{"id":8584,"date":"2014-01-28T12:35:00","date_gmt":"2014-01-28T18:35:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=8584"},"modified":"2014-01-28T12:35:00","modified_gmt":"2014-01-28T18:35:00","slug":"they-each-had-secrets","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/troubled-marriage\/saving-a-marriage\/they-each-had-secrets\/","title":{"rendered":"They Each Had Secrets"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

The pastor who married David and Tiffany predicted they would live on love for the first six months, and then figure it out from there. After all, as David explains, \u201cWe were crazy in love.\u201d<\/p>\n

But after just two or three years, that love started to wane. David and Tiffany each had secrets, and those secrets almost destroyed their marriage.<\/p>\n

When Tiffany met David in 1990 she thought of him as a godly young man. Although she told him about most of her past, she didn\u2019t mention her sexual activity in high school. She had convinced herself that it made her unlovable.<\/p>\n

\u201cAs we began dating,\u201d Tiffany says, \u201cDavid told me it was important for him to marry a virgin.\u201d When he asked Tiffany about this, she said she was saving herself for marriage.<\/p>\n

And David had a secret of his own. He hid a continuing battle with pornography from Tiffany. Eventually he quit trying to overcome it, rationalizing, \u201cIt was just part of me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Another woman<\/strong><\/h5>\n

David and Tiffany realized that they had some struggles in their young marriage.\u00a0But, they figured, didn\u2019t most couples?\u00a0They had some problems with intimacy. But what marriage was perfect? And they had their share of arguments. But didn\u2019t everyone?<\/p>\n

The problems and pressure increased when David lost his job, then accepted a position in another city.\u00a0This left Tiffany (who was also working full time) alone with two small children and a house that wouldn\u2019t sell.<\/p>\n

David\u2019s visits home became less and less frequent. Then someone sent Tiffany a letter describing how much time David and a female coworker were spending together. When Tiffany asked her husband about this, he became angry. He claimed he and the woman were only friends and told Tiffany that he longed to be with her and the kids.<\/p>\n

After four long months, the family was reunited when the house sold. But David didn\u2019t act like someone who longed to see his wife. Instead, he seldom talked to her, and wouldn\u2019t even look at or touch her. Tiffany was drowning in loneliness and wondered if David had some sort of secret.<\/p>\n

He often spent hours away from home after work saying he was going to a nearby hardware store. \u00a0\u201cI would try to lie in bed with David,\u201d she says, and \u201cduring that time he wouldn\u2019t even let his little toe touch me.\u201d Then she would get up and read, clean house, listen to music \u2026 and cry.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd when all else failed,\u201d she recalls, \u201cI decided to pray.\u201d As she did, she felt that God wanted her to confess her high school promiscuity to David. For years she had not told him the truth because she was fearful of his response.<\/p>\n

But finally she could keep her secret no longer. \u201cAs we lay in bed, I confessed my hidden sin to David,\u201d she says, \u201cand asked for his forgiveness.\u201d<\/p>\n

Confused<\/strong><\/h5>\n

David seemed furious. He told Tiffany that he didn\u2019t love her, and then stormed out of the house, saying he needed to \u201cdrive around.\u201d<\/p>\n

But David had a secret of his own. He had lied to Tiffany about his feelings for the woman at work. They weren\u2019t just friends; they were having an affair. And he wasn\u2019t just driving around; he was heading to her house.<\/p>\n

At this point, David says, he felt confused. On one hand he knew in his heart that he loved Tiffany and he was relieved to hear her confess. But on the other hand he was enjoying his affair. He felt so accepted and understood by the other woman.<\/p>\n

\u201cPart of me ached to extend forgiveness to Tiffany,\u201d he says, \u201cbut then again, this could be my \u2018perfect out.\u2019 I had Tiffany right where I wanted\u2014broken and with no excuse. … I could blame it all on her and just walk away.\u201d<\/p>\n

In desperation, a few days after Tiffany\u2019s confession he turned to his mother for advice. She had been divorced before marrying his dad. David thought that she might share some insight with him, especially since her first husband had been unfaithful.<\/p>\n

For the first time in his life, he asked his mom questions about her failed marriage: Did she want to get divorced? Had she ever considered getting remarried to her first husband? Inwardly, David was wondering if there was any hope for his own marriage relationship.<\/p>\n

After answering his questions she said, \u201cI don\u2019t know what\u2019s going on, but you two need to get it right.\u201d And then she offered to watch the grandkids overnight. David took his mom up on her offer and invited Tiffany to dinner.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe talked about almost everything,\u201d Tiffany says. David revealed his secret obsession with pornography; Tiffany quickly forgave him. And he told his wife that he forgave her for lying about her virginity; Tiffany was relieved. But he still said nothing about the other woman.<\/p>\n

Tiffany says that after she and David returned home that night, she quickly fell asleep. A few hours later, David woke her up and confessed his affair.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was devastated, but not surprised,\u201d Tiffany says. \u201cI was hurt, but not unprepared. I was ready to fight, not with David, but for<\/em> David\u2014for us!\u201d<\/p>\n

Getting help<\/strong><\/h5>\n

The following day, David and Tiffany made an appointment with a crisis counselor who gave them hope for their marriage. At the counselor\u2019s suggestion, they began reading a book about the differences between men and women. That began their path to healing.<\/p>\n

Tiffany\u2019s friends and family encouraged her not to give up on her marriage, and over time things began to improve. Tiffany and David once again started going to church together. They shared fun times as a couple, playing coed softball and volleyball. And they continued seeing a marriage counselor. They also met (both as a couple and individually) with a mentor couple and with a marriage and family minister from their church.<\/p>\n

David was advised to read the book Guard Your Heart<\/em> by Dr. Gary Rosberg. He says it helped him understand the huge gap between what he said his values were and how he was living them out.\u00a0\u201cIt opened my eyes to put some safeguards in place, some boundaries, to become the husband that God intended me to be.\u201d<\/p>\n

But there was still a problem: David just could not forgive himself. \u201cI could not move past all the carnage I brought upon myself.\u201d<\/p>\n

That changed one day when Tiffany sat by his side in a counselor\u2019s office, tears streaming down her face. She begged him to not only accept her forgiveness, but also to forgive himself and move forward in their marriage.<\/p>\n

The counselor explained to David that Jesus Christ had paid all of the debt for David\u2019s affair. Then the counselor tore up a piece of paper, saying that it represented the debt David owed Tiffany for the pain he had caused.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat visual illustration broke through my inner core,\u201d David says, \u201cAnd I began to really wake up and discover life again.\u201d<\/p>\n

Restored<\/strong><\/h5>\n

After David and Tiffany completely reconciled, they discovered FamilyLife Today\u00ae<\/sup><\/em>.<\/a> As they listened to the radio broadcasts, they realized that they had learned God\u2019s principles for marriage the hard way. \u201cOur marriage was not something to be easily trashed,\u201d David says. \u201cIt is a covenant, and not just between the two of us, but with God Himself.\u201d<\/p>\n

With God at the center of their restored relationship, there is no room for secrets. \u201cThey erode trust,\u201d David says. \u201cWe call them invisible stumbling blocks.\u201d<\/p>\n

Now, after almost two decades of marriage, Tiffany says she has never been so in love with her husband. And David is crazy in love with his wife!<\/p>\n

\n

Used with permission. Copyright \u00a9 2011 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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