{"id":7916,"date":"2014-01-08T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2014-01-08T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=7916"},"modified":"2014-01-08T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"2014-01-08T00:00:00","slug":"5-lessons-ive-already-learned-as-a-new-husband","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/getting-married\/newlyweds\/5-lessons-ive-already-learned-as-a-new-husband\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Lessons I’ve Already Learned as a New Husband"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

Just over six months ago, I married the woman I\u2019d been dating off and on since I was 16. I feel like I\u2019ve learned a lot already, and over the past few months I\u2019ve jotted down five lessons on what it means to be a good leader and husband to my beautiful wife.<\/p>\n

I hope these lessons will be helpful to you as you seek to represent Jesus to your wife. Here they are, in no particular order:<\/p>\n

1. Be proactive, not reactive.<\/h2>\n

What it means:<\/em> Take the lead. Don\u2019t wait for your wife to guide the relationship. Don\u2019t react to what she wants\u2014provide a vision for the relationship.<\/p>\n

What it looks like:<\/em> My wife is a planner. I am a \u201cgo with the flow\u201d type of guy. However, part of leading and loving well means that I am proactive about planning the upcoming day and the week with my wife.<\/p>\n

Just this morning, as I was showering before work, I asked EA (Elizabeth Ann) to come into the bathroom. We talked about each night this week\u2014what we had going on and when we would make time to spend together. Six months ago, I would have kept all of that stuff in my head, or maybe I would not have even thought about it (until it was actually happening). Now that I know my wife better, I do my best to be proactive about planning the days and weeks with her.<\/p>\n

2. Talk less, act more.<\/h2>\n

What it means:<\/em> Don\u2019t talk about something until you\u2019ve already done it. The more you talk about something, the less likely it is to happen. Talking about it gives you the illusion of progress.<\/p>\n

What it looks like: <\/em>Guys like to brag about things. They like to talk about things they either did in the \u201cglory days\u201d or things they will do \u201csome day\u201d when \u201cI finally get the time.\u201d Enough. Women don\u2019t need more men with big mouths. Just shut up and do it.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s an example: I\u2019ve made it a goal of mine to always make sure that my wife has gas in her car. And I\u2019m always asking her, \u201cHey, do you need gas?\u201d or saying, \u201cLet\u2019s take your car tonight, so I can put gas in it.\u201d<\/p>\n

I am really bad about keeping my wife\u2019s car gassed up.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s how I could fix that: When I get home from work, grab her keys, say, \u201cI\u2019ll be right back,\u201d and then go put gas in her car. Maybe she doesn\u2019t need it. Maybe I\u2019ll only end up putting two dollars worth in. But you know what? I did it. And I have a feeling that the more I do it, the more it will become a pattern, and the less I will end up talking or even having to think about it. It\u2019ll be second nature.<\/p>\n

What are some things that you\u2019d like to do for your wife that you need to just start doing?<\/p>\n

3. Engage, not escape.<\/h2>\n

What it means:<\/em> Engage in meaningful conflict. Seek the good of your wife. Stay focused on the end goal of the argument.<\/p>\n

What it looks like:<\/em> My wife is an external processor. I am an internal processor. Translation: She likes to talk through things; I like to go away and think for a while, then come back and talk once I\u2019ve got it all figured out. Just a few months ago, whenever EA and I would get in a disagreement, my tendency would be to shut down and completely lock up emotionally. This would send my wife even further into a tailspin. It was pretty ugly.<\/p>\n

But here\u2019s the thing about being married: You have<\/em> to resolve conflict. You\u2019re stuck together. So you\u2019ve got to figure out how to have conflict. Meaningful conflict. Conflict that benefits your relationship, instead of tearing it apart.<\/p>\n

Now when I get frustrated, instead of locking up, I gently and lovingly express what I\u2019m thinking and feeling to EA and we go from there.<\/p>\n

A big key here is to ask clarifying questions. Make sure you\u2019re hearing each other correctly. Really listen to each other. Remember that you\u2019re on the same team, and that Satan wants to tear you apart. Be radically committed to keeping him from making that happen.<\/p>\n

4. Create, not complain.<\/h2>\n

What it means:<\/em> If you don\u2019t like something, change it. Don\u2019t complain about it unless you\u2019re willing to do something about it. Create solutions instead of talking about problems.<\/p>\n

What it looks like:<\/em> Anybody can complain. Anybody can criticize. Anybody can cut something down. The courage lies with the creator.<\/p>\n

Genesis 1:1 says, \u201cIn the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.\u201d The very first verse of the Bible shows God as a creator. We were made in God\u2019s image. What does that say about us? Be strong and courageous. Step out on a limb and create something new, rather than \u201csitting in the seat of mockers\u201d (Psalm 1).<\/p>\n

How does this apply to your marriage? Well, here\u2019s one real obvious scenario: when you don\u2019t like what your wife has made for dinner.<\/p>\n

Yes, I\u2019m really suggesting this \u2026 why don\u2019t you cook dinner for once? Why don\u2019t you try your hand in the kitchen? Create a meal. Then sit under your wife\u2019s scrutinizing taste buds.<\/p>\n

EA and I generally make brunch together every Saturday. All I\u2019m doing is frying eggs and bacon, but we have a blast (and it\u2019s always delicious).<\/p>\n

Why not give it a try?<\/p>\n

5. Be confident \u2026 and humble.<\/h2>\n

What it means:<\/em> Don\u2019t be so overtaken by humility that you lack the gumption to lead. And don\u2019t be so overtaken with confidence that you become an arrogant jerk. Find the balance and live there.<\/p>\n

What it looks like:<\/em> Some guys are all humility. They slink back into the shadows and defer to others and never take any credit for the work they do. They\u2019re \u201cnice guys.\u201d They\u2019re tender and kind and loving and smart. Whenever people mention them in a group setting, everyone says, \u201cAw, what a nice guy he is.\u201d<\/p>\n

Other guys are all confidence. They\u2019re macho men who eat barbecue, pizza, and burgers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They watch football, go hunting, and carry around boulders on their backs for fun. They\u2019re tough and manly and have Sherwood Forest growing on their chests (and backs).<\/p>\n

It\u2019s essential that you learn to cultivate both sides of healthy, biblical manhood: the tough and the tender. Stu Weber calls this being a \u201ctender warrior.\u201d Strong, but gentle. Tough, but kind. Protector, and lover. Not one or the other, but both!<\/p>\n

How does this apply to your marriage? Mostly in conflict. Men like to fix things. But usually that\u2019s not what a woman needs. She needs you to be tender and loving, to hold her and tell her you love her (yes, even if all you want to do is say, \u201cIf you would just do it this way everything would work out fine\u201d).<\/p>\n

EA and I learned this lesson on Christmas Eve, when I used the word \u201cnagging\u201d to refer to her in a joking context. She didn\u2019t think it was funny.<\/p>\n

We talked, and I tried to explain that I didn\u2019t mean it the way she had perceived. I was steadfast and adamant about making sure everything was clear.<\/p>\n

But she didn\u2019t care about that. She wanted to know that I heard her and loved her, and she wanted me to hold her. And I couldn\u2019t get that through my thick brain.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s room for both, men. Meet your wife where she is, and then take the opportunity to clear things up, learn from it and move on.<\/p>\n

First Corinthians 16:13-14 tells us, \u201cBe watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.\u201d Why don\u2019t you write that verse on a piece of paper and tape it to your bathroom mirror? Read it every day for the next week. Pray that God will continue to mold you into a man after His own heart.<\/p>\n

Whether you\u2019re six months or 60 years into your marriage, God can and will continue to teach you about how to become the man He wants you to be \u2026 in your marriage and in every other aspect of life.<\/p>\n

\n

Copyright \u00a9 2013 by James Lepine. All rights reserved. Used by permission.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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