{"id":288420,"date":"2024-07-17T09:00:00","date_gmt":"2024-07-17T14:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=288420"},"modified":"2024-10-25T16:28:53","modified_gmt":"2024-10-25T20:28:53","slug":"what-not-to-say-to-a-friend-who-miscarried-or-struggles-with-infertility","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/faith\/essentials-faith\/reaching-out\/what-not-to-say-to-a-friend-who-miscarried-or-struggles-with-infertility\/","title":{"rendered":"What Not To Say to a Friend Who Miscarried (or Struggles with Infertility)"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Some of the most searing phrases\u2014even intended to comfort\u2014simply minimize a person\u2019s pain <\/strong>on a path filled with loss, relational conflict, disappointment, and alienation. Here are some ideas of what not to say to a friend who miscarried. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHow many kids do you guys have?\u201d Or, \u201cWhen will you start a family?\u201d<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Consider allowing kids to naturally arise as a subject of conversation, rather than assuming kids are the norm, implying not having kids is weird, or that not having kids makes a couple not <\/em>a family.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBe grateful you don\u2019t have kids. Parenting is so hard.\u201d<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

For a person who wants kids, indicating that\u2019s not <\/em>what they should want can feel brash, if not patently false. (Do you really wish you didn\u2019t have your children?)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHave you tried\u2026?\u201d Or, \u201cWhen you stop trying, it will happen.\u201d <\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Advice and pep talks for this intimate struggle, especially doled out in the first conversation, are abundant\u2014yet often overwhelming, alienating, and paired with false hope in a season filled with loss. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you\u2019re wondering what to say to a friend who miscarried, one sufferer observes, \u201cIf you are a fixer or need others to reach their goals in a timely manner, you may unintentionally wound.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh, you were only six weeks along?\u201d \u201cThere will be another pregnancy.\u201d Or, \u201cMiscarriages are so common.\u201d <\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Grief is an expression of what was valuable to us, now lost. Rather than minimizing someone\u2019s grief\u2014as if this baby\u2019s life didn\u2019t matter that much\u2014hold sacred space for it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another sufferer observes that she wrestled often with \u201cfeeling like I have a right to mourn what was lost.\u201d Yet Jesus, she points out, was our Man of Sorrows, who shouldered our grief. And God blesses and comforts those who mourn (Matthew 5:4<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI thought you guys didn\u2019t want kids!\u201d<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Other sufferers experience a tidal wave of mixed emotions with surprise pregnancies. One reflects, \u201cWhen we lost the baby, we both felt a lot of guilt and heard internal accusations of how we didn\u2019t want this anyway. However, we had also gotten excited about it and started to make plans, which soon felt foolish.\u201d <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHave you thought about adoption or foster care?\u201d <\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019re curious what to say to a friend who miscarried, know chances are probably 100% this couple has considered all the options, or is still considering them\u2014but within circumstances of great pain. It\u2019s unlikely you\u2019re the first to suggest it or will help this (sensitive, history-laden) ball advance down the field. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAll it took for us was tequila!\u201d <\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Never speak flippantly about someone\u2019s infertility or make jokes about it. If you don\u2019t know what to say to a friend who miscarried, just say you\u2019re sorry. One mother, on her second month of fertility medication and an extreme diet, had been weeping just before a Bible study when a comment like this was made. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMaking jokes about your pregnancies when someone else is longing for one just isn\u2019t tactful or helpful in any way,\u201d she says. \u201cIt just causes more pain, especially if your joke is pointing out how easy it was for you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cGod will bless you in time.\u201d<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

God isn\u2019t our Santa Claus. He doesn\u2019t guarantee any outcomes. He asks us to prize Him above His gifts or provision (Daniel 3:17-18<\/a>, Romans 1:25<\/a>, Philippians 3:8<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou\u2019re running out of time!\u201d Or, \u201cDon’t you want kids? What’s the hold up?\u201d <\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Though this may be trying to make small talk or seeking to offer encouragement, it can contribute to feelings of isolation and shame or the recipient feeling less of a man or woman. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This often adds pressure, implies a couple is doing a bad job on what they \u201cshould\u201d be doing or just innocently asks about what\u2019s become a deeply personal, painful process. Let go of the meddling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cGod works all things together for good.\u201d Or, \u201cGod is preparing you to help others.\u201d <\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The pain of platitudes\u2014even spiritual ones\u2014can falsely communicate: Your problem is plug-and-play. I didn\u2019t hear your heart and what you truly needed, but I would like to fix it. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Galatians reminds us, \u201cBear one another\u2019s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ\u201d (6:2<\/a>). Jesus\u2019 life and death showed burden-bearing is messy, self-sacrificial, involved, and decidedly unformulaic. \u201cTrust God more\u201d isn\u2019t likely the core advice this person needs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So often, a safe place is simply where someone will un-praise what has happened to us, like Jesus weeping at the tomb of Lazarus: This is not how God intended this world to be.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s just not the same for men.\u201d<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Many men find infertility and\/or miscarriages a source of deep grief and stress in themselves and their marriages, some more than their wives. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

What to say (instead) to a friend who miscarried or who struggles with infertility<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Lisa, a licensed counselor who dealt with infertility for decades, observes, \u201cIt\u2019s sad to admit, but I could tell the individuals who had suffered from infertility or miscarriage. There was a different attitude they demonstrated. They seemed to me to be more quiet, more cautious, as if the conversation were sacred. Those were the ones where I felt seen and honored \u2026 less alone.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In fact, when you\u2019re wondering what to say to a friend who miscarried, she advises, \u201cI\u2019m not sure I\u2019d say anything. I think I\u2019d help her cry.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She adds, \u201cWith my friendly acquaintances, I simply needed them to be sensitive and aware\u2026So ask<\/em>. Indicate your desire to be sensitive. Invite the woman to coach you in what would be comfortable and meaningful to her.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lisa suggests offering a couple of concrete ideas: sitting with your friend to be a listener, just being present without words, or going for a walk or hike. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAgain, many women don\u2019t know what they want, so reassure them it\u2019s okay not to know, that you are willing to be flexible, and it\u2019s okay for her to change her mind. Not leaving her alone emotionally is your primary goal. Even if she doesn\u2019t take you up on your overture of care, believe me, she will remember your initiative.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She recalls a dinner of eight women where every woman was talking about her children. A woman she didn\u2019t know well exchanged seats to sit across from Lisa, and said, \u201cI noticed your normally smiling face slowly faded, and you stopped talking. I\u2019m guessing the fact that you and Carl don\u2019t have kids yet is feeling pretty awkward and maybe kind of painful right now. I don\u2019t know much about infertility, but I\u2019m really good at talking about topics that don\u2019t involve children.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lisa reflects, \u201c<\/em>Not surprisingly, this woman has grown to be one of my dear friends.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n

Grow closer to God with our free devotional download.<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019re pregnant or have kids of your own, it can be weird trying to consider what to say to a friend who miscarried. But don\u2019t avoid talking about that with your friend. Just don\u2019t make it the only thing you talk about. <\/p>\n\n\n\n