{"id":8437,"date":"2012-03-26T13:01:00","date_gmt":"2012-03-26T19:01:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=8437"},"modified":"2012-03-26T13:01:00","modified_gmt":"2012-03-26T19:01:00","slug":"10-principles-for-talking-with-your-spouse-about-money","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/marriage-challenges\/finances\/10-principles-for-talking-with-your-spouse-about-money\/","title":{"rendered":"10 Principles for Talking With Your Spouse About Money"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

While I was at work one day I received a text message from my neighbor, Carlos Garcia, asking to schedule an urgent meeting with him and his wife, Elsa. The next morning we all met over coffee, and they described their predicament.<\/p>\n

Carlos explained, \u201cWe run into problems whenever we try to discuss money and how we\u2019re going to manage it. We both know we\u2019ve got to get beyond this because of our financial situation, but also for the sake of our marriage.\u201d<\/p>\n

Carlos had been raised by parents who never discussed money in front of their children. He tended to withdraw and refuse to talk if he sensed conflict.<\/p>\n

In contrast, Elsa\u2019s parents constantly fought over finances. She reacted angrily and aggressively to problems, especially when Carlos would not discuss their money situation at all.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m so glad you recognize the problem,\u201d I responded. \u201cYou can\u2019t have a great marriage and unity in your finances without developing some great communication. You\u2019ve heard the saying \u2018Every household divided against itself will not stand,\u2019 haven\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure,\u201d Elsa answered. \u201cAbraham Lincoln, right?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cActually, Jesus said it first; it\u2019s right here in the Bible.\u201d I showed them Matthew 12:25. \u201cThe key for not being divided is to communicate well with each other and to know what God says about money and marriage. Would you like to explore some principles to help you do that better?\u201d<\/p>\n

Carlos and Elsa both nodded.<\/p>\n

\u201cElsa,\u201d I began. \u201cWhat do you think are the biggest challenges Carlos faces in being able to interact with you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere are two areas he could improve on,\u201d she said, giving her husband a quick glance. First, he doesn\u2019t listen to me. He tunes me out whenever I want to talk about money, and this frustrates me. And second, he doesn\u2019t really tell me what he\u2019s thinking.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs that right?\u201d I asked Carlos.<\/p>\n

He sheepishly nodded his head. \u201cI can see where she gets that idea.\u201d<\/p>\n

The following communication principles helped Elsa and Carlos, and they can help you too.<\/p>\n

1. Listen.<\/h2>\n

The biggest step we can take to improve our communication with our spouse is to improve our listening skills. If we want our spouse to freely share with us, we must give undivided attention\u2014and that takes some effort! Maintaining eye contact may be unnerving, and the temptation to jump in while our partner is talking is really hard to resist. So often we don\u2019t really listen, but we\u2019re thinking of what kind of quick solution we can present as soon as the other person stops talking! Respectful listening is the key to understanding your spouse\u2019s feelings and needs.<\/p>\n

Elsa and Carlos were listening intently as I talked about these principles.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen your partner really listens to you,\u201d I continued, \u201cyou feel cared for and understood. Many couples talk at each other about money, but few talk in a way that allows both to safely reveal their true feelings.\u201d<\/p>\n

I told them that many conflicts result from our mistaken assumptions about what others really mean. We need to be asking as many questions as necessary until we understand the other\u2019s viewpoint. Asking questions is also a tangible way of demonstrating you care and want to understand what your spouse feels. And you want to ask patiently, of course, without interrupting. As you\u2019re working on your listening skills, you\u2019re building a foundation for cooperation in problem solving.<\/p>\n

2. Say what you mean.<\/h2>\n

\u201cDid you know that some people are afraid to expose their real feelings, even to their spouse?\u201d I asked the Garcias. \u201cSomeone might say, \u2018I don\u2019t want to use a budget because they are a hassle,\u2019 when what they really mean is, \u2018I\u2019m afraid a budget will stop me from spending what I want.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

I added that sharing honest feelings enables us to identify dif\u00adferences so we can talk through them. Doing so creates the kind of atmosphere it takes to grow a healthier marriage.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow, Carlos, we\u2019ve heard what Elsa feels are the biggest challenges in communicating with you. Now, what are your biggest challenges communicating with Elsa?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell,\u201d he said. \u201cIt just seems like she wants to talk about money when I\u2019m exhausted and don\u2019t feel like dealing with it.\u201d<\/p>\n

3. Pick the right time and place.<\/h2>\n

I had to think that one through for a moment. Then a verse from Scripture came to my mind. \u201cIn Ecclesiastes 3 it says, \u2018There is a time to be silent and a time to speak,\u2019\u201d I said. \u201cTurn off your phones, leave off the TV, and get away from any other distractions. Pick a time when you\u2019re not tired or stressed\u2014certainly not just after paying the bills! Be willing to say, \u2018I agree that this is important, but we need to wait until later to talk about it. Let\u2019s do it tomorrow after dinner.\u2019 And by the way, make sure you talk in person\u2014don\u2019t try to solve conflicts with e-mail or by texting. Neither of these allows you to observe each other\u2019s body language and heart, which is a huge part of communication.\u201d<\/p>\n

Carlos and Elsa both nodded their agreement.<\/p>\n

4. Be honest with one another.<\/h2>\n

\u201cAnything else, Carlos?\u201d I asked. \u201cAny other challenges you have about communicating with Elsa?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, this is kind of touchy, but she has the habit of buying things\u2014clothes and other stuff\u2014and hiding them from me. I feel like she\u2019s keeping secrets from me and I just can\u2019t trust what she\u2019ll do with our money.\u201d<\/p>\n

Carlos and Elsa\u2019s situation is not uncommon. Unfortunately, nearly 55 percent of couples hide financial assets from each other [USA Today<\/em>, April 28, 2006]. Some people think that deceiving their mate over spending or financial decisions is nothing more than a harmless secret, an innocent white lie, but it is deadly to the relationship.<\/p>\n

I told Elsa that \u201cone of the most damaging things you can do to your marriage is to be dishonest about money.\u201d<\/p>\n

5. Leave the baggage.<\/h2>\n

Sometimes our reluctance to talk about finances\u2014or our hesitation to be open and honest about what we\u2019re doing with money\u2014comes from patterns in our families as we were growing up. Further, if one or both of you have been previously married, there is a tendency to impose on your new spouse some of the emotional baggage of your former mate. If your previous spouse spent too much or was dishonest with money or was not a good provider\u2014do not presume your new partner will act similarly. Set aside any residue you have from your parents or from a previous marriage. Be careful not to distrust unfairly your new mate because of what happened in an earlier marriage.<\/p>\n

Grab our new online course on Financial Freedom for Couples!<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n

6. Go on \u201cmoney dates.\u201d<\/h2>\n

I suggest that married couples take a weekly money date\u2014it\u2019s something you can do at home or wherever you choose. Select an appropriate time during the week to focus on your finances by praying together, reviewing your income and spending for the week, and by celebrating the progress the Lord has enabled you to make.<\/p>\n

These weekly money dates are vital because they establish the habit of regular financial conversations when there is no crisis. Many couples don\u2019t begin a conversation about money unless a problem has surfaced and the panic button has already been punched.<\/p>\n

Tension can reach the boiling point in a hurry when blame and defensiveness take over. That\u2019s when it gets personal and hurtful, with a couple screaming at each other instead of working to resolve the problem.<\/p>\n

7. Pray together.<\/h2>\n

Praying together should be the first thing you do on your money date. Jesus makes this remarkable promise in Matthew 18:19-20: \u201cIf two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.\u201d<\/p>\n

When a couple prays together about their finances, they learn what is important to their mate, and they invite the God of the universe to be personally involved with their earning and spending.<\/p>\n

8. Enjoy humor.<\/h2>\n

There are times when we can become so consumed with problems, especially with finances, that we need to remind ourselves to lighten up. And enjoying the fun things of life and having a sense of humor certainly help us keep focus.<\/p>\n

God\u2019s gift of humor enables couples to share real-life incidents as well as private jokes that refresh a marriage. Healthy humor and shared experiences often help couples relieve stress and lighten communication.<\/p>\n

9. Seek your spouse\u2019s counsel.<\/h2>\n

The Bible tells us it is important to seek advice. Proverbs 19:20 says, \u201cListen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.\u201d The first person to consult is your spouse. Frankly, in the beginning of our marriage it was hard for me to seek Bev\u2019s counsel in financial matters. After all, she had no formal financial training. But I began to see that her wise advice saved us a great deal of money.<\/p>\n

Women tend to be gifted with a wonderfully sensitive and intuitive nature that is usually very accurate. Men tend to focus on the facts. Couples need each other to achieve the proper balance for an optimal decision. I believe the Lord honors the wife\u2019s role as helper to her husband. Many times the Lord communicates most clearly to the husband through his wife.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s important for husbands and wives to agree on financial decisions, because they both will experience the consequences. Even if their choice proves to be disastrous, their agreement protects their relationship by leaving no grounds for an \u201cI told you so\u201d response. When a couple seeks each other\u2019s advice, they actually are communicating, \u201cI love you. I respect you. I value your insight.\u201d<\/p>\n

10. Set goals.<\/h2>\n

Setting goals together is indispensable for great communication. I recommend that a couple take a weekend away to enjoy each other and identify their long-term goals. What do they most want to accomplish as individuals and as a couple? Discovering dreams and setting goals help you learn more about your mate and how to prioritize your spending.<\/p>\n

Effective goal setting begins by identifying long-term goals and then establishing shorter-term goals as intermediate steps. For example, if you know your ten-year goals, it will be easier for you to determine the goals you will need to accomplish this year.<\/p>\n

For a husband and wife who are both followers of Jesus Christ, this is a marvelous opportunity to invite the direction and counsel of God\u2019s Holy Spirit. James says, \u201cIf you want to know what God wants you to do, ask him, and he will gladly tell you, for he is always ready to give a bountiful supply of wisdom to all who ask him; he will not resent it\u201d (James 1:5 TLB).<\/p>\n

\n

Adapted with permission from<\/i> Money and Marriage God’s Way<\/a>, \u00a92009 <\/i>by Howard Dayton, Moody Publishers.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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