{"id":315185,"date":"2025-06-03T12:22:47","date_gmt":"2025-06-03T16:22:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=315185"},"modified":"2025-06-05T11:38:48","modified_gmt":"2025-06-05T15:38:48","slug":"should-you-say-the-hard-thing-to-your-husband","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/should-you-say-the-hard-thing-to-your-husband\/","title":{"rendered":"Should You Say the Hard Thing to Your Husband?"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"bsf_rt_marker\" fetchpriority=\"high\"><\/div>\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Maybe you\u2019re not a particularly positive person, or perhaps you\u2019re as sweet and gooey as a fresh cinnamon roll from the mall food court (okay, try to focus). The good news is, there are universal truths that fit each of us. We can also learn from others and grow in the areas where we are weak without downplaying those areas of our lives where we are strong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<style>\n.fl-article-cta-315263 .fl-article-cta-button {\n  color: #ffffff;\n  background-color: #f3bd48;\n}\n.fl-article-cta-315263 .fl-article-cta-button:hover {\n  color: #ffffff;\n  background-color: #f5c660;\n}\n<\/style>\n\n<div class=\"fl-article-cta fl-article-cta-315263\">\n  <a class=\"fl-article-cta-button\" target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/how-to-speak-life-to-your-husband-when-all-you-want-to-do-is-yell-at-him\/\">\n    <span>How To Speak Life to Your Husband When All You Want to Do Is Yell at Him<i class=\"fa-solid fa-arrow-right-long fa-fw\"><\/i><\/span>\n  <\/a>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-uagb-advanced-heading uagb-block-a3d924c2\"><h2 class=\"uagb-heading-text\">What is your communication style?<\/h2><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If you are more of a direct communicator, which Dave calls \u201cthe Sermonator\u201d type, you might share whatever comes into your head in a more forceful style. If your particular disposition is more docile and conflict-avoidant, then maybe even thinking about bringing up the harder things can cause you to feel paralyzed, fearful that anything you say might offend your husband. If that\u2019s you, it\u2019s time to become more comfortable with your own voice in your marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Perhaps you\u2019re somewhere in between, or perhaps you\u2019re more like me now\u2014a verbal processor. I came across a quote attributed to 19th-century French novelist Gustave Flaubert: \u201cThe art of writing is the art of discovering what you believe.\u201d I\u2019ll take it one step further. For me, the art of talking also leads me to discover what I believe. If this is true for you as well, our first universal application will probably hit you where it hits me\u2014right between the eyes. Before we say something to our husbands, we should stop and quickly pray, \u201cGod, should I say it?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Can I just admit how stinking hard this has been for me to learn? I still struggle with it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">For those of us who have to say something to know if we think it, to pause and consider whether to say what came to our mind can be especially tricky. But for all of us, it\u2019s a good practice\u2014and yes, for our husbands as well. It took me some time to really believe that every random thought in my head did not require verbalization in order to be known or validated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-uagb-advanced-heading uagb-block-20b82f00\"><h2 class=\"uagb-heading-text\">When thoughts tumble out<\/h2><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">When you blurt out everything you think, there will be some things you\u2019ve said that you wish you hadn\u2019t. Your sentiments will be underdeveloped and perhaps not yet ready for consumption. They probably should have stayed in the oven a bit longer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Over the years, I discovered that my verbal processing could short-circuit Dave\u2019s way of processing. I can be thinking out loud so much about my fears and my worries, about what could go wrong, or about what I\u2019m not yet sure I\u2019m upset with him over, that I don\u2019t even realize Dave has reverted to the fetal position in the farthest corner of the room. It\u2019s not that he doesn\u2019t care what I have to say, but everything inside my head may be too much for a pleasant pre-dinner conversation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">This tendency to think out loud isn\u2019t just a \u201cwoman problem.\u201d In fact, despite the stereotypes about women talking more excessively than men, I don\u2019t use as many words as Dave. I\u2019m quieter than he is. But when it comes to something that needs to be processed, the words just tumble out of my mouth, passing through no filter on the way. I may not truly mean half the things I say in these moments, but they can still leave Dave feeling crushed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-uagb-advanced-heading uagb-block-989af4e4\"><h2 class=\"uagb-heading-text\">A timeless biblical warning<\/h2><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The wisdom of Proverbs offers us insight into this problem: \u201cDo you see someone who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for them\u201d (29:20, NIV). Ouch. If you\u2019ve read much in the book of Proverbs, you know the writers have quite a bit to say about the fate of fools. To state that speaking hastily without thinking makes us more hopeless than the fool described in Proverbs is to adamantly declare that this is something we all should work on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Furthermore, if we feel like we have to get everything out without giving the other party a chance to reply, we double down on foolishness. Marriage is rarely a good forum for monologues. I\u2019m talking about those moments when you\u2019ve fully said your piece for the past hour, to the point that only the sounds of your once internal but now external monologue are being heard. Maybe you keep cutting him off, even telling him what he really means, though he truly is saying something different. Proverbs again: \u201cTo answer before listening\u2014that is folly and shame\u201d (18:13, NIV).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I\u2019m not saying your husband shouldn\u2019t have to \u201cbother\u201d listening to your petty thoughts and feelings. No, sharing these things is a part of the lifelong vows we make. I only mean that we should be okay with knowing how we are made and how our husbands are made\u2014and not be angry or disappointed that they are wired differently from us. Can you imagine if you and your husband were the same? You would either be so bored or so enraged that you would crush each other.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-uagb-advanced-heading uagb-block-653cee20\"><h2 class=\"uagb-heading-text\">The wisdom of the pause<\/h2><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Wise inner work is learning how you communicate and becoming okay with the practice of taking pauses before saying everything that can humanly be said. After asking God if you should say it to your husband, you may choose to hold the thought for another time, or you may take it to your community first for more development or even correction. Or at the least, you may choose to limit what you say to only one or two of the 37 points you have in your head, saving the full speech until after dinner.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em><em>Adapted from&nbsp;<\/em><\/em>How To Speak Life to Your Husband: When All You Want to Do is Yell at Him<em><em>. Copyright \u00a9 2025 by Dave and Ann Wilson. Published by Zondervan. Used with permission<\/em><\/em>. <em>All Rights Reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Dave and Ann Wilson are the co-hosts of <em>FamilyLife Today\u00ae<\/em>. They are also cofounders of Kensington Church, a national, multi-campus church that hosts more than 14,000 attendees every weekend. Dave and Ann are authors of&nbsp;<em>Vertical Marriage: The One Secret That Will Change Your Marriage<\/em>, and Ann&#8217;s new book, <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/how-to-speak-life-to-your-husband-when-all-you-want-to-do-is-yell-at-him\/?_gl=1*1szj2s4*_gcl_aw*R0NMLjE3NDYxMzU0MjEuRUFJYUlRb2JDaE1JeXItS3FwMkRqUU1WU201X0FCMGxIUjhaRUFBWUFTQUFFZ0t0SV9EX0J3RQ..*_gcl_au*MTQ3MTQxNzQxMi4xNzQ2MTI2NTQxLjcyMDQ3MDgzMC4xNzQ4MzUzMjc1LjE3NDgzNTUwMDM.*_ga*Mjk1MjI2NDQwLjE3MzgzMzY2NDU.*_ga_85G8JM3S5D*czE3NDg2MDMwNzQkbzI4NCRnMSR0MTc0ODYwMzEwOCRqMjYkbDAkaDEwMDk3OTIwMTY%2E\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>How to Speak Life to Your Husband: When All You Want to Do Is Yell at Him<\/em><\/a>. The Wilsons live in the Detroit area where Dave served as the Detroit Lions chaplain for 33 years. Dave and Ann have three grown sons, CJ, Austin, and Cody, as well as three daughters-in-law and six grandchildren.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>For those of us who have to say something to know if we think it, to pause and consider whether to say what came to our mind can be especially tricky.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47436,"featured_media":315251,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":true,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[2094],"tags":[],"equip-category":[],"cwp_profile":[3554],"class_list":["post-315185","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-marriage","cwp_profile-ann-wilson"],"acf":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2025\/06\/should-you-say-the-hard-thing-to-your-husband2_1300x403.jpg","uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2025\/06\/should-you-say-the-hard-thing-to-your-husband2_1300x403.jpg",1024,317,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"alex.etheridge@cru.org","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/alex-etheridgefamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"For those of us who have to say something to know if we think it, to pause and consider whether to say what came to our mind can be especially tricky.","meta_box":{"_cloudsearch_visibility":"0","profile_obj_manual_select":false,"profile_obj":false,"separator":false,"enable_link":false,"login_restricted":"0","content_type":"video","disclaimer_banner":"unset","currency":false,"pricing_subtext":false,"element_type":false,"date_field":false,"date_format":false,"theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0","series":false,"ignore_sticky":false,"conditional_blocks_category":false,"cta_selection":false},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/315185","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47436"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=315185"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/315185\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":315338,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/315185\/revisions\/315338"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/315251"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=315185"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=315185"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=315185"},{"taxonomy":"equip-category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/equip-category?post=315185"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=315185"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}