{"id":70220,"date":"2019-04-05T12:10:16","date_gmt":"2019-04-05T17:10:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=70220"},"modified":"2019-04-05T12:10:16","modified_gmt":"2019-04-05T17:10:16","slug":"when-to-tell-your-kids-about-your-past","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/parenting\/ages-and-stages\/teens\/when-to-tell-your-kids-about-your-past\/","title":{"rendered":"When to Tell Your Kids About Your Past"},"content":{"rendered":"
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How much do you say to your kids about the mistakes you’ve made in the past? \u00a0When they ask if you had sex before you were married, how do you answer?<\/p>\n

Pastor Drew Hill says we need to put stories on the mantel of our homes. We\u2019ve got to show kids, \u201cThis is what God\u2019s done in my own life.\u201d That\u2019s going to require us telling them some of the backstory.<\/p>\n

Author of \u00a0Alongside: Loving Teenagers with the Gospel, <\/a><\/em>\u00a0Hill believes parents should unveil some of the ugliness in our lives. Here are some of his insights on when and why to tell your children about your past, as he talks with Bob Lepine and Dave and Ann Wilson on a recent FamilyLife Today broadcast<\/a>.<\/p>\n

We’ve been there<\/h2>\n

Bob Lepine:<\/strong> \u00a0Do your children know your testimony? Do they know about some of the hard moments in your life and how God has turned your ashes into beauty?<\/p>\n

Dave Wilson:<\/strong> Yes; I look back, honestly, and think some of the bad mistakes I made in high school shaped me into the man I am today. In some ways, I regret them. But I\u2019m also grateful that they were in my life to learn. I don\u2019t want my kids to miss that. In a sense, I want to be alongside them to help them walk through those.<\/p>\n

Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s the beauty-from-ashes principle that the Bible talks about. God can redeem our mistakes and use them for His glory. Talking about being alongside\u2014that\u2019s what we\u2019re talking about, this week, with our guest, Drew Hill, who joins us again.<\/p>\n

Drew Hill:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. We\u2019ve got to first understand that we have a God who walks alongside of us, and that we are not too far away from His grasp. We cannot mess up parenting enough for God to be disappointed at us.<\/p>\n

God is not shaking His finger at you, saying: \u201cYou are a failure. You have messed up.\u201d But God wants to come alongside you and walk with you, as you parent your kids, because it is too hard of a job for you to do it alone.<\/p>\n

Bob:<\/strong> I was talking to a mom this weekend. She said, \u201cMy husband is so frustrated.\u201d She said, \u201cWe\u2019re not in agreement on our parenting\/on how we should do things. But he\u2019s so frustrated, because our kids aren\u2019t getting it they\u2019re not changing.\u201d<\/p>\n

They\u2019re talking about their three-year-old, who is not getting it. And you discipline, and the child continues to misbehave. I said,\u201cYour husband has a very unrealistic picture of what parenting is going to be like. You\u2019re going to be in this roller coaster for the next 15 or more years with this child.\u00a0So get ready for the fact that some days are going to be up, and some days are going to be down. All the training that you need to keep doing with your child\u2014you just stay after it. But don\u2019t have the unrealistic expectation you\u2019re going to come home one day and go, \u2018Oh, they finally got it.’ And they don\u2019t misbehave anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n

No Amazon Prime parenting<\/h2>\n

Bob: <\/strong>Drew, at the conclusion of your book, Alongside<\/em><\/a>, you say to parents: \u201cThis is going to be, not just a trip to the grocery store and back, this is a long road trip you\u2019re on with your kids.\u201d<\/p>\n

Drew:<\/strong> It\u2019s a long road home; yes. The last chapter of the book is just entitled \u201cSlow\u201d because we live in a culture that wants things to change immediately. We want something, and we want it now.\u00a0 We want to order something on Amazon and it be at our house the next day.\u00a0 You know, we want our food immediately. We are an immediate-gratification culture right now.<\/p>\n

That has, honestly, hampered our parenting because we want to see that change happen even quicker in our kids. And yet, it is a long, long journey. It\u2019s often discouraging.<\/p>\n

But I would just encourage you to think about how long your journey has been as a child of God. And how patient God has been with you. Because I sure thought I was going to be further along in my journey with the Lord, at age 40, than I am right now.<\/p>\n

I mean, I can look back, and I can see how God has changed me and transformed me. But I honestly thought, Man, I\u2019m going to have a lot more spiritual discipline in my life than I do right now.<\/em><\/p>\n

And God has been so patient with me and so kind. He has created and is shaping me and writing this beautiful poem with my life. It is messy. It\u2019s not in this order that I want it to be.<\/p>\n

Just as God\u2019s been patient with me\u2014we, as parents, are called to be patient with our kids.<\/p>\n

Transformation Tuesday<\/h2>\n

Bob:<\/strong> So what do we do with discouragement, as parents, when we work, and work, and work and feel like we should be further along\u2014that they<\/em> should be further along? They don\u2019t seem to be getting it. Or they got it for a while and, now, they\u2019re having a bad season. How do we deal with that disappointment and that discouragement?<\/p>\n

Drew:<\/strong>\u00a0Some of my favorite TV shows, or videos to watch, or people to follow on Instagram are the ones of transformation stories\u2014you know, the #transformationtuesday. They\u2019re amazing when we hear stories of life transformation.<\/p>\n

We\u2019ve got to put those stories on the mantel of our homes. We\u2019ve got to show kids, \u201cThis is what God\u2019s done in my own life.\u201d That\u2019s going to require us telling them some of the backstory. So we, as parents, have to unveil some of the ugliness in our life.<\/p>\n

We have to say: \u201cThis is who I was,\u201d and \u201cThis is what God\u2019s done. Your mom and I\u2019s marriage has not always looked like this.\u201d<\/p>\n

Or, \u201cI\u2019ve really struggled with this area of purity in my life, just like you are.\u201d A transformation story always has a beginning. It always has a before\u2014before we see the after.<\/p>\n

Tell that story so they can see a perfect marriage is not really actually perfect. Instead, that it\u2019s gone through this transformation. Let\u2019s highlight these stories in our homes by inviting our friends, and neighbors, and spiritual aunts and uncles to come over and share what God has done in their lives too.<\/p>\n

Answering your teenager’s questions<\/h2>\n

Dave:<\/strong> I can remember our youngest son started asking questions the other two never asked. Very personal\u2014because he\u2019s on this spiritual journey.<\/p>\n

He was in high school. And he\u2019s like, \u201cHey, Mom and Dad, did you guys have sex before you got married?\u201d We\u2019re sitting there\u2014like, \u201cUh, at what age do we share? How much do we share?\u201d Give us some wisdom on that. What would you say to a parent?<\/p>\n

Drew:<\/strong> I would have answered this question differently a decade ago than I would now. They say the average age that a kid is exposed to pornography is seven. And kids are being exposed to so much more, even in the TV shows that they\u2019re watching. Kids are being exposed to this world. If we\u2019re not going to be willing to go there and tell them about it, then they\u2019re going to hear it from other people.<\/p>\n

So I would really encourage parents to be as vulnerable as you\u2019re able. Then maybe, draw that line and go even a little bit further that way.<\/p>\n

A friend recently told me about his son coming home late from a high school football game one night. He could see on Find My Friends where his son was. His son was not at the game\u2014he had lied to him. He was in a parking lot, somewhere else, with his girlfriend.<\/p>\n

The son came home. His dad called him out. \u201cHey, I saw that you weren\u2019t where you said you were.\u201d<\/p>\n

Then the son said, \u201cNo; I wasn\u2019t.\u201d And the dad asked, \u201cWhat were you doing?\u201d The son told his dad, verbatim, what\u00a0he was doing in the car … what was being done to him.<\/p>\n

Instead of shaming him and yelling at him, he cried with him. He held him, and he hugged him. The dad confessed how he had made some sexual mistakes in his past. It was this moment of healing between the father and the son. I really believe that moments like that are way more transformative than moments that make a kid feel like they didn\u2019t measure up.<\/p>\n

Receive more encouraging content like this delivered to your inbox!<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n

Tell the true story<\/h2>\n

Bob:<\/strong> Here\u2019s a fear a parent has when a teenager says, \u201cSo, did you guys have sex before you got married?\u201d If that\u2019s a part of your story\u2014and you say, \u201cYes; we did.\u201d Your fear is the kid\u2019s going to go, \u201cWell, it worked out okay for you, and so I guess, now, I\u2019m okay to go do this.\u201d<\/p>\n

That\u2019s kind of why we don\u2019t want to say that was a part of the story. Because we don\u2019t want our kids going out and\u00a0saying, \u201cWell, I guess it\u2019s okay, now, for me to do that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Drew:\u00a0<\/strong>So either you are going to allow your child to fill in the blanks … or\u00a0you can tell them the true story of what has happened. You can show them how God has redeemed it.<\/p>\n

Our kids are going to fail. They are going to mess up. They are going to do things that we so wish they would not have done. There are going to be things that are done to them that we wish would not have happened.<\/p>\n

But do we believe in a God who redeems?! Do we believe in a God who makes broken things beautiful?<\/p>\n

If so, then let\u2019s be real and say: \u201cYes, this is what happened. It was not God\u2019s best, but God did redeem it. My hope and prayer for you is that you would not have to go through this brokenness.\u201d<\/p>\n

Pointing kids back to the cross<\/h2>\n

Drew:<\/strong> We\u2019ve just got to trust the process of us being obedient and pointing kids back to the gospel. I just always point it back to the cross and the resurrection.<\/p>\n

There was brokenness and death before there was healing and restoration. When Jesus was on that cross, I\u2019m sure He felt those same things that you were feeling when you saw that brokenness and that sadness over sin.<\/p>\n

I will tell kids, \u201cGod hates sin so much. You want to know how much God hates sin? Have you ever heard your parents fight? And you know that feeling that gets inside you when your parents are yelling at one another? You hate that brokenness; you hate that sin.\u201d<\/p>\n

Then I help them understand that Jesus knows. He\u2019s been through that. And He\u2019s paid for it.\u00a0 \u201cGuess what?” I’ll say. “He went to the grave for you, but He did not stay there; and there is hope.\u201d\u00a0 We\u2019ve got to cast a vision of hope for kids.<\/p>\n

Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019m just imagining parents going, \u201cSo kids looking at pornography … you\u2019re telling us to talk to them about the cross and the resurrection. How do we help them connect the dots between their behavior and this great story?<\/p>\n

Drew:<\/strong> I think we\u2019ve got to continue to just preach the gospel to ourselves\u2014and to get to a place where we really understand it. And when we really believe it, then it will naturally flow out of us.<\/p>\n

Jesus is alive<\/h2>\n

Drew:\u00a0<\/strong>So often we want to have it figured out. But you know, one of the best parts of the gospel is that Jesus is alive right now.<\/p>\n

He is seated at the right hand of the Father. And He has left with us the Holy Spirit, the great comforter, the great translator. He has given us Himself in the person of the Holy Spirit. And He actually will live in us and speak through us.<\/p>\n

We have got to believe that that power actually resides in us. That we don\u2019t have to have all the answers. There is no way we ever could.<\/p>\n

We cannot read enough books on parenting or on all these different issues. We will always fall short. But we will never fall short, because we have the Holy Spirit in us.<\/p>\n

When we step out in faith and trust Him, what we\u2019re doing with our kids is\u2014we\u2019re demonstrating for them what it actually looks like to live out the Christian life.\u00a0 And we can trust the Holy Spirit to even lead us in our conversations with our kids.<\/p>\n

\n

Copyright \u00a9 2019 FamilyLife. All rights reserved. Adapted from a transcript from FamilyLife Today.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Drew Hill is a pastor and author in Greensboro, North Carolina. He is also works with Young Life and provides resources for thousands of youth leaders around the world through The Young Life Leader Blog. Drew and Natalie have been married since 2004 and have three children: Honey, Hutch, and Macy Heart. Check out Drew\u2019s book,\u00a0Alongside: Loving Teenagers with the Gospel<\/a>.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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