{"id":52065,"date":"2019-03-28T11:00:11","date_gmt":"2019-03-28T16:00:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=52065"},"modified":"2019-03-28T11:00:11","modified_gmt":"2019-03-28T16:00:11","slug":"how-about-giving-up-contempt-for-lent","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/holidays\/featured-holidays\/easter-and-lent\/how-about-giving-up-contempt-for-lent\/","title":{"rendered":"How About Giving up ‘Contempt’ for Lent?"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>\n

In the past few weeks, I\u2019ve seen families fill up their Insta-stories about how they will use the 40 days before Easter as a challenge to give up screens, sugar, or sandwiches. Now that we are just over two weeks in, some of these families are wondering whose bright idea it was to schedule Lent during spring break. Saying no to Fortnite is really hard without the eight-hour school-day buffer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s true that some treat Lent like a New Year\u2019s resolution redo. But many evangelical Protestant believers are starting to rediscover liturgical traditions and ancient Christian disciplines like fasting. Lent brings an opportunity for believers to exercise their \u201cno muscles\u201d and say \u201cyes\u201d to seeking God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For many of us, we end up using Lent as a way to get a fasting merit badge rather than an opportunity to experience the divine. Usually during Lent, we give up one thing we love\u2014say, donuts\u2014and theoretically use that time to do devotions. Unfortunately, since it takes me so little time to plow through a half dozen donuts, especially hot Krispy Kremes, Lent may shrink my waistline, but I\u2019m not sure it grows my soul.<\/p>\n\n\n

The perfect antidote for couples sliding toward isolation<\/h2>\n\n\n

So for any of us who have lapsed this Lent\u2014whether in spirit or commitment\u2014I was inspired by a podcast from John Stonestreet: “Give up Contempt for Lent<\/a>.” The title intrigued me because generally we think of Lent as giving up one thing to draw closer vertically to God. Stonestreet, inspired by an op-ed from Arthur Brooks, challenged listeners to give up one thing that would help us draw closer to our fellow man.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While Stonestreet applied this as an antidote to our rather contentious culture, where disagreement almost always leads to disparagement, it\u2019s also the perfect antidote for couples sliding toward isolation. If you wanted to give up one thing that would help you draw closer to your spouse, put your money on giving up contempt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t trust me, but trust marriage guru John Gottman. Made popular by Malcolm Gladwell\u2019s book Blink, Gottman can watch a couple have a conversation for five minutes and predict whether or not they will get a divorce within 10 years … with a 91 percent accuracy rate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m no statistician, but that means he\u2019s right nine out of 10 times. How does he do it? He looks for one thing: contempt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Contempt can be defined as the highest form of disgust. Classic signs of contempt are eye-rolling, name-calling, sneering, mockery, and biting sarcasm. A five-minute sound bite with any of these signals tells the spouse and everyone watching:<\/p>\n\n\n

    \n
  1. I care little for you.<\/li>\n
  2. I\u2019m more important than you.<\/li>\n
  3. I don\u2019t just reject what you are saying, I reject you.<\/li>\n
  4. Our relationship feels hopeless.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n

    Togetherness is virtually impossible if one or both partners feel disgust toward each other. But contempt doesn\u2019t just show up overnight. It\u2019s usually built up when unresolved conflicts are compounded over time. Little sarcastic quips turn into verbal barrages, and one spouse spends all their energy trying to change a stubbornly unchanging spouse.<\/p>\n\n\n

    Hoping for change<\/h2>\n\n\n

    Through his research, Gottman found that 69 percent of a couple\u2019s problems are perpetual, because couples spend so much time trying to change each other\u2019s mind. “But it can\u2019t be done,” Gottman says. “This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    After two decades of marriage, I\u2019ve done a terrible job of changing the way my wife, Jen, sees and processes the world. That\u2019s probably a good thing. She\u2019s overly concerned about punctuality, following the rules, and keeping a budget. In other words, if we were exactly alike, we\u2019d be perpetually late, in trouble with the law, and deep in debt. Truth be told, accepting that about each other doesn\u2019t always feel right, but experts would say it\u2019s exactly what separates isolated couples from intimate ones.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Contempt in relationships has far more to say about me than my partner. I vainly imagine my marriage would be far easier if Jen was more like me.<\/p>\n\n\n

    Strengthen your marriage. Take the free online course, I Still Do.<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n\n\n

    A coping strategy<\/h2>\n\n\n

    These couples intuitively understand that problems are inevitably part of a relationship, much the way chronic physical ailments are inevitable as you get older. They are like a trick knee, a bad back, an irritable bowel, or tennis elbow. We may not love these problems, but we are able to cope with them, to avoid situations that worsen them, and to develop strategies and routines that help us deal with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Psychologist Dan Wile said it best in his book After the Honeymoon<\/a>: \u201cWhen choosing a long-term partner \u2026 you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you\u2019ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Listen, I\u2019m no dummy. I\u2019ll never make the mistake of comparing life with my bride to living with irritable bowel syndrome. But there\u2019s wisdom in expecting I won\u2019t be in step with my spouse on plenty of issues.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    So how do we get along, then? The advice was to develop a strategy to better cope. Much like you would if you had a trick knee or an irritable bowel. In other words, you avoid certain terrain and eat what\u2019s best for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    One of the most prolific writers of the New Testament wrote to a young church with members nitpicking each other from across the pews. He gave them a strategy on giving up a few things and putting the right things in their relationship: \u201cPut to death, therefore, what is earthly in you … you must put them all way: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth\u201d (Colossians 3:5,8).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    He told them to give up contempt. All of those things he listed were tell-tale signs of disgust.<\/p>\n\n\n

    Put on love instead<\/h2>\n\n\n

    But you can\u2019t take something away without putting something back. It\u2019s not enough to say, \u201cStop being so contemptible!\u201d and quit any eye-rolling, sighing, and sarcastic rants. Negative space begs to be filled. Paul goes on to say, \u201cPut on then, as God\u2019s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness and patience, bearing with one another, and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Feed your relationship with the right stuff. I like that phrase, \u201cbearing with one another.\u201d He\u2019s saying choose to live with what feels unbearable. He admits we will have \u201ccomplaints\u201d against one another. We won\u2019t always like each other, but we don\u2019t have to act <\/i>like<\/em> we don\u2019t like each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Colossians 3:14 tells us, \u201cAnd above all these put on love, which binds everything in perfect harmony.\u201d We all long for harmony in our relationships. Paul says the only way to insure that is to actively \u201cPut on love.\u201d There\u2019s the rub. Our culture preaches that love is a feeling\u2014a high\u2014that magically appears when you\u2019ve found the perfect person. Paul pops that fairy tale. Instead, he encourages us to \u201cput on\u201d love like you would a coat or a pair of shoes.<\/p>\n\n\n

    Magic ratio<\/h2>\n\n\n

    Gottman has also identified one thing that marks successful couples. He calls it the \u201cmagic ratio.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    For every one negative interaction (sign of contempt), successful couples share five<\/em> positive interactions. As long as you didn\u2019t marry a clone of yourself, you will feel a measure of contempt, probably daily. But counterbalance those negative moments with five positive ones\u2014a hug, a squeeze of the hand, a compliment, a surprise romantic text, a morning prayer. Then those five overpower the one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Successful couples don\u2019t wait for the feeling before they show affection for their spouse. Like Lent, it takes discipline.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Ask your significant other today, “What\u2019s our ratio?” And if it\u2019s off, maybe you pick the one thing you can give up that will guarantee you will draw close to your partner. Give up contempt and put on love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    It may be easier than giving up donuts … and far more rewarding in the long run.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n\n\n\n

    Copyright \u00a9 2019 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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