{"id":150436,"date":"2023-05-17T09:41:19","date_gmt":"2023-05-17T14:41:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=150436"},"modified":"2023-05-17T09:41:19","modified_gmt":"2023-05-17T14:41:19","slug":"4-ways-to-improve-marriage-communication","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/staying-married\/communication\/4-ways-to-improve-marriage-communication\/","title":{"rendered":"4 Ways To Improve Marriage Communication"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>\n

Before we got married, it seemed like everyone had a bit of advice to offer. While some of it bordered on the ridiculous, the most common phrase I heard was, \u201cMarriage communication is key.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I loved this answer. My bride-to-be and I routinely spent hours talking on the phone; neither of us wanted to be the first to say goodnight. Obviously, we were experts in communication. If that was the key, I was sure we\u2019d be alright. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

After the wedding, it wasn\u2019t as though we suddenly stopped talking to each other, but our new life brought new topics. Conversations once filled with hopes and dreams for the future morphed into discussions about schedules, bills, and dinner plans. Physically, we were together more than ever. Yet a few months into our marriage, I remember feeling a little cheated\u2014We connected more before we married! What happened?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n

Marriage communication: But we talk all the time!<\/h2>\n\n\n

If you were to count the number of words we spoke to each other before marriage versus after, post-marriage would win. We \u201ctalked\u201d all the time. Our problem wasn\u2019t that we weren\u2019t talking; it was what<\/em> we were talking about.<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our conversations had descended into an endless stream of status reports. Information was exchanged, but there was no depth, no increase in intimacy. Our marriage communication became shallow and so was our relationship. If we were going to improve, we needed to recognize that all communication is NOT created equal. Our conversations needed to be deeper.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here are four things we learned.<\/p>\n\n\n

1. Deal with the fear.<\/h3>\n\n\n

There was one topic we knew would generate deep conversations. But it also had the potential to destroy the relative peace we were experiencing: What church would we attend?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My wife grew up deeply Catholic. I was passionately Protestant. We had come to a theoretical understanding of what we would do before we got married, but now we needed to find a church we could both be happy with. Every time we tried to talk about it, the conversation would devolve and we\u2019d reach a stalemate. So instead, we talked about everything except for the one thing that was most on our minds.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some conversations bring up deep convictions and emotions. Others are drenched in history from our families of origin and force us to challenge long-held assumptions and expectations. Whatever the case, we learn over time that to keep the peace, some topics need to be avoided.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But couples that have peace without intimacy are nothing more than roommates. If we want to improve marriage communication, we need to have the courage to talk about more than schedules, bills, or the kids. We must dare to discuss the \u201coff limits\u201d topics.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We adopted this rule: If it is important enough to think about, it\u2019s important enough to talk about.<\/strong> True, the conversation might not be pleasant, but intimacy requires that we share what\u2019s really going on inside of us.<\/p>\n\n\n

2. Find the right time.<\/h3>\n\n\n

Another way we tend to avoid deep conversations is through activity. The busier we are, the easier it is to avoid certain topics. It is amazing how productive we can be when we\u2019re trying to avoid something. Working, studying, cleaning, traveling, or babysitting for a friend are all good things. But good things can become bad things when they keep you from the most important things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

About six months into our marriage, no amount of distractions could keep us from the realization that we hadn\u2019t yet gone to church. We were both used to going every week and now \u2026 nothing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My wife was the first to bring up the elephant in the room. \u201cWe can\u2019t keep going on like this. We need to find a church.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thankfully, she found the right time to tell me\u2014in private, when the TV was off and we could give the topic the attention it deserved. Often, delicate conversations fail, not because of malice or bad intentions, but simply because we chose a bad time. If you need to have a deep conversation, eliminate as many distractions as possible and make sure you are both well rested. Starting a conversation after your spouse\u2019s head has hit the pillow generally won\u2019t go well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Find out why over 1.5 million couples have attended FamilyLife\u2019s Weekend to Remember.<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div><\/p>\n\n\n

3. Don\u2019t try to win.<\/h3>\n\n\n

Our natural tendency in situations like these is to try to prove why our way is right and the other person\u2019s is wrong. Whether we\u2019re the type to argue with logic, emotions, or such a long stream of words that our opponent gives in from pure exhaustion, the result is the same. If you do manage to win, it means your spouse lost.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We couldn\u2019t go on the way we were. But how could we find a church we were both okay with? You can\u2019t compromise when it comes to your beliefs. Either we found a way to both win, or we\u2019d both lose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We spent hours talking through the kind of church we each hoped we could find. We didn\u2019t try to convince each other of anything. Our guiding thought was, \u201cI love you, and if I can better understand why this is important to you, it might become more important to me too. Tell me more. Help me understand.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Good marriage communication means you fight the problem, not each other.<\/p>\n\n\n

4. Find your core needs.<\/h3>\n\n\n

Sometimes we don\u2019t even know why we want what we want. So trying to explain it to someone else feels impossible. We get so caught up on surface issues that we lose sight of what\u2019s important. But good marriage communication begins with knowing what it is you want to communicate. Exploring your \u201cwhys\u201d not only helps your spouse understand you, but it helps you understand yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our conversation started at such a high level that we didn\u2019t understand what we were even fighting for. Catholic versus Protestant was too broad. What about each did we really care about? Was it the theology, liturgy, community, or just the architecture of the buildings? What were the areas we agreed? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was also important for us not to try and communicate every single desire in one sitting. What we wanted was made up of a complex mixture of theological convictions, familial expectations, and personal habits and preferences. In the end, much of what we initially thought was important turned out to be nonessential, and we agreed on a lot more than we thought we could. Once we had a better idea of what was important to us individually, we defined what was important to us as a couple and moved forward as a team. We then made a list of potential churches and started the visiting process. <\/p>\n\n\n

Marriage communication is key<\/h2>\n\n\n

After a few months of visiting churches, we landed on one we could both call home. Those initial conversations were hard, but I\u2019m thankful we had them. It helped us know that no conversation needs to be off-limits. If we deal with our fear, take care to understand our needs, find the right time, and fight the problem instead of each other, we can talk about anything just like we did when we were dating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Copyright \u00a9 2023 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Carlos Santiago is a senior writer for FamilyLife and has written and contributed to numerous articles, e-books, and devotionals. He has a bachelor\u2019s degree in psychology and a master\u2019s degree in pastoral counseling. Carlos and his wife, Tanya, live in Orlando, Florida. You can learn more on their site, YourEverAfter.org<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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