{"id":310422,"date":"2024-12-02T10:27:22","date_gmt":"2024-12-02T15:27:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=310422"},"modified":"2024-12-02T10:27:24","modified_gmt":"2024-12-02T15:27:24","slug":"5-red-lights-in-dating-as-a-single-parent","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/parenting\/parenting-challenges\/single-parenting\/5-red-lights-in-dating-as-a-single-parent\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Red Lights in Dating as a Single Parent"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>\n

Troy and Meredith had been dating off and on for six years. They had lived together for a time, but were separated when they came to their first session. Both had been married before, but only Meredith had children. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe\u2019re trying to figure out if we have anything to salvage,\u201d they shared. \u201cWe love each other but just don\u2019t seem to like each other very much.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Troy had led Meredith to the Lord early in their relationship, and while he saw many changes in her behavior, he couldn\u2019t help but fear her chaotic childhood and how it had turned her to drugs at one point in her life. Even though she had been clean for four years, he told me she still had an addictive personality and he just couldn\u2019t trust her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Troy and Meredith were experiencing specific flashing yellow lights and, thankfully, were not ignoring them. Despite how intertwined their lives had become over the past six years (which diminishes objectivity and makes us nearsighted), they were heeding the yellow lights and slowing down to ask the hard questions. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I would encourage you to do the same. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Red flags in dating as a single parent <\/h2>\n\n\n\n

In case you\u2019ve forgotten, a flashing yellow light means proceed with caution. A red light means stop! Here are five red flags in dating as a single parent:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Let\u2019s hurry and get married!<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

I realize that \u201cMy life is complete now that I\u2019ve met you. I can\u2019t live without you, let\u2019s get married . . . today!\u201d makes for a great romance novel, but rarely does it make for a lifelong love. This usually indicates the person is desperate, insecure, and emotionally fragile\u2014plus, it increases the chance that the children will feel thrown under the bus and resentful of the marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n

Stay updated with our monthly Strengthening Stepfamilies newsletter.<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n\n\n\n

2. Extreme differences in parenting.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

In my experience as a family therapist working with stepfamilies since 1993, I would say that this dynamic is the most common saboteur of blended marriages. Given that, it seems necessary to plainly repeat the caution here: Slow your roll toward marriage if you can\u2019t see eye to eye on parenting; and if you can\u2019t resolve your differences, you likely need to go your separate ways.<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Someone who can\u2019t on occasion sit in the backseat.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Have you ever tried to have a friendship or relationship with someone who demanded to be the center of attention all the time? It\u2019s not much fun, huh? In a stepfamily, this same person will whine to no end. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve often said that a blended family is no place for thin-skinned people. It\u2019s also not a place for adults who need to be at the center of the family (I like to call them \u201ccenter babies\u201d). Everyone in a stepfamily has to take the backseat every once in a while (especially stepparents); doing so helps bring grace to undefined relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. Horrible ex.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

If a difficult ex-spouse is a yellow light, a horrible ex is a red one. You have to decide which it is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Katy wrote to me saying, \u201cMy boyfriend has three boys ages 11, 9, and 4. Every time we make plans, their mom creates some sort of chaos and our plans have to change. I\u2019m sure she does it on purpose.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m sure you\u2019re right, Katy. And if you think it\u2019s bad now . . . wait till you get married.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

5. Pseudo-commitment: settling for cohabitation.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Cohabitation has become so common it has changed the way people date. In many circles it is assumed that dating couples will eventually live together on their way to marriage. In fact, living together for many is considered another way to gauge the seriousness of the relationship; first you live together, then you get engaged. But is cohabitation healthy? No, it\u2019s not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cohabitation is not good for kids. For children, \u201cthe cohabiting stepfamily is the most dangerous family form in America today.\u201d There are many reasons couples give for cohabiting: saving money, spending more time together, uncluttering their lives, and testing the relationship. You\u2019ll notice that all of them are conveniences for the adults. But what isn\u2019t convenient is that children are put at risk when couples cohabit. Children face higher risks of abuse (physical, emotional, and sexual) and lower psychological well-being. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

All of the above are results from social science, but they clearly agree with God\u2019s boundaries around sexuality and what is best for us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason for traffic lights in dating<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Traffic lights are meant for our safety. Flashing yellow lights alert us to take caution in moving forward. They demand that we slow down and take a careful look before proceeding. They demand that we slow down and take a careful look before proceeding. Once our hesitations are satisfied, we can move forward with greater confidence. Red lights, however, demand that we stop. And there\u2019s always good reason to stop at a red light, even if we can\u2019t immediately see it. Running it will likely result in being broadsided.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For more on dating as a single parent, check out Ron Deal\u2019s book, Dating and the Single Parent<\/em>.<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

_________________________________________________________________________________________<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Adapted from Dating and the Single Parent \u00a9 2012 by Ron L. Deal, Bethany House Publishers, a division of Baker Publishing Group. Used with permission. All rights to this material are reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When you see a red light, do you drive right through it or stop because you know it\u2019s for your safety? This is a lot like single-parent dating.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47436,"featured_media":310822,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"none","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"When you see a red light, do you drive right through it or stop because you know it\u2019s for your safety? This is a lot like single-parent dating.","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[2880],"tags":[4018,10908,5049],"equip-category":[],"cwp_profile":[3300],"class_list":["post-310422","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-single-parenting","tag-dating","tag-single-parent-dating","tag-single-parenting","cwp_profile-ron-deal"],"acf":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/12\/5-red-lights-in-dating-as-a-single-parent-1300x403-1.jpg","uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/12\/5-red-lights-in-dating-as-a-single-parent-1300x403-1.jpg",1024,317,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"alex.etheridge@cru.org","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/alex-etheridgefamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"When you see a red light, do you drive right through it or stop because you know it\u2019s for your safety? This is a lot like single-parent dating.","meta_box":{"_cloudsearch_visibility":"0","profile_obj_manual_select":false,"profile_obj":false,"separator":false,"enable_link":false,"login_restricted":"0","content_type":"video","disclaimer_banner":"unset","currency":false,"pricing_subtext":false,"element_type":false,"date_field":false,"date_format":false,"theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0","series":false,"ignore_sticky":false,"conditional_blocks_category":false,"cta_selection":false},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/310422","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47436"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=310422"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/310422\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/310822"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=310422"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=310422"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=310422"},{"taxonomy":"equip-category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/equip-category?post=310422"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=310422"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}