{"id":48626,"date":"2019-01-12T12:30:17","date_gmt":"2019-01-12T19:30:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=48626"},"modified":"2019-01-12T12:30:17","modified_gmt":"2019-01-12T19:30:17","slug":"a-healthy-stepfamily-needs-god-esteem","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/blended-family\/stepparents\/stepfamily-living\/a-healthy-stepfamily-needs-god-esteem\/","title":{"rendered":"A Healthy Stepfamily Needs ‘God-Esteem’"},"content":{"rendered":"
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In the English language, we use the word \u201clove\u201d to describe many feelings. I tell people I \u201clove\u201d hamburgers, but I mean something different when I say, \u201cI \u2018love\u2019 my dog.\u201d And that can\u2019t even compare to what I mean by saying I \u201clove\u201d my wife!<\/p>\n

Centuries ago Bernard of Clairvaux described four levels of love[i]<\/a>. The first two levels can hardly be called love from any biblical standpoint, but unfortunately, they describe many marriages in our world today.<\/p>\n

The first level is “to love myself solely.” The goal here is self-love or narcissism, which is when a person loves himself or herself so much he or she is not interested in the needs of the other person.<\/p>\n

The second form of love is not much better: “To love you for my sake.” This form of love is rooted in selfishness as one person uses the other for personal gain. Sadly, this is the most common type of \u201clove\u201d that I see in problematic marriages.<\/p>\n

The third form of love is a huge jump in quality from the previous two: “To love you for your sake.” This form of love respects the value of the other person and wants good things for him or her. It looks out for the other\u2019s interests. For most, this form of love sounds like the best there is\u2014a mutually respectful relationship where each serves the needs of the other.<\/p>\n

The highest level of love<\/h2>\n

But Bernard of Clairvaux thought there was a fourth level of love higher than this: “To love myself for your sake.” This is a self-respecting kind of love that invites us to recognize our worth and then offer the best of ourselves for the benefit of the other.<\/p>\n

This last form of love sounds much like Jesus\u2019 teaching regarding the second greatest commandment: “Love your neighbor as yourself.<\/em>” Jesus said, \u201cYou shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself\u201d (Matthew 22:37-39). If you don\u2019t love and respect yourself, then you won\u2019t have a very high standard of love for those around you.<\/p>\n

God-esteem<\/h2>\n

The world suggests we need more self-esteem. As a therapist, I understand the importance of self-esteem and the significance it plays in people’s lives.<\/p>\n

But I believe what\u2019s even more important is “God-esteem.” This is what we believe about ourselves when we realize and accept our worth in God, not because of what we’ve done to obtain His approval, but because of what Jesus did for us on the cross.<\/p>\n

God-esteem is humbling because it can’t be earned, yet it is liberating because it frees us to offer our lives to God, not out of obligation or payment, but in loving response to His gift of grace.<\/p>\n

One significant outcome of a love relationship with the heavenly Father is the identity and worth provided for us through Christ’s sacrifice on the cross. Listen to the words of Titus 3:4-7:<\/p>\n

But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.<\/em><\/p>\n

Did you hear that? Despite our sinfulness we have been reborn and made new in Jesus Christ. More than that, we have become heirs of the King. Therein lies our identity; I am an heir of God, a person of surpassing value. Through Jesus I have a worth that doesn’t have to be earned but is simply a by-product of God’s saving grace.<\/p>\n

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n

What it means for your family<\/h2>\n

At the core of a healthy Christian marriage are two people who fully submit themselves to God. When you accept your worth in Jesus Christ, you can honor your spouse, cope with struggles, and even disagree about your family life, without fear of personal rejection, because your identity is secure. You are not dependent on your partner for your sense of self, but on your God.<\/p>\n

God-esteem is tangible in marriage in many ways:<\/p>\n