{"id":8185,"date":"2015-10-09T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2015-10-09T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=8185"},"modified":"2024-11-08T12:35:29","modified_gmt":"2024-11-08T17:35:29","slug":"why-do-we-keep-arguing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/staying-married\/resolving-conflict\/why-do-we-keep-arguing\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Do We Keep Arguing?"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

The simplest conflicts are the disagreements where one of you is just plain wrong<\/em>.\u00a0You got the facts wrong, or you forgot, or\u2014to be honest\u2014you just didn\u2019t care.\u00a0Though we sometimes fight even when we know we\u2019re wrong, our better side usually gets the best of us and sooner or later we own up to it.\u00a0Sorry about that, I was wrong, you were right.<\/em><\/p>\n

The more difficult conflicts are the ones in which you\u2019re both <\/em>right.\u00a0These disagreements are harder to resolve because neither one of you wants to let go\u2014but then, neither one of you needs to.\u00a0At its worst, conflict is when you demonstrate your selfishness, arrogance, and sheer mule-headedness.\u00a0But at its best, conflict is when you both express what you really believe in\u2014and, in the process, come to a better understanding of one another.<\/em><\/p>\n

Throughout our married life, we have often disagreed in our approach to raising our kids.\u00a0Joy thought our son should wear his bicycle helmet to simply ride around the block; Tim thought it was an unnecessary nuisance for such a short distance.\u00a0Joy thought we should remind the kids to take a jacket when they went out; Tim thought they should learn to remember for themselves, and a little frostbite just might do the trick.\u00a0Joy thought we should install Internet filtering software on our home computer to protect the kids from accidentally going to inappropriate sites; Tim thought the kids should know that the sites were there, but develop the self-control to not visit them.\u00a0At times, we seemed to disagree about everything<\/em>.<\/p>\n

A single fundamental difference<\/h2>\n

Over time, we began to realize that our individual disagreements were like the leaves on a tree, obscuring the trunk behind it.\u00a0Our disagreements about helmets and jackets and software were all the result of a single fundamental difference between us.\u00a0<\/em>When it came to the children, Joy instinctively placed their security above all else, and Tim instinctively valued their autonomy<\/em>\u2014their need to take risk in order to grow in confidence and capability.<\/p>\n

What could possibly be wrong with valuing a child\u2019s security?<\/p>\n

And what could be wrong with valuing a child\u2019s autonomy?<\/p>\n

The problem is that we\u2019re both <\/em>right.<\/p>\n

It took years of lengthy \u201cdiscussions\u201d before we finally realized two critical things: that we were not really battling about bicycle helmets and jackets and computers at all, and that we were really on the same side<\/em>.\u00a0We just chose different paths to a common goal: a mature and thriving child.<\/p>\n

Did we have other blind spots?<\/h2>\n

Once we understood that the issue of security was the underlying cause of many of our disagreements, we began to search for other hidden causes.\u00a0Was it possible that there were more fundamental issues like this, more instinctive blind spots that were the root of our other disagreements?<\/p>\n

Sure enough, others began to emerge, and after many more discussions we were finally able to identify seven fundamental differences between us.<\/p>\n

Then we began to discuss our conclusions with other couples and ask if they had observed a similar phenomenon in their own marriages.\u00a0We asked each couple, \u201cAre there recurring areas of conflict in your marriage\u2014areas that you seem to come back to over and over again?\u00a0Are there topics you can almost predict<\/em> you\u2019ll disagree on?\u201d\u00a0In each case, we encouraged them to try to identify what they were really<\/em> fighting about.<\/p>\n

To our surprise, we found that other couples had recurring disagreements over the very same seven issues we did.<\/p>\n

Our next step was to test our theory with a larger audience.\u00a0Over the next two years, as we traveled and spoke at marriage conferences across the country, we began to take a survey with our audiences.\u00a0We asked more than a thousand couples a series of questions about their own experiences with conflict, and wherever we went our findings were consistent. There seem to be seven common underlying issues that are the root cause of most of the conflict in married life.<\/p>\n

We call them security, loyalty, responsibility, caring, order, openness, and connection.<\/em><\/p>\n

One of us must be crazy<\/strong><\/h2>\n

By this time in your marriage, the two of you have probably negotiated and compromised on an exhausting number of minor preferences and desires.\u00a0But have you noticed that a handful of stubborn disagreements still remain, and that those issues seem to crop up again and again with discouraging regularity?\u00a0Like ancient Rome, all roads lead to them.\u00a0No matter what topic begins the disagreement, sooner or later you find yourselves on familiar ground.\u00a0\u201cOh no, not this<\/em> again!\u201d<\/p>\n

Recurring conflicts are a reality for all married couples, and they are a source of ongoing frustration and discouragement.\u00a0Their very existence is annoying.\u00a0Couples feel they should have resolved their differences by this time, and their failure to do so must mean something is wrong between them.<\/p>\n

Not at all.<\/p>\n

Couples often wonder if these unresolved issues reveal some secret weakness in their spouse or their marriage.\u00a0Each begins to suspect the other of immaturity, pride, or sheer pigheadedness.\u00a0They know that whenever the subject shifts to one of those <\/em>topics, there will be no resolution.\u00a0They will end up, as always, in an angry stalemate, burying the disagreement like toxic waste until it surfaces again another day.<\/p>\n

Understanding the differences that divide<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Aren\u2019t these hidden issues destined to be perpetual?\u00a0Because of our fundamental differences, aren\u2019t we doomed to repeat these disagreements over and over again in different forms?\u00a0And if they won\u2019t go away why bother to talk about them at all?<\/p>\n

The reason we need to talk about the issues of security, loyalty, responsibility, caring, order, openness and connection<\/em> is precisely because<\/em> they won\u2019t go away.\u00a0They\u2019re always there, and they always matter<\/em>.\u00a0Your different approaches to these issues represent much more than differences of opinion; it\u2019s a battle of dreams, and dreams die hard.<\/p>\n

If you feel like having Italian food for dinner but your mate prefers Chinese, you might be merely disappointed; but if you have a deep, pervasive longing to build a safe, secure home, and your mate is not cooperating, you\u2019ll be much more than disappointed.\u00a0When these seven underlying issues are simply avoided and left to fester, they can produce an underlying atmosphere of anger, bitterness, and resentment.<\/p>\n

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But if we do talk about them, since they\u2019re not going to just disappear, what can we really hope to accomplish?\u00a0Perhaps the best way to answer this question is by telling you what understanding these differences did for us<\/em>.<\/p>\n

1. Understanding our hidden issues helped us to identify our dreams.<\/h3>\n

Remember, dreams are often hidden issues.\u00a0It would be very helpful in a marriage if a husband would simply say to his wife, \u201cI should warn you that I\u2019m extremely sensitive about issues of Loyalty.\u00a0It\u2019s a dream of mine to have an unwaveringly loyal wife.\u201d<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, he may be consciously unaware of his sensitivity altogether; he might not even be aware of what loyalty really entails.\u00a0But just wait until the first argument about the in-laws\u2014then the dream will go to work, lurking in the background, fueling the anger and confusion and frustration.\u00a0The problem is that this husband and wife may go on forever believing that they\u2019re fighting about the in-laws, never recognizing that the underlying concern is really all about loyalty<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Identifying our underlying differences allows us to ignore the diversion created by a hundred minor disagreements and talk about the real issue.\u00a0\u201cWhat do you long for?\u00a0What is your mental image of how marriage ought to be? How do you think kids should be raised? \u00a0Tell me about your dreams.\u201d<\/p>\n

2. Understanding our hidden issues helped us to put our differences in perspective.<\/h3>\n

When it came to rearing the kids, one moment we thought that we disagreed about everything<\/em>, from allowances to curfews to appropriate forms of discipline.\u00a0Suddenly we understood that we only disagreed about one<\/em> thing, but that one issue influenced our approach to dozens of others.\u00a0That understanding alone changed our self-perception, from a couple who could never seem to agree, to a couple with only a handful of fundamental differences.\u00a0That change in perspective allowed us to shift our focus from the superficial symptoms to the underlying disease.<\/p>\n

3. Understanding our hidden issues helped us to understand each other\u2019s true motives.<\/h3>\n

Joy was concerned about the children\u2019s safety, but Tim didn\u2019t seem to care if they got hurt.\u00a0Tim wanted the kids to grow to independence, but Joy seemed to want to keep them tied to her apron strings.\u00a0The other\u2019s perspective seemed so selfish and short-sighted that it naturally produced anger in each of us.\u00a0Why don\u2019t you care what happens to the kids?<\/em>\u00a0We both cared, of course; we both wanted the best for the kids, but that was hard to believe.\u00a0Understanding the underlying conflict allowed us see the other\u2019s motives in a completely different light.<\/p>\n

4. Understanding our hidden issues helped us to anticipate conflicts before they occurred.<\/h3>\n

As we said earlier, couples learn which topics are most likely to generate a conflict and \u201crope off\u201d those areas as if they were minefields.\u00a0But the problem with a minefield is that the dangers lie buried, so the explosions are often unexpected.\u00a0We begin by discussing bicycle helmets, and before we know it, it\u2019s a full-fledged argument.\u00a0How did that<\/em> happen?<\/p>\n

Once we understood each other\u2019s underlying dreams, we could look for other issues that might be influenced by those same dreams.\u00a0That allowed us to take a proactive<\/em> approach to our differences rather than always having to clean up messes and bandage wounds later on.\u00a0We knew where we were likely to disagree, and we could be ready for it.<\/p>\n

5. Understanding our hidden issues helped us to work together as partners instead of battling as foes.<\/h3>\n

Once we understood each other\u2019s dreams, once we each realized what the other person was valuing, our attitudes changed.\u00a0We wanted to help fulfill the other\u2019s dreams rather than stubbornly defend our own turf.\u00a0That change in attitude has allowed us to work together as partners instead of constantly shouting at each other from opposite sides of the fence.<\/p>\n

Dreams die hard, but your dreams don\u2019t have to die at all.\u00a0The presence of conflict in your marriage is not a condemnation.\u00a0It simply means that you have dreams<\/em>\u2014that you are human beings and that there are things you long for, things you truly believe in.\u00a0The question is, how will you believe in them together<\/em>?\u00a0How will you honor each other\u2019s dreams, even when they sometimes conflict?\u00a0You know what to do when one of you is wrong; what will you do when both of you are right?<\/p>\n

\n

Adapted from<\/em> One of Us Must Be Crazy \u2026 And I\u2019m Pretty Sure It\u2019s You\u00a0by Tim and Joy Downs. Published by Moody Publishers, Chicago, Illinois \u00a92003, 2010 by Tim and Joy Downs. Used with permission.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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