{"id":8507,"date":"2012-06-19T16:28:00","date_gmt":"2012-06-19T21:28:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=8507"},"modified":"2012-06-19T16:28:00","modified_gmt":"2012-06-19T21:28:00","slug":"when-opposites-attract-in-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/marriage-challenges\/understanding-differences\/when-opposites-attract-in-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"When Opposites Attract in Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

According to legend, Emperor Huang Ti of China is reported to have said to his wife, Xi Ling Shi, “I have a problem. I notice that our mulberry trees are being damaged. I’d like for you to go and find out what’s wrong with them.”<\/p>\n

So the empress discovered that a small, drab-colored moth was laying eggs on the leaves. The tiny eggs would hatch into little worms, which after a few days would spin cocoons and damage the leaves.<\/p>\n

Wondering if she could destroy the little cocoons, she dropped one of them into a pot of boiling water. To her surprise, the cocoon began to slowly unwind. Soon she saw, glittering in the water, a silvery thread. Upon further inspection, the thread proved to be a half-mile long!<\/p>\n

Thus, through the process of solving a problem, Xi Ling Shi discovered something beautiful: silk.<\/p>\n

Likewise, when Dennis and I began to deal with some difficulties in our relationship early in our marriage, we discovered the beauty of acceptance.\u00a0A couple of things\u2014our differences and our personal insecurities\u2014were eating away at the joy of our relationship, much like those little worms had eaten away at the mulberry leaves.<\/p>\n

Discovering our differences<\/strong><\/h5>\n

The old adage that “opposites attract” was really true for us.\u00a0We were very different in many, many ways.\u00a0For instance, Dennis was impulsive.\u00a0He’d get an idea and, man, he’d be gone.\u00a0I, on the other hand, tend to be very disciplined.\u00a0I like to think things through and evaluate what we’re going to do before we act.\u00a0Often, during our first year of marriage, I found myself being left in Dennis’s dust.<\/p>\n

We also discovered other differences.\u00a0Dennis was expressive; I tended to be quiet and cautious about what I said.\u00a0Dennis wanted to spend money on fishing; I wanted to spend money on furniture.<\/p>\n

In addition, both of us lacked self-confidence in certain settings.\u00a0I was not good at meeting people at large social gatherings and tended to cling to Dennis.\u00a0And he had some weaknesses that his boss pointed out to us one day during lunch.\u00a0When I heard that, I remember thinking, Now what am I going to do with this information about my husband?<\/em><\/p>\n

Like Huang Ti, we began to realize that we had a problem, and we knew we needed to find a solution if we wanted our marriage to be secure and happy.<\/p>\n

Eye-openers<\/strong><\/h5>\n

We are not alone.\u00a0Like flies at a summer picnic, differences buzz in the ears of many couples, threatening to rob their relationship of its peaceful, accepting love.\u00a0As humorist Sam Levenson once said, “Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle!”\u00a0Someone else said, “Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.”\u00a0As you move past the honeymoon stage, all those differences\u2014those little “eye-openers”\u2014begin to affect your marriage.<\/p>\n

When the honeymoon fades and reality sets in, those unique things that once attracted you to your mate are often viewed as aggravating weaknesses.\u00a0As a result, you may be faced with several decisions.<\/p>\n

First, you must ask yourself, Will I continue to accept my spouse in this particular area of difference, or will I withdraw a portion of my acceptance, thereby driving a sliver of rejection between us?<\/em>\u00a0Ignoring the question doesn’t work because differences don’t go away.\u00a0If you can’t accept that annoying quality, you are actually rejecting your spouse (either silently or verbally), and his self-image will suffer.\u00a0Your only two options are to accept him or to reject him.<\/p>\n

If you choose to pursue acceptance, then another question arises:\u00a0How do I live with this difference? <\/em>\u00a0Here are some suggestions:<\/p>\n

1. Pray for yourself. <\/strong>Ask God to make you content with your spouse as he is.\u00a0Pray, too, that God will show you the positive sides of your spouse’s differences.<\/p>\n

As I mentioned earlier, Dennis and I are extreme opposites on the impulsive\/disciplined scale.\u00a0When we were first married, his impulsiveness tended to drive my disciplined nature crazy.\u00a0I felt that we had no order, no schedule, no budget, and no regular devotions.<\/p>\n

I remember praying diligently for God to change all the things in Dennis I didn’t like.\u00a0Then I realized what really needed to be changed was my attitude.<\/em>\u00a0God did change my perspective, and in time I began to see how much I needed Dennis’s spontaneity to balance my more rigid control.<\/p>\n

Ask God to examine your attitudes and your motives and to give you a greater capacity to understand, accept, and even appreciate your spouse’s differences.<\/p>\n

2. Talk about it with your spouse. <\/strong>Ask for the privilege of being heard.\u00a0Tell her you are not rejecting her and that you remain committed.\u00a0Assure her that she is loved, no matter what.<\/p>\n

One thing we have learned in our marriage is that we are teachable at some moments but not at others.\u00a0If you find that your spouse is not emotionally prepared to discuss a touchy issue, leave the subject alone.\u00a0Don’t try to force a confrontation.<\/p>\n

You also may discover that the territory you are about to encroach upon is marked:\u00a0NO TRESPASSING.\u00a0It may be off limits at this point in her life.\u00a0If so, be satisfied with exploring small bits of turf at a time.\u00a0Do not expect (or try) to cover the whole country in one evening.\u00a0Go slowly.<\/p>\n

If your spouse is willing to talk about a difference that is bothering you, share your feelings without accusing her and pointing the finger of blame.\u00a0Don’t be critical.\u00a0Let her know you realize that you’re not perfect and that you understand her, or want to understand her, in this area.\u00a0Realize, too, that we all have weaknesses or tendencies we will never completely conquer.\u00a0Because of our fallen nature, we’ll never achieve perfection until we reach heaven.<\/p>\n

If your spouse considers a difference to be a weakness, ask if you can help.\u00a0Then, at the end of your discussion, remind your spouse again of your commitment and acceptance.\u00a0We call this the “bookend principle.”\u00a0Just as bookends are used to prop up books that contain truth, so your reminders of love and complete acceptance at both ends of the discussion will support the truth of what you have said.\u00a0And it makes the truth a whole lot easier<\/em> to hear!<\/p>\n

3. Tutor your spouse (with his permission).\u00a0<\/strong>As a couple, we continue to assist one another in many areas, such as punctuality, patience, planning, feelings of discouragement, anger, and worry.\u00a0We have discovered that the many opposites that attracted us to each other when we were dating are the very things that have provided balance in our marriage.\u00a0Our differences have made us more effective as a couple than we ever could have been individually.<\/p>\n

If your spouse grants you permission to help, ask God for wisdom in how<\/em> to help.\u00a0Offer your assistance in such a way that your spouse experiences your acceptance and in no way senses rejection.<\/p>\n

4. Ignore certain differences.<\/strong>\u00a0Some of the annoying differences in your spouse may not be weaknesses.\u00a0Commit those differences to the Lord in prayer, asking Him to give you peace and contentment to live with them, even if your spouse never changes.\u00a0It is important to accept him as he is, without pressuring him to change.\u00a0Choose to ignore the differences that are off-limits and seemingly beyond change, and rejoice over the many benefits you enjoy because of your spouse\u2019s strengths.<\/p>\n

Unconditional commitment, unconditional love<\/strong><\/h5>\n

Our spouses need to hear words of commitment and acceptance from us, not just once but many, many times.\u00a0Tell your spouse often how much you love him.\u00a0Then tell him that you accept him just as he is.<\/p>\n

Each time a difficulty arises in your relationship\u2014a misunderstanding, a difference, or a clash of wills\u2014remind your spouse (even in the heat of battle, if necessary) that you intend to remain loyal to her. Assure her that your commitment will not change because of this particular situation.\u00a0Those infusions of truth will become the reinforcements you both need to work through difficulties in your marriage.\u00a0Total acceptance will motivate you to persevere.<\/p>\n

Also, tell your spouse occasionally that you’d choose to marry him again.\u00a0This declaration will give him value and approval and build his self-esteem.\u00a0It will remind him of the truth\u2014that he is accepted.<\/p>\n

\n

Reprinted by permission. Adapted excerpt from <\/em>Building Your Mate\u2019s Self-Esteem, Copyright \u00a9 1995 by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. Thomas Nelson, Inc. Nashville, Tennessee. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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