{"id":8603,"date":"2012-03-26T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2012-03-26T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=8603"},"modified":"2012-03-26T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"2012-03-26T00:00:00","slug":"when-life-hurts-understanding-children-and-disappointment","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/divorce\/realities-of-divorce\/when-life-hurts-understanding-children-and-disappointment\/","title":{"rendered":"When Life Hurts: Understanding Stepchildren and Disappointment"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"bsf_rt_marker\" fetchpriority=\"high\"><\/div><p>During dinner on his first date a few years after his divorce, Doug received a text message from his 12-year-old daughter, Danielle: <em>I know you don\u2019t want to talk to me anymore, but I want to tell you something\u2014have fun without me because I\u2019m all by myself now.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>After working with stepfamilies for over 15 years there is one truth of which I am sure: Adults in stepfamilies underestimate the loss experienced by children of divorce and how that loss affects their behavior.<\/p>\n<p>On the surface, Danielle\u2019s text message to her father might appear manipulative and hateful.\u00a0Instead, it should be viewed as a statement of sadness.\u00a0Danielle was again feeling fearful of another loss.\u00a0After all, she had already experienced her mother\u2019s infidelity, her parents ensuing divorce, and many other losses that are wrapped up in the disintegration of her family.\u00a0Why wouldn\u2019t she be hypersensitive to the possibility of another loss?<\/p>\n<p>The sadness of the present was joining with the sadness of the past resulting in feelings of desperation.\u00a0Restoring safety to her life was her only concern and a guilt-inducing text message was her way of trying to make that happen.<\/p>\n<h2>A multitude of losses<\/h2>\n<p>Children in stepfamilies have experienced a multitude of losses and difficult changes, and the death of a parent or a parental divorce is just the beginning. These can include:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Changes in school and church attendance.<\/li>\n<li>Loss of friendships.<\/li>\n<li>Change in family&#8217;s economic status.<\/li>\n<li>Embarrassment over the family&#8217;s problems.<\/li>\n<li>Lost contact with extended family.<\/li>\n<li>Loss of perceived control in life.<\/li>\n<li>Sharing a bedroom with stepsiblings.<\/li>\n<li>Learning new rules and routines in the home.<\/li>\n<li>Changes to the visitation schedule.<\/li>\n<li>Sharing a parent.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Before the wedding, children of single parents have complete access to their parent; when a parent begins to date (like Doug) or decides to marry, he is essentially asking the children to share him with someone else (and sometimes with the stepparent\u2019s children).\u00a0To a child who has already experienced great loss, this can be extremely anxiety-producing.\u00a0I once asked a 7-year-old what it felt like when her mother married her stepfather.\u00a0She said, \u201cIt\u2019s like when a friend knocks you down on the playground and runs off without you.\u201d<\/p>\n<h2>Hot and cold<\/h2>\n<p>Losses impact how children accept new steprelationships.\u00a0One stepfather contacted our ministry asking why his 9-year-old daughter was acting \u201chot then cold\u201d toward his stepmother.\u00a0One minute she would love to be with her stepmother and the next, she acted as if she wanted nothing to do with her.\u00a0One reason children act this way is that while new relationships bring many blessings, they also bring losses.\u00a0This creates confusion in the child\u2019s heart and it shows itself as \u201chot and cold\u201d responses.\u00a0Adults must learn not to take this personally and instead hear it as a statement of sadness.<\/p>\n<p>In my book <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/p-3625-the-smart-stepfamily.aspx\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em><\/a> I show parents the relationship between loss, fear, and resistance in children.\u00a0Loss brings the fear of more loss, which in turn brings resistance to new relationships (usually within the stepfamily).\u00a0Let me explain.\u00a0A child who says, \u201cYou\u2019re not my dad, I don\u2019t have to do what you say!\u201d is in part resisting the stepparent\u2019s authority, but he or she is\u00a0also making a statement of loss and sadness.\u00a0If we could listen beneath the child\u2019s angry attitude we might hear this:<\/p>\n<blockquote style=\"margin-right: 0px\"><p><em>No, I don\u2019t want to clean my room.\u00a0What right do you have to tell me to clean it?\u00a0You\u2019re not my dad.\u00a0Besides, if I cooperate I have to let you have authority in my life and to be honest, I didn\u2019t ask for that.\u00a0It was thrust upon me like every other tragedy in my life.\u00a0And furthermore, if I do let you in and my father finds out, he might be offended.\u00a0I won\u2019t hurt him.\u00a0I love him.\u00a0He\u2019s my dad\u2014and I wish he were here instead of you.\u00a0So, no, I\u2019m not going to cooperate.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2>Dealing with a child&#8217;s emotions<\/h2>\n<p>Resistance within children resulting from loss often shows itself as either anger, depression, isolation, a lack of cooperation, or in some extreme situations, rebellion.\u00a0It\u2019s very important that biological parents not allow a child\u2019s depression or anger, for example, to paralyze them from setting proper limits or giving punishment.\u00a0Even though their sadness is legitimate, a child who learns that yelling or guilt-messages keeps her parent from disciplining, is a child who will never stop using her sadness to control others in her life.<\/p>\n<p>At the same time, however, parents should not ignore a child\u2019s sadness.\u00a0Be sensitive to it and try to help the child give appropriate expressions of sadness.\u00a0One response to \u201cyou\u2019re not my dad\u201d would be to say:<\/p>\n<blockquote style=\"margin-right: 0px\"><p><em>You\u2019re right.\u00a0I\u2019m not.\u00a0But I am the adult here right now and you still have to clean your room.\u00a0It\u2019s your call; you can clean it yourself or we\u2019ll pay your sister to do it for you with your allowance.\u00a0By the way, I know it\u2019s tough not having your dad here.\u00a0I get that.\u00a0I\u2019m sorry.\u00a0Would you like to talk about that?\u00a0It won\u2019t hurt my feelings.\u00a0[If the parent is still living add] Perhaps I could take you to see him this weekend.\u00a0Would you like that?<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>There is so much going on inside a child that parents often do not hear.\u00a0Give careful consideration to the losses your children or stepchildren have experienced and try to be compassionate for their hurts.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><i>\u00a9 2013 by Ron L. Deal. \u00a0All rights reserved.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Children in stepfamilies have experienced a multitude of losses and difficulties, and the death of a parent or a parental divorce is just the beginning.\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":90,"featured_media":18298,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"Understanding Stepchildren and Disappointment %%sep%% %%sitename%%","_seopress_titles_desc":"Children in stepfamilies have experienced a multitude of losses and difficulties, and the death of a parent or a parental divorce is just the 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