{"id":15986,"date":"2014-01-09T10:54:30","date_gmt":"2014-01-09T16:54:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=15986"},"modified":"2014-01-09T10:54:30","modified_gmt":"2014-01-09T16:54:30","slug":"your-husbands-two-biggest-fears","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/staying-married\/wives\/your-husbands-two-biggest-fears\/","title":{"rendered":"Your Husband&#8217;s Two Biggest Fears"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"bsf_rt_marker\" fetchpriority=\"high\"><\/div><p style=\"padding-top: 25px\">Throughout the last several years, I\u2019ve enjoyed the distinct honor of sharing a speaker\u2019s stage with two beloved authors and Bible teachers\u2014Kay Arthur and Beth Moore.\u00a0And during one of our recent panel discussions before thousands of women, Miss Kay summarized a huge dose of marriage reality into so tight a capsule that any of us could swallow it and keep it down.<\/p>\n<p>She said that men possess two great fears:<\/p>\n<ul style=\"margin: 0 0 15px 1.5em\">\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\">the fear of being found inadequate.<\/li>\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\">the fear of being controlled by a woman.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>These fears lead them to the following attitudes and aspirations: Your man wants to be your hero.\u00a0He wants to feel like he is worthwhile to you and needed by you.\u00a0He desires more than anything to see a look of love and admiration in your eyes.\u00a0He wants to know that you celebrate him, depend on him, feel privileged to be married to him, and expect great things from him.<\/p>\n<p>Let\u2019s see what these twin fears in our guys\u2019 lives have to do with us and what will happen if we try to alleviate them.<\/p>\n<h2>His fear of inadequacy<\/h2>\n<p>Your husband desires to know more than anything that you trust him, that you believe he has the wisdom and talent to succeed.\u00a0He is fulfilled when he senses that, despite his inadequacies, you see the possibilities and potential God has given him as your provider and protector.\u00a0He likes knowing you\u2019re praying for him, rooting for him, assuring him that he still has what it takes to be the man of your dreams.\u00a0When he feels genuinely affirmed by you, it makes him want to live up to your trust in most cases.\u00a0Then even when he falls short, it will be apparent that his desire was to meet your expectations.\u00a0You\u2019ll see in his eyes that he was trying to please you.<\/p>\n<p>This alone should be some cause for your continued trust and appreciation, as opposed to blanket disapproval (which we are often notorious for offering).\u00a0When he starts to sense that all you ever think he can do is to be sloppy, forgetful, unimaginative, irresponsible, weak, indecisive, and clueless, he will become less inclined and motivated over time to prove you wrong.\u00a0He knows you\u2019ll only find something to be critical of anyway.<\/p>\n<p>I know your man\u2019s not perfect.\u00a0Not even close, you say?\u00a0<i>He knows it too<\/i>.\u00a0He\u2019s not delusional.\u00a0He knows he\u2019s flawed, even if he\u2019s not quick to admit it out loud.\u00a0But just like you and me, he is not to be defined by his imperfections.\u00a0He has been divinely wired to be a leader, father, and provider for your family.\u00a0And the last thing he needs or wants is a wife who doesn\u2019t believe it, who\u2019s always correcting him, unwilling to either recognize or support these qualities in him.<\/p>\n<p>A voice of support, confidence, and encouragement from you is\u00a0<i>electric<\/i>\u00a0to him.\u00a0It quells the continual struggle against any sense of inadequacy that smolders inside of him.\u00a0When you pull him aside to pray for him, when you tell him he\u2019s been on your mind, when he sees in your eyes that you\u2019re proud of the man he\u2019s becoming, it\u2019s like a shot of pure adrenaline to his system.\u00a0It\u2019s the soft warmth of security that comforts him from the ridicule of a harsh world and the internal jeering of his own insecurity.<\/p>\n<p>Sure, there are times for talking plainly and honestly about things he needs to improve and watch out for.\u00a0But probably not right now in the heat of the moment with that disappointment written all over his face.\u00a0And probably not until he already knows for sure that your basic default is to love and take delight in him.\u00a0An overall demeanor of gratitude will go a long way whenever the occasional reality check is called for.<\/p>\n<div class=\"fl-article-cta\"><div class=\"fl-article-cta-wrapper\"><a class='fl-article-cta-button' style='margin-top: 15px; visibility: visible; background-color: #f3bd48 !important;' target='_blank' href='https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/p-5890-love-like-you-mean-it.aspx' data-color-override='false' data-hover-color-override='false' data-hover-text-color-override='#fff'><span>Is your love for real? Find out in Bob Lepine's new book, <em>Love Like You Mean It.<\/em><i class='fa fas far fa-cloud-download-alt'><\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n<p>If you\u2019re like me, you have an inclination to be overly critical of your husband\u2019s actions.\u00a0But if your husband is anything like mine (and I suspect he is), he bristles at being corrected, criticized, and mothered by you.\u00a0It makes him feel belittled and insignificant.\u00a0Beaten down and discouraged.\u00a0And even if you think that\u2019s the way he\u00a0<i>ought<\/i>\u00a0to feel about himself after what he\u2019s done and not done for you and your marriage, this sets a man up to be even more damaging and destructive to his entire family.\u00a0It\u2019s not good for anybody.<\/p>\n<p>Men, honestly, even with all their complexities, are really very basic and uncomplicated.\u00a0Our cutting, nagging comments can wound them deeply, especially when the disapproval builds up over time.\u00a0What we think of as no more than a little jab about a specific incident becomes a stabbing wound that leaves a hole in their manhood.<\/p>\n<p>Yet equally as powerful are our simple, honest, even offhand compliments that can make our husbands feel like a million bucks.\u00a0When we make it our business to remind them of their position in Christ and the potential and possibility that lies within them\u2014not because we\u2019re patronizing them but because we truly believe it\u2014they feel on top of the world.\u00a0One man told me that a little compliment his wife paid him one morning as he was leaving for work caused him to have confidence in his abilities all day at the office.\u00a0It pays for us to choose wisely what we say and how we choose to say it.<\/p>\n<p>Now perhaps your husband has consistently proven that he\u2019s not worthy of your trust.\u00a0He\u2019s been careless with money, drawn to addictions, perhaps even unfaithful to his marriage vows.\u00a0The reason you can\u2019t ascribe high value to his character, you say, is because he hasn\u2019t shown you very much of it.\u00a0And you\u2019re right\u2014his carelessness, laziness, or lack of integrity is not your fault.\u00a0You are not responsible for what he\u2019s done and is doing, even if you\u2019ve been less than careful about loving him well and feeding his ego.<\/p>\n<p>But even you\u2014even now\u2014can resolve to affirm your husband and to promise that your trust in him is not gone forever.\u00a0It may need to be reconstructed with the aid of outside help and ongoing accountability, but he needs to know that your heart\u2019s desire is to reestablish confidence in him.<\/p>\n<p>So even in the most minor of baby steps, will you begin inching forward in your visible signs of trust and affirmation toward him?\u00a0Will you allow him the new (or at least long-forgotten) experience of walking into the day with his wife\u2019s love and esteem trailing behind him?\u00a0Will you look him in the eye and tell him you\u2019re not devising a plan B, a fall-back arrangement in case he doesn\u2019t ultimately pan out\u2014that\u00a0<i>he<\/i>\u00a0is your one and only plan A?<\/p>\n<p>And now, to the second of his fears.<\/p>\n<h2>His fear of being controlled<i><\/i><\/h2>\n<p>Males and females have equal value, but we are not the same.\u00a0Your standards and opinions are different from his, perhaps in many areas of potential contention.\u00a0But that doesn\u2019t mean his way is necessarily wrong.\u00a0It\u2019s just different, though equally as crucial and valuable to the successful outcome of the situation.\u00a0If you try to control him and force him into your way of thinking, you will break something that probably doesn\u2019t need fixing, just understanding and valuing.<\/p>\n<p>When your husband feels like he\u2019s being controlled, he will eventually shut down completely, relegating his role of leadership to you, since \u201cyou seem to be doing such a good job at it anyway.\u201d\u00a0The result is a shadow of the man you once knew and loved\u2014a deflated, disinterested slacker who makes few decisions and shows little initiative.\u00a0Then, in the vicious cycle created by this marital dynamic, you become increasingly overwhelmed, frustrated, and upset because you feel like you\u2019re bearing the burden\u00a0<i>he<\/i>\u00a0should be carrying\u2014when in actuality, it\u2019s the very burden you snatched away from him because you didn\u2019t like how he was doing it.<\/p>\n<p>But if, on the other hand, he doesn\u2019t feel like he\u2019s being bullied out of his God-given position as the leader in the home or held up to your overbearing, micromanaging scrutiny, he\u2019ll not only be more likely to settle in to his potential but also to seek your help and willingly relinquish certain responsibilities that you\u2019re clearly more equipped to handle.\u00a0In other words, he won\u2019t mind admitting that you\u2019re better than him in a particular area.\u00a0So some of the things you\u2019ve been vying to claim more control and influence over may come back to you without a fight\u2014as if it was his idea all along\u2014once he doesn\u2019t feel like he has no choice but to abdicate.<\/p>\n<p>And you know what?\u00a0This could also rebound to you in the areas of intimacy and romance.\u00a0A man who feels controlled by his wife loses much of his desire for being tender toward a woman who sounds, acts, and treats him more like his mother.\u00a0No wonder he doesn\u2019t look dreamily into her eyes or spark romantic endeavors with her the way he used to do when she just wanted to be his sweetheart and allowed him to be her champion.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve never seen a car whose engine started just because the driver was sitting behind the wheel, demanding that it move forward.\u00a0Certain things need to happen before she can get the car to go\u2014key in the ignition, maneuvered into the right gear, gently pressing on the accelerator.\u00a0Men aren\u2019t \u201cturned on\u201d by a demanding, screaming wife who doesn\u2019t recognize their value and significance but by wives who know the strategic steps for getting them started.\u00a0Control and intimacy are on opposing, collision courses that will inevitably banish passion to the long-term parking lot, eventually rusting out, in need of major repair.\u00a0Backing off your husband helps him feel more confident, more fulfilled.\u00a0And the result is a guy who loves being around you, enjoys long talks with you, and remembers how to romance you.<\/p>\n<h2>Helping him overcome<\/h2>\n<p>Two fears.\u00a0Fear of\u00a0<i>inadequacy\u00a0<\/i>and fear of\u00a0<i>being controlled<\/i>.\u00a0You can do something about them both.\u00a0In fact, your husband will never get over them without you.<\/p>\n<p>But\u00a0<i>with you<\/i>\u00a0\u2026 who knows?<\/p>\n<p>You are the \u201dsuitable\u201d helper (Genesis 2:18) the Lord has given him to assist him in realizing that with God\u2019s help he can be proficient, honorable, trustworthy, and fully capable of becoming the man God intends him to be despite his fears.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><em>Excerpted from <\/em>The Resolution for Women<em>, \u00a9 2011 by Priscilla Shirer and Stephen Kendrick. Used by permission of B&amp;H Publishing Group.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>For more information on the subject, check out:<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/p-2937-for-women-only-revised-and-updated.aspx\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">For Women Only\u00a0<\/a>by Shaunti Feldhahn to find out what every woman needs to know about men<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/p-3502-say-it-loud.aspx\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Say it Outloud<\/a> by\u00a0<span class=\"authorName\">Robyn McKelvy<\/span>\u00a0and learn how to encourage your husband<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/p-1455-building-your-mates-self-esteem.aspx\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Building Your Mate&#8217;s Self-Esteem<\/a>\u00a0by Dennis and Barbara Rainey to help you\u00a0bring out the best in your husband<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>You can do something about your husband\u2019s twin fears. In fact, he will never get over them without you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":90,"featured_media":15995,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"none","_seopress_titles_title":"How can you help your husband overcome his two greatest fears?","_seopress_titles_desc":"Two fears.\u00a0Fear of\u00a0inadequacy\u00a0and fear of\u00a0being controlled.\u00a0You can do something about them both.\u00a0In fact, your husband will never get over them without 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