{"id":158255,"date":"2023-09-15T13:41:51","date_gmt":"2023-09-15T18:41:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=158255"},"modified":"2023-09-15T13:41:51","modified_gmt":"2023-09-15T18:41:51","slug":"talking-to-kids-about-sex-dont-forget-about-identity","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/parenting\/parenting-challenges\/sexual-wholeness\/talking-to-kids-about-sex-dont-forget-about-identity\/","title":{"rendered":"Talking To Kids About Sex? Don\u2019t Forget About Identity"},"content":{"rendered":"
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My teen years landed smack in the middle of purity culture\u2019s best intentions\u2014which admittedly got a lot of things right, but a lot of things wrong. I was warned of time alone in a car with a boy. Hasty emotional attachment. The power of cleavage. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if I were to visit my younger self, I\u2019d focus on a more significant complication: my identity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No, I didn\u2019t sleep with someone before marriage, and I\u2019m perpetually grateful. Purity, and specifically sexual purity, are unquestionably found in the Bible as a vital part of sexual integrity (see 1 Thessalonians 4:3,7-8<\/a>; 1 Timothy 4:12<\/a>; 2 Timothy 2:22<\/a>; Titus 2:4-6<\/a>, Matthew 5:8<\/a>, and others). But, as I learned to ignore my body, I was also wooed by a near eating disorder. The emphasis on good behavior reinforced my top-of-class performance as a human doormat, and my insatiable hunger for validation from boys and other Christians. Sexual purity became a spiritual barometer. So moral performance welded itself to my sense of worth, even in God\u2019s eyes (or so I thought). I quickly chose a shiny exterior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe your experience growing up was like mine. I was good at obeying, but I was poor at thinking critically. When it came to sex and dating, I faithfully drank the Kool Aid of formulaic, fear-based interpretations of God\u2019s Word.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Convictions were easier for me to establish than a sense of worth. And the resulting undertow proved perilous.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For this overachieving people-pleaser, my cravings simply \u201cgot religion\u201d and a little moral lipstick. I see now that teaching my own kids about sex and other spiritual life skills involves cultivating an identity and a voice honed by the Holy Spirit \u2026 rather than other people.<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe identity and sex were mixed up for you in a completely different way. You may have felt like damaged goods, internalizing and maybe acting from profound shame. Or maybe the gaping holes in your soul led to serial dating, belittling others, or fear of relationships altogether.<\/p>\n\n\n

Sex, lies, and sieves<\/h2>\n\n\n

Don\u2019t miss this: To kids flailing to understand who they are, a misled sense of identity can undermine our efforts for their sexual integrity. And even a pursuit of sexual purity can reinforce performance-tinged lies about identity. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I believe God wanted to speak love and worth to my soul as His daughter (Zephaniah 3:17<\/a>). He longed to develop deep roots grounding me not in my uprightness, but in his love (Ephesians 3:14-19<\/a>). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I couldn\u2019t hear Him, couldn\u2019t fill up on that satisfying love. And in that loss and instability, approval, control, and performance seemed like the meal replacements I was starving for (see Isaiah 55:1-3<\/a>). My insecurity\u2019s imbalance led to flirtatiousness and gaps I longed to have occupied by guys. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pastor Henri Nouwen said we believe three lies about why we\u2019re valuable:<\/p>\n\n\n