{"id":7909,"date":"2012-04-19T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2012-04-19T05:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=7909"},"modified":"2012-04-19T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"2012-04-19T05:00:00","slug":"the-ring-makes-all-the-difference","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/getting-married\/engagements-and-weddings\/the-ring-makes-all-the-difference\/","title":{"rendered":"The Ring Makes All the Difference"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

All relationship forms are not created equal.<\/p>\n

Cohabitation is not a junior, apprentice form of marriage.
\nCohabitation is not an on-ramp to marriage.
\nCohabitation is not marriage\u2019s spring training.
\nCohabitation is not marriage-lite.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Cohabitation is just \u201cmoving in together\u201d so we can save some money on rent, spend more time together, and see how the relationship works out.<\/p>\n

Marriage is an action, a decision, a statement.<\/p>\n

Marriage is giving our all to another and stepping up and proclaiming it to the community of people around us.\u00a0 And that commitment makes us different kinds of people, different partners, different parents.\u00a0 It says we are clearly for another, or at least that\u2019s what the others around us\u2014those who witnessed our exchange of vows\u2014expect of us.\u00a0 Marriage demands something of us.\u00a0 And this expectation makes us act differently.<\/p>\n

Marriage is definitive.\u00a0 Marriage is absolute.\u00a0 Marriage leads us into new worlds\u2014and it closes off others.<\/p>\n

This is the virtue of marriage.\u00a0 This is why marriage makes real, measurable differences in our lives.<\/p>\n

Marriage is so much more than we tend to think it is.<\/p>\n

Marriage is more than the wedding<\/h2>\n

Too many young couples today act as if the wedding is what marriage is primarily about, rather than just simply the doors a couple passes through on their way into matrimony.\u00a0 Researchers and journalists who talk to young couples about why they are delaying their marriage find these couples often explain they aren\u2019t marrying because they can\u2019t yet afford a wedding.<\/p>\n

To listen to these young folks, mostly the women, one would think their pastor or the clerk at City Hall will reject their application for a marriage license because they can\u2019t spend at least $10,000 on their wedding.<\/p>\n

When Jackie and I got married in 1982, big weddings were as much the craze as they are today.\u00a0 But we were two kids who had fallen in love in high school and wanted to get married as soon as we could.\u00a0 Our wedding probably cost $800, including rings, Jackie\u2019s dress, and my dorky white tux.\u00a0 No one told us we were dishonoring marriage.<\/p>\n

We were, however, honored by the number of people who told us that night and afterward that it was one of the most beautiful weddings they had ever attended.\u00a0 It certainly wasn\u2019t because we put on an impressive party on such a tight budget.\u00a0 It was because our wedding was the simple, honest celebration of the commitment two young people were making to one another.\u00a0 Today, we would describe it as \u201corganic.\u201d\u00a0 Then, we just didn\u2019t have much money.\u00a0 Less was more.\u00a0 It had to be.<\/p>\n

There is absolutely no research showing that couples who drop a gigantic wad on a wedding bash have longer, happier marriages than those who don\u2019t.\u00a0 In fact, those who think the ceremony is the big thing probably end up less satisfied in their marriages.\u00a0 They are focused on the frosting rather than the cake.\u00a0 Those who invest themselves in the marriage that comes after the wedding are investing in something that really matters.\u00a0 And it will pay serious dividends in the form of contentment, intimacy, support, love, and genuine happiness.<\/p>\n

I saw a billboard on the interstate some years ago with an important message:<\/p>\n

\u201cLoved the wedding! Now, invite Me to the marriage!\u201d\u2014God<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

It\u2019s a good message for all couples planning their wedding.<\/p>\n

Marriage is more than getting a soul mate<\/h2>\n

I am not a fan of the soul mate concept of marriage.\u00a0 You see this idea in commercials for certain online dating services.\u00a0 \u201cWe will help you find the spouse of your dreams \u2026\u201d they claim.\u00a0 Do I think they should help you find the match of your nightmares?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 But this \u201cI want to marry my soul mate\u201d idea of marriage gets it wrong on two important levels.<\/p>\n

First, marriage is not like a shopping trip where we scan the aisles looking for that perfect something we need to complete some need in our life.\u00a0 A spouse is not a consumer product we shop for to fulfill us in just the right way.<\/p>\n

Second, marriage is not so much about us and our needs and wishes.\u00a0 The soul mate idea of marriage makes it about us\u2014and turns our spouse into something that suits us, for us.\u00a0 And when this person reveals their human flaws to us in the intimate microscope of marriage, we become prone to wonder if this imperfect person is really the God-given soul mate we thought we were getting.\u00a0 It happened with the first two humans.\u00a0 And it has happened with most couples since.<\/p>\n

So should husbands and wives not be soul mates?\u00a0 It is not a question of whether\u00a0but when!\u00a0 Find any couple successfully married 30 years or more and ask about their spouse as their soul mate.\u00a0 Then ask if their spouse was their soul mate from day one.\u00a0 They will most likely laugh.\u00a0 You see, we don\u2019t marry our soul mate.\u00a0 We marry the person whose soul mate we want to become.\u00a0 And the key word is become.\u00a0 The soul mate status of a relationship usually takes time\u2014sometimes a great deal of time.\u00a0 And only after many bumps in the road.\u00a0 Marriage doesn\u2019t give a soul mate, it makes a soul mate: out of us\u2014and out of our spouse.\u00a0 And these soul mates are the best kind.<\/p>\n

Marriage is more than \u201chappily ever after\u201d<\/h2>\n

Where have you heard the line \u201cand they lived happily ever after\u201d?\u00a0 It\u2019s not announced by the pastor as the newly-married couple walks down the aisle.\u00a0 We hear it only in fairy tales.<\/p>\n

Did I just throw a big cup of cold water in someone\u2019s face about happiness and marriage?\u00a0 Not at all!\u00a0 Married people tend to be happier on a wide scale of measurements\u2014more so than people who are single, dating, cohabiting, or divorced.\u00a0 Married people enjoy very high levels of happiness.\u00a0 But they don\u2019t enjoy constant happiness.<\/p>\n

Marriage has its struggles, hardships, and heartaches.\u00a0 Again, find any couple married 30-plus years and ask if they have lived \u201chappily ever after.\u201d\u00a0 If you ask my wife and me (we\u2019ve been married almost 30 years), we would look at each other with knowing smiles and answer, \u201cFor the most part!\u201d\u00a0 But our marriage, like all marriages, has gone through some very difficult times.<\/p>\n

Marriage is a joy, but it is also hard work.\u00a0 This is one of its strengths.\u00a0 As one man told me about his own marriage, \u201cThere are days I feel I could trade my wife for a warm Diet Coke; but those are rare.\u00a0 Most days she is the greatest thing going!\u201d<\/p>\n

These less-than-happily-ever-after days make us better people\u2014and make the good days more fulfilling.\u00a0 This is one of the reasons marriage makes us better people: It compels us to hang in there through the rough times and see it through.\u00a0 To try to do better next time.<\/p>\n

Marriage can be compared to wise retirement investing.\u00a0 Pick a good stock.\u00a0 Stick with it through the highs and lows.\u00a0 Make substantial, regular, and occasionally even painful contributions to it over a lifetime.\u00a0 You will find over time that you have a greater treasure than you could have imagined.<\/p>\n

Marriage is more than about you<\/h2>\n

Marriage tends to produce more happiness in our lives than any other adult relationship.\u00a0 There is a reason for this.\u00a0 It has to do with the unique nature of marriage\u2014the commitment it demands.<\/p>\n

Happiness is never a destination we can run straight toward.\u00a0 We can\u2019t pursue it directly.\u00a0 In fact, those who put a great deal of energy into seeking happiness are the ones less likely to find it.\u00a0 The happiest people are typically busy doing other things.\u00a0 And marriage is a strong route to happiness because in marriage we gain the opportunity\u2014even the privilege\u2014to live for and serve others.\u00a0 This means first and foremost our spouse, then our spouse\u2019s extended family as they enter our life and we learn to love them, and then our children.<\/p>\n

Marriage increases our happiness because marriage is more likely than any other relationship to make us live for others.\u00a0 Marriage keeps doing this in my life.\u00a0 And those who know me best know that I too often fail.\u00a0 It makes me struggle.\u00a0 It makes me work harder to be more giving.\u00a0 But this work also makes me happier.<\/p>\n

Marriage had this effect on most of us.<\/p>\n

The first chapters of Genesis teach us that the first two humans became husband and wife before they became anything else.\u00a0 This was God\u2019s plan\u2014and delight\u2014for them.<\/p>\n

Marriage builds a relationship like no other.\u00a0 It makes a difference.\u00a0 And that difference is very good.<\/p>\n

Marriage is more.\u00a0 Don\u2019t settle for less.<\/p>\n

\n

Adapted from The Ring Makes All the Difference by Glenn T. Stanton. Published by Moody Publishers. Copyright \u00a9 2011 by Glenn T. Stanton. Used with permission.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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