{"id":8477,"date":"2013-10-08T14:51:00","date_gmt":"2013-10-08T19:51:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=8477"},"modified":"2013-10-08T14:51:00","modified_gmt":"2013-10-08T19:51:00","slug":"coming-home-after-war","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/marriage-challenges\/military-marriage\/coming-home-after-war\/","title":{"rendered":"Coming Home After War"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Welcome home! You\u2019ve been away at war for some time now. Your tour of duty has ended. Now all you want is a return to normalcy. You\u2019re feeling a need to rest from being alert 24\/7. And your body wants to let go of the roller-coaster ride your emotions have been on since the day you knew that you would enter the battlefield.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But there\u2019s a problem. Your mind won\u2019t let you rest. It plays through everything you have just lived through. The worst part is it\u2019s as if you are right back in the thick of battle … every emotion, sound, and smell.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019re home where you are supposed to be safe. You know that the threat isn\u2019t real this time, yet the memories of past battles haunt you when you want nothing to do with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Welcome to the backlash of war. The side that affects everyone differently. It\u2019s due to a combination of searing adrenaline and the physical and emotional toll that occurs during the time of battle. These memories are now branded in your mind. They\u2019ve become a scar on your soul that you don\u2019t want to keep, but you don\u2019t know how to get rid of them. You want life to get back to the way it was before you went to war.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know where you are. I joined the U.S. Navy\u2019s Special Forces in 1981 and participated in 25 missions.  I have walked this road and continue to do so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Choosing to serve<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Let\u2019s go back to the beginning, when you chose to join the Armed Forces.  Whether you joined because you were drafted, decided it was your duty, or felt the need to serve, you still chose to step into harm\u2019s way and stand in the gap. You chose to act.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, I know that those who were drafted weren\u2019t given much of a choice, but there were still choices to be made. You could have rebelled or run away. So whatever led to your being in the military, you chose to serve.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You began with basic training, which probably felt like an insult to your ego. There you had to change your focus from yourself to that of the team. This change in your thinking was new, but necessary for your work in the military. Then you were given additional training for your specialty before being sent to your command unit, ready for whatever the military threw your way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The day eventually came when your unit received orders: You were going into combat. An anticipation of both fear and excitement gripped you. After your training you said, \u201cI\u2019m ready. This is what I prepared for.\u201d  You felt confident about yourself and the team.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the battlefield<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Your first battle came upon you like a lead ball in the pit of your gut. You kept questioning why you were there. Your senses were on edge, searching everything around you for anything that would give you a heads up. When a bullet whizzed by and someone screamed \u201cCover!\u201d you instinctively dove behind a tree or a wall.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You were scared out of your wits, and you hoped and fervently prayed that you wouldn\u2019t let your teammates down or get killed. That\u2019s when your training kicked in high gear and suddenly you became a spectator in your own body. You chose to do whatever you needed to do to get home; you willfully decided to kill.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Meanwhile, your mind took in all that was going on around you. The carnage was all too real. And then, in what seemed like a very short time, it was over. You had survived your first battle, and a new flood of emotions hit you. The crash of adrenalin made you feel sick and weak.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Already the next assignment had been decided and that\u2019s when a new reality hit you like a brick wall: You would have to do this many more times before you could go home. Your body and mind screamed, \u201cI need to decompress what just happened and rest.\u201d  But instead, you had to stuff your emotions and feelings and just think, \u201cI will just have to deal with them later.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This roller-coaster of emotions and feelings continued throughout your tour of combat duty. Each assignment built on the next. More emotions and feelings were stuffed into an imaginary trunk. Your attitude changed. You become hard lined about whom to share with and what you share; after all, they could be dead tomorrow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The loss of friends was the worst. And with each loss, you shut down even more. Soon you were simply enduring the time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Stepping back into your old role<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Then the orders came. Your unit was standing down and heading home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And then you were actually there, trying to get everything back to normal. Trying to show love to your wife and children; to feel their love in return.  But even the simplest task often became a major project. Why?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Be aware of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It\u2019s very real. You\u2019ve been through the wringer and have possibly been on multiple tours of duty. Have you dealt with the emotional baggage that is tearing you apart?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Perhaps your friends and loved ones have said, \u201cJust live life as you did before you left.\u201d This is completely unrealistic. You can\u2019t come home, bury half of yourself, and think you can live that way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Support groups may be of some assistance. Retelling the events of war may help you analyze what happened and bring clarity to why the events occurred the way they did. But the retelling can\u2019t bring about cleansing; only Christ can do that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Life won\u2019t get back to normal overnight. Don\u2019t try to step into your old role too fast. Although you\u2019ve returned as the leader of your home, you are not the same husband and dad your family knew. You may even find yourself trying to take control of the situation like a squad leader barking orders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Emotional grenades<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Are you charging at life\u2019s circumstances as if you are taking an enemy stronghold? Your home isn\u2019t a battlefield where physical life could end if you get it wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your wife and children are doing their best to understand why you are taking such a hard-line stance. So look at them with understanding. Listen to what they have to say. They are your family, not a squad of soldiers. Take the warrior off high alert and re-engage as the husband and dad your family needs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To do this you\u2019ll need to begin to unpack your trunk of stuffed emotions. They are working their way out onto your wife and children. While you were gone, your family found ways to cope without you. Now they want you back leading the home, but they question if this is possible. That\u2019s because you are emotionally \u201cgoing off the deep end\u201d at every little thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It might be because of the guilt you feel about living through your tour of duty when friends died. Or maybe you weren\u2019t home during some family crisis. Regardless of why you are going off the deep end, you may not be ready to lead your home at this time. But you can\u2019t keep throwing emotional grenades into your family bunker. If you don\u2019t stop doing this, you will all too soon become an enemy to your own family.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I understand what you are going through. Remember, I\u2019ve been there myself. But I promise, there is hope. You can heal from the trauma of war.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here are four steps that will not only help your health and well-being, but also that of your family:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1.  Deal with the misconception that \u201cI can reclaim my life as it was before I entered the Armed Forces and build from there.\u201d<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Unfortunately, the truth is you can\u2019t undo what has occurred.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You have been through a forge, reshaped and hardened for the task of defending this nation\u2019s interest. You are not the same man or woman you were before you joined the military, and you never will be that person again. It\u2019s better to destroy a lie than to keep hearing and believing it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But where are you going in this journey to healing? Let me share an illustration.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iron ore, when placed in a furnace, is melted into steel bars. The bars are reshaped and hardened for the task ahead by a master toolmaker or blacksmith. Although the steel can never become ore again, it will always be steel. And steel can be reshaped for a new task. For example, a K-bar knife can become a surgeon\u2019s scalpel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Right now you are like a piece of steel that needs to be reshaped and repurposed for the task ahead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Allow Jesus Christ to be the Master Smith of your life and the commander of your soul.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

So often we don\u2019t invite Jesus Christ (John 3:16-18) into the circumstances and predicaments that place a burden on us and stain our souls with guilt and shame. We\u2018re afraid to have Him open this part of our lives, because it\u2019s such a mess. Or, we think, \u201cHow can Christ bring healing to this area of my life when I\u2019ve destroyed so many others?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Redefine who you think God is. Joshua 5:14 states, \u201c \u2026  I am the commander of the army of the Lord. Now I have come \u2026 \u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And Revelations 19:11-13 says, \u201cThen I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war. His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on his head are many diadems, and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. He is clothed in a robe dipped in blood, and the name by which he is called is The Word of God.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Christ is no stranger to war or how it affects you. The only way to wholeness is through God\u2019s forgiveness through Jesus (Romans 6:23). Deciding to submit to the one who made you will be the power-making difference. If you are ready, submit to Jesus Christ. By doing this, God can start the process of reforming His steel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Are you ready to submit to the Master Smith?  To allow Him to reform His steel and set a new task for you?  This isn\u2019t some cookie-cutter experience; everyone\u2019s journey will be different. But Christ always makes a new creation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Set aside time to:<\/p>\n\n\n\n