhelms the loss with joy and peace. It is much the same with our marriage. If the thoughts of 1979 drag me back to the pain, I remember how the Destroyer tried to end our lives and our marriage. Then I am overwhelmed with His mercy and comfort that His plans made a way where there seemed to be no way.<\/p>\n

The additional result of going through such a terrible time is that we have learned:<\/p>\n