{"id":8040,"date":"2012-03-14T17:41:00","date_gmt":"2012-03-14T17:41:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=8040"},"modified":"2012-03-14T17:41:00","modified_gmt":"2012-03-14T17:41:00","slug":"redefining-the-vow","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/staying-married\/commitment\/redefining-the-vow\/","title":{"rendered":"Redefining the Vow"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

January 30, 2012<\/p>\n

First of a three-part series.
\n<\/em><\/p>\n

Sometimes I can\u2019t help but wonder what marriage is going to look like in another 20 or 30 years. On one hand we celebrate marriage in our culture, and on the other hand we continually challenge, attack, and redefine it.<\/p>\n

The growing acceptance of cohabitation, for example, raises the question, \u201cIs marriage even necessary?\u201d The issue of gay marriage raises the question, \u201cWas marriage meant only for heterosexuals?\u201d And the issue of divorce leads people to ask, \u201cDo our marriage vows really mean anything?\u201d If you can redefine the marriage vows, you\u2019ve redefined marriage.<\/p>\n

Case in point: The Washington Post<\/em> recently featured a long article in its Sunday magazine titled, \u201cThe Vow: A family learns the true meaning of \u2018in sickness and in health.\u2019\u201d<\/a> The piece is very well-written, and it raises an important question: What obligation do you have to a spouse who has suffered a catastrophic health setback and is now a totally different person than the one you married<\/em>?<\/p>\n

Robert and Page Melton of Richmond, Virginia, married in 1995 and had two children over the next seven years. In 2003 Robert suffered a heart attack, followed just six days later by a stroke which left him with moderate-to-severe brain damage.<\/p>\n

He\u2019d had little physical impairment, but his cognitive loss was profound. He had severe language problems, couldn\u2019t sit still, was confused and frustrated to the point of violence. And he had no memory\u2014short- or long-term.\u00a0<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

At first Page cared for her husband at home, but after a few months doctors suggested that he would benefit from the regular help of experienced caregivers and from the routine of a qualified facility. Robert has lived ever since in an assisted-living facility, and his condition has stabilized and improved. Page visits him several times each week. But he\u2019s a fundamentally different person now.<\/p>\n

\u2026 within seconds of meeting him, it\u2019s clear his mind is impaired. It\u2019s hard to know how much he comprehends, even when he answers a question. Conversations are limited and disjointed.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

He sometimes latches onto the sounds of words rather than their meaning\u2014saying, \u201cGive my regards to Broadway,\u201d for instance, when he\u2019s told a friend \u201csends his regards.\u201d He often falls back on stock phrases or song lyrics.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

The most striking thing about Robert is his personality. Once reserved and a bit aloof, Robert today is talkative and exuberant. He seems to spill over with wide-eyed joy and gratitude. He calls everyone \u201cdarlin\u2019\u201d or \u201cbabe\u201d or \u201cbro.\u2019\u201d\u00a0<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

By 2008, Page had \u201cmade peace with her life.\u201d But then the story really gets interesting.<\/p>\n

She attended a college reunion and reconnected with Allan, who she\u2019s known since kindergarten. They began developing a friendship that turned into love. A turning point in the relationship occurred when Allan told Page that he realized that any future with her would have to include Robert.<\/p>\n

As he started falling in love with Page, he said to her: \u201cI see this responsibility that you have, and I want to help you with it. I understand this is a package deal.\u201d\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s what triggered the relationship,\u201d Page says. \u201cHe understood that Robert was central to our lives, that we needed to take care of him.\u201d\u00a0<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Still, Page says she felt guilty about the relationship because of the vows she had declared in her wedding\u2014to commit herself to Robert \u201cfor better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.\u201d Says Page, \u201cI believed my vows so strongly that they just kept ringing in my ears.\u201d<\/p>\n

Apparently her guilt was relieved when she talked with her minister, who told her that she was still honoring her vows as long as she cared for Robert. She talked with Robert and said she and Allan would like to get married, and he said, \u201cYou should marry him. He\u2019s a good guy.\u201d She also talked to Robert\u2019s brother and father, who gave their blessing.<\/p>\n

Last year she divorced Robert and married Allan, who included in his wedding vows a promise to \u201calways help you provide compassionate care for Robert.\u201d Page and her daughters moved to St. Louis to live with Allan, and they moved Robert into a facility in the same area.<\/p>\n

To many readers of the Post, this is a marvelous and uplifting love story. They praised Page and her new husband for remaining committed to Robert. \u201cWhat an amazing, inspirational story about exceptional people,\u201d one reader wrote. \u201cIt is one I will never forget, one of those tales that reaffirms one’s faith in humanity and in America.\u201d<\/p>\n

It\u2019s difficult not to be moved with compassion at the situation Page faced. And yet \u2026 there is also something very unsettling about her choices.<\/p>\n

It seems she has relieved her guilt about her wedding vows by redefining them. She feels she didn\u2019t break her vows by divorcing Robert because she continues to care for him. But that ceremony back in 1995 was not a friendship ceremony. It was a wedding\u2014she vowed to care for him \u201cin sickness and in health\u201d as his wedded wife \u201cuntil death do us part.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

\u00a9 2012 by FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Read parts two<\/a> and three<\/a> in this series.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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