{"id":7891,"date":"2012-03-28T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2012-03-28T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/?p=7891"},"modified":"2025-07-07T12:47:42","modified_gmt":"2025-07-07T16:47:42","slug":"5-things-i-wish-id-known-before-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/getting-married\/engagements-and-weddings\/5-things-i-wish-id-known-before-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Things I Wish I’d Known Before Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

How much did you know about marriage before you tied the knot?<\/p>\n

Merry and I thought we knew a lot. As we prepared for our marriage, we went through counseling and got a lot of good advice. We read books. \u00a0We attended one of FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember<\/a> getaways to learn about God’s plan for marriage.<\/p>\n

But there are some important things that we did not fully understand. So if I were talking with a premarried couple, here\u2019s what I\u2019d tell them about the \u201c5 Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Married\u201d:<\/p>\n

#1: Marriage is not all about you.<\/strong><\/h2>\n

It\u2019s not about your happiness and self-fulfillment. It\u2019s not about getting your needs met. It\u2019s about going through life together and serving God together and serving each other. It\u2019s about establishing a family. It\u2019s about committing your lives to each other even though you may be very different in 10, 20, or 40 years from the people you are now.<\/p>\n

#2: You are about to learn a painful lesson\u2014you are both very selfish people.<\/strong><\/h2>\n

This may be difficult to comprehend during the happy and hazy days of courtship, but it\u2019s true, and it shocks many couples during their first years of marriage. It\u2019s important to know this revelation of selfishness is coming, because then you can make adjustments for it, and you will be a lot better off.<\/p>\n

#3: The person you love the most is also the person who can hurt you the deepest.<\/strong><\/h2>\n

That\u2019s the risk and pain of marriage. And the beauty of marriage is working through your hurt and pain and resolving your conflicts and solving your problems.<\/p>\n

#4: You can\u2019t make it work on your own.<\/strong><\/h2>\n

It\u2019s obvious that marriage is difficult\u2014just look at how many couples today end in divorce. This is why it\u2019s so critical to center your lives and your marriage on the God who created marriage.\u00a0To make your marriage last for a lifetime, you need to rely on God for the power and love and strength and wisdom and endurance you need.<\/p>\n

#5: Never stop enjoying each other.<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Always remember that marriage is an incredible gift to be enjoyed. Ecclesiastes 9:9 says, \u201cEnjoy life with the woman whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which He has given to you under the sun; for this is your reward in life and in your toil in which you have labored under the sun.\u201d<\/p>\n

Enjoy the little things of life with your spouse:\u00a0the food you enjoy together at home or in restaurants \u2026 the movies you like \u2026 the little inside jokes nobody else understands except for you \u2026 the times you make each other laugh \u2026 the games you play together.<\/p>\n

And focus on making memories together: Plan special dates and weekend getaways.\u00a0Make sure you reserve time for each other after you have kids. When you are old, you won\u2019t look back and remember how great it was to buy that new furniture or watch that great show on television. You\u2019re going to remember what you did together and saw together and created together.<\/p>\n

The readers respond<\/h2>\n

When we first posted this article, we asked for input from our readers on what they wish they’d known before they were married. \u00a0We received a number of great ideas and some very thoughtful letters.\u00a0For example, one woman wrote:<\/p>\n

“As little girls we are conditioned on the idea of a fairy tale life: \u201c\u2026and they lived happily ever after.\u201d I think too many times those little girls grow up expecting the fairy tale they heard so much about when they were little. When reality hits and they realize life (marriage) is not really the fairy tale they thought it would be.\u00a0They think that something went wrong and they made a mistake: \u2018Maybe I didn\u2019t really marry Prince Charming after all. Maybe I married the wrong person.\u2019\u00a0<\/em>So the marriage ends in divorce and she sets out to once again look for the Prince Charming who is supposed to make all her dreams come true.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

“Marriage is work! Marriage is compromise and sacrifice. It can end in happily ever after, but not without a lot of heartache and tears in between.”<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Advice from our readers<\/h2>\n

Here are some other highlights from comments readers sent me:<\/p>\n

    \n
  • \u201cAlways put your relationship with the Lord first and foremost!\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
  • \u201cYou can\u2019t change your spouse, only God can.\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/li>\n
  • \u201cSometimes you will have a tough time with in-laws and understanding them, but forgiveness and understanding is key.\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
  • \u201cBecause it\u2019s not always so obvious, it might bear mentioning: even in the most loving marriage\u2014and obviously in trying marriages\u2014marriage is hard. It takes work. It takes effort on the part of each individual involved. Especially when kids and life come along and get in the way\u2014it\u2019s very easy to slip into \u2018partners\u00a0in the business of life\u2019 mode.\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
  • \u201cYour\u00a0spouse has\u00a0secrets that you don\u2019t know about.\u00a0 My hard reality was that I didn\u2019t get to start knowing my husband until after we were married.\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/li>\n
  • \u201cMarriage is more about our one-on-one relationship with Christ than our one-on-one relationship with our spouse.\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/li>\n
  • \u201cMarriage is not about being \u2018in love.\u2019 It is about working together with a partner for the rest of your lives, in good times and in bad, regardless of how you feel.\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
  • \u201cAlways remember that your spouse is human, too, and prone to the same faults and failures you are. We all make mistakes and we can all learn to forgive.\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
  • \u201cBless each other in both big and small ways every day.\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
  • \u201cMarriage is a full time job \u2026 it must be always tended like a fire in the fireplace so that it will keep burning well.\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
  • \u201cIt is very important to always lift up your spouse in every way. To know that a true relationship means that you will always support your spouse and be there for them when tough times roll around. Because they do.\u201d <\/em><\/li>\n
  • \u201cI wish I had known how to resolve conflict without saying the wrong things or hitting below the belt.\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
  • \u201cI wish I had known how to forgive generously and quickly.\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
  • \u201cKeep priorities in this order: God first, my spouse second and then the kids.\u201d <\/em><\/li>\n
  • \u201cForget perfect.\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
  • \u201cSay I love you to each other every day.\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
  • \u201cTime together needs to be treated as sacred time.\u00a0 It should come second to only God and that all others (including family) take third place.\u00a0 When we look back at the past five years of our marriage, what comes to mind are the happy times we have spent just the two of us, focused on each other.\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/li>\n
  • \u201cThere will be times during your marriage that you can and will be so discouraged, or so angry, or so heartbroken that all you want to do is give up.\u00a0 Don\u2019t.\u00a0 Surrender yourself and your marriage completely to Jesus.\u201d\u00a0<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    And finally \u2026<\/p>\n

    Stick with your mate even when you don\u2019t want to, and even when your \u2018friends\u2019 tell you that you should leave or you \u2018have a right to leave.\u2019\u00a0 \u2026 If you\u2019re courageous enough to stick it out\u2014and I promise you that you will be in Christ, who will strengthen your every thought and step, you will find your reward on the other side of the discouragement and pain. <\/em><\/p>\n

    “What waits for you is a bond made stronger through adversity, a love made sweeter by your unwavering commitment and your sincerest efforts to make your marriage work, and an added bonus of a completely different perspective about yourself.\u00a0 You\u2019ll find that it really isn\u2019t about you at all.\u00a0 Instead of praying, \u2018Lord, please change my spouse,\u2019 you\u2019ll find yourself praying, \u2018Lord, please change me.\u2019<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

    \n

    Copyright \u00a9 2009, 2018 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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