{"id":8604,"date":"2013-11-14T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-11-14T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=8604"},"modified":"2013-11-14T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"2013-11-14T00:00:00","slug":"coping-with-a-difficult-ex-spouse","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/divorce\/recovering-from-divorce\/coping-with-a-difficult-ex-spouse\/","title":{"rendered":"Coping With a Difficult Ex-Spouse"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"bsf_rt_marker\" fetchpriority=\"high\"><\/div>\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Wouldn\u2019t it be nice if adults could remember that parenting is not about them, and that it is about the children?&nbsp;Wouldn\u2019t it be wonderful if the pain of the broken personal relationships of the past could be kept separate from the practical parental concerns of the present?&nbsp;Wouldn\u2019t it be nice &#8230;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Yes, it would.&nbsp;But sometimes people aren\u2019t nice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Dealing with a difficult ex-spouse can be very discouraging and defeating.&nbsp;Yet we are called to continue trying to pursue good, to \u201cturn the other cheek,\u201d and \u201cwalk the extra mile.\u201d&nbsp;Hopefully the following tips can aid you in your efforts to cope:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>1.<\/strong> <strong>Be sure to notice your own part of the ongoing conflict.<\/strong>&nbsp;Christian ex-spouses, for example, often feel justified in their anger toward their irresponsible ex-spouses.&nbsp;It\u2019s easy, then, to also feel justified in your efforts to change him or her in whatever ways you feel are morally or practically necessary.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Unfortunately, this sense of \u201crightness\u201d often blinds good-hearted Christians from seeing just how their own behavior contributes to the ongoing cycle of conflict.&nbsp;Any time you try to change a difficult ex-spouse\u2014even if for understandable moral reasons\u2014you inadvertently invite hostility or a lack of cooperation in return.&nbsp;Learn to let go of what you can\u2019t change so you don\u2019t unknowingly keep the between-home power struggles alive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>2.<\/strong> <strong>Stepparents should communicate a non-threatening posture to the same-gender ex-spouse.&nbsp;<\/strong>An ex-wife, for example, may continue negativity because she is threatened by the presence of the new stepmother.&nbsp;It is helpful if the stepmother will communicate the following either by phone or e-mail: \u201cI just want you to know that I value your role with your children and I will never try to replace you.&nbsp;You are their mother and I\u2019m not.&nbsp;I will support your decisions with the children, have them to your house on time, and never talk badly about you to the children.&nbsp;You have my word on that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">This helps to alleviate the need of the biological mother to bad-mouth the stepparent or the new marriage in order to keep her children\u2019s loyalties.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>3.<\/strong> <strong>Keep your \u201cbusiness meetings\u201d impersonal to avoid excessive conflict.<\/strong>&nbsp;Face-to-face interaction has the most potential for conflict.&nbsp;Use the phone when possible or even leave a voicemail if personal communication erupts into arguments.&nbsp;Use e-mail or texts when possible.&nbsp;Keep children from being exposed to negative interaction when it\u2019s within your power.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>4.<\/strong> <strong>Use a script to help you through negotiations.\u00a0<\/strong>This strategy has helped thousands of parents.\u00a0Before making a phone call, take the time to write out your thoughts including what you\u2019ll say and not say.\u00a0Also, anticipate what the other might say that will hurt or anger you.\u00a0Stick to the business at hand and don\u2019t get hooked into old arguments that won\u2019t be solved with another fight.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>5.<\/strong><strong>&nbsp;<\/strong><strong>Whenever possible, agree with some aspect of what your ex-spouse is suggesting.<\/strong>&nbsp;This good business principle applies in parenting as well.&nbsp;Even if you disagree with the main point, find some common ground.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>6.<\/strong> <strong>Manage conversations by staying on matters of parenting.<\/strong>&nbsp;It is common for the conversations of \u201cangry associate\u201d co-parents to gravitate back toward negative personal matters of the past.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Actively work to keep conversations focused on the children.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If the conversation digresses to old marital junk, say something like, \u201cI\u2019d rather we discuss the schedule for this weekend.&nbsp;Where would you like to meet?\u201d If the other continues to shift the conversation back to hurtful matters assertively say, \u201cI\u2019m sorry.&nbsp;I\u2019m not interested in discussing us again.&nbsp;Let\u2019s try this again later when we can focus on the weekend schedule.\u201d&nbsp;Then, politely hang up the phone or walk away.&nbsp;Come back later and try again to stay on the parenting subject at hand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>7.<\/strong> <strong>When children have confusing or angry feelings toward your ex, don\u2019t capitalize on their hurt and berate the other parent.<\/strong>&nbsp;Listen and help them explore their hurt feelings.&nbsp;If you can\u2019t make positive statements about the other parent, strive for neutral ones.&nbsp;Let God\u2019s statutes offer any necessary indictments on a parent\u2019s behavior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>8.<\/strong> <strong>Remember that for children, choosing sides stinks!<\/strong>&nbsp;Children don\u2019t want to compare their parents or choose one over the other.&nbsp;They simply want your permission to love each of you.&nbsp;This is especially important when the two of you can\u2019t get along.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>9.&nbsp;<\/strong><strong>Wrestle with forgiveness.<\/strong>&nbsp;Hurt feelings from the past are the number one reason your ex\u2014<em>and you<\/em>\u2014overreact with one another.&nbsp;Do your part by striving to forgive your ex-spouse for the offenses of the past (and present).&nbsp;This will help you manage your emotions when dealing with him or her in the present.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>10.<\/strong> <strong>Work hard to respect the other parent and his or her household.<\/strong>&nbsp;For your kids\u2019 sake, find ways of being respectful even if you honestly can\u2019t respect your ex-spouse\u2019s lifestyle or choices.&nbsp;Do not personally criticize the ex-spouse, but don\u2019t make excuses for the behavior either.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><i>Copyright \u00a9 2013 by Ron L. Deal. 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