{"id":8032,"date":"2017-12-06T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2017-12-06T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=8032"},"modified":"2017-12-06T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"2017-12-06T00:00:00","slug":"married-and-lonely","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/staying-married\/commitment\/married-and-lonely\/","title":{"rendered":"Are You Married and Lonely?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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If there’s one thing worse than a miserable, lonely single person, it’s a miserable, lonely married<\/em> person. The irony is that no husband or wife marries with the intention of being isolated from their spouse.<\/p>\n

Most people believe that marriage is the cure<\/em> for loneliness, but I want to warn you: You began battling the dreaded foe of isolation as soon as you drove off on your honeymoon. Isolation has reached epidemic proportions in the most intimate of human relationships. Isolation not only leads to divorce, but it also saps the strength from millions of marriages that still appear intact.<\/p>\n

I believe that isolation is Satan’s chief strategy for destroying marriage. Barbara and I feel its dividing tug in our relationship when we have disagreements and misunderstandings. Our busyness repeatedly invites its presence into our marriage.<\/p>\n

Like a terminal virus, isolation invades your marriage silently, slowly, and painlessly at first. By the time you become aware of its insidious effects, it can be too late. Your marriage can be disabled by boredom and apathy, and even die from emotional malnutrition and neglect.<\/p>\n

What is isolation?<\/h2>\n

The dictionary will tell you that isolation is “the condition of being alone separated, solitary, set apart,” but I like what our daughter Ashley said once when she slipped into my study to ask me what I was writing about.<\/p>\n

“Isolation,” I explained. “Do you know what that means?”<\/p>\n

“Oh,” our 10-year-old replied, “that’s when somebody excludes you.”<\/p>\n

Ashley’s answer is a profound observation on human relationships. When isolation infects a marriage, a husband and a wife exclude each other. When you’re excluded, you have a feeling of distance, a lack of closeness, and little real intimacy. You can share a bed, eat at the same dinner table, watch the same TV, share the same checking account, and parent the same children\u2014and still be alone. You may have sex, but you don’t have love. Talk, but you don’t communicate. Live together without sharing life.<\/p>\n

Because of the alarming number of couples in good marriages who are unaware of this problem, I must state forcefully a sobering truth: Every marriage will naturally move toward a state of isolation. Unless you lovingly, energetically nurture and maintain intimacy in your marriage, you will drift apart from your spouse.<\/em><\/p>\n

The soul was not created to live solo. We yearn for intimacy, and marriage is where we hope we’ll find it. The tragedy is that few couples achieve it.<\/p>\n

A typical story<\/h2>\n

Barbara and I have seen this death of hope occur in the marriage of some friends. In many ways their story is typical of many others.<\/p>\n

This couple enjoyed dating and were married in their early twenties. After a brief honeymoon, they packed up their belongings and moved to a new city. On the two-day drive to their new home, they began to notice their differences. She felt alone and apprehensive about their new life together; he felt puzzled that their conversation had dried up so quickly. Isolation had already begun.<\/p>\n

She took a demanding job, and he was promoted in his. Busyness and fatigue set in as they moved into the stream of everyday life. Instead of having companionship, they felt alone. She felt undiscovered, unknown. He felt uncared for.<\/p>\n

Initially, the birth of their first child seemed to bring them back together. Later, when she returned to her job, she adjusted her hours to maximize her time with the baby. Life became focused on the child. Their marriage wore down under the draining influence of isolation.<\/p>\n

She would bring up a problem. He would quickly deny it or say, “When this phase in our lives passes, things will get better.”<\/p>\n

Because their frequent spats became increasingly painful, each retreated and learned to feel safe that way. Both realized that life was smoother when they wore their masks, and they played the marriage game as if there wasn’t anything wrong.<\/p>\n

Although they seldom missed church, and no one who knew them would have guessed it, isolation had firmly entrenched itself in their marriage. Had this couple not attended a FamilyLife Weekend to Remember\u00ae<\/a> getaway, their marriage might have continued its spiral farther into isolation and, ultimately, divorce. But at the weekend they recognized they had a problem. They realized they needed to take steps toward oneness as a couple by biblically resolving conflict, listening to each other, and making God the Builder of their home.<\/p>\n

Telltale signs of isolation<\/h2>\n

As it happened with this young couple, isolation starts when husband and wife slowly drift apart in ways they may not recognize at first. Signs include the following:<\/p>\n