{"id":312709,"date":"2025-02-19T09:32:09","date_gmt":"2025-02-19T14:32:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=312709"},"modified":"2025-06-18T15:08:58","modified_gmt":"2025-06-18T19:08:58","slug":"4-steps-to-help-you-regulate-your-emotions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/staying-married\/communication\/4-steps-to-help-you-regulate-your-emotions\/","title":{"rendered":"4 Steps To Help You Regulate Your Emotions"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Chun grew up in a culture where mothers determined parental correction and control. In her marriage, she manages the parenting of their two young children, but she feels alone and isolated in doing so. Her husband shared that when she corrects his parenting, he feels inadequate and shames himself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For Chun, excessive control flows from her sense of failure and feeling unloved by her mother. Criticism and control are how she coped with pain throughout her childhood, and now they are creating problems in her marriage. Rather than reacting when dysregulated, she has been learning to self-regulate\u2014that is, to put on self-control. Here\u2019s a fabulous example.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Chun and her family recently went on a cruise, where her husband surprised her with a massage. He made plans to take care of the kids while she enjoyed the gift. While she was preparing to leave the massage room, she checked her phone and saw a message from the cruise line that read, \u201cJane has been found.\u201d Jane was their 4-year-old daughter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Immediately, Chun panicked. She felt angry, scared, and critical of her husband. But instead of getting triggered and freaking out, she was able to process her pain and gain control of herself. When she met back up with her husband, she greeted him with a touch on his arm and said, \u201cThat must have been difficult.\u201d In her old self, she would have approached him with anger and accusation. In her new self, she could move toward him and connect with his pain, and then listen to the story of what had happened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It completely flipped a switch in their marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking Charge of Yourself<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

In our book The Mindful Marriage<\/a>,<\/em> we share how our old self is in part comprised of a pain story that our brain has been writing our entire life. Instead of being rooted in the story of God pursuing us through Christ with everlasting love\u2014something that declares our absolute worth and safety\u2014our pain narrative is based on imperfect earthly relationships. Many of those relationships have been loving and fulfilling in many ways, but they still lacked perfection. Disappointment, fear, questions about our worth and feeling unloved, and being betrayed by those most important to us end up creating pains we remain hypersensitive to throughout our lives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At some point (for some, even in infancy), we began trying to make the pain go away. Our coping strategies solidified within our mind and body in the form of neuropathways that our brain came to prefer whenever we became triggered. This pain cycle activates anytime we feel a threat to our identity or sense of safety, especially within an intimate relationship such as marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When couples are at their best, they love and serve each other from the best of themselves. But when at their worst, couples inadvertently trigger one another\u2019s pain, resulting in escalating cycles of hurt, threat, and reactivity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Previously, Chun coped with childhood feelings of imperfection and feeling unloved with control. She controlled her husband through high expectations and criticism. But this time, when it seemed he\u2019d missed the mark as a father, she had a choice. She could remain stuck in her pattern of control, or she could choose self-control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n