{"id":84696,"date":"2019-07-01T13:06:03","date_gmt":"2019-07-01T18:06:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=84696"},"modified":"2019-07-01T13:06:03","modified_gmt":"2019-07-01T18:06:03","slug":"the-song-that-haunts-my-fatherhood","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/parenting\/essentials\/fathers\/the-song-that-haunts-my-fatherhood\/","title":{"rendered":"The Song That Haunts My Fatherhood"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>
\n

My child arrived just the other day<\/i><\/p>\n

He came to the world in the usual way<\/i><\/p>\n

But there were planes to catch and bills to pay<\/i><\/p>\n

He learned to walk while I was away<\/i><\/p>\n

And he was talkin’ ‘fore I knew it, and as he grew<\/i><\/p>\n

He’d say “I’m gonna be like you dad<\/i><\/p>\n

You know I’m gonna be like you.”<\/i><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

I was 7 years old in 1974 when Harry Chapin\u2019s \u201cCat\u2019s in the Cradle\u201d began playing incessantly on radio airwaves. I\u2019d listen to it from the backseat of our station wagon, memorizing more and more words each time it came on.<\/p>\n

Wanting more<\/h2>\n

Catchy from beginning to end with a great hook, it stuck in my mind easier than most songs. I identified with the boy in the song who just wanted his Dad\u2019s attention. Who wanted to be just like the main male in his life. I understood the Dad was busy and gone a lot, which made sense to me because my own Dad was busy and gone a lot.<\/p>\n

Obviously striking a chord in the American soul, the song went to No. 1 on the charts.<\/p>\n

And I sang it for years without coming close to understanding it.<\/p>\n

Swearing I’d be different<\/h2>\n

I passed through my 20s single and childless. Adult contemporary radio, suddenly an option in my postgrad years, reacquainted me with Chapin\u2019s iconic song.<\/p>\n

Now I listened and felt deep sadness\u2014and anger. Sad for the boy in the song who was gifted a ball but not the presence of his Dad. Sad for my own unmet longing to spend more time with my Dad, a successful high school football coach who loved me but found it easier to relate to other people\u2019s kids. Angry that I couldn\u2019t get back time that had been given to others. Angry that dads would choose to be away from their own kids for work. Who would do that?<\/p>\n

And I blindly committed in my heart that if I ever had kids, they would come first, no matter what.<\/p>\n

My first son, Erik, arrived just before my 33rd birthday. Three more children showed up during my 30s, right at the start of my vocational prime.<\/p>\n

With career vision, came more opportunity. Opportunity led to leadership, and leadership brought even more responsibility.<\/p>\n

Travel. Late meetings. Working at night and on weekends. Missing more and more activity in my own home, justified by a calling to help aide problems in other\u2019s homes.<\/p>\n

Not as different as I thought<\/h2>\n

During my first few parenting years, my work at home felt increasingly obligatory, necessary, and dutiful. Meanwhile, work outside the home felt validating, significant, and needed. Realities I\u2019d heard others talk about for years\u2014but now I was actually feeling<\/i> them.<\/p>\n

I stood in front of a vocational pile I hadn\u2019t known in my 20s. Every day the driven first-born in me tenaciously sought the bottom of it. As my house filled up with kids, my heart filled up with a desire to conquer the pile.<\/p>\n

The pile. It stared me down everyday\u2014hovering, beckoning, growing. Demanding resolution.<\/p>\n

Funny thing about that pile. In spite of my greatest efforts, it never got smaller. In spite of my devotion to make it the centerpiece of my scheduled life, it never relented, never quieted, never ceased in its quest to dominate my life.<\/p>\n

I found myself saying, \u201cAs soon as I get past this, then I\u2019ll be home more\u201d\u2014to myself, to my wife, and to my kids.<\/p>\n

And there was Chapin\u2019s song, whispering in the background of my memory, convicting me, haunting me, challenging me to see the clock ticking. His lyrics anxiously reminding, \u201cYou\u2019ll never get to the bottom of your pile! It only gets bigger. Anyone can dig in your pile just as fruitlessly as you, but no one else can be a father to your kids.\u201d <\/i><\/p>\n

I wasn\u2019t seeking insight. It happened almost by accident.<\/p>\n

Now I get it, Dad<\/h2>\n

I suddenly understood my Dad (who long ago apologized and more than made up for his own early parenting choices). I understood the fathers of my friends who were never around. I understood how work could feel more controllable and satisfying and worthy of my time than kids who were different and uncontrollable and didn\u2019t give words of gratitude for my attention.<\/p>\n

I got it. And I understood the choice that every working man and woman faces as kids become part of their scheduled life. Conflict in my own heart replaced judgment toward others.<\/p>\n

Andy Stanley argues in Choosing to Cheat<\/i> that it\u2019s impossible to give equal amounts of time to everything clamoring for our attention. Every day we must choose to \u201ccheat\u201d something or someone. The choices usually involve deciding between the demands of our family vs. the demands of others outside the home.<\/p>\n

Some days our family will lose and some days work or church or community will. But, he says, be sure that, on the whole, you\u2019ve chosen your family to get the best. They shouldn\u2019t feel they\u2019re living with leftovers all the time.<\/p>\n

Download a free 30-day guide to praying for your children.<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n

What do you want to gain?<\/h2>\n

In Mark 8:36, Jesus asked, \u201cWhat does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul?\u201d Before kids, I took that question seriously and adjusted my life accordingly, committing myself to ministry in the lives of others.<\/p>\n

But after kids, Harry Chapin\u2019s parallel question became just as significant to me as a Dad: \u201cWhat does it profit a man to gain the whole pile but lose his son?\u201d<\/p>\n

The scary and humbling truth<\/h2>\n

In 1981, Harry Chapin died at age 38 in a car wreck while driving on the Long Island Expressway. At the height of his popularity in the late 70s, Chapin stayed on the road 290 nights a year<\/a>. Stories circulated afterward that his wife Sandy chided him for being gone so much. His kids Jennifer (9) and Josh (8) needed him home, and he\u2019d recently promised to cut back on travel.<\/p>\n

When would he start heeding the words of his own song, Sandy asked, a song which he frequently admitted \u201cscares me to death\u201d?<\/p>\n

Forty-five years after first hearing the song, I\u2019m sitting in the front seat, driving my now 18-year-old son when \u201cCradle\u201d comes on the radio. He\u2019s a music buff and familiar with the words.<\/p>\n

It crosses my mind to ask him about it, but now I\u2019m<\/i> scared to death. \u201cWhat do you think about this song? Do you feel this way about our relationship? Did you feel like I was always choosing something else over you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Those are vulnerable questions to pose to our kids, but I need to know the truth. His answer\u2014\u201cDad, our relationship couldn\u2019t be more opposite from this song\u201d\u2014blessed me beyond measure. While certainly not perfect, I\u2019d chosen well enough with him to avoid the parenting regret I feared most.<\/p>\n

\u201cCat\u2019s in the Cradle\u201d haunts us because it\u2019s primarily about regret. Regret for time we can\u2019t get back. Regret for expressing too much love toward the wrong thing. Regret for the unintended consequences of a life more caught than taught. Regret for having scaled a ladder only to realize what we really wanted lay at the top of a different wall.<\/p>\n

Get it done today, dads<\/h2>\n

But in God\u2019s economy, regret can be both avoided (through wisdom) and redeemed (through repentance). Through the Cross, it\u2019s never too late to start doing the right thing.<\/p>\n

Are you a dad today? Then regardless of your age or theirs, you can still choose to cheat the pile and not your kids.<\/p>\n

Indeed, if you\u2019re still alive to read these words, you\u2019re still in position to heed Chapin\u2019s. And that\u2019s a grace from God worth acting on.<\/p>\n

\n

When you comin’ home son?<\/i><\/p>\n

I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son<\/i><\/p>\n

You know we’ll have a good time then.<\/i><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\n

Copyright \u00a9 2019 Ed Uszynski. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n

Ed Uszynski has a PhD in American culture studies. He and his wife Amy speak at the\u00a0Weekend to Remember getaway\u00ae<\/a>. You can find him on twitter\u00a0@Uszynski32<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As a kid, I identified with the boy in the song who wanted more of his Dad\u2019s attention. 30 years later, I was the dad leaving my son wanting more.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14950,"featured_media":85864,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"none","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"As a kid, I identified with the boy in the song who wanted more of his dad\u2019s attention. 30 years later, I was the father leaving my son wanting more.","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[2837],"tags":[],"equip-category":[],"cwp_profile":[3547],"class_list":["post-84696","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fathers","cwp_profile-ed-uszynski"],"acf":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2019\/06\/The-Song-That-Haunts-My-Fatherhood_1040x326.jpg","uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2019\/06\/The-Song-That-Haunts-My-Fatherhood_1040x326.jpg",1024,321,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"tlane@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/tlanefamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"As a kid, I identified with the boy in the song who wanted more of his Dad\u2019s attention. 30 years later, I was the dad leaving my son wanting more.","meta_box":{"_cloudsearch_visibility":"","profile_obj_manual_select":false,"profile_obj":false,"separator":false,"enable_link":false,"login_restricted":"","content_type":"","disclaimer_banner":"","currency":false,"pricing_subtext":false,"element_type":false,"date_field":false,"date_format":false,"theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":"","series":false,"ignore_sticky":false,"conditional_blocks_category":false,"cta_selection":false},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/84696","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/14950"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=84696"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/84696\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/85864"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=84696"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=84696"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=84696"},{"taxonomy":"equip-category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/equip-category?post=84696"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=84696"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}